i really liked this story. it was very different, the style and everything, but i really liked how you made it work. keep up the great work! Report Review
That was very emotional.. It really caught my attention.. I wanted to stop reading 'coz I hate things like these.. but I simply just can't.. It was nice, anyway.. Report Review
I know that an apology for my lateness is not enough to pardon me from taking so long to review this, but it's all I can give. I am sorry.
I really liked this piece. As far as emotion goes, you expressed it strongly. It was exciting to read and easy to understand. You have very precise ideas; I can see your vision clearly on the page and that's something great to read. The only criticism I have is that sometimes your sentences were too short. A shorter sentence every once in a while is great for breaking the constant flow of a paragraph, but be careful of putting two or more short sentences next to each other. It can read choppy and almost like you're trying too hard.
I really loved this because I could feel the emotion. You did an excellent job of showing the emotion you wanted through their actions, like this: and Harry finds her sobbing on the floor where she had once dreamt of a happy ending while holding a different hand Beautiful. A lot of your prose here sounded and felt like poetry, which is something an emotional piece needs to survive. Great job.
Overall, immaculate. I'm so sorry I didn't get to this sooner.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:. Report Review
OMG! my heart was racing! i almost wanted to stop reading but i couldnt! it was so goood! i love it! Report Review
Aw, it's sad. I think that it's interestingly written, because I'll be honest with you - there were parts where I couldn't quite figure out what you were trying to say - but I almost think that that makes it better, with more... depth. I liked it, well done :) Report Review
Nice. Really sad, but really well done.Author's Response: thank you! Report Review
Very bittersweet, but I loved the hopefully happy ending.Author's Response: aw, thanks! Report Review
OMW that was really good and very emotional.
10/10Author's Response: thanks so much! Report Review
Hi there Obviously!
It's celticbard from TGS, here with your review as promised. ^_^
Whew! This was a hard read...but in a good way. ;) I'm in awe of your powerful, yet compact prose. There's so much emotion and yet only about 900 words. Now that's good writing.
I have to say, the first scene left me confused. I had no idea who you were talking about. First I thought it was about Ron and Hermione at Dumbledore's funeral, then Harry and Ginny at Ron's funeral. But now I think it's about Hermione and Harry at Ron's funeral. You might want to throw a name or two in there, just to make things a bit clearer. However, if you think that would disrupt the brevity of the piece, then ignore me. I wouldn't want my shoddy advice to ruin such an amazing story. ;)
I think the last scene was the strongest and it really brought up a range of emotions. First of all, there was a definite sense of relief when Harry and Hermione finally relinquished some of their sorrow. However, I could not help but notice some incestuous overtones, especially with the line, "she's like my sister".
This was a wonderfully powerful piece, Obviously. And I loved the references to Regina Spektor's lovely song "Fidelity". Please feel free to drop by my thread again and request another review any time. Take care!
celticbardAuthor's Response: For the first scene, I think it\\\'s a little irrevant who\\\'s talking. The main thing I\\\'m trying to get across is the emotions. And yes, it\\\'s Ron\\\'s funeral. So, no names. I like thinking that my readers will have an \\\'Oh, that\\\'s what\\\'s going on!\\\' moment during the second section, and then that they\\\'ll reread the first section, adding the names themselves. If that makes any sense.
The \\\'sister\\\' references were mainly with either Harry wishing things were different, and then with them firmly turning away from any such thoughts. No one else has commented on it, so I\\\'ll assume it\\\'s not too overwhelming.
I absolutely adore Regina Spektor right now- every song of hers I\\\'ve listened to lately has given me a plot bunny, no lie. The sequel I\\\'m trying to write, incidentally, was initially inspired by \\\'Us\\\'.
Thanks so much for the perfectly spectacular review :D
~Mac Report Review
Aww! I love this! I love how you've spanned such a broad range of emotions... It's absolutely fantastic!
I had a few different ideas of who you were talking about in the first part, and was fairly confused because you kept jumping around between the different characters in each section, but as I began the second part each different character fell into place and I was able to discern who was who, even though they were all mixed together.
For being quite short in comparison to what I generally read you've got a really nice bout of description going on. You've described mostly their emotions, but at the same time it was really good for the story. As a result of that, you made your audience see what these characters were seeing: a world covered over by a curtain that was their own pain. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. But that's how I felt, and I thought it was brilliant. I love how you described the light at the end and how you built off the scene in the Great Hall... I had no problems making a picture in my mind to accompany this.
"Not alone. With him. But." -- This is an example of one thing that confused me. In some sentences you left the word 'but' as it's own sentence (and I believe you did the same with 'just' in one sentence); I was really unsure as to why it was there... it really didn't seem to be necessary. But to each their own, it was just something that caught my attention.
Overall the grammar wasn't bad... it seemed to be more like someone was speaking to me than the formal grammar that I tend to read for. However, for this story it really worked; the way you traveled through all the different mindsets, the more formal writing would've muddled that up, and that's certainly something we don't want to see ;]
Overall, wonderful piece! I really enjoyed reading it! The downfall is that this is it! I'd love some more ;]
Keep up the good work!
-JillAuthor's Response: For the beginning- I don\\\'t think it\\\'s really important who\\\'s talking. Well, of course, it sort of is, but - more like irrelevant, at this point. The main thing is to get the emotion across, so the reader\\\'s properly (/unconsciously) distressed when they find out that it\\\'s Ron I killed off.
Yes, the emotions- I\\\'ve never been very good with description, but I was aiming for something really emotional with this. Quite glad to hear I succeeded. You\\\'re reading into it exactly what I was hoping people would read- and I\\\'m always happy, for some reason, when people read things in my stories that I wasn\\\'t aware I wrote.
The \\\'But\\\' is like, it\\\'s Harry\\\'s (or Hermione\\\'s, possibly) thoughts, and they can\\\'t bear to finish the sentence- \\\'But he\\\'s gone now\\\' sort of thing ... either a fill it in yourself, or it\\\'ll just add to the feeling of confusion. Not sure why I had the \\\'Just.\\\' in there, I\\\'ll probably edit that out, actually. In terms of the actual writing, I was sort of aiming for something that felt more like poetry than prose (though why I\\\'m not entirely sure.)
I am writing a sequel, and it sort of wants to be a series, so ... this isn\\\'t exactly the end ;) check back in a month or so and I\\\'m sure there will be something up.
Thanks for the lovely review!
~Mac Report Review
It's beautiful and tough but short. I like that he though it was Ginny he loved most at first but then saw the truth in the end and they really are filling the emptiness together and promising a young Ron of thier own. I love that they both saved each other at some pointAuthor's Response: Exactly the response I was hoping for! Thanks so much for the lovely review :D Report Review
AW that's so cute , loving it!Author's Response: not exactly the feeling I was going for ... thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
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