Great intro!! I like how you didn't stuff all her history into the very first chapter, but instead kept up the mystery with just little hints and the stuff about Lily.
I like her already and I can't wait for the rest!
One thing that bugged me though was that when you're using dialogue, you're supposed to have quotes, not just apostrophes. For example: "Hi" is correct. 'Hi' is incorrect. It was a bit distracting.
Update soon :) Report Review
This seems like a really nice start :) Report Review
I like the story, but the chapter starts randomly and ends randomly - the chapter gets absolutely nothing done! I don't know what the point in it was. Report Review
Well, that's odd. Who falls asleep on the pitch? Wasn't it snowing, the previous chapter? Wouldn't he have frozen to death, pretty much? And, it's a little confusing that you have Cee-Cee come along in the search for James, but when Lizzie finds him an hour later, Cee-Cee's gone. Perhaps you'd better insert her leaving somewhere :)
The talk Lizzie had with Fred was nice. I think it would be good to know for Cee-Cee that she's not the only scared one. On the other hand, it might freak her out. But we'll see, I suppose :) Report Review
Well you said I yourself, it's not your best chapter. I noticed a weird grammar mistake where it says 'with detention looming above our James..' I'm pretty sure you meant to put head there, just thought I should mention it. I liked the pick me up speech Elizabeth gave to CeeCee but I thought you could have made it much more touching and sentimental. But, nonetheless it was good:) update soon! Work on strenghtning your writing a bit, and thanks for the dedication:D Report Review
I'm guessing that Lily thinks that Lizzie fancies James? Seems that way. Guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on! haha! I don't even know why I said that... :) Report Review
james and lizzie make me laugh their so cool keep up the good writing can't wait 2 see what the pair get up 2 next xxx Report Review
Isn't Lizzie being a litte... hypocritical, I guess, when talking to Cee-Cee? When she says that everyone is jealous of the way Fred looks at her? I mean, doesn't James look at her the same way? :P And I'm glad that she managed to convince Cee-Cee just a little bit that she might be ready for this :) Hopefully Fred won't take it in a bad way...
I wonder what's wrong with Neville. Are they going to find out? It's pretty bad that Lizzie now has 4 detentions, all from one day! But I'm sure that she'll survive them with James by her side (well, mostly) ;) Report Review
I liked this chapter much better then the last :) I wonder what's happening... Update soon :) Report Review
James and Lizzie are cute together :) And I bet James can now shut her up anytime he wants!
It's quite sad that Cee-Cee doesn't think she's ready to become a mother; I hope that that will change soon. And where is Cecilia nowadays? Report Review
I really like your story but your writing is not too consistent. You'll write an amazing chapter and then the next will be kind if bleh. I was hoping to see more emotion and describing words. This chapter was kind of just hi, giggle, I had fun. Put more emotion in to it :) update soon! Report Review
Al is so cute! He's like the perfect little brother. :D Report Review
What the heck is a ladette? Anyways, I like this chapter and how Lily seems to know more than Lizzie does. :D Report Review
Such a cute intro. :) Report Review
this chapter was as cool as the last 1 and i'm sure the next 1 will be just as good cause u a really good writer xAuthor's Response: OMG!!! thats so sweet, thx. you totally just made my day!!! :D and I'll try get another chapter up real soon just for you!!! =b
xxx Report Review
Wow, that's quick, if Lizzie can eat and clean in 3 minutes. I know I could never pull that off... Poor Cee-Cee though, being kicked out by her parents? :( I'm glad she can stay at Fred's for now. And it's good to hear that Lizzie's mum is feeling better :)
That's kind of odd, that all those people seem to think that it was a game, the holding hands...
Hm, what could happen? Another fight between Lizzie and James, or between Fred and Cee-Cee... orrr more Cecilia. More about the past? Dunno :) Report Review
yes i've been waiting forever for this chapter and it was fantenstic can't wat 2 see wat happens nexts x Report Review
Well thank Merlin for Ben, then :) At least he took Lizzie's mind off everything for a bit. I hope their mother will be well soon...
And I'm glad Lizzie and James made up and talked and everything! Hopefully they won't have a huge fight again anytime soon. So now James is ready for a relationship? Because the last time we saw him, he wasn't, right? Well, I'm curious about how this is going to work out!
Hopefully you'll update soon! Report Review
Wait if it wasn't Cecelia than who was it? That's strangeee :S Report Review
Well that's interesting... did someone else want to destroy their friendship then, years ago? Why? (and of course, who?) And they could, of course, have tried to make amends, right? If they were once best friends? What about C.C. though, when did they become friends with her, then? Either way, it's a bizarre situation. Besides, first Cecilia wouldn't want to be friends anymore, and later she's dating James? That kind of strange too, I think.
Hope you'll update soon! Report Review
welll. lizzie is acting very bitchy. Report Review
Even though this chapter was not that long I really enjoyed it :) I really liked the James and elizabeh interaction at the end. I think it's so adorable that that is how they met. Yay for Fred and cee cee : D thank you for the dedication. :) update soon! Report Review
This story is very good!! The storyline is great and well just everything is pretty good. Can't wait for the next update!! Report Review
this is cool can't wait for the next chapter Report Review
that was quite good, but you maybe need to cut down on the 'anyway's:
'Anyway, ho-hum pigs bum. So anyway, she ran to the door and unlocked it quite fast, then ran and jumped up on me for a big hug.'
As a general rule, try not to use the word anywhere in your story - except maybe in speech!!!
there were a few places where it seemed a little awkwardly written - if you get what I mean... Like here:
'I grabbed three waffles and chucked them into the toaster. They heated up and I grabbed my stuff and let myself out. The waffles were warm in the cool morning breeze, and I ate them quickly. I walked slowly to the train station. Then pulled my ipod and wallet out of one of my bags. I pulled some money out of my wallet and gave it to the guy in the ticket booth. He handed me my ticket and change, and I walked off, tugging out the headphones and pushing them into my ears.'
It just seems to be one thing after another, with not much variation of sentence length/structure or verbs - it was just "simple sentence, simple sentence, simple sentence, compound sentence, simple sentence... etc." so maybe add more description and dialogue
Also, I mention the verbs, you used the verb 'pulled' twice, right after another, so maybe experiment with different verbs, or a thesaurus to give some more variation to the writing
Also, you could do with more description - what do the drunks look like? how are they acting? what do they smell like? (stale beer? sweat?) how do they make your character feel? (a little scared that they may do something? disgusted? annoyed?) what do their voices sound like??? And what about the old lady? what is she wearing? how old do you mean by old? (also, why is an old ladie with a young child on a train platform at about 2, maybe 2:30 am? Is that really realistic?)
I know that that is quite a lot to take in, but I'm just trying to help you with your writing by using all of your senses - it will improve your writing a great deal!!!
It definitely wasn't all bad though! Some parts were really great!!! I really loved the beginning, it seemed really real, you know? And the dialogue was really good, but you might want to add some more descriptions & action in between!!! Keep writing!!!Author's Response: lol, wow!! thanks!! that helps so much, I'l try take that all on board when I write the next chapter!! :D
so helpful! Report Review
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