Reading Reviews for Broken Ballerina
  
47 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Serendipity1234 Broken Ballerina

19th November 2011:
Hi :)

There were many things I liked about this story, but I'm also left with A LOT of questions...some of which I mentioned in my other review, concerning her family.

I now understand that Bella was her half-sister, but when did they each figure that out? And who was Dorcas' father? Did he marry Bella's mom ever? Are Narcissa and Andromeda meant to be Bella's half-sisters? Or are they also Dorcas' half-sisters? And then Sirius would be her cousin. And then who did the Meadowes name come from? The mother? Because in the flashback with Dorcas' father's POV he thought that he had been raised differently and given a choice, which he wanted for his daughter, as well...and where does Cassandra fit into that? They had different fathers?

I really liked the flashback, though. I felt it revealed lot about Dorcas' personality and how she became rebellious in the first place. Where her way of thinking and resentment originated. I also liked how it demonstrated her capability of feeling true joy and emotion.

If you are considering editing this story, I would reccomend making it longer. I would definitely elaborate on what happened at Hogwarts after she discovered what the seal really was. I would add in her transition. Instead monologues, use dialogue and convesations. Action. When she develops a friendship with the marauders and how she realizes her feelings for Remus. Also the interactions between herself and Dumbledore and how she ended up in a relationship with Remus. How she was able to leave the Death Eaters and join the order.

I really liked the character you had created. I liked her detachment and fight for freedom. I liked reading about a character who wasn't necessarily a good person, but who was strong and became better. And I liked her resistance and how you built up an understanding of the pureblood society.

I think you should have also elaborated on that society. Examples of exactly how the Meadowes came to be different and more powerful than other families- what Dorcas was taught.

Basically, I really liked the idea, but I think you made it too short...I think you could have written like...double the number of chapters you had and expanded on everything. Adding in the events and emotions she began to feel instead of just the philosophical aspect of it.

Although I can see where that may have been a goal with this piece. You didn't want it to be like the Dreamland of Angels, where you see the relationships growing and the emotions and stress the character endures. I think that this was more about the philosophy of how such a character could develop her opinions and what thoughts would lead to such changes in opinions.

I would've liked it better if it was different, but I still liked it and thought it was well-written. I also really liked the quotes you chose, especially in this last chapter.

I also found that you had many typos and mispellings throughout the story, so if you go back to edit, I would definitely look at that. One area in particular which I remember was the beginning of the chapter when she goes into the garden and speaks with Sirius.

Lastly, I don't really understand why you chose 'Broken Ballerina' for the title of the piece...perhaps it's a metaphor or I just missed the point entirely? I just didn't really understand how you were connecting Dorcas with ballet.

This review is, I'm sure, overly critical. I didn't review every chapter because I thought that changes may be made later in the story that would render my suggestions useless. Because I didn't review every chapter, I didn't tell you what I liked about every chapter and I know that the parts that I liked seemed much more insignificant when I metioned them here. I just can't remember all the individual pieces and parts, so I tried mentioning them in a more all-encompassing way. I don't want you to think that those parts actually were insignificant, nor do I want you to think that I didn't like the story. I did like it a lot, actually, and I found it to be one of the most wildly creative and unique stories I have read. It's an idea that I never would have thought of and it was therefore very thought-provoking.

I'm simply not accustomed to stories of this kind. They're not what I'm typically interested in. I enjoyed reading and never did I consider quitting on the story. I really liked the story you created and the character was fascinating to me. It left me wanting to know much more about her. I would've liked it to be longer, with more dialogue and interactions with the other characters.

If you ever decide to edit it, I would be happy to read more. If not, I think that, overall, it was a good story :)

Author's Response: This was meant to be a one shot, by the way, did you know that? Maybe that's why it seemed so have so many holes in it that need mending. I have thought of changing it, but i didnt want to stray too much from the original idea of the story, because it felt like cheating the character (my though process isn't the most linear around, i know ;P ). Anyway, after your reviews, Im starting to change my mind...

I hope that from the other response the things about Dorcas's family are a bit clearer. I know that it doesn't really matter now that you've finished the story, but anyway... I always thought that the Meadows surname came from her mother, but to tell you the truth, I never really elaborated a history of their family and why they were so powerful in the pureblood world. I just srota put them there witout explaining - which you noticed. But your reviews have gotten me thinking and I know I want to edit out the confusing bits and elaborate. I always wanted to add to this story, but never had the guts to do it. I didn't think I could nail the emotions beind the characters enough to make it into something longer and more elaborate. But now Im thinking i should try.

I added the flashback mostly to give Dorcas's father a more elaborate role in ehr bacground since he is teh reason she is who she is in teh first place. Im glad that it added another layer to her character.

This story was very much a character study for me. It was the first time that I picked a character and wanted to shape it into something different from what it was when the story started. Which is why everything is processed throught her eyes and why the story ended up being such a closed off, with all the monologues and little action.

Nah, there is no connection with Dorcass and actual ballet, but even initially as I was thinking of the idea behind this story, i thought of my character as someone very damaged, that could never be put toghether again and be like veryone else. I wanted the title to give a sense of lost innocence, of something that would evoke some kind of pity (what it more pitiful than a ballerina that can never dance again - seemed like a good idea at the time ;P ) But a pity that would be balanced by the realisation of who this character is and why she came to be that way. Because she start out as someone mean, already damaged and you think that this person is really broken, but you cant sympathise until you learn how she was and what she lost, how her innocense was 'stolen'. In the end, I wanted to make it so that it would appear Dorcas found some pieces of her old self, but even then, that she coudln't be really mended. I was thinking of people who fight for a better world, but not for themselves, because they know they cant enjoy it really.
wow, this was long.

I know about the typos. I blush everytime someone mentiones it to me, but I know my weakneses - and grammar is one of them. Im never able to correct all my mistakes on my own.

Anyway, just wanted to kinda explain myself. I hope i get to edit this story into something better. I feel like a want to, thanks to your reviews. And by the way, sometimes when a story is already finished, an encompassed vision of a story is better than a chapter-by-chapter. This way i know on the aspects of the whole thing that need to be looked into and edited (heavily ;P). Dont worry, Im not one to take critical reaviews badly, because I LOVE 'EM!! They make me think harder, they make me wanna write something better!

So thank you! Beacause Im startingt o think that this story needs a few more chapters. :D


 Report Review

Review #2, by Serendipity1234 Truth shall set you free

19th November 2011:
I'm confused about how she got from Hogwarts to a nursery and when her mother arrived and left?
Was the nursery the hospital wing? Or did she go home?
I liked the chapter, but I definitely preferred the beginning over the last part. The monologue was very long and it became very confusing to me because I couldn't tell if she was actually meeting with her mother, or if it was all in her head.
Also, I know that you said that Cassandra and Dorcas are half-sisters, and that they had been born of different mothers. Does Dorcas realize that the mother she's known isn't actually her mother? I know you said that she wondered what had happened to her mother, but I got the impression that it was the same blond, blue-eyed mother she's always known.
And I'm also still confused about the man she mentioned in an earlier chapter. She said it wasn't her father, it was a man her mother had brought into their home, she didn't respect him, she loathed him, and that he liked to play with knives ?
Who is he and where does he fit into all this?
Or is Cassandra Dorcas' half-sister by another father, and the half-sister that will be the obedient one with the dark mark lives somewhere else?

Author's Response: You know, only now that i read your reviews i realise how long its been since Ive worked at this story. It IS confusing, isn't it? I dont kow what i thought as I was writng this story, but at the time, making every process go throught Dorcas and change inside her seemed like a good idea at the time. This resulted in long monologues and short dialougues throughout the story. I think I've avoided writing the dialogue with her mother for several reasons, but mostly because Im too afraid I wont get the feelings behind it correctly. it seemed easier to portray the whole ting from Dorcas's pov.

Cassandra is Dorcas's sister from the same mother, but from a different marrige. So, D's mum was married with Cassandra's father first (who had unspecified - which will need to be specified to make things clearer - end) and then married Dorcas's father, and had Dorcas. Yeah, it is the same mother she's always know but she doesnt consider her to be her mother anymore. You kow what, Im just gonna rewrite the whole thing!! :D

The man was supposed to be her mother's new lover, a Death Eater or something of the like. And Dorcas of course hates him. I wanted a lot of things to be barely mantioned in this story, to give a feeling of multiple forces around Dorcas, that shape her, but I didnt predict on the bits of info being so confusing. ... it really shows that this is one of my earliest piece, doesn't it ;P

The destiny sister was not meant to be a blood sibling, but more like two 'kindred spirits' or something like that. It was meant to be Bellatrix. Just two people that could either be mirror images of each other, or arch nemesis, depending on their choices.


 Report Review

Review #3, by Serendipity1234 Changeling

19th November 2011:
Hi!
I've been reading the Dreamland of Angels and I thought I'd check out some of your other stories :)
Just wanted to say I'm really liking this one so far. It's wonderfully unique and I love the character's dark wisdom. It's an interesting mind set and this chapter made me very curious about the rest of the story. Great introduction.

~C

Author's Response: Hello!!! Thank you for doing this, Im so flatered! :D
I really hope you like it. Its a bit darker than 'the dreamland of angels' i guess, but I hope you like the different tone. I cant wait to see how you react to a main character that is so different from Anya!


 Report Review

Review #4, by luvinpadfoot Broken Ballerina

10th October 2011:
I didn't see half of that coming. It was so good and surprising and just all around wonderful. Dorcas really changed her life around, but you wrote it in such a way that it was completely believable.

The only thing I would suggest to make this better would be to just edit the piece on a whole. There were a few spelling errors, but other than that I loved it. Great story!

Author's Response: Hey there! Im glad that you like this and that you thought it well put together. One of the things i really wanted to do well was to present tis story as a somewhat sincere tale and beliavable for a character like her, so im really happy that you enjoyed that part.

Spelling and gramar are my weak points. You wouldn't believe how many times Ive gone and edited this myself, but i just never get them all.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :D


 Report Review

Review #5, by Leah Broken Ballerina

13th July 2011:
I'd like to start by saying that this was absolutely brilliant.

There were a number of grammatical errors that, if fixed, could make the story a much smoother read.

There were also times when the story seemed a bit disjointed such as the wedding scene where names seemed to be randomly thrown in with dialogue that didn't match. I'm not going to write that up as a negative, though, because I thoroughly enjoyed working it out on my own. I bring it up for two opposing reasons. The first is that there are moments where things seem completely erroneous (like in chapter one when you refer to Dorcas as a McKinnon) rather than simply subtle. The other side of the coin is that your subtlety is what makes this story wonderful. You have a way of holding back information and then slipping it inconspicuously in an unexpected moment that is delightful. Naturally, I wouldn't reccommend changing this style, I would just suggest a bit of caution and attention to detail.

I suppose another benefit of this style is that even though I'm certain there were inconsistencies and I've read them a few times, I'm still second guessing myself. (Not so certain after all, it seems.)

I'm going to admit that I didn't like Dorcas at first. It wasn't because she was cruel or condescending because evil characters are their own sort of wonderful. I just thought she was a bit flat and I couldn't make up my mind about how she was feeling (or if she was feeling at all). It was your style of writing that kept me reading past that first chapter and I'm very glad that I did. Personally, I'm not a frequent reader of fan fiction mostly because I think the majority female leads tend to be a bit trite but every so often I take a peek and find myself surprised. This was certainly one of those cases.

I've already said far too much, but I'd like to respond to a few of your questions from the end, so sorry about the lengthy review.

I loved the last chapter. At first I was surprised at the leap in time, but the scenes leading up to the end helped to fill in a few of the gaps. I was a bit wary at the beginning when I noticed the way Dorcas reacted to Remus, but you pulled in their relationship beautifully. I loved the explanation for her attraction and even her fear. I also loved the death scene and how it was hopeful and inspiring while remaining so tragic.

Ok, done now. Brava!

Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks so much for the great and especially helpful review. Its been ages since i've come back to this story and your review made me want to be back and edit the hell out of it. It seems to me that I've writen this story ages ago, and even thought it hasn't reall been that long i realised that i wanted to do some rewriting... but Im going to try and stick with the editing part, because after your review i dont wanna change much of the style of this story.

I know what you're talking about when you mention the errors in names that bouce at you randomly. Those are either me trying to be smart when constructing a sentence and then failing so miserably that what im trying to say becomes barely understandable... or silly speed mistakes.

I've thought a lot about what you said about Dorcas and gone and reread the first two chapters. I have come to admit that on one hand you are right, she does come off as a bit dry. My initial reasoning was that this is just a part of her character and therefore she was supposed to sound one-dimentional at first (but not uninteresting, that's the part I'll be working on). And I wanted her to seem as if she didnt care about anything, because she doesnt. I wanted her to sound like she didnt belong to either side because she was condescending to both - but i definitely didnt want her to be flat in the proces. You've goten me thinking about this and I'm all exited because i haven gone back to this story in a while - thanks for that.

Im glad thought, very very happy actually, that Dorcas ended up catching your interest in the next chapters and that you liked the story!! :D And seriously, the last thing one needs apologising is long reviwes, because as you can see I love 'em, and i give long replies too!

The last chapter had me a bit uncomfortable. I didn't want to write any more about her at Hogwarts, but I didnt want to get to her death right away, so i kinda filled that gab with anything i could. I've re-written the first part of the chapter to make the transition a bit more fluid, I wrote it the second i was done reading your review actually. Inspiration is a strange thing.

And the relationship with Remus was a surprise even for me, because before I wrote it, i was planing on making her stick with Sirius, but then I realised that Remus fit so much better. The ending on the other hand was what made me write the whole story. It was strangely the first thing thought of, even before I picked a main character. Im so happy that you liked it.

Thank you so very much for your words and for taking the time to write them! You've made me a very happy girly!


 Report Review

Review #6, by LoopyLemon Broken Ballerina

25th March 2011:
Hey I really enjoyed this! It was really well written and was completly believable and enjoyable. I loved the Remus ship at the end. Definatly didn't see that coming.

I noticed that you had a few spelling/grammar mistakes through this. I just happen to be a beta who isn't working on anything at the moment and would be quite willing to beta this for you. PM me on the forums if you are interested.

Again I really really enjoyed reading this as it was so unique and captivating in it's own way.

Good job! 10/10

Author's Response: hey, so good to hear from you and im delighted that you liked this. im glad that you thought it was beliavable and written well. yeah, that remus thing at the end kinda got m by surprise also, since i didnt know who i wanted her to end up with until i wrote it.

ive been trying to expand this story and in reading it again, ive noticed some things that i wanted to change, but wasnt convinced i should. i wrote this some time ago and i thought i should let that distance show, i mean between how i used to write then and how i write now. anyway, reading about how you liked this kinda made me want to leave this story as it is ;D

about the beta thing, id absolutely LOVE it if you could beta this for me. i dont know why i always have trouble when i request for beta at the frorum. thank you so much for offering and of course for reviewing.


 Report Review

Review #7, by strawberrydarhling The unfeeling

13th March 2011:
I really loved this chapter because this fic is different from most and I really can't wait to see where it leads.

There were quite a few mistakes though and I don't know whether I said this in the previous review or not but I suggest you get a beta to just polish things up a bit.

I love how in this that you don't really put anything major into it and yet enough action that it makes the readers want o read on.

Good job with this :)

Megan
xx

Author's Response: Hi there! Glad that you're enjoying this! I know about the mistakes and all and Ive tried to get a beta, but i dont know why my requests never seem to have any luck, they just root there in the forum until they get deleted by the staff, because nobody pick them up. Ive been trying to polish this myself before you get to reading it, so that it doesnt bother you, but Im not really good at that.

Yeah, the plot is goignt o start rolling in the next chapter or so, but Ive tried to keep all thigs really subdued and calm on the surface. I hope you like the rest!


 Report Review

Review #8, by strawberrydarhling Changeling

8th March 2011:
Hi! It's strawberrydarhling here with your review :)

After reading the first chapter of 'The Dreamland Of Angels' I was expecting something similar but you really surprised me with this!

I really like Dorcas so far because she has everything in her that I like in a character. I'm also really glad she's a Slytherin because there isn't really that many around, and just simply because I'm a Slytherin :)

Also I spotted quite a few mistakes in this so I suggest you getting a beta just to polish things up a bit. But aside from the few mistakes this was a really great chapter and I really enjoyed it.

Don't worry, you'll see me soon with another review for the next chaper! :)

Megan
xx

Author's Response: Its been a while since ive written this, but that's not why its so different from the other story. I try with every story to explore something different about my writing. A new style, or character or plot, or whatever i can. Im so glad that you found it different and that you liked it and than you liked Dorcas. :D
I loved writing her so much.
She is going to develop a lot througout the story, but i have tried to keep her as faithful as i could to the Slytherin-personality. You'll be able to judse how much ive suceed in that for yoursef. (id like to know hat you think in that aspect)

Thanks for doing this, and I hope you enjoy the rest.


 Report Review

Review #9, by Blissbug Cracked mask

5th June 2010:
So I have owed you a review for a long time and here I am. I remember this story, having started the chapter you indicated but having been interrupted while review :)~ I'm glad to be back, the details are so rich, the pace -- while a bit slow -- suits the tonality and I think this story has a kind of weight others around here don't.

You've got a lot of characters here and I'm impressed that you handle them well. You focus very cleanly on the main characters, but let other side characters give perspective and weight. I also appreciate that you let dialogue do a lot of characterization!

As I said before, your details are rich. You definitely capture a real atmosphere here, though I have to admit, the heavy Romantic period sort of environment gets a little long winded. I do think it's completely appropriate, but I'd caution you about over-doing it.

I love the internal dialogue, we get such a strong sense of character and situation. You have an excellent bead on your OC and that's impressive.

Overall this is a really weighty chapter with a lot going on but you handle it well and you dedication to your character's authenticity is great!

BB

Author's Response: Hi! Im so glad that you came around this review! I havent been in here for a long time (why does nobody tell you that university is the most painful experience you can ever have??) but your review was the best welkome back present ever.

Im glad to see that the story has made an impact. I was going for the darker side, but I neve intended to overdo it. I know that i tend to get a little too much in my descreiptions and that made me a little weary, but at least Im relieved that it didnt make you pull your hair out os something cruel like that ;P

When i wrote tis, i really wanted to get out the character of Dorcas, so everything was kind of arranged around that. Later i found myself trying to flesh out the other character for themselves - but it always kind of came down to her.

Im really really flatered that you felt the dialogue had a point. When i started writing here I was told (with good cause) that my dialogue was a bit stiff, so you can only imagine my happiness at knowing that I've improved in that direction.

Thank you very much for coming back to this and for the lovely words. C:


 Report Review

Review #10, by The Dark Temple of Light Broken Ballerina

27th April 2010:
This is a pretty good story, and quite enjoyable. I really like your characterisation and how you don't overplay things. My only suggestion is that from chapter 7 to chapter 8, it's a pretty big jump. It's a little disjointed and it took me a while to work out what was actually going on. I think there should be some in between chapters, and also something that hints at what happens between Dorcas and Remus beforehand (it was very out of the blue for me).

But overall, it's quite good!

The Dark Temple of Light

Author's Response: Yeah, i know the whole Remus thing is a little sudden. I guess that if I wrote what happens between chaptr 7 and 8, it would be of course much clearer, so you have a point there. I just was afraid to ruin the story by cutting in on some random filler. But Im glad that you like the characterisation and the theme - those were big parts when I wrote it, what made the writing move along!

'not overplay things' - thank you very much for that, its such a relief that you think so.

Thank you for the lovely review. :)


 Report Review

Review #11, by Liisarr Broken Ballerina

13th April 2010:
Strange as it may be, my favourite part was that you made death seem female in this chapter! Everyone always assumes death is male, like you could think about Dorcas at the beginning of this, but you mixed it up a little, which is definitely what this story is about.

To anyone that didn't see the Remus/Dorcas ship coming it would have been a big surprise, but even though I noticed it in the first few chapters I still felt that it was slightly under-developed, which is something you could work on. =)

Also, I would advise either checking through some of the later chapters for spelling and other grammar mistakes as there are more as the story progresses (or at least more that I noticed!).

As for the plot, I loved how that she died for what she believed in and that she eventually got the others to trust her, which also stayed true to canon! I did find some of this chapter confusing at first glance, as did another reviewer I saw, so maybe you could re-think that slightly, but make sure you don't detract from how it's written as it's done very well!

I hope my reviews were okay, and good luck with any revisions you make!

Author's Response: First of all, thanks for taking up my offer and being back! I have to say yet again that that thing about death being female had gone unnoticed before you mentioned it, even my me. I never really went into it with the thought of making it that way. Im very flatered that you though the way this was written likable, that's a huge compliment. The spelling I will work on, because Im filling the form for a beta right after I finish replying!

You might have noticed from my authors note at the end, that the underdevelopment of the ship was a fear of mine since the moment i finished writing this. Im just too afraid to get back to it, because I know it will take me a lot of time that I dont have right now. Its kind of a bummer that their getting toghether didnt take you by surprise though :P , but its instantly compensated by the thought that you found the characters in canon.

Thank you very much again for everything.


 Report Review

Review #12, by Liisarr Cracked mask

13th April 2010:
I'm pretty sure that Lady (when referring to Lady Mackintosh) should always have a capital L. There were a few other mistakes, but you'll probably notice them with another read through.

You had some amazing writing in the middle of that chapter! The descriptions were amazing, and as a reader you can definitely see Dorcas trying to break the mould, which I'm guessing will be the main theme of the story.

It was good to have a focus on her family at this stage in the story, though I think more attention needs to be paid to the school setting so I hope to see that in the next chapters.

I hope my reviews helped, however slightly, and if you want any more reviews on other chapters feel free to request them!

Author's Response: Yeah, sorry about those. I make dosens of mistakes like that and hide behind the fact that english isnt my first language, countying on it to keep excusing my lazyness when editing.
Yes, her transition is the main theme of the story and Im glad that its starting to come through more clearly.

You know, reviews are always a special pleasure, but its reviewss like this that reminds me of the splendid diversity of the readers of this site. I had never though much about the setting of this story, because I always concentrated on Dorcas, her thoughts, her emotions, the world thought her. It seemed to me that not much would capture her eyes and I have written here only about the things that do.

Thank you very much for you time and words, they helped me create a whole new POV of this story, a new way to look at it and hopefully make it better.


 Report Review

Review #13, by Liisarr The unfeeling

13th April 2010:
I was really starting to love her power and acceptance of who she is as well as her non-caring attitude, but I like how you show that it's just a facade at the end of that scene, "if anyone could get through these walls I had built and that I could no longer escape from. Maybe if they got through, they would show me the way out as well…" That makes her a lot more relatable and definitely makes me look forward to see how her barriers are broken down.

It's good to get different opinions from the characters, especially because the Marauders have the same opinions as most readers would. It also increases her relatability.

Remus seems slightly OOC, though. I know that of the four he'd be the most likely to think twice about what Dorcus is really like inside, but I think his motivation needs to be shown slightly in this chapter otherwise their potential romance seems not as natural.

As for the pacing, that seems good so far and the changing POV definitely adds to the story rather than detracts from the action.

Author's Response: Again, youre the first to pick up on that line - or at least tell me that you did! It was difficult to learn when to start balancing her pride and arrogance with the rest of her. She still is just as bad as she looks, but there is also more. I have been told before that the Pov-s are ok with this story, but it NEVER stops being a great relief to hear it again. They are not very smooth, and when I compare them to some otehrs I have read in this site, I shudder...

As I read your review I couldnt help but think back at when I wrote it, because I was tinking the same thing about Remus - not because of the romance thing, because that hadnt even crossed my mind yet, which could be the reason of your reluctance over it - but because I wasnt sure of the strength of his motives. I went with the obvious - the fact that he hadnt seen her do anything, so he was unwilling to bee judje jury and executor. Really, the romance part is only shown in the last chapter, thant why I never worried about creating a very solid ground for it. But now that you mention it, it would be good to go over that part one more time and strengthen his reasons with more logic.

Thank you again.


 Report Review

Review #14, by Liisarr Changeling

13th April 2010:
I really like how you made a girl feel so much hatred, as before we really know who is narrating it could be assumed that the main character is male due to their spiteful and compassionless thoughts.

How you introduce Dorcas' name and house "while all the students in the class, except for the Slytherins, were staring at me” was quite clever and that line answered some of the questions I'd brought up while reading.

It is slightly hard to relate to her at this stage, but I'm guessing she'll start changing as the story progresses. You characterised her well in this chapter and I like that you got some of the plot flowing so early on instead of having a dull chapter with lots of background.

Also, I love that she has a weak spot for Remus and you've shown that already which begins to explain some of her hatred.

A great start!

Author's Response: You know, you are the first to pick up on the Remus thing so early! :D And here i was, thinking that I had been so very subdued about it all. The only thing I was sure about when writing this was the ending, so I guess everything else just spinned as it would, without much direction from me at all.

What made me totally love this review was what you said about the fact that the narrator could be both male and female! I just felt so much pride at having been able to do that. Thank you. The whole time writing this piece, I wanted the reader to draw their own conclusions as they read this, not shove things down their throats - thats why I have tried to unfold this the way it would play in the characters head. It ran the risk of being confusing, but I had to take it.

Thank you very much for the lovely review.


 Report Review

Review #15, by Capella Black Broken Ballerina

10th April 2010:
OK. That. Was. Brilliant! I definitely did not see the Remus and Dorcas thing happening. I figured it was be Sirius. However, on reading your working of it, I'm deeply glad that you did choose Remus, as it fits better with who she's become, and what she needs.


The ending left me sad, but in a "Gladiator" kind of way - where you know that it was the only ending possible, and so you accept the beauty of it rather than being angry at the loss. Really good ending, in case you missed the subtext!

Thanks for getting me to read this - it has really opened up new ideas for me, and was highly enjoyable. Great work!

Author's Response: You know, I loved your reviews and greatly apritiate every word, but the best thing about them was noticing how you slowly got into this story and ended up liking it. It was amazing! Im glad that I got you by surprise at the Remus thing. Originally, it would have been Sirius, but as I wrote her, it seemed so natural that she would be with Remus instead. I knew the ending before I even started this, it was with that scene in mind that i wrote teh whole story. Its funny how the imagination works sometimes.
Thank you thankyou very much for everything. Im glad that I requested your reviews as wel.


 Report Review

Review #16, by Capella Black Marked...in a different way

10th April 2010:
Nice cliff-hanger! As I'm getting more in to this story, I've stopped noticing any minor issues, and am just focussed on how compelling the characters are.

This story has taken a while to get going, as there was a lot of scene setting that needed to be done. However, I'm deeply grateful that you requested a review, because I am now somewhat hooked! There are still a number of spelling and grammar issues though, which could do with being beta-d.

I really like Sirius' character, and Dorcas is suddenly growing on me too - she's very complex, but as the mysteries are unlocked, she's becoming increasingly relatable.

Overall, these last few chapters have been excellent, so I'm off to read more...

Author's Response: I've stopped noticing any minor issues, and am just focussed on how compelling the characters are. - - that means more than I can say, because it means that youre slowly starting to like what you are reading and thats great to hear.
Glad you still like the characterisation and that Dorcas is starting to unravel.


 Report Review

Review #17, by Capella Black Cracked mask

10th April 2010:
CB again.

Loving the characterisation of Sirius - he really fits with my view of him as both caring and cynical; harsh yet sensitive. So yeah, nicely done.

Also adored your description of Dorcas' sister - very vivid yet simple, which makes it all the more poignant. Was wryly amused by the line "perfect anomaly: the lack of the ability to have a thought of her own" - a perfect description!

However, at points I felt that Dorcas' own inner musings were a touch melodramatic. This might have been on purpose, to show us that internally she is a melodramatic person, but given her earlier musings about melodrama, it seems a little OOC.

Also, there are a lot a spelling and grammar mistakes in this chapter, which really detract from the otherwise compelling prose. Could you get someone to give it a once over? Some I tripped on were idle/aisle, preferable/preferably, and for the first time since Sirius had known/Since the first time Sirius had met. They're not a big deal, but they can make a reader lose track, and so they lessen the impact of a great paragraph.

The switching POVs are wonderful, by the way, and really help to pull the reader in, so congrats on them!

Off to read more...

Author's Response: Aw, thanks, its a mangificent compliment the one about Sirius. I always stress myself a lot when I write Canon Characters, because I really want to do them right, not just in my way, but as close as I can get to what JK wanted them to be. And her sister was very fun to write. I just had to think of what would make a person useless to themselves (from my pov of course)

It hit me prety hard that about Dorcas being melodramatic, I had never noticed it, and I must thank you for pointing it out. I dont yet know how, but Im goig to try to change it. No, she isnt supposed to be melodramatic, she is supposed to be suffering and in a lot of pain - so Im going to work to bring that out.

Im really sorry that the spelling was so distracting. If you would llok at the reviews for this piece, youd see thats a pattern. Apparently I have so many of them that on beta cont get them all :(
Glad you liked the switching of pov though.


 Report Review

Review #18, by Capella Black The unfeeling

10th April 2010:
OK, CB here, with my two cents on the story so far...

I'm generally really liking the canon characters. They seem in character given the effects that all the tension would be having on them, and yes, the tension is definitely coming through. Sometimes their dialogue seems a touch stilted, but I think that's more due to the grammar (for example, the last sentence doesn't need the second comma, and some of the ... would be better replaced by commas or semi-colons IMO). Otherwise, I'm liking them, particularly when shown through Dorcas' eyes - you really get a sense both of their characters, and her world-view. Personally, I find these kinds of things hard to write, so I think yours is really impressive.

As for Dorcas, I'm going to need more time to work out how in-character she is, as so far she's being a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma. However, I do want to keep reading and discovering more about her, so it seems to be a good thing!

One other tiny thing; by relations, do you mean relationships, because this has been confusing me all the way through. Might just be me not getting it, but I think it would make more sense that way.

Overall, really intrigued by this, so off to read more!

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for being here so fast! About that dialogue thing with all the commas, three-pointers etc, I think I was trying too hard to give the sencence a specific inflation, and I forgot that the readers do that themselves. I have been told that before by the way, just never got around to editing this story - hence the grammar mistakes. Some of those are typos, because i wrote this story really fast, and also, english isnt my first language, so there you go.

I know that at the begining her being so misterious can be irritating, but I just didnt know how to write her differently. Im glad that this particular thing didnt push you away from the story.

By relations I always meant connections: A logical or natural association between two or more things - people; relevance of one to another; connection. It could be taken as relationships of course, I dont think it changes anything in the long run.


 Report Review

Review #19, by . Broken Ballerina

30th November 2009:
I really liked it! I was really surprised that this was the last chapter, perhaps I missed something / didn't read your author notes?
Anyhow, it was a fantastic story and if ever you wanted to expand it and write more about Dorcas' life in school after she found out about the mark/seal thing, I'd love to read it! However, it did make sense to end it here, kinda cuts out all the unnecessary teen drama and random fillers.
Anyways, great story and I hope you keep writing, because you're great!

Author's Response: No, you didnt miss anything. I know its a bit abrupt as an ending. I'm have thought about writing more, but i really dont wanna spoil it, you know. I hate fillers, and this story - in which I have tried my hadtest for it to rapresent the main character as a whole - has no place for things like that. But If I come up with something really good, Ill definitely post it

Thank you very much for the review. I loved it and Im happy that you enjoyed the story so much.


 Report Review

Review #20, by liliesandroses Broken Ballerina

30th November 2009:
ok i am really confused. first you have it as the one persons point of view. then you completely change it to someone else's at the end chapters. so if you could explain how you went from finding the dark mark to the hospital to the end i would be happier. thanks. i really like the beginning chapters though.

Author's Response: I'm sorry that the way this story is written confused you. See, the storyline is not linear, sometimes I skip some days and only write the important moments that mean something important for the character. But, it is however all from Dorcas's POV.

She found out about the Dark Mark, she went into a kind of shock, her mother was called by the school and when Dorcas's mom arives at the nursery, Dorcas confronts her. Her mother tells her everything (I only wrote the part when Dorcas is venting out her anger and kinda digesting the new info - it seemed apropriate to cut to the core, something I thought Dorcas would do, and i wanted the style to rapresent her more than the words themselves)

After the scene at the hospital, I skipped through all Dorcas's teenage years and wrote about the last months before she died, something about the war as she saw it. To tell you the truth, I dont know why I skiped so many years... It just came to me that way...

Anyway, I hope the story is a bit more understandable now. Im happy that you liked the first chapters though! And I really apriciate that you asked me about what you were unclear about.


 Report Review

Review #21, by LilyFlower_x Broken Ballerina

30th November 2009:
:) it was good
im glad you stretched this story abit more
it was really good

Author's Response: Thank you very much, Im thrilled that you liked it. Actually, the changes i made were not that big, but since in the reviews I've been told that chapters were too long, I broke them in 2, and made a few very small changes here and there.
Thanks for the review again!


 Report Review

Review #22, by spam_up_sam Broken Ballerina

30th November 2009:
I wish there was more, but this last chapter was written beautifully.
So reflective and emotive, a few points i actually had tears in my eyes because what she was saying about Remus and the end of her life and others was so well put
It was a fantastic story, and I really hope you keep writing
Your take on Dorcas was really refreshing and eye opening, I'd never considered her like this before.
So yeah, I think the ending fitted the story and the style perfectly.
The relationship with Remus was a little undeveloped but then again, I felt it really fitted
Great story, really enjoyed reading
spam_up_sam

Author's Response: Hello, its great to hear from you again. I hope this time my spelling and the typos werent as bad as the last (I have a beta now and she is brilliant)
Anyway, thank you very much for the compliments. When I read that you wanted more of this story, I was seriously flatered! I'm glad that it was able to reach to you emotionally. Knowing that this story was able to do that for you has seriously no comparison, so I thank you again for saying that.
Also, I'm glad that you liked my take on Dorcas's character and teh way the story ended. I do feel likei should develop some things more, but I guess I'll do that when I feel as good as when I did when I wrote the story itself. (I was thinking about writing more about Dorcas's between school and real life)

Anyway, Thank you for reviewing, and even more for reading. Im happy that you thought it was worth your time.


 Report Review

Review #23, by imma-begging-you Truth shall set you free

24th November 2009:
update update update!
it's killing me here!

Author's Response: :D
The last chapter is in the que. It should be out in a couple of days... Thank you for the funny, spirited review!


 Report Review

Review #24, by Taylor Truth shall set you free

19th November 2009:
okay this story is really good but have you posted it before or on another website? because i know i've read it all before!

Author's Response: Thanks, its good to know that you are enjoyinng it.

This is the first site i have posted this story. After i created an account at fanfiction(dot)com, I posted it there too, for a while, but then i deleted it.
Maybe you have read it there. Or maybe you have red it before i started editing it (in this site) - the chapters were really long (there were four of them in total, for the same amount of words that the story has now) so I started cutting them in 2. Anyway, this is the cronology of this story, hope it answered your question.


 Report Review

Review #25, by . Truth shall set you free

7th November 2009:
so so so so good! really well written. i love it!
update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you very much! :D
I'm glad you enjoy the story. I will update as soon as the que allows it! (chapter is already finished)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>