Just wanted to say thanks for being my very first favorite on Good Girl.. anyway thought I'd pop by and read one of yours. it was AMAZING. for reall beans. terrific. ahaha also, the banner for my good girl story was done by xlivexlovexdreamx at TDA and I forgot to credit her by accident and it won't let me go in and credit it. I feel terrible so I'm just letting you know.
update please. Report Review
wow that was great:)
except why is it a lucius/hermione? why did you put it into draco/hermione???
anyways i like it so plz update asap:) Report Review
Ah, I love this! I love your use of language and how you opened the story. I'll contine you to read! Report Review
Wow. It was just enough darkness to make this interesting. It is after all, set after the war. There needs to be a certain amount of darkness, and you've nailed it. I really like seeing this from the point of view of a Death Eater. It's rather interesting. Thank you for requesting it. Report Review
This is a pretty good idea.
I'm interested in seeing how exactly you're going to put Hermione and Lucius together.
This had good flow, and I like the plot, it is a little predictable though, you may have to work on that one.
All in all I give this a 9.
Good job!Author's Response: I am glad that you liked it. I have some major twist in this story, and I would love to hear what you think will happen. Thanks for the review~ Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested. Sorry for the extensive delay :]
Okay, I can tell from some posts on the forums that you are not very certain of this story. Well, I must tell you that this is absolutely awesome. I find the plot appealing, the flow excellent, and the characterizations intriguing. You have an awesome descriptive style that had me entranced the entire time. And don't worry about the story being 'dark', it's quite appealing as is.
Overall, this was great! I don't know how to tell you how much I enjoyed this chapter. I believe if you continue this story and continue to request reviews, this will become very popular :]
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Hey WeasleyTwins, thanks for comming to review, and you are not at all late. I am not certain of this story because it is very dark, but also very well planned, everything must go in order, and all the characters must be well written or my story simply will not work. I am so glad that you liked it. Knowing that people like you enjoy this kind of a story are a big help to authors like me. I have worked probably about a year on the plot and keep changing it so I am glad that everything is fitting together. Thank you so much for the great feedback it really helps a lot, and I now know that I can keep writing because people like it :) Thank you so much :) Thanks again for the review~ Report Review
Hi, it's Aiwe Saito from the forums, here for your reqested review.
I like it, but I'm having trouble with some of the vagueness that I'm getting here. Which order is this? The first one? And you have a talent for scene description, but when I don't exactly know who you're describing, it's hard for me to put the picture together, you know? Like, you're telling me about the Death Eaters, and then the black-haired boy, who I'm not sure is at Hogwarts or is a Death Eater, and then at the very end, although you get the picture of what happened, I think it would bring a lot more to the story if you were a little clearer as to who killed who.
I mean, I'm very familiar with the vague writing style (I get yelled at for it all the time), and I know why it's such a great tool to use, but here I feel like it's just either being used unintentionally or too heavily.
Other than that though. I think it's a pretty good story. You have a talent for description, and while there could be a little more dialogue, that's just my own preference. No grammar errors that I could remember, so overall, good job, just maybe keep what I said in mind.
♥-AiAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for stopping by to review. I understand that there are many many unanswered questions and this may sound crazy, but that is what I planned for there to be. This is actaully one of the hardest stories that I have ever written, and I am planning to make it the best one that I have ever written. I know that there will be millions of questions and a lot of confusion but hopefully by the end of the second chapter all questions will be answered. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and I am glad that you liked my description I work really hard on it. Thanks again for the review~ Report Review
All right, there is one thing about your story that is driving me crazy! I used to know the proper grammatical name for it (something about pronoun antecedents, I do believe), but here's what it is: You often use multiple pronouns in a sentence without clarifying exactly to whom you are referring. Take this sentence for example: "He knew that if he did decide to kill him he too would be laying at the far end to the row, dead as a doornail, and therefore he tried to calm the blood that was boiling uncomfortably in his body." You are obviously referring to at least two different people. Now, it doesn't bother me to read a sentence like this here and there, but to have many close together is very confusing. I was going cross-eyed trying to figure out who "he" was all the time. Another thing that got to me was the amount of long sentences you have. I found myself searching for a short one, especially toward the beginning.
Speaking of the beginning, I found it confusing. There was all this talk about "they," and it was difficult to be sure what was happening. I think you were trying too hard to be cryptic so that you could reveal your characters gradually. However, it just made me feel mixed up and frustrated. I would have preferred to have Lucius actually describing all the blood and stinking corpses and anxiety about a son and so forth. That would have made it seem more real and less abstract to me.
Ok, despite all the complaining, I didn't think your story was horrible. There were several things I liked. A lot of writers have written stories set in the aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts, but I've never read one that approaches it this way before. You actually brought up some excellent points. I loved how Blaise (I think it was him) asked if they didn't have a right to search among the dead for their loved ones. I'd never thought about that, but why shouldn't they have that right? And Lucius asking what he could be charged with, when his actions were similar to that of many of the Order during the battle was good too. (I won't get into previous activities or nasty torture during battle that he could be prosecuted for.) I also thought you conveyed the tension of the situation very well in your writing, particularly toward the end. I definitely see the potential for some intriguing events in the next chapter or two.
Now to address the questions you asked in your review request. Is the story too dark? It's difficult to say after only one chapter. The beginning was pretty gross (I have a low tolerance) with all the descriptions of blood and such, but this particular chapter wasn't overly dark. Is the plot too predicatable? Not at all! I am usually fairly good at predicting, but I'm at a loss here. Do I like the flow? Erm, I'd like it a lot better if you could use fewer pronouns and vary your sentence length a bit more. But the flow of events (after the cryptic beginning) seemed good to me.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review :) I really helped~ Report Review
This was definitely an awesome start to the story. It wasn't too dark at all. Actually, it was perfect given the situation. You were simply being true to the fact that this was following a battle where many had died. Besides, any story named "Vengeance" doesn't exactly scream rainbows and butterflies at me :D
You're descriptions were amazing and you definitely mastered how to leave a reader confused and begging for more at certain parts. So far the plot isn't predictable whatsoever. There were a few moments where I couldn't keep up with who was saying what at that given time, so I'd say to try and avoid that since it puts a damper on the flow of the chapter. Other than that there's nothing really to work on except a few problems with punctuation. I only really noticed it towards the beginning, though, and it was nothing that would take away from the reading. Just watch out for it in the future.
Overall, excellent job!
~Subroa Report Review
Wow! Terrific, if I do say so myself. I quite dig the idea of what happened on the other side and think you've done a marvelous job and described everything perfectly. I quite liked that you drew upon the fact of their loved ones lost, and everything they cared for lost - you never really feel for the Death Eaters I think in some ways JK does try to show it, but I loved reading this and thought it was excellent!
great job, from Laur!Author's Response: Wow that is so great to hear. Thank you so much for all the kind words about my story. It is great to hear that you liked it so much. I have always love the Death Eaters, they are amazing, and I worked really hard to capture some emotion for those that were lost during the battle. Thanks for the review~ Report Review
Hey! It's honeybabycakes1013 here from the HPFF forums with your requested review. :)
I'll start by answering the questions you gave me:
[Is my story too dark?]
I think that that depends on how dark your going for. Personally, I don't think that it is. It's not so dark that it's hard to read, but it's not exactly a happy unicorn prancing through meadows of daisies either, you get what I'm saying? I like the balance that you've got. It's got a good feel to it.
[Do you like the flow?]
Yes, I do, I thought it flowed really nicely. It was easy to read, in that respect. You didn't loose me once. It seemed to make sence, even though you've got that air of mystery.
[Is my plot predictable?]
No. I honestly don't see where the plot is going, and I say this in a good way, it keeps me interested, makes me want to read more.
Now onto the more technical stuff and my opinions :)
I think your beta is amazing because, as a beta myself, I am always looking for grammar/spelling errors, and I found none her! She did a nice job.
Overall, I think you've done a good prolouge-y chapter here. It introduces everything well and it's easy to read as well as holding that mysterious air. Nicely done! :)
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for stopping by to reivew. Thanks for answering my questions. I am glad that it isn't to dark. I often write my stories very dark and are sometimes hard to read. My flow and plot are going to change with the next chapter, but it is good to hear that for now they are good. I will let my beta know that she did a great job, she is really good. Thanks again for the amazing review~ Report Review
Hi there, I am here to review. I want to make two quick apologies before I jump right in to reviewing. The first is I apologize with the delay of this review I have been really busy with everythin in my life lately it has been super hectic. And secondly I am sorry if there are a ton of errors in my writing of this review I am on my friends iPod because I am too lazy to get up to my computer.
I thought that this was a superb opening. I will admit when I saw that this story was going to be a Hermione and Luscious story. I am not usually a fan of that pairing but I think this was interesting and well written. I loved your descriptions your writing styleis really goodand unique. You did an amazing job with your descriptions once again.
I don't think it is possible for this story to be too dark you convey the mood perfectly and you have a great flow so you shouldn't be worried. I am so curious to see what is going to happen next.
The one thing I can suggest is that you have some rather large paragraphs that can throw the reader off a bit because they are too lengthy. I think you could split them up a bit. To make them smaller an easy to read
Other than that I thought it was a spectacular opening
- rachel Report Review
Hello, my dear! I'm here with your review as requested! I'm sorry it took so long!
So, wow! This is a wonderful story! Truly. Unique and intriguing. You wrote it beautifully. I didn't come across any mistakes, so I applaud you there.
You really wrote this so captivatingly. I feel like I'm actually there, feeling and doing what they are. Wonderful. And I could fully understand everything for the characters. The horrible, throttling emotions.
Well done. Beautiful, my dear.
10/10Author's Response: It is quit fine, you didn't take long at all.
Wow.that reviewi just left me shocked. I never thought that anyone would look at my writing that way. Its so great to hear that you liked it and that you thought I have talent. :) I know that this is not the average story. Actually, it is far from it but you gave it a chance and I am glad that I could help you enjoy it. :) Thanks for the amazing review.~ Report Review
Hey there! Tink here with your request.
Wow. You had me totally shocked. I didn't think that Blaise would kill Lucius! :o
What can I say? Your descriptions are amazing. You did a brilliant job with the setting and how the person feels in the story.
I know I probably should say more, but you left me speechless! :)
Honestly I can't find anything wrong with it.
Great job! :)
10/10Author's Response: Hey Tink,
Thanks so much for stopping by to review, it really means a lot to me. Hmmm well I can't say if Blaise was the one who killed Lucius.but non the less someone tried to kill someone at the end. I love to write description and its great to hear that you liked it. Thanks again for reviewing.~ Report Review
hey there, this is your beta. you requested for a review on this story in my review thread. i will do what i can, although, some of it might be a bit difficult to answer because i went through the edits.
i really do not think that your story is too dark. it does, of course, have a few dark aspects to it but really, they are nothing to be hesitant about. in my opinion, no story has the ability to be too dark. you are safe there.
they flow compliments this story wonderfully. i did not notice any issues with aggression or rushing and that is always good to find. keep up with what you have done so far.
there is a sense of predictability in your story, but i really do not believe that it is anything to be ashamed of. halfway through the story, i guessed what would happen at the end but that is not an action that should cause you be hesitant about a particular story. i think that it helps the reader connect more with the writing and it keeps them wanting to find out whether or not their assumptions were correct. some predictability is good.
overall, i thought that you did a lovely job with this story. it turned out wonderfully. you set up your plot nicely and if you are able to fix the errors that i did on your own you will be able to work a bit more on your individual style. feel free to come to me for any other help in the future. keep on writing. Report Review
This was really good!
Amazing description etc =D
10/10 =)Author's Response: I am so glad that you liked it. :) Thanks so much for reviewing. ~ Report Review
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