I must say, I do really love this Remus/OC story, I never read them but it's nice for a little change.
I didn't get the ending of it, who was talking/thinking? She says the same things all over again, I know it's probably just her character, but you could just change it around as it gets slightly repetitive, [ie "as thick as thieves"]
You skip to past and present tense a few times in this chapter.
I still enjoyed it! If you must know since reading chapter one yesterday I just kept thinking about it, which I think says something because I usually forge everything I read lol
Keep writing!Author's Response: thank you love :D
yeah her character is a bit repetitive...but ill admit i was too lazy with the part thick as thieves i didnt feel like thinking something else up hehe
im glad that you didnt forget it!! thanks for all your lovely reviews Report Review
hey, back again!
Okay, so the first thing in this chapter was somebody talking, you might want to describe him a bit more, who he was? where he was standing? because we don't have a clue who he is. I know it's obvious a little bit on in the story, but straight after he speaks describe him, because he's just a faceless character to me.
When she fell, you might want to reword that part, just because it you didn't describe her falling but dragged it out so it kind of went in slow motion and at a part I wasn't even sure she was falling anymore.
You slightly went a bit overboard when she was trying to control her laughter, about the can-can and mad-woman, might want to tone it down a bit.
Also, you shouldn't start sentences with conjunctions ['and and 'but' etc] it's grammatically incorrect.
The part with all the dialogue didn't seem to sit right, I didn't have a clue what it was or who was talking, I understood when I read a bit further, might want to tell us who's talking at each of them or something to make it easier to picture and understand better.
It would of been nice to read a bit more of what they did together on their day. But I like the little friendship they're starting to have with one another, it's so sweet.Author's Response: yeah i tend to be a little bit too...confusing
and the falling bit i need to redo as with the laughing part. she's supposed to be a bit quirky though.
im awful at grammar D:
thanks for your advice ! Report Review
So so sorry it took so long to get around to you.
The start of it was a bit much, not that it's a bad thing- but it's too much for a start of a story, or you could write so it as confusing because I wanted to read ahead to see who was talking and what he was talking about, this is just my opinion, you don't have to take it.
I liked the scene of Liaden painting, you didn't rush and it was done really well- it drew me into the story and what was going on...great job with it!
Just one thing that could help, when they're talking, some times it sound unreal, like they say too much too quick. Like, just going to give you an example. So instead of-
"I didn't know you lived here - how are you - how has your summer been so far?" he asked politely, but unable to keep the curiosity from creeping into his tone.
It would be...
"I didn't know you lived here," he pouted his lips and looked around at his surroundings "How are you?" he asked, his brow crinkling against the sunlight,"How has your summer been go far?"
Other than that, it's really good- a bit on the short side, but still I enjoyed reading it =] on to the next chapters.Author's Response: don't worry about the time :D
yeah i was sort of going for the mysterious bit in the beginning so much as the reader doesn't quite know who's talking and such but i will probably look over it because i dont want it to be too confusing.
as for the dialogue..well i have been trying very hard with it and i will definitely look over it
thank you :) Report Review
Hello! Soliloquy here, leaving a review! :) Firstly, I LOVE REMUS LUPIN/OC STORIES. WHY AREN'T THERE MORE? Anyways, moving onto the review, hehe.
I really enjoyed the description, even though at points, it was a little much - I just really liked the images that formed in my head when I read them. The dialogue, also, is rather nice. I hear it in my head and it's very natural - I love when writers take natural dialogue into account! :D I absolutely love the way you've written the OC too, she's REALLY interesting. I just, love Remus - so, I'm sure if you just had written him as James or somebody...I'd still love him ;) (I'm not biased at all..haha) The only problems I found, were, as you mentioned in the second chapter: spacing. Have you tried going to 'simple editor' instead of using the fancy one? I prefer the simple one to the new one, honestly :P, because I'm super OCD about spacing.
The spacing doesn't take away from the story though, and I'm extremely curious to see what's going to happen. It's an excellent beginning and you've caught my attention! ;)
I hope that you've found this helpful!Author's Response: thank you so much for the lovely review!!
i agree that sometimes the description is too much..i'm going to go back at some point and just sort of sift through everything and decide what is essential and what isnt.
i really like to hear that the description is natural, cause that's one of my biggest pet peeves
and i'm a remus lover too... i just can't get enough of him :D and im glad you like liadan i've been trying for a long time to make an interesting oc
and as for the spacing...it's a bit mucked up still..im rather a dunce when it comes to it.. i've never tried simple editor before though but i'll definitely c heck it out!
thanks so much for your help! Report Review
ahh yay jessie your story was validated!!11
so of course i had to read it over haha
soosoo good keep writing Author's Response: christine!!! i mean brendan! LOL
ilu and ya finally heheheheheh thanks ilu Report Review
Sections with Remus really really please me. they're awesomely written.
In the third part it was a bit cnfusing at the beginning as to who was saying what. Overall, I really liked how the sent their time together. Swings! So great. :)Author's Response: thank you thank you thank you
to hear compliments on my remus really makes me happy...i rather love him so i try very hard to get him right
and i've been thinking about titling the viewpoint but i haven't decided yet. glad to know you liked it.
jessie Report Review
i loved that little bit of Remus' insight into the events of meeting Liadan. It was very well-written and the way you went about it was believable and all that, as for his emotions. The fact that Remus was afraid of a relationship was perfectly explained here and still not overdone like it happens in some fics, so I hope it stays like that.
I'm interested about Liadan. i liked the parts where you described the way she was painting. On the other hand, sometimes the prose, especially in description, was overflowing and too much. You use too much unnecessary complicated adjectives. It would flow better if you combined it with some simpler words from time to time, because then you get repetition. I found the word calculating a few times and some others too.
Other than that, a really nice start.I hope it'llpick up pace soon. :)Author's Response: oh thank you for making me smile :)
i've been trying hard to make remus seem believable and realistic but not overdo it. i've seen it overdone in too many stories.
and i know that i sometimes go a bit overboard with the descriptions hehe.. i have to work on it. i get lazy too and re use descriptive words too much. thanks for advice.. i will definitely take it into consideration.. i just started chapter 4 :D Report Review
OMG JESSIE I DIDNT EVEN REVIEW THIS?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
BUT YA THIS STORY IS TOTAL AWESOMESAUCE AND IM TALKING TO U ON MSN RIGHT NOW LOL BUT IM REALLY HYPER CAUSE I JUST DRANK 3 CANS OF COKE
THIS STORY IS TOTAL WIN OK! BUT REMUS IS MINE JUST SO U KNOW
DREAM ON GURLFRIEND
% christineAuthor's Response: LOLOLOLOL christine ilu
remus is mine.dont even think about it u poopface
luv jessie Report Review
The first couple paragraphs drew me in, and if that weren't enough, the last line of the first part of the story had me nailed. I can't help but wonder why your character thinks the way she does. I wonder what happened, exactly, to make her think that way.
I like how Remus is potrayed. It really must have been complicated for him to keep his secret and not be capable of having much of a relationship with anyone.
You have a wonderful power of discription when it comes to what your characters are doing, maybe you should put that to use elsewhere, like, discribe Remus entering the building. It's basically, right now, as though Remus just came out of thin air.
Good job nonetheless! :]
AlexAuthor's Response: oh i love you so much for responding so quickly!1 squeals.
i really tried to make the first couple of paragraphs powerful... they are kind of a prologue sort of but ya dont want to give too much away.
i get really worried about remus but if you think its good then thanks :D
ya i didnt put all that much description about remus D:
anyhow thanks a bunch for reading and reviewing and especially so quickly!!
jessie Report Review
Heya, first review!
I like the description of the photograph of the girl, it was really pretty. As I read the begining scene with Remus, i thought: "Where did the plan to avoid her go, Lupin?" :P
Anyway, the description of their time toghether was good. You could have had them do more stuff toghether though, maybe give a bit of more information about each-other, something like that.
There seem to be something spetial about the way you write... I cant really put my finger on it, maybe its the words or the way you form the sentences, I dont know, but i like it a lot! :D
I was wondering, who is Annie. She sounds like a stepmother-to-be, but i could be wrong...
Anyway, nice chapter, I enjoyed it.Author's Response: oh i love you i love you i love you!1 you just made my day :DDD
ya im kind of playing with an internal battle with remus... but so far he is giving in
the next chapter i have a lot more planned in terms of dialogue and interaction.. but this chapter i thought less said worked better.
oh and you'll learn about annie in the next chapter. i almost just spilled everything right here but then i remembered that i shouldnt do that. heh you'll just have to wait for the next chapter. which i already started!!!
okay so thats just something unusual for me. anyhow i will make sure its finished by the end of the queue reopening so you can have it asap
enough of my rambling
and thank you very much (:
jessie Report Review
Hi! Finally got to come up for air from school, so I decided to pry into your authors page a little.
I like the way this is written. Liadan sounds like someone really sophisticated and proper from the way she thinks. This feel arises espetially from the introducing paragraphs. Even though the way she seems to think in that particular part doesnt sound much like a teen, it would be way too early to judje on that, since the story hasnt begun yet :) I cant wait to read more of her, she sounds interesting.
I espetially like the way she is so opinionated of heartbroken girls and how thinks she is above that, when from the way you wrote it, it sounds like she is just scared of the pain she might suffer. And teh hint that she actually is gong to suffer it, is very compelling.
I want to read the further characterisation of Remus too, I have a rather soft spot for him:P The very subtle hints about their history together are very enjoyable and paints a nice, not too detailed but not too messy picture either. Perfect to spark the curiosity for their relationship and its developing.
Id like to see how he tries to stay away from her and some akward situations that might arise if she notices :P Lol, it would be fun to see Remus squirm.
In all a good introducing chapter, my curiosity is awakened, and I suppose that was the point.Author's Response: hiya there, and thanks very much :)
yes i've been intending liadan to be a little unusual... quirky i suppose would be a better word. she is pretty mature for her age and the preface basically spells out her opinion on silly girls falling in love.
my next chapter is actually in the queue now.. and should most likely be up within a day or two. there is a lot more of remus... but at the same time he will be developed more in later chapters.
and again, thanks very much :)
ill probably be popping back to your page soon 'cause i'm itching for some new reading material.
jessie Report Review
UR STORY CAME OUT, OMGZ.DJKXLJXLK
ur not online cause its like 10:48 and ur probably at school
but i read this over and i just lurv it 10xx more
imjus chillnyng hur
BYEMY LUFV Author's Response: CHRISTINE I LUV U MORE!!1 LOOK AT UR STORY I REVIEWED IT!!1
`jessie Report Review
Beautifully written x =]Author's Response: thank you (: getting feedback really means a lot to me.
and keep an eye out for an edit on this chapter, i just realized there are three lines of dialogue missing.
hopefully the second chapter will be up by next week :)
`jessie Report Review
I think you are an amazing author! Keep it up!
I will definitely check back when the next chapter is posted :)
SGAuthor's Response: thanks love
keep an eye out for reposting of that chapter.. i just realized that there are three lines of dialogue missing.
must have accidentally erased it when i was playing with the spacing.
anyhow i'm working on the second chapter right now, and im hoping to have it sent into the queue by the end of this week!
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