I just thought I'd drop by and help out a new writer. You know, to be nice.
But there a lot of things that I would specifically like to point out here that do need a lot of work.
Firstly, the start of the story, the very first line in fact:
"LAINE! LAINE! LAINE! HELP US!" came the shrill cries of Adelle Canton and Mary Stopple as a mysterious someone in a black jumpsuit pulled a sack over them."
Dialogue is very very stressed. When writing dialogue, think about things people would actually SAY. Shouting a name over and over may seem like it builds up suspense but it actually just is repetitive especially if it's something said in unison. How about splitting it up so that it seems like it's two people talking? Maybe add some description?
Speaking of description also in the first line the "a mysterious someone" is about as descriptive as a "shady character" there's nothing that really says "ooh, interesting" it's a bit bland, honestly.
Maybe spice it up with a little...something more? Not just...that? Maybe that sounds fine to you though. But it's bland to the readers.
"a black jumpsuit pulled a sack over them" ...what? You're telling instead of showing. Instead of feeling fear, I've got a picture of some shady looking Santa who steals children.
Also the "roar in horror" part...I think you were trying to use different words for yell? Instead of roar how about things that are more...in girl-ish? It seems like...this possibly young girl has the voice of some grown man with "roar". Roar brings on like...lion visual and sound effects. Not the type of visual that a small girl would create. Balance that out.
You're word choice is very...iffy. Yes, you're using the words like "encompassing" but they don't sound right in the sentence. It's like you're picking sentences to use larger words in and it doesn't work out that way. Vocabulary comes naturally, it sounds like you're picking out certain words and using a thesaurus for them. Harsh sounding? Yes. But completely true. That's just how it sounds.
"Well, it had to be cold, because it was Winter, and the Hufflepuff Common Room was near the Kitchens, which were near the icy basement."
Way to much explanation. You had to right with just one part. There's no need to have all of this extra information, it's getting a bit chatty. In that same area "soil" is repeated way to much. Maybe use the thesaurus there? "soil" and "soil" eyes? Soil colored eyes honestly sounds horribly gross to me but that's just personally. Maybe dirt or ground or something to describe one not both. Plus, "soil brown" isn't even necessary. Soil is brown. We don't really need that reminder.
"cleaned her teeth", I believe "brushed" is the more natural term for them it sounds to.."I cleaned the floors" instead of "I brushed my teeth" but that's another personal preference there.
There are a lot of areas that certainly need description and just...overall tightening up of the story, I'm mid-way and I'm not exactly sure what emotion I need to be feeling at the moment, honestly. Is it fear for her? I wasn't frightened in the least bit by the 'scary part' I know that it's 12+ but maybe some more...emotion, something that will actually make it more interesting?
Mediocre is probably where this is at right now, for this line especially,
"Well," she thought, "Adelle and Mary have already gotten up and are waiting patiently for me in the Great Hall."
That's not a fluid thought. No one would think or say something like that. Really try working on you're dialogue. It's supposed to be natural. Not stressed and uptight and something that no one would ever say.
Some of the shorter sentences are out of place, I'm not sure if you're trying to build suspense but it ends up being a bit of a hassle really.
Even the dialogue at the end is very very stressed and just...over down/ over the top.
Maybe chill with the descriptions of people? There are more ways to describe a persons race than "Indian yellow" as you put it. Replace Indian with any other race of people and put the stereotypical color right behind that, see? Sounds offensive doesn't it? Maybe think about what you're trying to describe before just jumping into that. Also, there are many different skin tones to people and they shouldn't automatically be judged and characterized just by a stereotypical color. If you really wanted to go that way with it maybe have some fantastic description about his skin if you wanted to. If you didn't then well don't just say "Indian yellow"
Also, Kylie's story overall seems iffy, he didn't go to get help? Also, he saw a grown man sneak into second year's dorm and he's just...okay with it? Seems a bit...off if you ask me.
And he seems to be pretty nonchalant about complete kidnapping, not alarmed enough to get an adult or anything. Huh. Well then.
Oh, another thing I noticed was that I don't know...Kylie's characterization just...needs work. I don't know what he's trying to be, helpful? Scary? Cool? I'm just lost here.
All in all, I think this story needs a great deal of work.
-KaraAuthor's Response: Nice. I'm only a beginner. I don't plan on changing it. This a challenge story and the challenge has already ended. That's a lot of constructive criticism, but quite frankly I'd have liked to see something nice too. Report Review
hi, kwl story so far. rly creativ wiv tha jumpsuit bbz, buh i fink ur writing overall culd be a bit betta. ur gramma is not that bad, buh its not perfect eitha lolol. also, plz refrase some
stuff, cuz they sownd a lil bit on tha racist side. UPDATE SOON!?!!
I LOVE U! xAuthor's Response: My grammar? Perfect compared to yours. I could barely understand what in the world you were saying. As for the racist? There are bad people all over the world, and that includes India.
I'm not updating. This story is completed. Report Review
That was cute! I loved the ending letter and Hufflepuff winning the house cup. Great job!!Author's Response: Thanks! I decided to stray away from Gryffindor winning every time - to say the point it's set in Harry's second year, so it does have a few AU tendencies, because Gryffindor won again in Harry's second year.
Thanks for the reviews! Report Review
Wow, what's it like in Sydney? I'm in Ohio, America myself. 10 is pretty young, but writing can take hold of us at a young age. I'm 16, now. Onto the story!!
Kylie was a bad person! I want to hear her side of the story. I'm so glad the girls are okay!Author's Response: Ha, it's good. I live in the country, but my keen eyesight (despite the fact I wear glasses) actually allows me to see the city!
She's not the only one though. Yeah, you'll get her side of it in the final chapter. Report Review
This is interesting! This is the first mystery I've found that I'm actually interested in. I hope she finds her friends okay! By the way, it's not terroised, it's terrorized. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks! She will, oh yes she will.
For me it's terroised because I live in Australia, not America if that's where you live. Report Review
I think you are excelling quite a bit with each chapter. You are doing a really great job, keeping the characterizations consistent throughout each chapter. Great work!Author's Response: Yay! Another positive review. Thanks. It's nice saying I'm doing a great job, but I think I'm only managing to do this because I'm not trying to describe them too much. Report Review
So she did it, then! Stupid Slytherins (I can't believe I say that, I'm a Slytherin myself =P)! It's pretty unusual (at least I think it is) with stories of Hufflepuffs. Isn't it? At least it's new to me, and that's always a good thing :) Anyways, I loved it! Exciting! :) You have to write more!Author's Response: Exactly why I tried out this story with Hufflepuffs. It would certainly be away from their reputative personalities, it would be different.
Haha, well, you know what J.K's Slytherins are like, and that's one thing that isn't different.
I'm definitely writing more after the queue is reopened. Your positive reviews have given me a boost. Thank you! Report Review
I thought Kylie knew too much! Hah! =P But how did it happen? Did Kylie do it herself??? No, could she kidnap two girls like that? Maybe... I suppose I'll have to read chapter three to find out, right? =PAuthor's Response: Yep, you'll have to read chapter three. Oh, I like keeping people on a string, leading them on in suspense...
Thanks again! Report Review
Hello there :) I found your lovely review for my story, and decided to check out your site! This looks really good! I'm hooked!
Is it just me, or does Kylie sound like she knows too much? Maybe she's just observant =P Yay, there are two more chapters here =D This'll be good =PAuthor's Response: Thanks for the return review! It's nice to know my stories are getting read - I've always wanted to be an author...
No, you'll find out soon enough. Report Review
I think this is a nice beginning. I didn't spot any errors, and I apologise for taking so long to review. Life is crazy, and I apologise with the shortness of this review as well. Good opening. Remember you can request again in three days or more if you want another review. Nice workAuthor's Response: Thank you! Please review the other chapters as well, if you can. I know how you feel with life being crazy - I've got a 3-day long exam! Report Review
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