>“She didn’t ban them until after he animated all the suits of armor to ‘rally an army for the defence of the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth.’”
Yeah, that's the best thing ever.
Pretty glad I took the time out of working to read this, really. I really love the narratorial voice you use sometimes especially... It's funny and gives the whole thing a sort of fairy-tale aura (more in the first chapter, though) and it gets the information across without being boring-expositiony. Hopefully you'll use more of it in the revamp? *puppy eyes*
The only thing I could think of that could be a problem would be that some of the OCs names aren't very eighties-Britain, but that's just a nitpick.
Argh. I wish I'd realised you weren't working on this one, and then I'd have reviewed OMoM. Oh, well, I promise I'll do that once term's over :)Author's Response: Hee hee! Yeah, that's basically why I used that line. A LOT of my inspiration is from "The List of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" that me and my friends compiled last year over break. (We're currently in the 570s. :P ) Fun times, and funnier quotes.
And who can resist puppy eyes? Of COURSE I'll be using the narrator-voice in the revamp. :)
And names... Names hate me. And I hate them. I'm gonna go find a random name generator, and just plug in whatever I get to a search engine. That oughta solve my problem.
And I'll be looking for that review! :P Report Review
I like this story - it's well written and I'm quite interested to know what happens next. I do think it needs to move a little bit faster though - but there are some really clever moments, like the narrator's aside comments, and I love the thing about Sirius persuading the Ravenclaws that it's a sequel to Hogwarts: A HistoryAuthor's Response: Thank you for the lovely comment! Yes, the plot does need to be moved along a bit... I think that's why I've got problems with chapter 10 (which probably won't be posted for a while, because I just can't get it to agree with me).
I'm glad you like the narrator's comments! And the sequel to "Hogwarts: a History" is from the "List of Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts". I thought it was funny, and I liked how it had to do with LOTR, so I put it in there. :) Besides, don't you think Sirius would do something like that? Report Review
Very interesting beginning it really draws the readers in. It's interesting starting a story with two OC's because no one knows anything about them but because of that your characters need to be intriguing and likeable. With that said I think both of them are they just need a bit more depth to them so readers feel connected right away.Author's Response: Depth. Right. *scurries off to find the notebook with all the character charts she stuffed somewhere and can't find right now*
I'm glad you like it! *goes off to request more reviews from you* :)
Thanks so much! Report Review
Lol. Here you go Granny. What is Piper going to say to Celia? The chapter was great. I can't wait for more!!Author's Response: Oh, yay! I'm glad you liked it! I'm gonna post some more as soon as the queue re-opens, but I might wait a bit on this story. I've got another story I need to post for the "I'm in Slytherin (And I'm Not Evil!)" Challenge. You might enjoy that one, too: it's about Andromeda Black. :)
(Yes, I am blatantly, unabashedly advertising another story in this review thread. What can I say? I think it's going to be pretty good. (duh. Otherwise, I wouldn't post it, would I?)) :D Report Review
No! I refuse to review!!!
...Author's Response: *news anchor voice*"...In other news, an HPFF user who went by the name 'Spiffy Griffy' was killed in an unfortunate accident with an angry, bloodthirsty piranha."
;) Hope you liked the chapter, though, even if you won't review! :D Report Review
Oh wow. What is Sirius going to say? Poor Celia. A month's worth of detention? Wow. The chapter was great. I can't wait for more!!Author's Response: Thank you! Yeah, a month's worth. I know a girl who got suspended for cussing in the cafeteria of our school, so just going off of my experience (and what I know of McGonagall), I thought the consequences of cussing in the Great Hall oughta be big.
More's on it's way! Chapter Nine is in validation! Report Review
once again, this was a lovely chapter to read. you certainly have a nice, simple pace for this, as well as an easy to read and understand style. i like that. some writers tend to overdo things with description and that does get a bit annoying after awhile but you are definitely not overdoing anything at all. i think there lies your problem. i would try to focus on adding more description in this, you know, making it a bit more fun to read. i would also suggest that you try to evolve your characters a bit more. i understand that this is only the second chapter and everything but you really should be already taking a jump on who your characters are but as of now, you haven't. if i were you, i would try and focus on those things as you continue to write.
the other thing that i believe that you are not working enough on is the length. short chapters are nice and all but so far your chapters are just blank and hardly eventful and that is not the way to go. you need to work on combining more events into each individual chapter. this chapter and the previous one could have easily been combined and so i think that that is another point that could use work.
other than those few things, i have absolutely no complaints. your flow is working very well for this story as of now and your style is nice as well. keep up the amazing work. feel free to request again on my thread anytime.Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, I tried to keep the pace pretty simple. High school can be a drag, especially for the new girl (as I know from personal experience).
Thanks for the tips on description and character evolvement (evolvment? Or is it even a word?). I actually wrote some descriptions up on their personalities and backstories and stuff while I was on vacation, but that was after I'd written six chapters. Guess I better go back and look at it! :)
Thanks again! Report Review
i thought that this was a wonderful first chapter. you certainly have a nice, simple plot going for yourself right now but i can definitely tell that things can only get better from here. i liked that you made this first chapter as short as you did. i mean, sure, i would like to see it be at least 1000 but i think that you ended it in the perfect spot. i would try to find something constructive to say but honestly, i don't think that there is much, if anything. this is only the first chapter and i always find it hard to notice something wrong when the story is just in its early stages. it doesn't seem right, you know?
overall, i thought that this was a lovely first chapter. keep the plotline close to your heart and you should have no problems writing the rest. nice job.
onto the second chapter. Report Review
before i start on how much i enjoyed this chapter etc (because i did) can i just say 1 thing: that little rant about the British was actually pretty offensive. i don't know if that's just the character's opinion or yours, but we don't say bloody all the time and 'actual' football is only that in america.
so in case you hadn't guessed, i wasn't too impressed with that bit, but apart from that this was a really good chapter. i thought the thing with sirius was really funny and i think Piper is a really good character with her stir-y ways!
so sorry i had a bit of a go at you but i hope you aren't really offended or anything because it wasn't a dig at your writing, just letting you know what i thought.
=]Author's Response: Yeah. I really felt bad when I wrote that, but Celia... Well, look at it from her point of view. She's been uprooted from Virgina, USA to Hogwarts, UK. No one EVER says "bloody" here unless they're imitating a Brit, and, to be honest, it took me three years of reading British novels (which I actually really like) to figure out that when they said "football", they weren't talking men in Spandex and shoulder pads. :sheepish grin:
I've actually been considering rewriting that sequence, just because it seems a little out of character for who Celia is, but nothing's coming. So it's staying as is till Celia can tell me how to rewrite that bit.
Thanks for the input! Report Review
Oh no. Poor Celia. Poor Remus. He had to face Sirius's rath alone. Well with a little of Peter's help. The chapter was great. I can't wait for more!! Report Review
hah, sirius is so obsessed with poor celia.
great chapter! i loved itAuthor's Response: Thank you! More on the way! Report Review
Lol. The ending was great. The chapter was awesome. I can't wait for more!! Report Review
Hi there. I really like your writing style - you are a natural and I hope we will see more of your stories in the future. I also think that your narration is great and it is not an easy thing to pull off. You sound as though you have a great personality and it is reflected through your writing.
There are a few things I am not too keen on though. (This is constructive criticism and is no way meant to offend). I do not believe that Hogwarts is the kind of school which would permit its students to have piercings and/or dyed hair etc (no private schools in England would). And the other thing is that I find it rather out of place that the students would listen to bands like Iron Maiden etc. Why not give your students wizard bands to listen to and make up some hard rock sounding names for them?
I have absolutely no qualms with your writing style, though - it is fabulous.
Congratulations!Author's Response: No worries. I\\\'m in Theatre at my school, and we Theatre freaks THRIVE on constructive criticism. Sometimes I wish I\\\'d get more of it here. :)
About the hair dye/piercings: I go to a private school where we can dye our hair in \\\'natural\\\' colors, and we can get as many ear piercings as we want/can fit on our ears. However, I know people who have gotten other piercings and hidden them on school grounds. (I know this would be a problem for boarding school. :D) I think my next chapter oughta explain everything in more detail. :)
And yes, I\\\'m planning on introducing some wizarding hard rock bands. :) Just haven\\\'t had the chance as of yet. Celia just doesn\\\'t know a lot of British wizarding bands yet, so she won\\\'t recognize the names. Report Review
i really like the way this is turning out, i love celia's character, even if she is super pissy :) Report Review
i cant wait to see how this turns out!
by the way, your little 'narrator' comments are very funny.Author's Response: Thank you! I kinda planned them that way. Just a way of getting more info across without being too boring. :) Report Review
wow. i really like your writing style.
im going to read the next chapter and be quiet now.
but expect more reviews from me :)Author's Response: Don't worry, I will! :) I'm glad you like how I write-- not everyone does. Report Review
i like this,
update soon :)Author's Response: Will do! :) Glad you like it! Report Review
Wow. So does Jazz like Celia? The chapter was awesome. I can't wait for more!! Report Review
The mystery behind why Jazz is concerned about Celia, the homesick feeling of Celia, and all the students are raging about how strange this new girl is- I am infatuated with it all. Report Review
This story is a two thumbs up so far! Report Review
*looks around for Jaws* Lol. Poor Celia. Will she ever tell Jazz why she isn't speaking with him? The chapter was great. I can't wait for more!! Report Review
. Well damn. Tigger, this is good and you STOPPED?! What's wrong with you?? Te loca! Anyways, XD Sirius. That's hilarious. :) Report Review
Jeesh, I should've known when I read 1977 that it included the four creators of the Marauder's (sp? And shut up about it, it's like 12:15 a.m. right now and I should be studying for FINALS right now but I'm overloaded on algebra at the mo. :( sad, I know.) Map. It's so like you Tigger Report Review
. -cracks up- Drunk, Tigger? Genius. Ooh... LOVE the name Jazz!! ;) Report Review
Poor Jazz. The chapter was awesome. I can't wait for more!! Report Review
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