This was absolutely great!
When I first saw the pairing of Salazar/Helga, I was apprehensive. Of all the Founders, I see these two to be the most opposite in personality. But the way you wrote it not only made it believable, but you also made me fall in love with the ship.
I think the way you wrote Salazar and Godric were perfect. There was a clear distinction between their personalities, yet you could still see the similarities. And I like that Salazar ended up with Helga, instead of Godric.
My one problem with this was the smattering of grammar errors. I only picked up on two or three, but I thought I'd point that out :) Great job with this, though! I loved it!
Happy staff/prefect Friday (even though I'm a day late) and thanks for everything you do for the site!
-NaidatheRavenclaw, RavenclawAuthor's Response: Thank you so much you are the only person who reviewed for the staff/prefect Friday so even if it was a day late it is GREATLY appreciated. I'm glad you liked the story and that I've created another believer in the ship.
I have always liked Salazar/Helga and believe they are made for one another. I do apologize for the grammatical errors I tend to have a nasty habit with them. I just don't want to bother a person with betaing things for me. Report Review
Hi, scoots! I don't read much founders but I really did enjoy this -- and I was even more pleased that it featured Helga. I thought reading about her through the eyes of Salazar and Godric was an effective way to characterize her. The way Helga died, protecting a student by using a spell that required much love, absolutely screamed Hufflepuff to me. I really liked how you wrote this, and this was such an interesting insight into the minds of the founders and how their values somehow shaped the houses into what they eventually became, if that even makes sense.
Great job, m'dear!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. It is a piece I am more proud of than others. The ending still bothers me but I haven't decided how I want to fix it. I'm glad that it still goes over well all the same. Report Review
Happy Staff Appreciation Day! This was a really lovely little story of Helga's death, and so interesting that the locket was something that Slytherin had given to her! Very ironic what it would end up being, considering it was originally a gift to a lover...I really liked that little twist!Author's Response: Thanks so much! I had fun with that twist and always thought that Salazar would have disapproved of Voldemort's actions. Report Review
I really liked this because not only did you give us an idea of the story behind the locket, but you also threw in that bit about the basilisk and the Chamber and Secrets. I thought the ending was slightly abrupt, and the flow in the last few paragraphs was a little bit off, but all in all, I enjoyed the tone on which you decided to end it! I also enjoyed the bit about the sand dunes - is that an actual legend?
Founders is a difficult era to tackle, but I think you did it very well. The characterization seemed right on. Great job! ^_^Author's Response: The ending is abrupt I will admit. It is something I would like to eventually fix but not at this point seeing as NaNo is around the corner and I have other fics that need finishing. But on the whole I am glad you liked it! I did enjoy writing it!
The sand dunes are an actual legend. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I don't normally like to see switching back and forth between past and present, as you did with the series of flashbacks in this one-shot. However, I liked it here. You handled it very well. Each flashback was brief enough not to be distracting, and it told the story better than saying, "Salazar had given this locket to Helga, and she loved it!" would have. By using flashbacks, you made those parts of the story seem more immediate to me. I connected better with it.
I thought the ending was the weakest part of the story; it came quite abruptly. In particular, I am not a fan of the final paragraph. The reader already has a good idea that the "revenge" that Salazar intends will take the form of the basilisk, and attempting to clarify that idea with a couple of awkwardly worded sentences leaves the reader with a slightly diminished final impression. Although clarifying the basilisk idea is a worthy goal, that final paragraph doesn't perform that purpose optimally. The previous paragraph about the sand snake at Kenfig is a bit better, though not fabulous.
I liked the way you showed Helga's death through Salazar and Godric. The barely concealed hostility between the two added an extra dimension to the story, beyond their grief. It said something about the character of both men, nearly fighting over the dead body of a woman they'd both been in love with. I enjoyed your portrayal of Slytherin: he was edgy, rude, a bit nasty, but relatable and human.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I wish I had gotten it just before I submitted it for the staff challenge but aw well. It wasn't meant to be. But I did have a feeling that the ending was a bit weak. I need to sit down some time and really look at and see if I can give it the powerful punch the rest of the story seems to have.
I think my down fall was the fact that I wanted to have the Kenfig thing in there so greatly because of the truth behind it. There really are rumors of a sand serpent and in my pigheaded desire to have that tidbit in there it sacrificed the story a bit. Report Review
Hey, LonelyStar here from the forums with the review you requested :)
I love founders era so I was happy when you requested a review of me for a founders era fic. And I have to say that overall you did a great job. I especially like your characterisation of Salazer, and even though they were only flashbacks of her, Helga. You made Salazer seem exactly like what I would have imagined him to be like, and in this Helga was so sweet, and gentle. So good job on characterisation.
The only critque I would have to give on this is that I found that the flow was a bit off sometimes. But apart from that there was nothing else that I could see wrong with this. Description, and dialogue were both really great. Grammar and spelling also both seemed fine to me.
9/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! It is such a pleasure to see a person who actually likes the founders era. I don't know why so many people seem not to like it. With the flow being off a bit I'm really not sure exactly what to fix not knowing where it is off. Hopefully my beta might be able to key into it. I am hoping to hear from her soon. Report Review
Assuming that's where you got your title ... anyway ...
"She was so sweet and full of life it couldn’t haven been taken from her, not yet."
'It' referring to her life is a little confusing, so you might want to rewrite that to make it more readily understood.
"It was the very same love that melted his heart in the first that took her life."
I think you're missing the word 'place' between 'first' and 'that'.
And I think you meant for the last word to be 'fruition', not 'tuition' ;)
I think there were a couple other typos in the middle, you might want to have a beta look over this. Nothing distracting, but it wouldn't hurt.
Flow was pretty good- I wasn't confused when it went back to the past.
Very interesting plot. I do have to wonder why Helga would choose Slytherin over Gryffindor, as Godric/Helga seems a much more likely pairing- but it worked quite well for the story. You characterized the founders very nicely, I thought, though I would have liked to see what Ravenclaw thought of the whole thing.
Terribly ironic, that the monster in the Chamber was there to avenge a Hufflepuff.
Very nice story, I'm not really a fan of founders stories, but I quite enjoyed reading this ;)
~macAuthor's Response: I was aware that the song and my fic have a similar title though I think the connection between the two separate from there despite the fact that the musical is quite good.
Thanks for the grammar pointers. I actually just received word from the person I asked to beta and hopefully I'll have it beta-ed here real soon.
As to Ravenclaw she was in my head and I would have loved to include her more but it just didn't seem fitting to the feel of the story. As to why Helga choose Salazar over Godric is a long drawn out story that I'll potentially have to write some day.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
I have to say this is a really good piece, and I like the depth you've given the founders. It was also a very beautiful/sad/touching piece, and I love bits you added like how Salazar viewed Helga (as well as her act) and the bit about the sand snake (which I found very original). The bit about the Chamber being Salazar's revenge was a nice touch. It really is a very good story.
That being said, I do have some slight criticisms. Although the beginning scene draws one in, I think it could have used a paragraph to describe the beginning scene in order for the reader to completely/easily grasp what's going on. (At the same time, I can't say I would have done any different, either)
On the subject of the locket, I think when he was removing the locket you could have shown more of why he decided to keep it other than the fact that it was useless around her neck, like maybe a line saying it was a reminder of how she made him feel or that she was once his. Such is implied in the fic and it is said in the flashback his reasons for giving it to her, but the fact that it's not dealt with when he removes it makes the object seem a tad less important to him than it would be her.
I also think that the animosity between Salazar and Godric was stressed a tad too much - it almost felt as if they had never been friends and merely tolerated each other, and such is not indicated in the books. Although the Helga thing - and likely others - did cause them to hate each other, the fact is they canonly were once friends. It is stated that they were former friends, but Salazar's conversation with Helga and Godric's thoughts at the end indicate otherwise.
Besides those, the only negative thing I have to say is that grammar could use slight improvement, like maybe a few more commas, but chances are I use them to much. I'm no English teacher myself.
Congratulations on a job well done and an emotional fic!Author's Response: Aisu! I really appreciate you reading through this fic! You have given me additional food for thought when it comes to my fic! I really want to make this fic "something else" if you know what I mean. I appreciate you pointing out the canonicity of things, such as the Godric/Salazar friendship. I always viewed them as the type of firends who always argued about practically everything. I'll have to re-examine how I portray the two of them in this as well as look into adding a line of the meaning of the locket. I suppose because I felt the meaning it was known by my readers, I didn't even think to state it.
As to the commas I contacted a person to be my beta for this fic but sadly I haven't heard anything back so I might have to look into having another person beta this for me.
In relation to the sand serpent that is actually based on real Welsh mythology Kenfig was a real place that has been over taken by sand dunes and it is said a giant sand serpent lives there. My friend told me about the myth and stated how it seemed so Helga and Salazar and she let me use the idea. I lucked out that it is said that Helga is from Wales. Report Review
I love the piece of dialogue you started the piece with, but I don't agree with the use of 'announced.' This is a heated argument over on the forums, but I'm on the side that nothing should ever be used besides 'said' unless absolutely necessary. I'll stop there.
This is brilliant. I must say. I'm generally not a fan of Founders because I don't really understand that whole piece of the history, but you did a really great job with this one. This is an excellent view into a missing moment and I feel that your emotions were spot-on and strong. I could feel everything, which was fantastic. It's an interesting view into them - to think that Salazar Slytherin, THE Slytherin, had such a past isn't something everyone often considers, so I'm really glad you wrote this.
The only criticism I have is that I don't think your dialogue was exactly proper for the era. These characters lived LONG ago, but their voices were rather modern-day teen. It's a hard balance - you can't go over-the-top and write the dialogue too old-school, but you can't have them be modern, either, because that sticks out more than the over-the-top dialogue.
Great story! I really enjoyed it. Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Thank you so much! You really have caused me to look more carefully at the dialogue of my fic and I think I just might go in and spruce it up a bit more to give it more power. Any you make a very valid point about the word announced. I'm not quite of the same opinion as you about only ever using the word said unless necessary because to me each version of the word said evokes a different emotion but alas I am not here to argue to matter but to thank you for a lovely review! So thank you so much I really appreciate the advice and help you have given me! Report Review
Here as requested! ^_^
What an interesting story behind the locket! It was so unique, so touching, so... totally and wonderfully beautiful! I absolutely loved it.
Flow: Perfect, not a glitch in the movement or anything. You didn't skip over anything or move too fast, and the memories were a nice way to move things along. Kudos to you for pulling that off so nicely.
This line struck me as connectible and, well, heartbreaking: "She was supposed to react to his touch but there wasn’t a movement." Really, I think that was my very favorite part of the piece. Great job with that.
Overall opinion? I thought it was absolutely lovely. Nothing really to comment on as far as negativity goes, really. Not confusing, not too sappy, good flow, great descriptions, touching emotions. Yep! You got it all covered here.
RinAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Hearing that is very encouraging! Your review here is the first since I tweaked it. I really appreciate the review because I really want to put my best foot forward because I am thinking of entering it into the staff challenge. Thanks again for the review! Report Review
you asked me to review this for you so here i am ^.^
first off, i noticed that you seem to have trouble with
ending sentences. you have a lot to say, and although
that isn't a bad thing, it makes the format of your story
look and sound pretty sloppy. there weren't many
punctuation mistakes, just a few minor ones.
for example, in the middle of a run on sentence, there
should have been a semi-colon or even a comma, yet
there wasn't one. it was just this really long sentence
that looked like a paragraph when really, it wasn't.
It was something he had never seen but her love was just so great that Salazar could never see coming from another, it was what melted his heart in the first.
this particular sentence did not make much sense to me,
just because there are so many words used that are trying
to make do of something that could be much simpler. i really
don't understand what you were trying to say, but that's
probably because i'm stupid, haha.
you repeated a lot of works, like never, ever, and smile.
you could replace those words with
for never: at no time, not under any condition, nevermore,
not in any way, etc.
for ever: anytime, at all, at any point, by any chance, in
any case, everylastingly, at any time in history.
for smile: grin, beam, smirk, turned up lips.
for repeating the word 'smile' a lot, 'smile' is a noun so it
doesn't seem that out of place when it's used a bunch of
times but when it's an adverb like 'never' or 'ever' then
it's definitely something the reader picks up on.
i'm sure you know this, but an adverb describes another verb.
in your case, salazar had loved; how had he loved? never.
it shows a pattern and though your story might not be, it
gives off the impression that it's all rushed, just because of
the evident and clear use of the two probably most common
adverbs. just a little tip.
i'd also reccomend requesting a beta or if you don't want to
do that, then make sure you proof read because there were
a few spelling mistakes; not too many and i probably wouldn't
have noticed them if i hadn't have concentrated so hard on
finding them, but yeah, just saying.
for example: Weather the myth is true
weather should be whether and that was probably something
you easily overlooked, so i don't blame you :]
otherwise, this was a fantastic read. i've never read a ff
involving the founders so it was a pretty good introduction
to it. i'd love to read more by you!
8 / 10 ! Author's Response: Thanks so much! I am currently working on a touch up on it at this moment so hearing what you have to say helps in expanding my work and making it better. I haven't gotten a beta just yet seeing as I am still tweaking it. I just put it up so I could get some advice on it in general idea of whether the fic as a whole had potential. I GREATLY appreciate what you had to say! Report Review
First of all- this was really, really quite good. The flashbacks were not awkward - they really fit and flowed well. It's rare for an author to pull that off, and you did it beautifully.
You could do with a bit more description in places- especially with the placement (figurative and literal) of Godric in relation to Salazar, what his emotions are, etc. Apart from their fight over Helga, why do they hate each other so much?
Helga gave her life to save a student, and the energy was too much? Isn't that more Eragon than Harry Potter? I know Luna's mother died of a backfiring charm, but it may be good for you to describe what you mean by 'magic draining'. But then you said she had to be avenged? That's where I got lost. Who killed her? Why? Or was it an accident? It seems to me like Salazar blames Godric- so did Godric have something to do with it? So was in it battle? I got lost there - how she did, and who did it.
And how a charm makes it avenged- that was confusing, too.
So, in general, more detail. Take the reader through the why a bit more throughly, rather than just emotions in the present. Walk us through how she died.
The end two paragraphs were like a conclusion- I would put a few spaces between that and the actual story, because I was confused at first.
But it was good! It made Salazar a person, and the way you described how he felt when he had her body in his arms was powerful- how she was supposed to be responding *tear*
Really good! =D I don't want to sound incredibly harsh- you are very talented - keep up the good work! 8/10.Author's Response: WOW! An AMAZING review. I was feeling like some things were missing! Knowing where I need to expand helps a LOT. I mean seriously it helps me have direction once again having felt so lost. Now that you mention the Eragon thing I see what you mean I forgot about that. *didn't fully read Eragon*
I was aiming with the concept was that there were forms of magic very powerful during the time of the founders not seen anymore and I figured there possible was a form of magic that was so powerful that it protected extreemly well but came at a great cost such as the loss of life. It was to be a sort of a play on the whole sacrificial magic that we see Lily pull but different.
I had indeed wondered if I didn't touch the death of Helga in detail enough. It was hard to tell because I certainly do not want to detract from the feeling of the piece but I think I might know how to work that in, which will expand it more but in a good way!
Thanks so much! *goes eagerly to re-write and expand* Report Review
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