Hi, there! Thanks so much for doing your part to help Gryffindor take the cup! Here is your review.
Wow. This was a starkly different vision of the final battle. One where you've changed up the surviving players in a big way and rolled the dice in a completely different direction from your average "what happened after Harry wondered whether Kreacher would bring him a sandwich" fic. I have to say that I am very intrigued to see where they land.
The idea of Ron as a villain was admittedly jarring at first, but the more I think about it, the easier it is to imagine how it could have happened. What if he never changed his mind after fleeing Harry and Hermione? What if Bill had chased him from Shell Cottage and he had chosen a different path? What if the bitterness and resentment, nurtured by the horcrux in Salazar Slytherin's locket, were simply too deep to be overcome? It all holds together in a scary sort of way. Far to easy to imagine.
But you killed Ginny! Augh, you killed Ginny! OK, in fairness, I can see why it was absolutely required for where this story appears to be heading. And it certainly imbued Ron's final act with complete believability.
And now Harry and Hermione are off into the big, bad world to hunt Death Eaters. It shouldn't be quite as horrible now that their dark master is deceased, but I have a feeling you're going to find a way to make it be. You're kind of evil, you know that? ;)
Two things that you might really want to think about when you go to edit this. First, as a matter of canon, the killed curse cannot be blocked with a shield charm. So when Harry moves to protect McGonagall, you might want to have Voldemort use a different spell. Second -- and I think this is much more serious -- you need to footnote the sections of dialog between Harry and Voldemort that came from Deathly Hallows, crediting the source. Otherwise, I think you have a ToS issue here.
Your writing was good in this. I thought the scene flowed nicely. I didn't see any typos or grammatical issues.
You have a very interesting premise going on. I feel like I want to read more, but since Jami just tricked me into agreeing do read and review who knows how many chapters, it might be a while before I make it back. Thanks again!Author's Response: Wow now that is some review. And I shall always do all I can to help us Lions over the line.
I am so syched that you enjoyed the modified battle, which really (as in the other fic I use a smiliar setting) was only there to setup the basis of the future chapters, and as a way to explain character appearences/absences in the rest of the story.
I have always seen Ron as having the potential to embrace that darker side we all have, and this fic has given me the chance to explore that, even if only a little, and (if you do read further at any stage) there is a little flashback that somewhat explains Rons actions here, but saying any more on that would be telling. I actually think one day i may run a spin off from this that tells Rons side of the story.
I am sorry, and for the purpose of the story, her death wasn't truly necessary, but it instantly solved any questions about why Harry left her behind, etc. So sorry Ginny but you have to go.
Yes, tracking down the Death Eaters. I always found it terribly unbelievable that jsut because Voldemort was gone all the Death Eaters would just stop being evil. Someone will always step up and take over. i can't believe it happened the first time like that. Surely someone like Bella or Lucius would have taken the reins quite happily. But like with many of these kinds of stories, the underlings can often be worse than their leaders, and without the firm guidance of said leader could cause some serious damage. I like being evil, it's much more fun to write.
I will definately look back over this whole chapter on those points and fix it up. I think this part was written in a bit of a rush to get to the stuff later on and wasn't quite given the full attention it deserved. And on the ToS issue, big thank you for pointing it out and I'll get that ironed out as soon as possible.
I hope that one day you do have the time to come back and see how things pan out from here. I got really stuc on this for a long time but have recently found a way out of the wall i wrote myself into and should be continuing on with it shortly. I am super glad you enjoyed it and hope I can continue to write to the level of praise you've given this chapter.
TyrannicFeenix Report Review
No, definitely not rushed. With regards to cliches, I think there are cliches in every bit of fanfiction. So don't worry about that!
I would have expected that Hermione's passing out would ring an alarm in Harry.
The first kiss was written in a very cute, tasteful, innocent way. And yes, it will change things. They're both too thick to have lived so long together without realizing things.
George's grande entree was funny. Too darn George'ish :D Seeing a trusted face would do the two good.Author's Response: I was so keen to get George in there, I think of all the family he would be the most likely to understand and keep their secret. He will also be able to help them in ways none of their other friends would. Report Review
So, my first question got answered. This is how Ron'd become what he'd become. That night during the hideout changed the life of all of them.
I'm positive you meant "hypothermia" instead of "hyperthermia". At least, you're most likely to get undercooled in cold rain that get overheated.
It was an electrifying moment between them and written very believably. Also, the following discussion of Hermione with herself was a nice element.
Good question. How long has she been loving him? I guess, for a long time. Maybe since first year.Author's Response: I was so glad I had a nice little place to put that explanation. I was worried about how to bring it up without it seeming forced.
Yes I was unsure of which one to use so I guessed. Sh. Don't tell anyone. I'll fix that up shortly.
That Hermione conversation was one of the fun things about this fic. They kind of just flow out of nowhere. Most of this story has written itself. Makes things so much easier.
Can't really comment on this part just yet. More info coming soon I promise. Report Review
The war, seemingly, hasn't ended yet. The two angels of revenge are rounding up the remaining Death Eaters.
I'm not quite certain as to why should the two, after having won the war, still be in hiding. After all, they are on the winning side. I guess it will make sense later.Author's Response: Yes the war still goes on, so much for cutting off the snakes head eh.
While what Harry and Hermione are doing is probably the right thing, they are technically vigilantes operating outside the law. Any member of the MoM that sees them is required to arrest them and bring them in. But more on that later. Report Review
Seems interesting. Hogwarts reopens after a year but not everybody's returning. Harry and Hermione are in hiding. Curious, why? Was it Dumble-blasted-dore sending them on a mission again? Guess I have to read on to find out.
Oh, but they are returning to Hogwarts. Only, this time unnoticed and possible even unwanted. Good, good. Some mystery's always welcome.Author's Response: Nope Dumbledore is not involved it's all Harry & Hermione. And lots of what they'll be doing will be unwanted. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Been meaning to read this for a good while now.
While the deaths of both Ron and Ginny are kind of unexpected, I understand that plotwise it was a good choice. I can even imagine Ron having joined the Dork Lord. He'd always had some hidden, and sometimes not-so-hidden- jealousy at Harry, which could just as well have pushed him into this direction. Ginny's death, however, was an unfortunate event.
I'd recommend to check your dialogue syntax
"It's not over you know." He said, his voice rough and choked.
"It's not over you know," he said, his voice rough and choked.
Quite an interesting beginning.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. Glad that you are enjoying it so far.
Ron does have a great dark side that is very easy to exploit for my purposes. Muhahaha.
Killing Ginny was different though, but saved a lot of explanations and arguments later down the track.
Thanks for the note on the writing. I like to go back over my stories every now and again and review things that I may have altered in a later chapter or need to be fixed but I don't always catch everything so it helps a lot to have readers give constructive reviews rather than just "Nice chapter" and then they move on. Report Review
Hehe... good... I'm really not liking the idea of waiting for the next installment though...
i think you've done a great job of not making it too rushed, but also having a slightly hurried tone... am i to assume there is a reason for that?
i love the visitor, i hope we see more of the old characters in one way or another later on down the track. you've really captured the characters as we would usually see them and i like this...
Author's Response: I'm sure you're patient enough to wait a little. It will be worth the wait, I can assure you.
Thanks for the review and I will get onto your stuff soon. Report Review
Very fun chapter. It's great that Fred found them. So who is Violet?Author's Response: Woot fun, that's what I'm going for. Everybody loves having fun.
Violet is the most senior assistant at WWW hence the reason George left her in charge, no more important (atm) then whoever left the note for Harry and Hermione.
We will be seeing lots more of George in the next few chapters as he works as Harry and Hermione's only true link to the real world.
I'm glad you're enjoying the story and I hope to have another few chapters ready soon. Thank you for the review. Report Review
I loved all the twists, and even though I would have prefered Harry and Hermione to stay with their family I can tell this will be a great story!Author's Response: Thank you for the review.
I think severing those ties as I did will allow them a lot more freedom as they move about on their 'mission'. But the family will feature more in the future. Report Review
Great story so far. I'm sorry I haven't reviewed any of the previous chapters but I just wanted to continue reading, so I did. Can't wait for the next chapter. ^^Author's Response: That's ok I'm glad you are enjoying the story. There will be a short wait on the next chapter as I need to sort a few things out on this story first before I can commence writing it. But as soon as it is ready I shall post it. Keep reading and reviewing. Report Review
Hi, I think this stories brilliant, I like how you intertwine romance with mystery and action without letting one overshadow the other. I really like how you've built up harry and hermiones relationship.Author's Response: Wow thanks for the great review.
I'm glad your enjoying it. Thanks for taking the time to review. This story is still a mystery to me so I can't wait to see where it ends up. Keep reading and reviewing. Report Review
so far the story has been really good. I'm not going to pretend i am th perfect author by critising your work and tellig you how one character actually acts differently, or that something wouldn's happen in the real Harry Potter universe. This is because i really don't care, i like your work for what it is and i hope the updates don't stop.Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you're enjoying but I really welcome any and ALL criticism especially anything you think I can improve. It's the best way to work out what needs fixing. Though all my fics are AU so comparisons to the Canon are tedious. I plan to have a new chapter ready and posted before the queue closes but it may be replaced by an update for BoaH. Thank you again for reading and even more for taking the time to review. Report Review
thank you! runs brilliantly! love how you've ended right where we don't want it to, but meh, I'm sure you'll bring the next part soon.
hurry up with the next one k? i want MORE!Author's Response: Looks like I made a good cliffie. Should I post the next chapter when I get home? Must admit I'm tempted.
Guess I could do it.
Ok you twisted my arm, I'll post something tonight, whether it's Last Kiss or chapter 5 of Eternal Conflict.
So look back tomorrow for more.
Good deal? Report Review
OK, so it took me a moment or three to work out where these event occur, but I have this feeling that the WHERE isn't important, it's the happenings that is.
good, keep going! methinks i'm gonna like the end of this one!Author's Response: Really? Awesome. Most people have been telling me they knew where they were going before I even posted it.
It is slightly important where they are, but more important is who they encounter. And the way they have changed enough to give no second thought to going down Knockturn Alley for purchasing items rather than following someone.
I was a little worried about this chapter because of how many times it moves around but everyone seems fairly pleased with it so I guess it must run pretty smoothly.
Thanks for the review Madame. It is much appreciated. Report Review
I'm glad you referenced the new Hogwarts, i like that staff and i hope you are able to give us more of what they're up to, if not in this story, maybe another?
where you've started with harry, it make us think the are actually together. it's a nice thought, especially when it feels like they've become almost domesticated. they're not talking much? just like home! :D
i love where it's heading, and I'm curious as to where this story will lead, keep it up!Author's Response: To be completely honest I don't know where this story is going. It comes out on its own. I'm just it's conduit to the real world.
I liked their home dynamic it shows that you can lead a perfectly normal(ish) life even after disaster occurs.
Again very nice review. Thanks for reading. Report Review
OK, great start, i liked the drama you added with the death of both Ron and Ginny. i look forward to reading the next chapter, and getting more... you've given me a hook, now i want more!Author's Response: Well being a Harmony story I thought it would be easiest if I just knocked both of their love interests off straight away. Get rid of all the red tape you know.
Thanks for the review and I love how original your username is. Report Review
Leaving us in the dark so to speak at the end, well i do hope you will be updating this in a timely manner!
dennisudAuthor's Response: Do not fear, all shall be revealed shortly. The next chapter is ready to go up, but I thought I would allow you all a few hours to stew over everything I gave you in this one before posting it. Report Review
Oh God you're evil! How can you leave me at this point! You better update really soon! I can't wait!Author's Response: Maybe, I think I'll hang off for a day or two, just to make sure you're all begging for the rest of the scene. Nah I'm not that evil. It will be up as soon as it is finished. Thanks for the review again. Report Review
Ok. I'm a little lost.what are they doing? Are they going to return to Hogwarts or not? I liked the scene with Kingsley and the whole situation with him wanting to find them but not being able to. Update soon!Author's Response: MUHAHAHAHA!!! Lol. Not for a while yet. There aren't any Death Eaters hiding at Hogwarts, yet. I'd b more concerned about their mystery informant.
Kingsley is such a great character and he will be really important to this story before the end.
Be ready, something major will be coming up in the next few chapters.
Thanks for reading and even more for reviewing. Report Review
Good chapter. I was wondering whether you're gonna make them go back to Hogwarts. Update soon!Author's Response: Well, you all seem pretty good at reading between the lines. How you all know where they are going??? Lol. Thank you for the review. I'm glad your enjoying the story. Keep reading. Report Review
No kissing, no hooking up...tsk tsk Heheheh Good chapterAuthor's Response: Not at this point. Maybe later though. You'll just have to wait and see. MUHAHAHA Report Review
I like how you started this out!Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. Working on the next chapter atm moment despite it being 2 in the morning so it should be finished and up in a few hours. Report Review
interesting. yet another quest.
why didn't they just have Kreacher get whatever it is they need from Hogwarts? Or take them there, for that matter? Just a thought.
Their relationship is defined, yet not. Looking forward to seeing how this progresses.
Don't worry, I know the feeling of a story dragging you along for the ride.Author's Response: The beginning of a long journey.
They can't send Kreacher because what they are searching for isn't in Hogwarts. And as happy as he is, Kreacher no longer likes to leave the house.
I am loving this story as much as all of you and can't wait to see where it takes me.
Thank you very much for the review and I will post chapter 3 as soon as I finish making the banner. Report Review
please continue!!! I ant to know what happens!!Author's Response: Just posted chapter two. It opens up some new questions while laying rest to others. Hopefully this will suffice until I can get you the next chapter. This was supposed to be longer but it felt right to post it as a shorter chapter. Keep reading and thank you for the review. Report Review
Good start.I hope you update soon.Author's Response: Thank you, glad you like it. Currently working on chapter 2. Keep reading and reviewing. Report Review
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