Hello there, confusedlover! I'm here with the review you requested. :) I'm going to address your concerns first, so here goes...
Plot: It was most definitely unique. Thank you for taking on such a minor character and bringing her to life. Most of the plot was fueled by character development, which was actually rather refreshing. The bit about the bees nest was unexpected and eye-catching after you had set up such a calm atmosphere for Ariana... but then again, your constant reminders that she was alone and that no one was looking for her had cast a dark shadow over the scene. All in all, a good set up, and an interesting, unique plot.
Flow: Your flow, too, worked in your favor. You used a lot of long, flowing sentences that aided to the initial calm of the outdoors, and then you picked up the pace a bit when the action started. I caught a few sentences that might have been run-ons, but all in all, you did well in this aspect.
Your overall pacing, however, is where you struggled a bit, in my opinion. You spent a lot of time developing her character and her life, and then when the action came, I felt as though it was cut off a bit. The balance was uneven, and it didn't feel right as I was reading it. Also, because you didn't spend much time describing the action, I was a bit confused as to what was going on.
Overall, this was an interesting piece. And what an ending! Poor Ariana. That's certainly not something a six-year-old should have to go through. An 8/10 for you, and feel free to come back to my thread to request again for any of your stories.
GinaAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. i am very glad to hear how much you enjoyed this. thanks for taking time to review this for me. Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your review ^^
I really want to compliment you on your descriptions. They are amazing. I don't know much about the Dumbledore family, so I can't really comment on how you've put them down, but I certainly like the Ariana you have described. The way she loves to be outside of the house, to be free, it's kind of cute. I also liked the way she says 'I am already six'. It's so typical that she thinks she's already grown up, while she is only six years old (':
The story flows nicely, although the end of the chapter goes a lot more quickly than the rest of the chapter, but that's not bad. It keeps things exciting. Well done!
10/10Author's Response: thank you very much. i am so pleased to hear that you enjoyed this. i was worried about how i did with Ariana but i am very happy to see that you liked what i made. she was a fairly easy character to write for being so young and i am glad that you thought she was well written. thanks a bunch! Report Review
This story is so original! I've never read a story from Ariana(sp?) Dumbledore's POV.
Once again, you did an excelent job describing everything. I could really picture the setting while I was reading, and I could understand exactly what Ariana was thinking. Your descriptions were so vivid!
I think I like this story even better than 'Hold Your Heart Close,' though it was hard to decide. No criticism! Great job=)Author's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. i am honored that you love my work so much. you truly made my day with this review. thanks again. Report Review
Hey! It's CrazyForYou from the forums, but I'm unable to log in, so here's your review :)
First, let me congratulate you on a beautiful banner. It's really well done.
About your story:
Well, I really like the event you chose to tackle. I think it definitely has a lot of potential to be both a huge turning point in the lives of Albus, Alberforth and the rest of the Dumbledores, but also to be a key even in the relationship between muggles and wizards, at least in the area of Mould-on-the-Wold. But I think you did something that I hadn't really thought about, and portrayed this traumatizing event from the eyes of the girl who experienced it.
I like the emphasis on the stillness and the purple daisies. Because it helps add contrast to the action that starts at her scream.
I was confused at the part where she talks about having powers. I'm not really sure what she did.
I also had a really hard time seeing the boys as evil. I wasn't sure what caused them to gang up on her. She's six years old, playing in a field, tips over a bee hive, screams, boys come running, and then they attack her. It seemed to me like there was something missing.
Other than that, great job and really interesting perspective to choose to write from.
8/10Author's Response: thank you very much for the lovely review. what happened was Ariana was performing magic when the beehive tipped over and therefore startled the Muggles below on the hill. if you read her bio on lexicon it says it all. anyways, i am very glad that you liked this. it was for a challenge to write about Ariana and i really enjoyed writing this first chapter. thanks again. Report Review
Hey, LonelyStar here with the review you requested :) And sorry for not getting to review this sooner, but my internet connection went on me.
Your characterisation in this was really good of Arianna. And you wrote her well as a six year old, which I'm really impressed by since I'm terrible at writing young children in my fics. I was also impressed by pace, this wasn't very long, yet you managed to drag it out without making this seem boring, so well done :) And grammar and spelling was good too. And I enjoyed the plot in this, and how you wrote Arianna's emotions in this, which must have been hard to capture since she's young.
Please feel free to request another review of me if you want :)Author's Response: thank you very much for the lovely review. i am really glad to hear that you liked this so much. i will definitely request for another review when i get the next chapter up. thanks again. Report Review
a lot better than i expected it to be, that's for sure! ^.^
the beginning was quite...cute? i guess that's the only word
that would really fit. it seems like you took your time with
this one. you described everything a lot differently than in
the ron / lavendar one. i'm very impressed. i don't have much
critique for now, maybe i will as the chapters progress.
the only advice i have is to keep writing like so, chunky
paragraphs, descriptive and lengthy sentences, and a
widened use of vocabulary. it's very appealing and i know
i'm not the only one who thought so.
10 / 10 ! Author's Response: thank you very much for the lovely review. i am very proud of my work on this and to hear that it was enjoyable again is very exciting. i will be sure to let you know when i get the next chapter up. i actually wrote this before the Ron/Lavender story but it goes to show that as authors we all have our strong points and our week ones. thanks again. Report Review
Hello! Your review, as requested :)
This was simply amazing. You've capture the character of Ariana perfectly - she acted, reacted and though just as any six year old would. I'm a big fan of stories on under appreciated characters, so this was a really great read for me - espeically because everything flows so well. My tired brain thanks you.
I don't have any criticism for this. It was really well written and the ended was awesome - a great clincher ^_^
DaniAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. i am very pleased to know that you liked this so much. i will be sure to let you know when the next chapter is up if you wish. thanks. Report Review
Hey! It's Honey here with your review! (Finally, sorry, I've had limited access to the internet recently.)
Well, as you probably know, I absolutely love reading your stories, and this one was not an exception.
I love that you chose to write about Ariana Dumbledore, she's such an underused character, in my opinion. You've written her really well, too. I love seeing inside her head and what she's thinking instead of how she was presented in the book-simply a static character.
The way you've ended it was quite a shock as well and made me wish that it wasn't over! :) I wanted to know what happened and why and see those men get punished, you know!
I must say, however, there were a few grammar errors, especially towards the beginning. You might want to give this a scan to catch them.
Great, great job! You never disappoint.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i am so very pleased to hear that you liked this! i will check up on the errors a bit and see what i can do. they slip past you so easily, you know? thanks again. Report Review
Hey there! Tink from the forums with your review. Sorry it took me so long to review, but I was on vacation (as you know) for two weeks and I stayed an extra day at my grandmother's, so yea. I'm here now, so I'm going to stop rambling and get on with it! :p
I've always wondered what happened to Ariana. Jo never really revealed that and I'm glad that we kinda get a sense of what happened in fiction.
The way you write is simply amazing! Your descriptions are incredible! How do you do it? lol I have absolutely no criticsm for you m'dear! You have done a fantastic job with this story! :) Well done!
I'm interested to find out what happened to her after the men attacked, so feel free to request again with your next installment! ;)
*AliciaAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the amazing review. i cannot thank you enough for taking time away from your life simply to take a look at one of my stories. i am very pleased to hear that you liked this, not only because it is a joy to recieve positive feedback but also because i would never intentionally want to force a reader to review a story that they did not enjoy. thank you so much for the review. i will definitely let you know when i get the next chapter posted. Report Review
Ooh, I'm looking forward to reading this story. =) It's a pity that more people don't write about this, JK gave us so much interesting material to work off of during the last book about the Dumbledore family that there are tons of interesting stories waiting to be told.
I like your writing style and description, even though it is a bit extensive for a six-year-old. The daisies and curiosity over the bee's nest were very cute and sweet though, definitely something I could see a young girl being interested in.
Good job so far and I look forward to reading the rest. =)Author's Response: thank you so much! i am very happy to hear that you are interested in this era. i have been wanting to write something about these guys for quite some time and finally found the time to do it. i love unpopular characters and so this was home for me. thanks again for the lovely review. i hope to hear from you again. Report Review
Wow, this is amazing. Damn (hope I'm allowed to use that word in a review box haha.)you're amazing at writing. Stop being sooo good. RIGHT NOW. Cut it out! Only kidding. This was amazing. It was so different than anything else i've read. I love how origional your workis. You know how to make it your own. WORK IT! (i'm hyper and running on little sleep i apologise!) great workAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i am very pleased to know that you liked this so much and find your use of foul language inspiring. thank you. Report Review
Hi, here with your requested review :)
First, I just have to say that you write so beautifully. Seriously, it's just amazing, and really wonderful to read.
I've never read anything about Ariana before, but as far as I can tell you wrote her really well and I liked your characterisation of her. She came across as suitably sweet and innocent, though as everyone else has said, her vocabulary was a bit too sophisticated. Writing children is just awful, though - I know I can't do it - so you can be forgiven for that ;)
Anyway, I really enjoyed it and I hope you update soon!Author's Response: thank you so very much. i am glad that you found this beautiful and a pleasure. i am still debating whether or not to switch this to third person. i did not even phase me that first person would not go well with a six year old. silly me. thank you so much for the wonderful review. i cannot thank you enough for taking time out of your day to read and review this story. Report Review
Your stories don't seem to like me haha, does something weird with the log-in.
I thought this was a good story, really well written, fantastic actually. That's kind of the problem though for me. With the first-person narrative, this complexity of thought is just beyond six year-olds. At least in my experience. Obviously that would just be an insanely huge change, but I do think this could work really well in third-person.
I thought it was quite powerful the way you didn't actually describe what happened to Ariana, either how they attacked her, or how her abilities manifested. A real case of less is more.
Just one last thing. Just in all the story info you mentioned Romance and a pairing? I just couldn't see one in this at all. Anyway, really good story, I enjoyed it.Author's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review. i understand completely about the first-person issue; i am actually considering converting it to third-person, but i do not know whether i will find the time to do that. as for the romance and the pairing, that is to come later on in this story. in case you did not notice, this is a short story and therefore i plan to have a few more chapters to tell this story before it comes to a close. thank you so much for the review. i appreciate it so much. as for the log-in issue, i guess my stories do hold a grudge against you. i just have no idea why seeing as you are such a great reviewer! Report Review
Well if that wasn't a sad, depressing story. Of course I knew that it would be, but still. I think it was an excellent example of character development. Arianna seems to have a rather advanced vocabulary for a six year old. This might have been a better story to tell in third person so that you could convey information that a six year old would not be able to understand or pick up on. All in all though wonderful job! I think that you wrote a very accurate portrayal of what Arianna's life might have been like before her attack.Author's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i was sort of hesitant about writing this in first-person seeing as i do not have the vocabulary of a six year old but once i started writing it just seemed right, you know? i understand completely where you are coming from. thank you so much for the review. Report Review
Hello love!! :]
I just want to start off by saying that the flow of your story is absolutely amazing, and very easy to read. The story is very classic and original.
Ariana's character is very interesting. She has that intelligent, calm personality vibe that Albus had. Its very welcoming and very interesting to read.
You really have done an amazing job thus far and I cant wait for the next chapter, this was a great introductory chapter!
-ChanelAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review! i am so glad to hear that you liked this so much. i was trying something different with this and it makes me proud to know that i can at least please a few people. i will let you know when i get the next chapter posted. i do not know how long that will be but seeing as this one was posted less than a week ago, i am not too worried. thanks again. Report Review
This is really great, I love your description, your flow and your character. She sounds very carefree and I think you've created your own Ariana. She seems a very solid character- my only bad point would be that she seems very articulate for a little girl of only 6. Other than that, you wrote this very well and you're welcome to request some more!Author's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i am very pleased to see that you enjoyed this. Ariana does seem very articulate but i guess that that will just have to remain so. thank you so very much for your time. Report Review
Wow. This is spectacular!
I love how you've written her character... how she's so curious and innocent. The way you have her describe the rest of the family... the attraction she has to nature... absolutely beautiful.
I really like the way that you tied in the accident too... everything melds together so nicely and really makes a lot of sense to what we already know.
I also find it wonderful that you wrote this in the first person... I think it fits so much better than third person would.
"I closed my light eyes as a swift gust of wind blew across the hill and originated tears, resulting in them to gather at the raised tilt of my eyes. I loved sitting up here as the works of life went about their daily duties around me. The wind, the rain, the purple daisies…nothing got to me more powerfully than nature itself. But try to tell your mother that." -- I really adore this paragraph... it's so... picturesque, and yet it's completely plausible. I had such a clear picture in my mind as I read it.
Fantastic job! I'd definitely like to hear when you've added more! :]
-JillAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. i am so glad to hear that you liked this. i worked hard to try and get Ariana's character just right and i am glad that you found it appealing. i will definitely let you know when i get the next chapter up. thanks again. Report Review
I'm loving this story already! Keep it upAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the wonderful review. you can expect more soon. Report Review
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