Okay, I'm going to start off with saying that there were quite a few puctuation errors that could use a bit of looking over. Also, I noticed that you used mom instead of the british useage, mum. You use it in some places, but not in others. That also could be fixed up.
Apart from that, I think you have an excellent start here, hun! I'm a Rose/Scorpius fan myself and I'm loving this already. ^_^ The relationship that the two are forming right now is interesting.
I love the scene between Albus and Scorpius. Aha, hillarious. I don't have any other criticism for you m'dear except for those two that I pointed out. The flow of it is perfect and the descriptions are wonderful.
ILY! Report Review
OHH Albus is mad! I love this chapter! i cant wait to read moreAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for your review!! (:
I\\\'m really glad you\\\'re enjoying it, keep an eye out for the next chapter soon (; Report Review
LOL poor scorpius!!! i cant wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!! I'm glad you like my story so far! More will be up soon :D Report Review
Go for it Rose! Don't worry about Albus and go for it! :)
Nice chapter, hope you can update soon, I want to see what happens in Hogsmeade.Author's Response: Hahahaha, that seems to be my consensus too!
Alas, I must let characters develop without my intervening *bows head* I'm really glad you enjoyed this chapter, and as a matter of fact, the next chapter is waiting in the queue, so I think it will be up soon! (:
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
update soon can't wait for more chapters good workAuthor's Response: Thanks for the lovely review!
The next chapter is actually in the queue now, so it should be up soon! (: Report Review
Can't believe I've read all the chapters already! I'll definitely favourite this and be checking for when you next update!
I've really liked it so far, I loved Rose's nervousness in this chapter and pushing Scorpius suddenly behind doors to hide him from Albus, although it was probably a good job she did.
I like the contrast between Scorpius when he's with Albus and Scorpius when he's with Rose, he's so much sweeter and more...well humble I suppose when he's with Rose. He's very genuine and a likeable character compared to when he's within rang of Albus when his father's arrogance starts to show through in this.
One of the main aspects that I like about this story is again how you separate it from others in this era, but making Scorpius the one to like her first, normally (in those I've read at least) Rose is generally the first one to notice her feelings.
Anyway, I've enjoyed reading and reviewing, I'll be back once the next chapter is up!Author's Response: Aww, that means a lot to me!!!
I will be updating as quickly as I can, I have so far up to chapter 6 written, and I'm working on chapter 7 now (:
I'm very glad you've enjoyed my story so far, and I hope that you will enjoy the rest of it as well (:
Thank you so much for your lovely and thoughtful reviews! Report Review
Its a shame the chapter is so short but I can understand that you just needed it as a filler so it didn't jumped about too much time wise.
Anyway, grammar-wise it's near perfect so no worries about that, there was jsut a sentence: "Albus interjected, fear lining clearly in his voice" which doesn't make too much sense but I think it's just a slip and you meant to put a different word. At any rate it's hardly noticeable!
I liked this chapter and how much Albus and Scorpius told each other to "sod off" - great times! I think it just developed how much the reader knows about their re-existing relationship and also gave you a chance to show some more of their individual character.
I like Scorpius' "I'm a Malfoy and I don't care about anyone else" attitude and that obviously there is already some feelings there for Rose surely, otherwise why else would he be so keen to talk to her whenever he saw her?
Great build up and characterisation of some of the key characters, I especially liked the appearance of McGonagall - scary as ever!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate it :D
Yeah, I think my beta caught that, so in the revised version, all should be well (:
I've never gotten so many compliments on characterization, I'm so glad I'm doing well with it (: I'm really getting attached to this story *dies*
I'm also glad you liked McGonagall, I just had to write her SOMEWHERE xD
Thanks for the superbulous review~~ Report Review
Hello! This is Dellacqua from the forums and I'm so pleased you asked for reviews, I love Rose/Scorpius!
I think this is a great first chapter and really sets the scene for Rose and Scorpius, showing their relationship as it stands now. I loved the Albus and Scorpius fight it's always good to see the Weasley's standing up for each other.
Thus far I like how you've developed Rose's character, for a start I like that you've gone away from the traditional elements which people have used for her: Gryffindor, redhead - most of all. Making her brunette and Ravenclaw (LOVE ravenclaw) already sets your story aside from others on this era in my opinion.
I love that already we see both Rose's almost obsessive personality with checking things (I'm scarily like that) and worry over exams, combining both Ravenclaw traits and also those of her mother to constantly remind the reader that she is Hermione and Ron's daughter.
I like Scorpius because...well... he's Scorpius, i need no other reason! But I liked this fiery temper he has in responding to Albus' anger towards him and also his humour "What, I can't be walking down the train and happen to see you without being a bloody stalker?" I loved that bit!
Albus was great as the overprotective cousin not wanting Rose, who I'm pretty sure can stand up for herself really well, to get bullied by Scorpius, the Weasley family's natural enemy.
Great start, cant wait to move onto the next chapter!Author's Response: Haha, I'm definitely a Rose/Scorpius fangirl ;D
I'm really glad that you enjoyed the whole breakaway from what Rose is usually described as. I mean, there's all these fics with Rose and red hair, and I just have never pictured her that way. I've always linked her appearance more towards Hermione's side of the scale. I figure all of the weasley's after H/G and R/Hr can't have been redheads XD
I'm really glad you enjoyed my characterization of Rose as well! (:
Thanks for the lovely review!! Report Review
Well done. You're doing well with this story and I like it. My only thing is I don't understand why Albus is always with Rose. I understand that they're cousins, but he seems way too overprotective. Other than that, it's really good. Keep it up and let me know when the next chapter is up! I'll gladly review it for you!Author's Response: Thanks, I'm really glad you're liking it (:
I'm hoping to further develop why Albus is so protective of Rose in later chapters, so hopefully it will all make sense in the end for you (:
Thanks for the offer, I'll definitely pop by and ask (: Report Review
Another great chapter! I noticed that you sometimes leave out the punctuation when you're ending a quote. “You better watch your mouth, or I’ll just have to cast something on you to make sure you shut up” he scoffed. This is just an example. It's not a major thing, just something I noticed. Also, Rose is worried about her OWLS which are in 5th year, but Albus and Scorpius are 16. Those three are all the same age. Just thought I'd point that out. :)
This is really a great story and I like where you're going with this. Your chapters are short, so I would work on making them a little longer. Other than that, just keep it up!Author's Response: I am awful with punctuation XD Thanks for pointing that out, I have a beta for this story, so maybe she already has fixed these, I just have to edit in the beta'd version (:
I thought I had put them all in the same year, so they're all in OWL year. Although I had it where Rose would worry, whereas the other two wouldn't really talk about/worry much about it. I'll definitely re-read it and fix it up if I didn't make it clear (:
See, I used to be good at long chapters. I'll definitely work on making them longer (:
Thanks so much for the review, it was really helpful! Report Review
Very good! It was a nice little intro to your story! I only have on question...Where is James??
As for mistakes, I didn't see any. It's also well written and the length wasn't too bad. Although, if you wanted you could probably add more to this, but there is no real reason to.
Anyways, keep up the great work! :)Author's Response: Thanks! (:
Um, I kind of decided that he, being a year or two older than them, would kind of be off doing his own thing and such, so I decided to omit him and put Albus as the protective one. Not sure if that was a good idea on my part, but I thought it would be good since albus, rose and scorpius are all in the same year, so Albus would see Rose more.
Thanks so much for the input! It's very appreciated! Report Review
the spacing seemed good, but I actually didn't notice! Poor Scorpius. He's really cute though. I'm excited to see what happens - you should re-request in my review thread when you update! Great chapter thanks for writing!Author's Response: Oh, okay thats good (: I just didn't want to leave it all crammed in, so I just ended up making a 10pt space between each paragraph just in case people thought it was crammed ^^"
Yeah, I'm being sort of evil to Scorpius, aren't I? :P I will definitely pop by your thread when I've updated, thanks for offering!! i really appreciate your feedback! Report Review
the tension was very much portrayed! I can see this being an issue later. teehee. I liked McGonagall. Nice chapter thanks for writing!Author's Response: -big sigh of relief- I was SO worried about writing McGonagall OOC. I know she's only got a small spot, but she's definitely one of my favourite characters and I didn't want to get her wrong! haha.
I'm glad you enjoyed the tension, it was quite fun writing this chapter, even if it's one of the shorter ones (:
thanks for the review! Report Review
fun chapter! this looks like it's going to be great. I love Scorpius so far. Great beginning! You set up all the characters and some conflicts really well without being all boring and introductory. Great job thanks for writing!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far!!
I'm so glad you liked my beginning, I was so worried about that, because usually my beginnings suck xD I'm glad you enjoyed the confict piece tying in with the characters, my goal was sort of to write a Scorose that didn't fit the stereotype, so I hope it ends up working!
thanks again for the lovely review! Report Review
eww it's haley. :P hahahahhaha I'm kidding. alright, i'm here with the review that you requested. DUN DUN DUN.
the first thing i noticed, especially in the initial opening of this chapter (and the whole story) is that there is a fair bit of repetition. "blah blah blah" she said. a lot of it is in that same kind of structure, so it would make it a bit more interesting if you mixed it up a bit.
i'm being nitpicky here, but there are a couple of punctuation mistakes that only need a quick readover to notice. so maybe read your work over carefully before you post it. here is a sentence that is correct:... "My name is Nellie," said Nellie... don't forget commars after someone has talked and a lowercase letter after the speech marks.
biggest thing i noticed with this chapter is that there is a LOT going on but it's all written rather quickly. it was sometimes a bit hard to follow. make sure you slow things down and take the time to explain everything clearly. :)
nice story though, haley, well done!
nellieAuthor's Response: Ew, Nellie. Knew I should have skipped over your thread :P Kidding! (:
Ahh, yes. Sentence structure=the bane of my existence. I will go over that once I finish writing the story and fix up the main things in the chapters (:
I'm always better with pointing out other people's grammar mistakes, but never mine! -dies- I am on the verge of getting a beta, though, so hopefully she'll fix things up nicely (:
I guess I was trying to rush on some because I have each chapter outlined, and what I want to get across for each chapter. And then when I'm writing, I just come up with a bunch more things I wanted to say that weren't necessarily on the outlines ;_; I'll make sure to tone down the whole outlining, though, if a lot is going on in a chapter ^-^
thank you so much for the review, nellie! glad you liked it! Report Review
Poor Rose ! Scropius bugging her. Albus being a macho man! I cant wait to read more!!!Author's Response: Hahah yeah (: Thought I'd put Rose through some torment xD Glad you liked it, and more will be up as soon as I can! (:
Thanks for the review! Report Review
ooo this sounds interesting, can't wait to read more. :)Author's Response: Aw thanks, Katie! (: Glad you enjoyed it!!
More should be up soon. Still waiting on the third chapter to be validated xD, and then I already have the fourth one ready for the queue, so that will be going in shortly (: Report Review
Can't wait to read what Scorpius wants from dear, sweet Rose! ;)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!! (:
I have a couple ideas I'm playing around with in my head, in case my planned one doesn't work (:
I'm currently finishing up the next chapter, so it should be up in the queue soon, and I'm hoping to get the chapter after the next chapter in the queue before the closure for your reading pleasure (:
Thanks again! Report Review
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