Reading Reviews for For the Love of Lily Evans
  
49 Reviews Found

Review #1, by xTimexTurnerx The Secret

18th May 2013:
I read the whole thing and it was beautifully written. Well done. I loved it.

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Review #2, by Hayleekins The Secret

15th January 2012:
Hm! I've never ever liked Lily-Sirius pairing (though I think that's only because I really really love James-Lily pairings) but this story is... something else! I really did enjoy this, and I think you did a great job. Because truthfully, you're right, even when you know you can be happy when you go down a certain path, it doesn't mean you really want to. The reason I didn't want to like this story is because i hate how true it was.. I had always imagined Lily being perfectly happy with James, and never wanting anything else (and I'll probably continue feeling this way honestly!). It was still really interesting, and you had some amazing lines throughout the whole story! It's sad, in a way, how Lily and Sirius won't ever be together, because in some ways I can see it working, and you just can't help but sympathize with Sirius!
Well, really great job! This is probably the first Lily-Sirius fic that I've read, so you are the lucky one to have such a title!! Congrats ;)
Happy writing,
Hayleekins

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Review #3, by Happy The Secret

9th September 2010:
james deserves better than Lily and Sirius. Now I'm glad he spent those years in Azkabahn.

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Review #4, by jrg0715 The Secret

8th April 2010:
Very good story. It left me with a sad, empty feeling for Sirius but your description of James made me completely understand her choice to stay with him. I love that I started out wanting one thing for Lily and you convinced me that her choice, and not what I wanted, was the right one. Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed this read and the way I wrote Lily. Thanks for the review!

BB


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Review #5, by Melissa Black The Secret

8th March 2010:
Best portrayal of Lily Evans I've ever read. Very nice work! I loved your descriptions and word choices, particularly those relating to James and his personality.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked Lily. I really wanted to do her my way and give her an original touch. So glad you liked, thanks!

BB


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Review #6, by scarlettswan The Secret

26th February 2010:
really good story :) i definitely liked that she was happy in the end, though i do feel bad for poor sirius

Author's Response: Thank you Scarlettswan, I'm glad you enjoyed the read. It is a bit sad that Sirius and Lily don't end up together, but then if they, it would be a whole different story! Thanks again for the read and the review!

BB


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Review #7, by Alopex Feasting

25th December 2009:
First sentence: alwaysfelt --> you need a space. Also, you might want to re-read to see if you've left out a word or two at places . . . skipping right to said instead of saying he said right after dialogue. Not sure if that was intentional or not.

Well, this is a very short chapter, and I'm finding little to say that I haven't already said. I did think it was nice to actually see James a little more. He's been more like a reflection or image in Lily's thoughts up until now. I suppose he is here also, as is everything, but here he is finally a more active reflection. (I hope that made sense.)

This is an intriguing dynamic you've set up between James and Lily. The way you portray their relationship is in step with the way you're set it up so far in this story. I especially liked that line about Lily just getting to know the Lily James has in his mind (lousy paraphrasing there). Because of course, it's exactly true . . . we all have images of people we know in our minds, and those images don't always measure up exactly with the so-called real person.

Author's Response: Alopex, thank you for your attention to detail. I noticed that in the last review and it's super helpful! I am definitely ready to go through and clean up this story and all the things you've pointed out are gonna guide me along nicely. Thank you!

You're right about Lily trying to match herself to James' ideal of her. I felt like this was an important facet of their relationship, but one not much explored. I'm glad you caught that, since its important to how Lily relates to James.

BB


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Review #8, by Alopex To Never Grow Up

25th December 2009:
Eleventh year? See first sentence. Never mind. I figured it out when I read "fifteenth year." I assumed you meant what grade she was in school, not how old she was. I know stating it as "when I was eleven" would not be exactly consistent with the writing style you're using, but I wonder if anyone else has been confused?

As I said (more or less) already, Lily is a very compelling narrator. I love the style you are using to write from her point of view. It flows so well, despite the sometimes unexpected phrasing. The atmosphere and mood you create through Lily is almost palpable--it's like a phantom place and time I can just barely glimpse out of the corner of my eye.

I enjoyed hearing Lily describe the history of her interaction with the Marauders, as well as her her take on their various personalities--mainly James, she seemed to focus on, but through him, Sirius as well. Interesting technique. Lily is a very interesting and relatable narrator so far.

Author's Response: Thanks Alopex! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I rewrote it a couple of times but the essence always stayed the same, that phantom air you mentioned.

Lily was great to write with after I finally decided to write her as if she were an OC. I'd been wanting to 'redo' Lily and feel like I really did in this story. She's a great character, but it can be hard to find depth in a character that everyone seems to write with. Glad you liked my take :)

BB


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Review #9, by Alopex Friday Afternoons

25th December 2009:
Hi, Blissbug! I actually don't remember this story at all. Not that it matters, I suppose.

I did notice a few odd things with mechanics that slipped through your last edit. Look at the second paragraph at "wrap." Fourth paragraph, "Friday's" --> no apostrophe. James' "Perfectly suitable" comment should be a new paragraph. Also, there are a few places where I think commas are missing, but I'm not sure if you're going for artistic effect? I think putting the commas in might alter the flow of the story and take something away from it.

Other than that, this chapter was brilliant! Your description is fantastic. You're rather Spartan with description, but what you convey is just enough, and it always says something about a character or a character's relationship to another character.

I really like that this story is in the first person; it would not work half as well in the third-person. Lily-narrator (you, really) creates such an interesting mood. That's what fascinates me most about this chapter: the mood. There's an overall emotion and mood to the piece that really pulled me in.

Author's Response: Alopex, I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you're digging this story. Your work is really spot on and I've got great respect for your opinion, so I'm jazzed you like this.

I knew that in writing this I wanted brief chapters, brief glimpses of these characters so the description needed to take a back seat, as it were. But on the other side of that I wanted the description to provide backbone to everything else. Balancing that was challenging but very satisfying. I'm glad you liked it.

Thank you again for pointing out the little stuff, it really does help.

BB


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Review #10, by Jane_Volturi The Secret

24th December 2009:
Me again here with chapter review number 10.
This is set a few years later right?
Aww, she's pregnant with harry and she's married to James.
My favourite part had to be:

It's the way James lives, I said, looking at my old friend frankly. He does not live for himself, but for those around him. He rejoices and delights in their lives, struggles and weeps for their concerns. It is not that he is so selfless, but that he puts himself last. Having a baby made me see. When you live completely for someone else, someone you love Only then are you complete. And its being incomplete, Sirius, I continued honestly, that has made us tired.

After hearing that I am sort of Team James rather than Team Sirius because she just makes him sound so incredibly sweet.

I really enjoyed this chapter, you can tell now that lily has unwavering loyalty towards James, her love for him has now developed and she's happy to take on the role of being the mother of his child.
At the same time I feelso sorry for Sirius but from the start I sort of already knew it was never meant to be.

I did come across a few mistakes...
1. '...When the gate squeaked opened..'
'opened' should be 'open'.
2. '...even as a kid...He was never as weary-worn...'
The 'H' in the word 'He' should be lowercase.
3. 'as the rest of us. Never tired, the way normal sorts get...'
The fullstop needs to be replaced with a comma and the 'N' in 'Never' needs to then be turned into a lowercase letter.
I hope these helped.
Other than those few mistakes everything else was perfect.
10/10
Feel free to request anything else on my thread in future.
JaneTwilight
x
Oh, and Merry Christmas!

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Review #11, by Jane_Volturi Everything Will be All Right from Now On

24th December 2009:
Oh my gosh, this was such an amazing chapter, i loved it!
Firstly the heart necklace, brilliant idea. Not only was it a cute moment, it sort of resembled Lily and James moving on, Sirius uninvolved in the relationship.
I love the fact that Lily proposed to James to show how much she loves him, this shows the reader that she's deadly serious about James being in her future.
A really nice ending to the chapter, really sweet and happy.
I loved it, possibly my most favourite moment in the whole story, so romantic.
I couldn't find any grammar mistakes, everything was perfect.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #12, by Jane_Volturi Chicken Soup

24th December 2009:
Wow, she made her choice, she chose James. I knew that was going to happen. I could not feel more sorry for Sirius than i do right now.
There isn't really anything I can pick out, no mistakes or typos, everything looks great.
The writing was brilliant as usual and the story in general was great.
A definite 10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #13, by Jane_Volturi ...never say yes to me.

24th December 2009:
Ok, review number seven.
Ok, once again I'll begin with characterization.
Lily: After reading this I get the feeling that Lily would preffer to be with Sirius rather than James, just in this chapter though. She's already accepted the fact that James loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but the prospect of doing such a thing doesn't seem to fully satisfy her. If it did she would never have asked Sirius if he's ever ask her to marry him.
Sirius: Sirius does lover her, quite clearly. he'd never do anything to hurt his best friend though, he also thinks lily will choose James over him. I can't help but feel sorry for him.
Your writing was brilliant and I only really found a few mistakes...
1. '..."Feel old enough, yes."...'
There should be a question mark after the word 'enough' because it's a question.
2. '..."I don't know. I'm not even nineteen yet."...'
There should be a comma where the full stop is.
Hope these helped.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #14, by Jane_Volturi Perfectly Adequate

24th December 2009:
Hi, me again with review number six.
I forgot to mention, these chapters are incredibly short lol, you weren't kidding when you mentioned that fact on the forums. I like that they're short, it makes things simple but very effective.
I love Remus's character so much, not just in the story, in the entire Potter universe. His inclusion in this chapter was like a cold drink on a hot day. In no way is he linked to the love triangle situation so it kind of relaxes the drama when you begin a chapter with him. I really liked the conversation he had with Lily, it created tension because whenever he spoke, lily was only half attentive, her observation 50% of the time on James and Sirius.
I especially liked the last paragrapgh of Remus and Lily's conversation because Remus is meaning one thing but Lily's realting what he's saying to another. At first I didn't quite know where Lily and Remus's conversation was going but once I'd read the last line I suddenly understood the whole point of this chapter.
Great Job!
You're writing was excellent but I did find a few mistakes.
1. '..."I've been, well...Otherwise occupied."...
The 'O' in 'Otherwise' should be lowercase.
2. '...My lips parted in concerned...'
'concerned' should be 'concern'
I hope that these helped.
Again, apart from those few mistakes everything else was perfect so 10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #15, by Jane_Volturi A Long Road

24th December 2009:
Hi, me again with a review for the fifth chapter of this story. I'll start with characterization like I always do, it seems like the easiest place to start.
Lily: As I've mentioned in my previous review, she never seems to tell the reader much about her feelings. In this chapter she's speaking about James and why she likes him, and she's speaking about sirius and why she likes him but she never seems to compare the two or expressmuch guilt. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing of course. She seems more confused rather than guilty, like she's trying to make a decision but she isn't sure whether or not she's on the right path. I think it's pretty much explanatory through Lily's greed and lust for Sirius that there must be something missing from her relationship with James, yet she loves him still. When she admits that she is addicted to James's light she almost makes it sound as if her love for him is unhealthy, like that's something not right about their relationship which is again why she's coming to Sirius.
Sorry if my rambling sounds like gobbledeegook to you, I'm having a pretty hard time depicting Lily's thoughts. The only reason it's frustrating is because I'm looking too deeply into things because quite frankly I'm a loony obsessed with this amazing story!
Your wiriting is of course brilliant, you can confidently use impressive vocabulary and you use the perfcet amount of description, not too little, not too much.
I did find some grammar, spelling and pucntuation mistakes, I'm going to point them out so I'm sorry if this review turns out to be a little too long. Here are the mistakes I came across...
1. 'I wouldn't ask his permission nor his mine...'
There are two things wrong with this sentence. Firstly there is an absent comma which should go after the word 'permission' and secondly, the word 'his' should be 'he'. So the sentence should be: 'I wouldn't ask his permission, nor he mine...'
2. 'preferring to use our lips and tongues and fingers and limbs...'
This should be: 'preferring to use our lips, tongues, fingers and limbs...'
3. 'a whole other language. One of tastes and caresses and noises...'
There are two things wrond with this sentence. Firstly the full stop after 'language' should be a comma and the 'O' in 'One' should be a lowercase letter. Also, there should be a comma between the words 'tastes' and 'caresses', not a connective. It should be: 'a whole other language, one of tastes, caresses and noises...'
4. 'He was gutteral in bed...'
'gutteral' is spelt wrong, it should be spelt 'guttural'
5. 'The first time I heard myself panting as sirius pushed into me again and again I was thrilled...'
There are two absent commas, there should be one after the word 'time' and one after the word 'again' (the second 'again'). In fact, after the word 'again' (the second 'again') there could be a fullstop, 'I was thrilled.' could be a sentence on its own. It's up to you.
6. 'messy, raw and sated...'
'Sated' is not a word, atleast it's not in the english dictionary, are you sure you didn't miss-spell something?
7. 'unlike before though it seemed to point me to a road...'
There should be a comma after the word 'though'.
8. 'a long blessedly, unwinding stretch of forever...'
There should be a comma after the word 'long'.
9. 'I would never again question if I were supposed to be with James Potter...'
This was fine except for the word 'were' which should be 'was'.

I hope that these helped.
Apart from the mistakes everything else was perfect so I'll give this chapter a 10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #16, by Jane_Volturi Silly Girl

24th December 2009:
Me again, here with review number four.
So far I haven't really detected many feelings of guilt issuing through Lily's thoughts, she hasn't really been opening up that much to the readers in the past few chapters so its hard to figure out exactly how the story will transpire. Personally I think this is a good thing because you're keeping the readers guessing.
Nothing much really happened in this chapter so its rather difficult for me to pinpoint much out about characterization or the story in general. From their behavior in this chapter both lily and Sirius seem to establish the idea in the readers' minds that that they're both considerably confused by their current situation.
I did scan through your work carefully for any grammar mistakes, there was an absense of commas around the beginning of this chapter, perhaps you could sort that out with your Beta if you have one?
Other than that I really enjoyed the general atmosphere of this chapter, the fact that nothing much was going on made everything more relaxed but still very effective.
I really admire your writing style, as far as creativity and description goes this was fantastic.
Excluding those few comma mistakes, everything else was perfect.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

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Review #17, by Jane_Volturi Feasting

23rd December 2009:
Oh my gosh, that last part was so sweet, I almost cried when James said that to Lily (Sorry, I'm a sucker for romance).
I'll start with characterization as I always do.
I'll begin with James, because after reading that last part how could I not? I've always admired his devotion to Lily in the books, you can tell by the way he treats her that she means the world to him and you really justify that quality to James. I think that if you didn't there would be a huge attribute missing from his personality, Lily completes him and I think that's so cute. My favourite line would have to be...
You are infinitely lovable.
It's ironic, he's said something that would make any girl feel special, but rather than please Lily he's just stirred the guilt she's feeling into a deeper issue. I know that they didn't have this converstaion after the setting of the first chapter but she's no doubt looking over that converstaion and feeling guilty all the same.
Lily: I suppose Lily like to look ate things realistically, and that's why she finds his love and devotion to her a little absurd. In a way she's the complete opposite to James and I think that's what makes them such a great couple.
The writing was brilliant, you keep it simple with interesting vocabulary and that's what makes this chapter so strongly effective.
I couldn't find any grammar, spelling, paragraphing or punctuation mistakes but I'll have to warn you that I didn't check this chapter thoroughly.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

Author's Response: JT, thank you for another wonderful review. You deserve a chocolate covered cherry, your reviews have made me so happy!

James and Lily needed to be opposite -- at least in my mind -- in order to be interesting. There needed to be tension and secrets and half-truths, because really, what relationship doesn't have those things? I'm so glad that you got that and appreciated it. I've taken some real character liberty here, but you seem okay with it, huzzah!

Your reviews are great, thanks!

BB


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Review #18, by Jane_Volturi To Never Grow Up

23rd December 2009:
Me again, here with the second review for this amazing fanfiction.
I didn't examine every sentance but I'm pretty sure there were no mistakes in there, I'm not one hundred percent certain but I can assure you I didn't come across anything.
I'll start with characterization as I always do.
James: the reason I've chose to speak about this guy is because he hasn't really been in any of the chapters, only briefly mentioned, from what I've heard of Lily's description of him in this chapter however completley matches my perception of James who I have always adored in the Harry Potter books. I love how Lily makes him sound so happy go lucky, like nothing in the world could bother him, you did a brilliant job of incorporating this idea into Lily's thoughts and weaving it through Lily's guilt and reluctance to grow up. You can tell that whenever you compare James to sirius the two characters always stand out in contrast and you can sort of see why lily likes Sirius even though she's with James.
Lily: I love the fact you've dedicated an entire chapter to Lily reflecting over her childhood. The issue she's speaking about sort of hints as to why she likes Sirius and why she's cheating on James.
The writing was perfect, very short and simple but incredibly effective, I loved everything about this chapter.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

Author's Response: Yay, second review! To be honest, James was the hardest character to write. I'd never worked with him before I attempted this story and while I definitely didn't want to be stereo typical about his characterization, I had the hardest time seeing him any other way than the golden laughing boy JK and fan writers portray him to be, which of course begged the question, what if he really was that way? How would Lily react? But I love her guilt over it, the fact that she loves him and resents him at the same time, that his love is as much a burden as a blessing. It makes their relationship interesting, which made the writing of it great.

Thank you for another wonderful review, I can tell how much you're into this story, it's great!

BB


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Review #19, by Jane_Volturi Friday Afternoons

23rd December 2009:
Hi, JaneTwilight here from the froums answering to your rquest on my thread. Like I said before, I'm a huge fan of the marauders so I was so glad when you requested this, i raely ever get marauder story's. I have always been intrigued by the prospect of Lily/Sirius but no matter how hard I've looked in the past, i can never find a fanfiction quite good enough to give this ship justice. However, I think I've just fallen in love with this story... It was FANTASTIC!
Before I start depicting from this chapter all of my most favourite parts I'll just point out two mistakes I came across, they're not very noticeable but I figured i'd mention them just in case you hadn't already spotted them.
€œOnly if you want too,€.This should be "Only if you want to,"...Trust me, i'm always confusing the three 'to's' but i'm pretty sure it should be 'to'.

I said, smiling tugging at my mouth...I think this should be: I said, a smile tugging at my mouth.

Apart from that, spelling, paragraphing, grammar and punctuation were all perfect, great job.
Alright, now for the many positives, I find characterization is always a reasonable place to start.

Lily: Although I adore marauders fics it really annoys me when people percieve lily to be the Gryffindor Angel. I'm so glad you've chose to ditch the Mary Sue rubbish and outline some of her flaws, every Gryffindor suffers with a little temptation which is quite clearly Lily's case with Sirius.
I love how you've given her some selfish qualities, she wants Sirius even though she has James. Selfish themes always bring the best outcomes (dramatically, not morally) in love triangle stories. I'm interested to see how Lily will handle this dillemma in future chapters.
Sirius: OMG, he's a fictional character yet I find myself so attracted to him after reading this chapter. I suppose it's because you did such a good job of getting across Lily's thoughts, feelings and lust for Sirius. His character doesn't give much away in this chapter, he's more silent and mysterious at this moment in time but you can really tell that he likes Lily.I can't wait to see how their relationship develops in the future.
Storyline: Love triangle romances are always the most dramatic, for some reason I could relate this chapter a little to Wuthering Heights, it had such a romantic atmosphere. I like how you've included their past in this chapter. Three years previously Sirius and Lily had something going on and now they can't seem to forget about it even though they've moved on.
Writing: The writing was brilliant, not only was your descriptive language spot on, the way you described the atmosphere of the story so far was brilliant, my eyes were glued to the screen, especially near the beginning when Lily began to tell her story.
I'm so glad you requested me to review this now, my fingers are literally zooming across the typing board, i'm that anxious to read more.
10/10
JaneTwilight
x

Author's Response: JaneTwilight, your review has blown my socks off, it really has! Wow!

I can't tell you how giddy I am when a reader tells me they've fallen in love with one of my stories! I often write my fan fictions as the sorts of stories I'd like to read, and then hope somewhere along the way someone else likes the story as much as me. When someone does, I'm through the roof ;)

I really wanted to write realistically. I don't read Lily stories because she's always so...well, unflawed, and where's the fun in that? And Sirius, he never came alive for me until I wrote this and saw him through Lily's eyes. Even though we hardly hear from him directly, the way Lily see's him is so potent, you're getting a full character on the page which thrills me.

Your review makes me, thank you beyond measure!

BB


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Review #20, by dracos_hotter Friday Afternoons

23rd December 2009:
Here from the forums!

Well, you weren't kidding when you said they were short.

What's that phrase... 'Small, but perfectly formed'. That's what this is. I like it quite a lot -- the plot is interesting, there's no grammar mistakes (obvious ones) to hold me up while I read, I don't stumble over mistyped words. You've done a brilliant job at editing, I must say.

Your summary catches quite well, too. It could have taken a different route through fluffy fluff fluff, but it seems to me that it's going along the right path.

I'm going to continue for a while, until I have to go get my hair cut =)

xE

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. Yes, very short chapters, but that was half the fun, seeing how much I could say with the least amount of words! I'm really glad you've like what you read, I do hope to see you back here!

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Review #21, by slytherinchica08 Feasting

18th September 2009:
in this chapter we dont really get much we get a little interaction between lily and james but other then that this chapter seems somewhat of a filler chapter. i really am enjoying this story but the chapters are a little short and it makes it harder to get into the chapter and the flow of the story. other then that i say great job. keep up the good work.

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: It is interesting that you find this chapter to be more filler than plot, because I actually consider this chapter one of the most important. I'm trying to get a very distinctive point across here that is, that while James can and does give Lily everything she want's, she cant stand the burden of it, and that's why she goes to Sirius, because he can't give her anything and that fact alone set's her free.

I also purposely made the chapters short, I wanted this write to read extremely brief, but have a longer impact in the mind. I know not everyone likes that, and the cut of the chapters may pull the reader out, but I was hoping my writing was strong enough to keep them anchored. Guess you can't hit the ball right every time though, uh?

Thank you so much for your feed back; while I don't agree with it all, it does give me food for thought and that is never a bad thing. I appreciate the reviews and your time.

BB


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Review #22, by slytherinchica08 To Never Grow Up

18th September 2009:
another great chapter. i like how you go into their past a little bit it makes us understand the characters a little bit better and what brings lily and sirius together. great job. keep up the good work.

~Slytheirnchica08~

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I wanted to develope the characters slowly in this piece, but there's a balance to be had, cause I didn't want to my readers to wander off in boredom. Eeeh, anyway. I'm glad you've enjoyed what you've read thus far, yay!

BB


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Review #23, by slytherinchica08 Friday Afternoons

18th September 2009:
when lily first goes to sirius's house with the drapes you say smiling tugging at my mouth.. it should be a smile tugging at my mouth. other then that small mistake the chapter seemed to be just fine. i think its a great beginning to a story. great job. keep up the good work.

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Ugg, I seriously need to imput my beta's suggestions on this one. I keep missing things that I thought I'd covered; thank you for pointing out that bit there.

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Review #24, by Kahlan The Secret

15th September 2009:
This was amazing. From start to finish. Insightful, raw, honest, and so true; what about people's selfish moments? We mess up, we are not perfect. I loved how this story felt so whole, and so well-rounded. Despite its shortness Lily gets depth, and the consistency of mentioning James' light is nicely done.

The writing, the plot, the characterisation, the mood - all were wonderful. Hands down, great job! I wish more people had this way with words; I wish I had it.

I'm out of words, though this deserves a lot more praise than what I can give.

Thank you for sharing!

Author's Response: Kahlan, you're too kind. I'm so pleased you enjoyed what you read, and your compliments are super sweet, thank you. I totally agree,the story definitely feels well rounded and I am very pleased with the way it turned out.

Thank you for the read and review, it's appreciated!

BB


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Review #25, by Gutterflower The Secret

10th August 2009:
You're incredibly talented. This is worthy of being published. I am just speechless.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you! What a compliment! I'm so glad you liked this, thank you for saying so :)

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