It's really good how Lavender tells the story in her mind.
How she feels sorry for herself at times.
I have wrote a story on Lavender after the war in Deathly Hollows and how she thanks Hermoine for saving her (which they become friends)Author's Response: maybe i'll check out your story then sometime? you have been so kind to be with leaving several reviews i see no reason why i shouldn't return the favor. thanks again for yet another sweet review. it really means a lot to me. feel free to pop back into any of my stories anytime you wish. Report Review
Awh, I've started to grow some sympathy pains for Lavender.
I love stories like these. The small stories with just the characters thoughts. I really liked it. 10/10.
Sorry it's not very long :/
~AnimicAuthor's Response: don't feel bad...the story is not very long so really i was not expecting too long of a review. thanks anyways. i am really glad that you enjoyed this seeing as it is not one of my best works. Report Review
so it isn't letting me leave this review while logged in -- ?
whatever; i'm blackhands on hpff and you asked me to
leave a review so i am.
your story was interesting. i haven't ever read a lavender /
ron fan fiction before but i must say i enjoyed it more than
i thought i would. however, i do have a few things to say.
the flow of your story was a bit choppy and at certain
points, you were trying to sound overly sophisticated,
making not much of it make any sense. there was something
lacking from it but i can't tell you what it is because i don't
know for myself...maybe it's because it's so short?
being so short, your audience doesn't get as full as you
expect them to. they read the whole thing and look for
a next chapter button and when they find there isn't one,
it's almost like -- what? am i missing something? it was also
a bit unrealistic; it seemed in 1,000 words or less, lavendar
went from being completely confused and broken over ron
to an independent woman who knew why it had all
i would suggest, if you write more one shots like this,
to make them 2,000 words or more and include plenty
of lengthy, descriptive information, struggle and triumph
so we get the full story; beginning, middle, and end. without
it, it's like trying to put together a puzzle piece that's
missing ten of the most significant pieces; do you get
what i'm saying?
i gave you a 7 / 10 because even though it wasn't
one of the bests, it was still above par, better than what i've
read in the past. i applaud you and i hope to read more from
you soon. i hope you take my advice!
Author's Response: thank you very much for the wonderful review. your advice is very wise and i would be a complete fool NOT to take it. i was very hesitant with this and really found it not to be my best work but i do like to add variety and i guess that is why i posted this even with so many doubts. hopefully i will find time to make this story a little lengthier but until then i am very pleased to see that you still found this alright. thanks again. Report Review
This was a really good reflectional one-shot. I don't think, plot-wise, you need to improve. You've caught, in any second of time, how Lavender sees her plight. Your explanation of her logic does make sense- she sees herself as having been too open with Ron, and now she's paying the price. I think flow is what you need to work on. Your ideas are wonderful, but from my perspective, you are putting too many periods after sentences that aren't sentences. Don't get me wrong, it can be a very effective writing style - I love to do it, too. It's a wonderful way of emphasizing a point, and it can leave a really leave a powerful message. But, I think when you write the entire piece that way, especially in a one-shot, it undermines the impact and interrupts the flow. It makes your ideas seem too disconnected.
Great piece- thought provoking. It takes a bit of the criticism off Lavender. She's doing what she thinks she should, and what she sees as effective- she's just trying to be his girlfriend.
=) I hope this helped!Author's Response: thank you very much for the lovely review. i agree with you about the flow. it was such a short piece to write and so i struggled with it a bit more than i probably should have. i found it very difficult to get the flow right with the one-shot being so short and so i am glad that even though there were a few glitches you still found it effective enough. thanks again for the review. Report Review
This one-shot was really interesting! The first thing that made me want to read it was the pairing since it is so uncommon (my favorite type of ship). The beginning was really great too, it had a lot of emotion in it which made me want to see how Lavender was going to deal with the break up.
The only thing that suprised me was that it wasn't one of those types of stories that are told in flashbacks. Which I think would have been a good way to add more detail to the story. I think that maybe you should add more to this one-shot, like specific memories that Lavender had of her and Ron being together.
All in all, the emotions you had in this were really spot on. And also there wasn't a single spelling mistake. I'm going to check out your other stories now!Author's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. originally, when i first started to write this, flashbacks were my intention but as i went about it , it just felt right to have what i had. thanks so much for the review though. i am so glad to hear that you liked this. Report Review
I like the ambiguity of the beginning, but the first sentence is a little too open, in my opinion. The second paragraph would also work for an opening.
I like getting into Lavender's head a bit. This is quite short, but it's as long as it needs to be, really. Nicely introvertive with just enough narrative.
Typo- "I was a perfect girlfriend: honest, sincere, and easy to.' should be 'easy too.' There are a few oddly phrased sentences/sentences that are need a second read to understand; consider getting a beta just to glance over it. It's well written, but a second set of eyes never hurts :)
I quite enjoyed reading this and I'll have to check out some more of your stories :)
~macAuthor's Response: thank you. yes, i really struggled with this piece but either way, i always love to see how my writing grows over time. thanks for reading and looking over this. a beta reader would help tremendously. thanks again for the lovely review. Report Review
Sorry for the delay! I really liked this story though. It was very short, but it was to the point and really doesn't need any more elaboration. It was very interesting to go into Lavender's experience of the break up - while reading the book, everyone was cheering but to read this kind of makes you feel a bit guilty. Not much to critique (because it's short), so I'm sorry for the short review :( But this was really well done, great job!Author's Response: thank you very much. i know that this was such a short story but that is why i wanted a little bit of feedback. i am not used to writing these sorts of things and so i am glad that you found it well done. thanks again for the wonderful review. Report Review
I really liked this. Good work, but it doesn't match up with my idea of Lavender Brown. Might have worked better with another character... beautiful, though.Author's Response: thank you. Lavender's character really did not make sense to me for some reason and that might be why she seemed a little off. this was for a challenge on the forums so i really had no choice but to pair the two of them up. anyways, i am really pleased to hear that you liked this. as a writer that is all that i can ever hope for. thank you for the wonderful review. Report Review
I never read a fic which was based on the thoughts of Lavender, and I really liked it =]
There were a parts that kind of slowed my reading down, just because of small things like missing commas, and missing small words.
But other than that, I really liked it, it was short- but it fits well. 8/10 =]Author's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. i was struggling quite a bit with the flow of this. things this short always cause me to rethink every little thing. i appreciate your feedback though. i am glad that you still enjoyed this. Report Review
Thanks for participating in the challenge!
It's short, but it's to the point. I really like the plot.
It's a different view to get into Lavender's head.
Great job! :D
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: thank you very much for stopping by with a wonderful review. i am glad to hear that you liked this. thank you. Report Review
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