This is a great story. Please update soon! Report Review
Dude this is such an awesome story! I really don't like alliteration so when I saw the title I was like this had better be worth my time. so I had pretty high expectations and you didn't disappoint me! This is seriously super interesting! I can really connect with Norah because she's a lot like me. I also really like the present tense. I usually don't like books written in present tense, but for this story it works really well! 10/10 because I love this! Report Review
i hope the next chapters come out quickly! i really like the first 4! but they were kind of short though. Report Review
i like the 2 chapters so far but could they possibly be longer? but i still think it deserves a 10/10! Report Review
Hi! Sorry for the late review, life kicked in this week and it’s been super hectic!
Anyway, I think I generally like the start of this. I think you have fresh take on an overdone plot. I like Norah, she seems like a strong character with an iron will. She’ll be a good match for Sirius if you’re careful in the coming chapters from keeping her from becoming cliché or mary sue. This type of character has definitely been done before, but it can be used in different and effective ways. Perhaps, find the characteristics that make her unique and play off those. So far though, she does seem like a living and breathing character so good job with that. You did mention she was shy at one point, this sort of surprised me since her tone of voice and the way she narrates the story seems to be anything but that. Make sure that what she thinks she is and what she is are consistent.
I really liked the interaction between Sirius and Co at the very beginning. You did a lovely job at portraying their friendship and I felt like it was real. Their conversation flowed naturally and didn't seem forced at all. I can definitely imagine them taking the mick out of each other. Where is Peter though? I thought he may show up as well. I liked that she seemed to be friends with James already, which really played well with me. I liked your Remus too, even though he wasn't in it much, the fact that he was there laughing and mucking about was really lovely. Many people just characterize him as this book lover who disapproves of everything James and Sirius say or do. He was only slightly more level-headed than those two so great job with him so far.
I was a little confused with the beginning; I guess I just couldn't really imagine it in my head, why was she standing up with her juice and why was Sirius standing so close behind her that she hit his belt buckle with her goblet?
Be careful with Sirius. I like the arrogance and the haughty attitude and I think that characterization was really nicely done. My biggest concern was with the Greta thing and her dating him and then him cheating on her. That whole situation doesn’t seem to bode well together. Would Sirius actually cheat on someone? Is he such a playboy? Just be careful with this upcoming relationship and having Norah be the one that changes him completely and suddenly he doesn’t cheat. If you characterizing him that way (playboy cheater type), be sure that it's consistent. If he changes, explain it and defend it. Don’t just think that your one character will suddenly change him; his change will need to be explained. If you can do that, it will make your story a lot fresher and more alive and unique. Most people just think that if a cheater meets the right woman he'll suddenly become better, this rarely happens in real life. Don’t take this harshly, this is just some suggestions and I mean them in the best possible way.
You have a lovely tone of voice with writing though, it is so refreshing to read. You are a very good story teller and it's super easy to imagine what’s going on in your story. Great job with that I think you have potential to create a really lovely story. Good luck! Report Review
This was an interesting chapter and an enjoyable read. You have a knack for writing witty banter that really came through here. You also effectively captured the James/Lily tension in a small dose.
That was a nice touch bringing the Slytherin crowd into it, which puts things into the larger perspective of the overall storyline. You've set things up well so far, and I'm looking forward to see what epic pranks they pull.
Keep writing! Report Review
Back for Chapter 3!
That was definetely an interesting encounter between Norah and James. I wonder what was actually going on between james and Dorcas there. It's an interesting twist that she made the team without Sirius knowing the full story.
It was interesting how you set up the Hogwarts weekend and Marlene's plan, there is definetely a lot of potential for mayhem. This chapter went by really fast, but i'm sure you needed it to set up the next chapters. Report Review
DUN-DUN-DUN! Fourth review! xD
Hmm, I was right about this chapter--It was a nice change of scenery from the usual bickering. I liked the transition from a cheerful breakfast full of light banter to a Slytherin duel... It reminds us readers that despite the good times, we still are in the midst of a raging war, here.
Hopefully these reviews were helpful, and feel free to re-request once the next chapter's up! ^^
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
Hi! Back for the third review. :)
I think that this was a nice continuation of the previous chapter, though rather short. I like how James put her on her toes about whether she made in onto the team or not, that was a nice touch and really put the reader on edge. (Nice piece of revenge there for Sirius, too--I wonder what else he has planned?)
Like I said before, this chapter seemed a bit short and filler-ish, but I guess that means that the next chapter will have some more in store. I wonder what Marly is going to do... xD
~Chocolate_Frog Report Review
I like this story! Update soon please! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks, glad you like it! :) Report Review
Back again for Chapter 2!
You did a very good job with characterization in this chapter. Norah in particular seems like a very real personality that is easy for the reader to relate to. I also like that you had Peter make an appearance, way too many stories leave him out entirely.
You made good use of humor in this chapter, and the story is generally very amusing and easy to read. It has a nice flow as well.
My only criticism would be to remember that the story is set in the 1970's and keep that in mind when making pop culture references.
Great job, feel free to re-request for the next chapters if you want.Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback - definitely reassuring to know that the humour aspect is coming through! I'll keep the date in mind; easy to forget ;) Thanks! Report Review
I'm here from the forums with your review!
First of all I think you did a good job with Norah's characterization. She is a very sympathetic character and has a real personality.
Sirius seems like the typical Sirius as a playboy. It's been done a lot, but obviously you can still reuse it in new and effective ways.
You did a good job at grabbing the reader's attention right away, and I'm curious to see if Norah makes the team and what Sirius does to get back at her.Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback - good to know the characterization is coming across well :) Report Review
Back for the second review! :)
I thought this chapter was a good continuation of the first, but boy, you're really keeping everyone in suspense here with whether or not she'd made the team, aren't you? I liked how in this chapter Greta was shown with a little more depth than just your average girly-girl, with some sense and scheming-ness. However, I still think that her character falls a bit flat compared to, say, Norah, who has this totally awesome vibe going on, so maybe you should fix that. :D
Hope these reviews were helpful, and feel free to re-request for the next two chapters! :)
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thanks for the concrit; I'll definitely keep that in mind about Greta's character and try to keep fleshing it out a bit more! :) Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog with your rquested review. :)
I think you have a great start to your story so far. Norah seems like a really interesting, spunky OC, someone you definetely don't want to mess with. I'm really interested in seeing what happens and if she'll make the team or not. ^^
Just as a sidenote, though, I think Sirius would have reacted a bit more, though, since he /is/ the arrogant, popular Marauder. maybe planning a prank or some other form of retaliation?
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thanks for the feedback! True, true - in keeping with Sirius' characterization, perhaps it would make sense if he was a bit more reactive. He will be getting some revenge in coming chapters though :) Report Review
Okay first off I really like the way you wrote the story. Although, don't you think the plot is kinda...paced too fast? Or is just me? but I don't mind them, I just notice them ;)
The characterisation was really great but it as usual typical Sirius Black. But don't you think he should be planning some naughty mischievous prank on Nora for the pumpkin juice? I mean...he is s marauder after all...
I don't see Peter Pettigrew here? Or maybe your going to put him in the later chapters...Ah well, just don't for get him , okay? :)
Overall, great effort and great story 9/10,
CloakAuror9Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! & yep, Peter appears in later chapters :) Report Review
Great chapter!! XD
I know you haven't posted in a while, but if you can please continue!! I can't wait to see what's going to happen next!!Author's Response: Thanks - & yep, 4th chapter has just been put up :) Report Review
This chapter worked really well in present tense. The other chapter were good but this one seemed to flow even better.
I found the chapter a little short and felt there could be a little more detail put in, mainly in the scene back in the dormitory. We haven't heard much about the other girls in her years so I would expand the section out a little to give a bit more history about their friendship and a little more individual personality to each of the girls.
The conversation at the end was really intriguing and I'm sure Marly is plotting something. You've done a good job so far. Report Review
That was a great ending. Hehe...provocative pants.
The conversation between Greta and Norah was quite cool. It flowed well and the dialogue sounded quite authentic for that sort of situation. It really set Sirius up as a big git though and I'm not too keen on him. I'm all for the girls getting some revenge. Norah remained really strong here and totally in character from how she was established in Chapter 1.
I did not though that you used the movie "John tucker Must Die". This movie was not around in the 70's when this story would be set. I guess it depends how canon you are wanting to be with the time line.
Overall though, the chapter again flowed well and was set at a nice pace. Grammar was pretty good also. Well done Report Review
Hi ravenclaw_princess here for your review.
This chapter was very humourous in places and I was laughing quite a lot, especially when Norah through the quaffle back at Sirius.
The characterisation of Norah was very strong and well executed. She is a girl I wouldn't want to mess with. You have established her very well with a strong personality. She looks like a really fun character.
The story flowed well and the pace was nice. There was a good mix of action, drama and internal thoughts of norah. There were a few minor grammatical errors but nothing that detracted from the story. The dialogue was believable and written well too,
All in all, great start. I really enjoyed it. Report Review
This chapter ended to soon, I wanted it to go on! A BIG improvement from the last one. This one showed a good sense of comraderie that really seemed genuine. Good job. Report Review
Okay, you have some issues here. First, yoga? In the seventies? Back then it was usually just hippies who did that. Lip gloss too. Gloss didn't start getting popular until the eighties. You've got to try and tailor your references more toward the seventies. Her relationship with James is weird since Sirius didn't even know her name. Just a bit strange. Also, I don't think kids from other House were inside the Gryffindor Common Room. But the chapter flowed nicely and moved the plot along at a decent pace. If I could make a suggestion? Try to give the Greta character more of a personality than "girly-girl". I feel like she's getting the short end of the stick in more ways than one. It just feels like there a huge character quality imbalance between her and Norah. Like Norah's this great character, but Greta feels more like an archetype. And that's kind of disappointing because you've proved yourself capable of making great characters. Report Review
I think its good so far. But I'm kind of confused on her being friends with Lily and all of them..since they weren't really mentioned before. Also, I kind of find it hard to believe that one day shes all shy then the next shes deciding to stick up for herself and yelling at Sirius. I think it would be more realistic if something led up to that, like maybe she was having a bad day and just took it out on him. But overall, I like it. Report Review
Excellent characterization. Good show-don't-tell form and excellent work getting the plot going.
The only problem is that last sentence. I was loving it up until I read that last bit and went "AH!" Other than that, an almost perfect chapter. Report Review
I legit wish I hadn't read this story.
I mean it's practically a crime to leave me hanging there. Sigh.
Now I'm just going to wonder what happened and I wont know.
Anyway...on the off chance that you check reviews still,well, I loved it. I think you write rather brilliantly and I'm (obviously) hooked after the second chapter.
I hope maybe, you'll see this and be like "Hell yes. I have inspiration ! Chapter dedicated to jesstierney."
Hah. I know I'm funny. But I'm still going to favorite this on the off chance that you'll update :)Author's Response: Yep, still check reviews :) Thank you - glad you like it! Just been very, very busy lately, but hopefully I'll come back to this sometime (perhaps in a couple of weeks :) Report Review
Oh I love this story:D
Its really good. I actually prefer it to A Summer Thing.
Not to be offensive or anything! :O
I hope you continue to write both stories!
MPAuthor's Response: Haha, not offensive at all - glad to know there's been improvement :) Thanks! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection