Sorry it took me so long to review! I haven't really been on a lot, and won't be for that matter until next week =[[ I've missed everyone, but feel guilty about leaving this any longer, so I hope you enjoy it =]]
First off, interesting concept, having them create a pensieve of memories. I hope that Harry finds it one day. It would ease the doubts about his James being a jerk and Lily hating him for it. Ah well, I can wish, can't I?
Anyways, brilliant and enlightening idea. Very unique. I wonder how this will play out in the long run, so I can't wait to keep reading!
Ooh, ooh, and totally random and not related to the actual story, but I like your chapter image. Very posh and elegant. Beautiful.
On the first chapter itself, it was very refreshing. The first paragraph was nice to read (when Sirius was pouring the wine glasses). It made a really nice opening. About your dialogue though, it seems a bit forced =[[ Just remember to think about how other people talk (for instance, when James said "it all started when", people wouldn't normally say it. Not me atleast. Just use something like "this wouldn't have happened if-" or something else to that effect.) Also, remember to use those commas when you are entering and leaving dialogue, because that plays a large part in making it sound believable. And I don't want to get you angry if you are crazy religious or something, but there were parts where the story sounded like it was part of a bible verse (the "then he said," and "then he said to her"). Besides this not much I can comment on.
One thing I really like about this chapter was the flashback. It left things from being a little too uneasy (Peter), too generally comfortable. I really enjoyed the light memory, and wonder how many BAD memories there are in it. I'm already imagining something to the scale of the Persian War, so don't listen to me. I wonder though...once Lily and James die...if Sirius and Remus will hunt Harry down so he can see it. Or will he stumble upon it by accident? Urgh, I am dying to know!
Are you keeping this canon? I noticed Snape and Lily didn't hang out during the sorting.
THINGS TO WORK ON: Description and dialogue
THINGS YOU ARE AWESOME AT: plot and setting; characterization.
Sorry for my randomness!Author's Response: Hi! I understand how hard it is to keep track of stories you're supposed to review...
Anyway, I'm glad you think the idea of a pensieve of memories is unique; it just came to me. And the chapter image is by dare4distance from TDA of course, I highly recommend her.
I think it's also quite good to hear you liked the opening and the flashback. About the future on Harry finding the pensieve, you're sort of close on the second guess but a little on the first so wait until the end of the story. (haha, i'm evil)
And I will be sure to improve the description and the dialogue, I'm going to fix that soon.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it!! :) Report Review
Hey! I'm here from the forums with your review. (:
I liked this. It was an interesting start to the story. However, I think I should mention that at times it seemed a bit wordy. Like, you could've shortened it a bit. But that's just my opinion. (:
I like the idea of this, it's not done all that much and therefore is really interesting to read. (Not that cliches aren't but... Never mind.)
I like your 'voice' in this. Like '-in the shape of' and 'called by the name of'. I don't know, it's really original and different. (: Ah, unique, that's the word I'm looking for!
The bold bits were a bit confusing, but only because they were in bold. I'd take it out of bold, but that's just me... For extended periods, it hurts my eyes. d:
Anywho, I liked this! :D 7/10. (:
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Hey! :)
I'm happy you thought this was an interesting start to the story and now that I have just browsed through the chapter again, I do agree that it is a a little wordy.
The idea of this story sprouted from this question I had ever since, "Why didn't Lily and James leave a Pensieve for their son, knowing that they could die any day due to the war?"
Anyway, I'm also happy you liked my voice in this, which you claim unique. I understand about the bold bits; I'm planning to edit that out.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
I like your characterisation of Sirius. I like how light hearted he is. Itís nice to have some comic relief in a time that is so dark. It seems like he just isnít brought down by it Ė and Iím sure that was probably what he was like, always trying to lighten the mood when he could so people could get some relief from the hell they were living in. Iím sure underneath he is probably just as scared as everyone else.
There is a bit of a fine line though with Sirius Ė there has to be a point where he gets his by the mania as well. As I havenít read the rest of your story, I donít know if you have included a situation like that, but it would be good to show that even the people that donít take life too seriously, will be affected by the trauma sometimes.
Iím glad you have highlighted the issues that Remus would have had trying to get a job. I think most people just flutter past it, but Iím sure he would have been quite upset and hated himself for not being able to be a normal person.
I was quite interested that you have made James a healer and Lily a housewife. I have personally never encountered that before. I think that is also a good change :) I like originality.
I also like that they are storing their memories. It also seems like a good idea for them to do. I like that they get to bond over it. Obviously they are going to die, so itís a nice way for the audience to see the good times, you know?
The relationship between Lily and James is nice. Itís cute that he is so infatuated by her, but it seems that she doesnít love him enough. I would like to see something come from her where she has a moment appreciating what he does for her, or how he makes her feel. I think that could definitely balance it out a little more.
I really liked the last sentence of the chapter. I thought it was a good way to end :) It left it on a bit of a sober note, but I liked how the atmosphere coincided with the dreary weather. Nice!Author's Response: I'm glad you think I wrote Sirius well because he is quite fun to write, being light hearted and all. I also wanted to highlight the issues that Remus had because I'm sure it wasn't such a piece of cake.
Lily's and James' jobs were only chosen at the last minute. I first thought of them both as Aurors but changed my mind. I will also try to make Lily seem to love James too; I admit I wrote this rather hurriedly but don't worry, I'll edit.
I'm glad you liked the last sentence. I just thought to myself, 'What do you do when it rains?' and then I answered myself, 'Duh, close the windows.' So I thought it fit rather nicely too.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
To start off with, I really like your chapter image! I read a lot of James and Lily stories, but I donít think I have seen any with those people in it! I think the James looks exactly like I imagine him, but with glasses as well. But yes, I definitely think it goes with the tone of your story.
ďHey, Iíve been thinking.Ē Lily started saying, trying to shift the attention away from Peter.
I like that she tries to shift away. Great characterisation. It says lots about her. I think she must have always had a soft spot for Peter and thatís why she and James used him in the end. JKR says that she was an uncommonly kind woman, and Iím glad that is kind of conveyed here.
Then they went back to Sirius' apartment.
At the beginning it was situated in Remusí apartment Ė well I think so anyway. Perhaps I misread something, but I thought I would mention it anyway.
I liked their friendship. Apart from Peter, it just seemed really effortless. They just seemed to play off of each other, and I think that is definitely an important thing when writing Marauder fics, especially when you are writing the guys. There is something so special about the way they interact with each other Ė and I think you have started to capture it in the first chapter.
It was a little choppy for my taste, but Iím a bit more flowy, if that makes sense? However, it wasnít too bad. I can see how it worked for your story.
I might suggest you work on Peter. I understand that you are trying to make him suspicious, but they are pretty smart guys Ė I donít think they would be fooled easily by some mis-said words and such. But again, perhaps that is also my taste.
Good chap. Original plot line, and some funny moments! :)Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad you like the chapter image; I picked out the people and it was made by dare4distance from TDA. She's really good. Anyway, Lily was always a nice and kind woman in my mind so I made her that way because it fit her best.
I didn't notice that slight mistake about the apartments so I'll be sure to edit that. Marauder fics are fun to write and I'll also try to make the story flow better, work on Peter, and continue writing.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hi there, Blissbug from the forums for your review.
First off, I have to say while I am interested in this tense pick, I am also confused by it and honestly I can't tell if it's because you're using it wrong in places, or because I'm just unfamilair with it. There are spots where I wonder if the dialogue tags are right (ex. 'He walks into the room. "I am here," he said.') and I think a good beta should be more helpful than me in picking them all out.
Also, the way you jump from past memory to present, and your use of italics or bold lettering in doing so grammatically bugs me. A good writer does not need italics or bold lettering to indicate a past scene. Clever use of tense (which again, gets messy because of your choice of tense) and POV can help the reader understand that they've moved from the present to the past, ectra.
There's issues with paragraph spacing that is also highly distracting. It's not consistent, which threw me off, so much so that I actually had to go back and double check where and when I was in the story.
To be frank, the tense problem, spacing issues and odditiy of flashbacks where so completely distracting I had a bear of a time just focusing on the story, characters and dialogue. While I think this idea is a very good one, the actual exicution leaves something to be desired.
I feel like your characters are rather stock; you obviously let character exploration go by the wayside because you think we already know everything you'd tell us about these people, like physical descriptions, the way they talk or act. But a good story -- even a fan fict -- allows room for originality from the author. Don't just use these characters, re-invent them. That's what makes fan fiction interesting, after all.
Your dialogue is unfortunately rather forced. You try to capture the sense of easy established friendships and relationships, but it just doesn't sound authentic. It's stunted, expected (ex. "It all started whenÖ.Ē) and my recommendation would be to think about how people really talk. No one actually says things like, "Well it all started when..." Listen to how people express themselves, take some notes and go from there. It's all about practice.
This story idea is great, but it needs work. While you have lots of potential, you might consider getting a beta to help you flush out that potential. It's clear you enjoy writing from reading this story, so don't stop...
BBAuthor's Response: Okay, I'll try to improve the tenses, spacing, flashbacks, the characters, and dialogue. Maybe I will get a beta soon since this is one of my very first fan fics. And don't worry, I won't stop.
I understand all your constructive criticism; mistakes should be learned from. Thanks for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it! =D Report Review
This was written very well. I especially love the last,don't ask me why, but I do.I think you have captured the adult Marauders very nicely and am eager for more.
HarmonyAuthor's Response: Yes, I tried to write this very carefully and I'm not really sure why you love the last. I'm glad I captured the adult Marauders and I'll re-request as soon as I could.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :)
i liked the last part of the chapter where Lily and James started kissing each other and remus and Sirius were disgusted with it, that part was hilarious. so far i'm enjoying reading this fic a lot. will u update soon please?^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Haha, I liked writing that part because it's fun to put the Marauders into funny scenes! I'm glad you're enjoying the fic.
Maybe I'll update in one or two weeks since school is taking up so much time... Anyway, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
awesome chapter u have here. i'm going to read right now, the next chapter...^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: I'm glad you think it's awesome. Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
i liked this chapter and the memories too. please, keep writing more great chapters like this one.^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Yeah, I loved writing this chapter because of the memories. Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :D Report Review
Peter is really a coward. thinking he did the right choice by choosing the dark side... anyway, this is a fantastic chapter.^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: :( Sadly, Peter doesn't realize he's doing the wrong thing. Well, I'm glad you like this chapter. Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
that Professor was a real git and i hated him very much. by the way, u wrote "I want to now" when it should be "I want to know". i'm going to read the next chapter now.^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: I hated that Professor too... And I'll clear up that mistake as soon as possible. Thanks for reviewing! :D Report Review
great start 4 the 1st chapter.^_^
Harry and GinnyAuthor's Response: Wow, thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
This was so fun! I could definitely picture all the Marauder's and Lily in the way you write them. Between their characters and how they reacted to one another was really fun to read and very believable! James and Lily would be fighting over something really silly, Peter is off being Petere doing who knows what (as Sirius said) and Sirius is doing his job by just being awesome! I really love reading Sirius in Marauder's times. Everyone seems to portray him the same, which is of course really good. You did a great job with him!
I loved this line after James said 'Don't ask' when he and Lily had just arrived. "Sirius shrugged. "Iím going to ask anyway. So, why is Lily screaming at you?"
Haha, I laughed.
I really liked the memory too. You did a good job with that. I really like the idea of the Pensieve too. I think you've got a great plot going here! Thank you so much for requesting! I reall enjoyed this! When you're ready for another review of chapter two please re-request at the forums! Thanks!
Clair :D (EvelynCullen09 on forums)Author's Response: Wow, I'm glad you had fun. I love writing Marauders era because they're so funny, especially Sirius. I just envisioned them in my mind and wrote down my vision as soon as I had a plot for the plan.
Haha, I loved that line too. I knew Sirius wouldn't just let it go; he had to ask! And the memory, the pensieve, and the plot, they were all thought out a week before I wrote this down.
Don't worry, I'll re-request as soon as I'm done with this response. Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Eep, another fantastic chapter!
The dialogue was more spaced out, so I felt like it was less cramped. That's awesome!
That's my only CC! This was great. Super job! :D
9/10Author's Response: Haha, I thought this chapter wasn't as good as the others but thanks. :)
I see you noticed the dialogue; I also had the feeling it was a little less cramped.
And... awesome? great? super job? I feel like your adjectives are just flattering me. Haha, thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it!
:D Report Review
Hello, dear! I'm here with your review!
So this was very interesting! I love the idea. It's awesome and I think that this could have really happened and JKR was just silly and left it out of the story. :P I hope you have an epilogue or something where Harry like finds the pensieve! That would be amazing!
This was fantastic. Everyone is so lively and wonderful. I believe you've characterized them awesomely!
I really have no CC actually, except to slow it down a little bit. The insert of the memory was great and a nice space and addition to the flow, but there's a lot of dialogue, you know? I think I would suggest slowing it down a tad and adding in more description.
Otherwise, great job! This is amazing, and I can't wait to see where it goes! You have fantastic potentical! :D
9/10Author's Response: Hey. I'm happy you like the idea; it just popped in my head that Harry should have gotten a pensieve. And if you look at the list of characters in the story details, Harry's there so yeah. :)
I'm not sure if I really characterized them well so thanks for saying so. And I'll also try to slow it down and fix the dialogue and description.
Thanks for reviewing; I really appreciate it. :D Report Review
At the start where Remus comes in, you could just say Remus, who was a few blocks away, because we have already established who's everyone's name is.
I don't know if you know this or not, but the Marauders were all unemployed because all their time was taking up by the war against Voldemort and going on missions for the Order.
Womtail was already a part of the death eater group in Hogwarts.
I don't like how they keep saying their names and something after it, like "Sirius, my old friend," it just sounds weird if they keep repeating the same things.
Why is it a big deal that Remus apparated on the couch? I didn't get that comment.
I can't see Sirius getting so annoyed at Moony for not wanting to see the memory, they were best pals and he would understand totally why he didn't want to see it.
I can't see Lily getting a question wrong in a quiz, she would of know everything on it. Why did Moony get detention?? He didn't do anything.
Wouldn't they of gone to Albus or Minerva to get their Detention changed to a different date? As they knew about Remus' problem.
I am guessing first year, as it's their first detention so Lily wouldn't want/have anything to with them. Lily also just appears from thin air in the detention, if this is suppose to be the older Lily, should state it because I got really confused.
When they start talking about the professor, they said 'is', it's in the past so they should of said 'was' and how do they knew that the professor knew about Remus' problem?
There are tense issues that I noticed in this chapter and grammatical mistakes, like "'could' of kissed all night,"- 'could' should be 'can' as he's talking about the 'now' tense.
You start a lot of sentences with 'then', for example, the very last line it said "Then he went to close the windows as it started to rain." swap it and some other sentences around so it runs more smoothly, something like "He watched the rain fall gently outside the opened window, with a sigh he stood up from the couch he had been sitting on and walked over, he closed the window with a snap."
The same also applies to this chapter about slowing it down a bit with more detail and just to try and keep everything canon. Other than that it's good.Author's Response: Hey! =)
I didn't know about the Marauders being unemployed because in other Marauder fics, they have jobs. O_o How weird.
I just meant that Wormtail was sort of supporting the Death Eater group at Hogwarts but I always thought that he had the actual meeting when he was out of Hogwarts already. Or something.
Remus apparated on the couch because he was too tired to apparate outside and walk in. And Lily didn't get the question on the quiz because Dawson made the quiz something from third year lessons, which even Lily probably won't know yet.
Professor Dawson was also pretty evil and he made the detention date in the full moon on purpose because he sort of hated werewolves. And it was the older Lily whom you saw in the detention.
The professor also knew about Remus' problem because Dumbledore had to tell the staff and it was the older Marauders who knew about that at that time. Get me? =D
I'll try to fix up the tenses and the 'thens' in the sentences. And yes, I will also edit this chapter so it could slow down a bit with more detail and keep everything canon.
Thanks for reviewing!! I really appreciate it! =) Report Review
Sorry about taking a while to get to you.
Seeing, that they can use magic to pour the wine and get the crisps, you could have one of them flick their wand. Then start the story with the two of them watching as the drink is poured. It's just an idea, but it's fine the the way it is.
When you introduce Remus, you might want to say something like "Moony, who's proper name was Remus Lupin, said..." as the flow seemed to slow down at the sentence you used.
At the part where James is protesting and he says, "No, Lily, it wasn't my fault!" James protested. "It wasÖ my fault, yeah." He hastily added, seeing the murderous look on Lily's face. For the reader to picture the image as it's happening, you could write "No, Lily, it wasn't my fault!" James protested. "It was...," he faltered and seemed to shrink at the murderous glare Lily was shooting his way.
The back flash when James came to pick Lily up unannounced was a bit quick, you could add in a bit more detail there or just cut it out and let James or Lily say it in one sentence, like "I didn't want him to come and pick me up!" Lily snapped and then you could add in James' cheeky response after this.
"controlled and all"- I know we say this in real-life but try not to write in stories, say something like "controlled and to eat properly with a fork."
Instead of just writing what they say, try to put in what they are doing as well. As it sounds a tad bit rushed at parts, and with a bit more detail it could slow it down =]
I hope you don't take this review the wrong way, I seriously love the idea behind it and I adore the marauders. I also like the fact that you didn't leave Peter out of it, loads of fanfic writers leave him out. =[
All this chapter really needs is just an edit to slow it down and bulk it up a bit more =]
I really do hope you keep writing it!Author's Response: Hey! =)
I understand all your comments and suggestions. I'll try to edit my story as soon as possible and see to it that they slow down and bulk up a bit more.
Don't worry, I'll keep writing the story. Thanks for reviewing! I really appreciate it. =D Report Review
Here's my second review...
Sirius seems a bit weird. Like he's on drugs or something... o.O
'emo woman' - take note that the story is supposed to be happening in late 70s when there was no such thing as 'emo' .
Anyways, I can't say much, everything has been said before and concerning this chapter... well it was funny but at times a bit hysterical.
~ DeaVanityAuthor's Response: Hi again. Yeah, I know, Sirius is a bit weird in this chapter. xD And yeah, you're right, I don't think there was such thing as emo yet. I'm glad that you got the funny parts here and I'll try to improve the way you said in the other review. Thanks again! =) Report Review
Hello, reviewing as requested... :)
Hm... I think you have a good idea for the plot and I like the way you write about every Marauder, but I'd suggest you get a beta reader ;D . I think you need someone to go over the story before you post it because it seems choppy in some parts.
Also, I'd suggest that when you're writing dialogue, you think of how people talk in real life rather than just writing sentences that need to be said.
Anways, on to my second review...Author's Response: Hello. I'm glad you like the plot and the way I write about every Marauder but I'll try to get a beta reader, thanks for the suggestion. I'll also be sure to take your advice on writing dialogue. Thanks for reviewing! =) Report Review
all your cliffies are lame... and throwing something... how lame... beside, you only made the story longer by copying what you just wrote :P lame chapteree.. especially the cliffie.. (who cares if it's wrong spelling?)Author's Response: Oh-kay. O_o You're such a weird friend. First, you're praising my story, now you're hating it. xD Typical you.. Ungrateful, I dedicated the chapter to you. O_O So er, I'm working on the cliffhangers. Thanks for reviewing... =) Report Review
I HAVE NO SCHOOL TILL JULY 7!! :p:pp:p:p:p:p:p:p And I still haven't done the story yet.. I'm so excited! Im gonna have a bronze and silver medal in Kumo-on! Im gonna have a bronze and silver medal in Kumo-on! Anyway...
James: Lilyflower. Why Sirius? WHY?!
"JAMES' STATUS IS NOW
"PERISHING IN MORTAL AGONY" . LOL!! lolnessAuthor's Response: I'm so happy for all the good news you brought with you. LOL I also made "Perishing in Mortal Agony!" =D Thanks for reading and reviewing! =) Report Review
Hi dude. I just went olnine today. cuz wait, you know what, why don't you go online? I'm gonna read "Prongslet" after this Ok? so.. yeah leave me an offline message, whatever tell KU also . yeah, Umm is that a cliffhanger? cause you don't seem to be the person who is the master of wizard chess -- I mean cliffhangers. anyway long comment for you to read! -see you soon, "dudette"
P.S - Remember? Poo-poo-professor moody? "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"Author's Response: Hey dude. Thanks for reading and commenting the next chapter. So..er...yeah, I'll go online soon. I love cliffhangers, the one I did for this chapter wasn't meant to be one, but it turned out it was. O_o --InvisibleWitch19--
P.S. Yes, I do remember that ridiculous scene we made up...xD Report Review
SHEESH KABOBS!! tell me about it through YM. And no offence my friend, you kinda SUCK at cliffhangers :PAuthor's Response: Hey friend! And yeah...I'm gonna tell you, more preferably on the phone. I'm also working on my Cliffhangers. =) Report Review
First Umbridge, then the quiz; Lockheart, and then You got the results from Lockheart ( I think ) "And I cant make it in the 5th" is from You want to make a memory! :)) Oh and yeah I changed my mind I like the story na I read the first chapter na pla eh :P So "Go and keep it up! Oh and I had a dream, Horrible dreams So all I do to "escape" the dream is sit down :)) -From your cousin who has no school tomorrow, Secret
P.S Sorry for the long message... :D To keep you from getting boredAuthor's Response: I'm happy that you liked the story, cousin. Please stop posting reviews that aren't even significant to the story...People who are reading her reviews, do not pay much attention...Thanks for the review, anyway... xD Report Review
Sorry I wont leave a review cuz you could just tell to me on the phone. OH AND GUESS WHAT MY CLASSES ARE 15 NOT 9 ANYMORE!
Uuuuh what should I rate it? I didn't read kasi :PAuthor's Response: Hey cousin. I'm happy for your classes being moved later...And I don't think you should review when you skipped parts of the story. Well, thanks, anyway... xD Report Review
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