i love it i would love it more if you would finish it
tesAuthor's Response: Oh, yay! I'm really glad you love this :) adgjla I don't even have words to describe how happy I am about this review, haha! :D
And I'm definitely going to finish it, I just can't guarantee a time frame! I started writing when I was in my first year of university and now I'm working 40 hours a week, along with other necessities, so I don't have as much time. However, knowing that someone out there wants this done will help a lot :) Thank you! Report Review
Hey, it's Eridanus from TGS here with your review!
This is a very interesting idea and I think it's amazingly brave of you to tackle a story entirely comprised of OCs. Your characterisation of them was really good and I think that you really nailed Gabrielle's emotions and reaction to the death of her parents. You've managed to convey how she deals with it incredibly well. I also liked Owen. He seemed very nice and genuine, but also real. He reacted to the death of Garielle's parents just like some partners would in a situation like that and it made him more three dimensional. Although I didn't like the headmaster, per se, he was a great character and was a nice addition to the piece.
The flow wasn't brilliant when it came to the flashbacks, mainly because they became quite broken up and disjointed as the characters reflected upon them in the present. However, it was interesting to read about the accident and their relationship and get some background on it, so I would definitely keep it, but tweak it a bit. You just need to cut down on the choppiness a little because although this is a lovely story it could really put people off.
Your dialogue came across as being very natural, which was great and I think that your ending was particularly good. It wasn't a happy ending, but it really said a lot about the story and the situation Gabrielle is putting herself in. It really acted as an enhancement for the fic.
Your descriptions are good and so is your style, but sometimes you tend to tell the reader what the characters are feeling, rather than showing them and just doing that little thing could work wonders for this piece.
Overall, I really enjoyed it! Your style is fabulous and you have an amazingly original idea, but a few edits and tweaks could make the whole story even better ^_^.Author's Response: Thank you! I can\\\'t even explain where I got the idea for this... I think I was just really moody one day and wanted to start a new story, something not canon, but not original fiction. This is the result. Therefore, I\\\'m really really pleased that the characters came off so well... I just let words fall, and tried to portray how messed up Gabrielle really is without going over the top; Owen, however, had to be rational, had to have a sense of reality that she isn\\\'t able to latch on to. Not that he doesn\\\'t have his own problems. And I haven\\\'t really placed how much I want James (the headmaster) to be liked... this was Gabrielle\\\'s vision of him, though, so it definitely had to be bad.
Yeah... flow and I are bitter enemies. I have to find a better way to transition between the two... they all happen in the minds of the characters, so I agree that tweaking is definitely necessary.
Awesome! I\\\'ve been worried about my dialogue since it was mentioned on another story that what I had sounded too formal for talking, so to hear that it went over well is wonderful. And this isn\\\'t the end! I\\\'m just juggling so many things that my creative energy (at least the amount that this story requires) is diminished by the time I\\\'m ready to write it.
Thank you so much! I have style! Yay! I guess I haven\\\'t really thought about it (probably a good thing since I\\\'d probably just worry over that as well) but it\\\'s great to hear! I haven\\\'t really edited this context-wise since I originally typed it up (I write everything by hand first), and grammar only once after that. I definitely agree with your request for tweaks/editing.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this review. It was honest and thorough and you\\\'ve made me giddy to boot. Your ideas will be brought to light as I work on editing this... eventually. Probably when school starts up again and I\\\'m not working like a machine. Thank you once again! Words can\\\'t portray my appreciation. Report Review
Okay Im a bit confused... what time is this in??Author's Response: It's not really in anytime. that's why it's listed as an Alternate Universe story. It didn't really seem to fit into any of them. Report Review
Here to spread some cheer! :)
I really liked this! It's definitely a great idea, and seems really believable. I mean, getting a bit hardened after the loss of parents seems like something a real person would do, so that makes your OC a) easy to relate to, and b) seem like someone the reader would know! Kudos to you for that!
You also have wonderful imagery. I especially loved the beginning paragraph, which illustrated almost the whole chapter. It was great. Especially that last line, about the escape. It made the whole thing much more real!
Really, really nicely done! I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you so much for requesting! :D I hope I made you smile. 10/10
- RinAuthor's Response: Yay! You DID make me smile - ear to ear in fact! I'm so pleased that you like the imagery! I read other people's stories and then look back at mine and feel like I don't have enough description... so I'm really really glad you touched on that! I don't even know where the idea for this came from, I had just sat down to write one day and boom! here this was; but I'm so glad it's going over well.
Thanks for your lovely, cheerful review! :] Report Review
Here I am with a review from the Review Exchange! :)
What an original idea! I can honestly say that I've never read anything like it. :) It's only the first chapter and I'm already sympathizing with your characters. What a terrible position to be in. It's tragic that Gabrielle was such a cheerful, fun-loving girl, and that all disappeared when her parents died. It's very realistic, though. I can definitely see this happening. The scene in which she asked Owen to sing for her was adorable! So original and creative. It brought her to life for me, because it was something personal and out of the ordinary. Great work, there!
I also like your writing style. It's put-together and easy to read. Nothing jarring or out-of-place, and I really appreciated that. It's clear that you take pride in your writing, and that you enjoy what you are doing. :)
Just a couple things you could work on. One is the overall flow of your writing. The transitions from past to present, and back again were a bit choppy. I did like that you covered a wide range of times and situations (it allowed me to understand your characters better) but it felt a bit rushed, and sometimes under-developed. Also, both students seemed to be a bit rude when they were speaking to the Headmaster. I understand why Gabrielle was this way, seeing as she has drastically changed after her parents' deaths. But Owen, too? The Headmaster is someone who demands respect, and students most usually oblige. :) Just a thought.
Overall, I did enjoy this first chapter. An 8/10 for you, but if I could, I'd give you an 8.5/10. This little rating thing doesn't give me many options! Haha.
GinaAuthor's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! I appreciate it so much, especially since I haven't really gotten much feedback on it. I'm glad you thought it was original and creative! I actually hadn't really thought about that, it was just an idea that hit me and I HAD to write it, haha. And the bit about my writing style -- I'm just floored by that. I guess I never realized how much I put into the writing, but you're absolutely right. I am proud of it and love to do it! It's my way of de-stressing :]
Yes... tenses. Ever since I started learning different languages I haven't been able to properly write them in any language... generally that's the biggest problem for my betas... I'll probably get one in a few chapters :]
And I'll try to fix that whole part between Owen and the Headmaster... I may have still been in Ellie-mode when I wrote it... heh.
This story was such a random thing that I started writing. There's been no real planning, no real ideas, just a simple plot bunny that expanded into this whole thing. Therefore the next chapters won't be posted too soon. I've got to think about where I'm going to take this ;]
Thanks again for the review! You'll have one in return really soon! I've just got to catch up with my threads and not be squished by my crazy work schedule! Report Review
That was much better than I expected! Please re-request when the next chapter or two is up.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you thought so! Report Review
Lovely - and very, very interesting. I loved Ellie, and I loved Owen's characterization as well. She changed, and he was afraid he couldn't handle it - what a powerful story! I'm interested to find out what she did- the seriousness suggests that she did something exceptionally bad. I mean, she's being interrogated! =) And I liked the "sing to me" - it provided a real contrast - how lighthearted she was. I really, really liked this. 9. Loved Owen. I really, really thought his characterization was strong. Just reiterating! =) Thanks for such a lovely chapter!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I've been pretty worried about this story 'cause no one had reviewed, and I didn't know if things were going over well. But you've made me feel so much better about it! Thank you! :D
I'm glad you like the characters. I think I put the most effort into working them and their emotions into the chapter, heh, so it's great to see that they're going over well on the audience.
Thanks so much again! :D Report Review
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