Hey, Leslie from TGS here to review as requested, albeit late. I'm terrible sorry for the lateness of this review... I've just been busier than I thought I would be this summer. But nonetheless, I'm reviewing it now ;)
I quite liked the descriptions that you used in this chapter, and the dialogue was mysterious and nicely written. It makes me curious to read more. There's definitely potential in this story to turn out great, and it's very well-written. Great job. Report Review
Hey Alicia, here to review. Sorry it's taken so long, things have been fairly insane lately, but I'm here now.
First just wanted to say, as this is a collab, you've done a fantastic job at keeping this tight. Would be interesting to here how you worked together as it is very consistent throughout.
The plot looks interesting. New Death Eaters rising, James and Kayla to the rescue type situation right? I hope so because that would be super cool.
Finding it a bit hard to know what to talk about to be honest, partly because I imagine the next few chapters will be very different from this one.
There were a couple of small mistakes I noticed. This: '"Yes, Mummy?" Mummy questioned, eyeing her mother with worry.' I think you probably meant 'Kayla questioned.'
The other thing I noticed was this phrase 'small but petite.' Small and petite are essentially synonymous :P
Apart from that though, no real concerns at all. I like how you wrote her naivety and how her mothers worry came through. Good first chapter, keep it up =] Report Review
I thought this was great! This is probably going to be a pretty short review, because my reviews end up being shorter if I really enjoy stories. I loved your description in this chapter. It's really difficult to do coming from the perspective of a kid, but I thought you did a pretty good job here, showing Kayla's naivity towards some situations, but getting that information out to the reader. I really loved the description of the butterfly in the beginning.. just the way you did it was so nice and beautiful. Kayla's a really interesting character, and I'm definitely going to keep reading to see where this story is going. I wonder how that confrontation with Mulciber and the other man is going to affect her and if her father's going to do anything about it. This story is great so far, and I'm sorry I don't have any critique to make.. I loved it! Report Review
In the second paragraph, and it said 'As he scooted the...' the 'as 'shouldn't be here. You only use 'as' when something happens, like 'As he scooted the tired girl, she moaned gently', does that make sense? This happens again when she is getting down from tapping on the window, 'as' shouldn't be here.
Oh wait, I'm confused about the weather, one minutes the sun is shining and then three minutes later, when she's finally in the kitchen the sun has gone and its lashing out.
"But she paid no mind"- this sounds weird to me, I have never heard this saying before, could it be 'paid no attention?'
I love the innocents that you give her, like when she sees Porthos and calls him bold for smoking a cigarette...awwe.
I don't know why, but I had to finish reading it! It would work as a stand alone one-shot- but I've just noticed its WIP!! I would love to read more whenever the two of you post it up. =] Report Review
Hey, it's Ilia from TGS here for the Review Exchange.
I think I remember seeing this idea in the Help Needed section a while ago, right? I must say I like the way it's turned out. =) Congratulations on co-writing this, too. I don't know if I could do that XD But really, I like the plot of this. It seems very interesting and I am in love with your title.
The only thing I wasn't completely feeling was the way the mother talked to her at the end. Particularly this line: "That, precious, is something you'll have to ask your Father." The insertion of 'precious' in the middle is something that sometimes works in writing, but it's almost never realistically used in real life. Just thought it was worth mentioning.
Great story! Keep writing! Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:. Report Review
Hey Alicia! It's Angela here with your review.
Okidoke, first off, I'd like to say that I am *in love* with this plot. (I read that topic you had about naming it, so I have an idea of where it's going ^_^) I also like how you've written this, not in a childlike way, but saying things like a child would. (Like: This man was a very, very bad man and she wanted to run away and escape. He was going to tell her mother that she'd gone somewhere she shouldn't; she was going to be in big, big trouble. --It's not as if a child wrote it, but it's how a child would think) It really makes the story believable and gives it authenticity, if you know what I mean. You're totally good on grammar/spelling, as far as I could see as well. :)
One thing that did draw my attention, however, is that there was the sudden appearence of someone named 'Prudence' towards the end. You never really introduced them that I could see, and I was kind of confused if it was another child, or a pet perhaps. I would suggest fixing that, it was confusing.
Other than that, you REALLY have a good story here, I looove it so far! Feel completely free to request more reviews when this has been updated! (or on any other story, for that matter ^_^)
~AngelaAuthor's Response: Angela, dear! I'm totally speechless! I don't know what to say! You made my day! And I totally get what you mean about what (Skylar wrote that part actually) was written.
Prudence. Yes, I've been told that! :p It's my mistake on that part, because we changed the name of the character and as I was changing it, I didn't catch all of the "Prue's and Prudence's". I've checked, double even tripple checked the chapter and I'm still not sure if I've caught them all! :p Once I get a banner and chapter image done for the story, I will update that so it doesn't have to go through the queue twice! :p
I'm sooo glad you like our story so well and I'll be sure to tell Skylar about the reviews we've recieved. Even though it's by asking; it's sad that when we thought it was going to be a great hit, that we have to ask for reviews! :(
I'm glad you enjoyed it so well! And we will most definately let you know when there is an update and if I do ever write more, I will definately remember to request!
Thanks bunches, hun!
*Alicia Report Review
Hello, dearies! Drue here!! Finally got around to reading!
And wow! It was so amazing! So captivating! It seems that you have an excellent plot forming, and I can't wait to see where it goes! It will be amazing!
No CC! Well done girls! Be sure to let me know when there's an update!
10/10Author's Response: Drue! *huggles*
Skylar doesn't get a chance to come on as often as I do, so I'll probably be answering most of the reviews (not totally sure). But no CC? Really? Are you sure? :p
And we will most definately let you know when there is another chapter, hun!
Thanks deary! ^_^
Alicia Report Review
Great start to the story, because already I'm dying to see how everything unfolds! I really liked how you mixed this scene of purity and innocence with the evil plotting between Mulciber and Porthos. Very creepy! Your descriptions of Kayla and her pursuit of the butterfly outside were excellent.
I have one suggestion as to the writing. I noticed that in a couple of places you use what almost seems to be the passive voice (although technically I don't think it is passive voice, but it's the best way I can describe it). For example, when you say, "As Kayla was nodding," it seems a little strange and might be better off as, "As Kayla nodded." Some other instances of that are: "sound of rain being dripped on the windowsill" and "crickets could be heard." Things like this, you could easily change to "the sound of rain dripping" and "she heard the sound of crickets." I think it might help the overall flow of the story -- although if you wrote it that way intentionally, it would be fine to leave it as it is, because all in all, the story is very well-written.
And bravo for doing such an excellent job co-writing! I know how hard it can be to co-write something, and it doesn't always work out...but keep going like this, and I'm sure I'll stick with this story to the end! 10/10Author's Response: Hey there!
Wow, thank you for a long and thoughtful review! :) We (Tink speaking) are a little nervous and excited to see what people think of our story, because as I said in the A/N, that it's our first time co-writing and to hear your comment like that, it puts a smile on my face! :)
As for the writing, I did have it beta'd, but I'm afraid that I put the wrong version up. I went and looked through it and there was one mistake I noticed myself, besides yours! :p so when I go to TDA and get a banner/chapter image made, I'll have to fix those! :) When we were writing this and getting ready to put it up, I wasn't sure where to put her part and my part together, but I'm glad they worked out so well! :)
Again, I'm smiling with excitement right now to recieve such a wonderful review from you! If Sylar hasn't seen this already, I will definately have to tell her to check it out!
I'm glad you liked it so much and I really hope that you stick with us! :)
xSkybellx Report Review
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