I loved this chapter, and the whole idea, I love overprotective brother stories!! Your English isn't bad at all!!! Please update as soon as the queue opens!!! 10/10!!! Report Review
Hi, this was a brilliant fanfiction.
i loved the way everyone remained in character htrough out the chapter, and you spelling and grammar was great too.
The plot was very interesting
Ps. Would you mind reviewing my fanfiction, it's called 'invading thoughts' i could just do with some constructive critisism, thanks:) Report Review
Wow, this is a really great story idea. However, it falls a little flat with the execution (no offense -- it's probably because you're writing in a language you probably rarely use). I know when I had Spanish class last year, and had to write things in Spanish, it was really quite difficult. It might be easier to write it originally in German and then translate it -- I don't know.
If you need a beta for English mistakes (I know nothing about German, sorry), just say so. I can help, and I know it must be really hard trying to learn English as a second language.
It's a bit clustered, and awfully short. Most chapters average about 1,000 words (I know, when you're just starting out, it seems tough, but you'll get there). Try more detail and add more dialogue, but please separate the quotes a bit more. It's a little confusing and at times I wasn't quite sure who was talking.
On a lighter note: I don't usually read the character list by the story, so I rather stupidly went into it assuming it was Lily Evans -- Lily Potter's grandmother, so when she said her name was Lily Potter to the boy, I was like what? lol Report Review
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