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2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by whitnee00 After the Battle.

19th August 2012:
Hello! Im sorry I am not here to write a review, but rather to ask you a question. I was wondering how you came up with the name Taylor Petrus? That name is not common and that happens to be my names which I googled and your post came up. I'm just curious, and I made this huff account just to ask you too so it would mean a lot to me if you could contact me back?

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Review #2, by ohcrapidroppedmybrain After the Battle.

1st September 2009:
ohcrapidroppedmybrain to review you, because I notice that this is your first story on here and that you didn't have any reviews so far. I'll run through the paragraphs with things I like about it and ideas for improvement to help you become an even greater writer!

"She had found them, only not in the way she had hoped for. She had hoped for a joyous family reunion; maybe she could actually have some sort of family with them. That was impossible though. They were motionless, though they looked peaceful when they were next to each other. She now wished that she had come to Tonks and Remus sooner. Caution, however, was always her first rule and if others had found out she had been back in England for the past two years, life would have taken a terrible swing for the worse. As she stood over Tonks and Remus’ bodies, a few tears slid down her face, but she remained quiet, stoic. A scene would not be necessary. She now knew no one here. All of her kin were dead, now she just wished for rest too—but don’t worry, she wasn’t going to kill herself."

That was a beautifiul beginning to the story. It was fresh and suspenceful, leaving me with enough questions to keep on reading. The only thing I suggest you change is the last sentence. Perhaps you can replace it with something like "she contemplated killing herself if it weren't for the fact that..." or something along those lines. While it is good we know this but you told us instead of your character. The mood messed up.

As she walked through the unfamiliar hallways, a sense of curiosity overcame her. These were the halls that her family had walked, her cousins, her aunt, even her mother…her father. The large, dignified paintings that lined the walls were all buzzing chattily—at least those that hadn’t been brutally destroyed. Yes, the castle had taken quite a beating, but it seemed to be radiating a tired joyfulness. Sunlight streamed through the windows [or open holes]. Professor McGonagall was briskly walking past her. She had heard of McGonagall and seen her picture a few times in the newspaper. While she was getting old, she exuded a brisk confidence and strict morality that could definitely give someone who was breaking rules the shivers. Well, this might be my only chance to get any directions.

I especially like your use of description here, I feel as though I am walking with her. I'm sorry that I don't know the character's name yet, because I'm making up the review as I read, but I really like her so far (a major feat since that was only the second paragraph). My suggestion for this is to delete the open holes part, because it threw me off track a little.

“Umm…excuse me, Professor McGonagall” she called out. McGonagall turned around quickly.

At the end of the dialogue, it should have a question mark since she is asking something. Add more detail before "McGonagall turned around..."

“Yes Miss…oh I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I do not know you.”

That's fine!

“Oh right. My name is Taylor Petrus, I’m an apprentice to Mr. Ollivander and I heard about—well, what was going on so I came to help.”

I think you can see the trouble spots judging by my earlier critique. =]]

I'm sorry that I'm not doing the rest of the chapter like this because I'm not sure if I can because, strictly speaking, I'm not a beta. Even though I probably sounded like the biggest brat in the world for giving you all this critique, I really hope it helps you get more reviews in the long run. I understand what it feels like to be a beginning writer because I was one myself and it takes a lot of guts pouring something so intimate out for the world to see. I wish you the best of luck, because this seems like an extremely promising story, and I promise I will read the next chapter later. The ending was good, just so you know. I was like, "wow" when I realised that Voldemort and Bellatrix were her parents. Very random, but thought you needed to know that in case you decide to change it!

Author's Response: Thanks for my first review! You didn't sound like a brat at all, I found it very helpful. Right now I'm just trying to get the story down and will hopefully go back and take out grammatical mistakes/make the writing more eloquent so I appreciate the editing.

Thanks again!

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