I have one note for you, there is a slight grammatical error: I believe you meant to say an owl flew through the window (not to).
I'm entranced by this intro. At first I didn't like the name Maxy but it fits now! Maxy seems to be a great mix of Sherlock Holmes/Tony Stark. I can't wait until he can stop refering to her as Reid. It's confusing because that's also a boy's name. (Maybe I've read too much of momotwins' character Reid and I feel like she owns the name). Well done! Report Review
Well I must say I am thoroughly impressed! This is such an out of the blue, interesting, and certainly by no means cliche story. I am definitly looking forward to this story! Report Review
I love fedora's. damn you! lol i also enjoyed the water bit. played out quite wonderfully in my head and I have to say i can't wait for the next chapter! Report Review
Wow. Again a chapter that I went from amusement, to thinking he was crazy, to laughing at him. He is such a character. different but great to read.
A very good chapter, with good details and a bit of hilarious writing. Report Review
What an interesting start! I'm actually really fond of it, I found it caught my attention and kept it there. The Freud comment made me giggle.
Actually a lot of the story made me stop and laugh. I think Maxy is going to be a great character to get and know, and I think he will cause a lot of moments where I'm having fun with the chapter. Report Review
Oh, wow! This completely blew me away.
I don't think I've ever read a story that I liked after less then a paragraph! I'm sorry but there is not a single thing I can help you with so far. Amazing, amazing, AMAZING. I'm a pretty hard person to please, being so god damn picky and everything (which is proven on my review board), but i genuinely LOVED this story. The characters, the flow, the description and the way Nola thinks that witchcraft is just an illusion. I'm sorry if this isn't what you were looking for in your review, but there is not a single thing wrong with this. Keep it exactly how it is.
Sexy Sev Report Review
Maxy? An idiot? Perish the thought! XD I love Spartacus Cripkey, Esq. (haha, brilliant name! So very HP ;D) ...and the fact he is the size of a whale, lol. Your descriptions are brilliant (as per usual). You have some brilliant turns of phase up your sleeve, dear :3 I loved the bit about breathing and Maxy's "asphyxiated revelations", haha.
Erm, so I'm generally in love with your story :D I love your characters, I love the plot, the flow...I love everything :) Please drop by my thread when the next chapter is up :) Just a link to the story and the chapter I'm up to is fine - don't bother with the form, if you don't want to :)
Oh, and I almost forgot! Your banner is lovely :) I'm assuming you made it, so really it's beautiful! Anyways, 10/10 for another fantastic chapter! (And the banner is definitely a 10, but that's neither here nor there :D) Report Review
Aww, I loved how he even offered the bird some coffee; now that's manners ;) I love your characters; I really can't describe them...arrogant? Matter of fact? Or maybe it's your writing I'm in love with - so of the lines you slot in (i.e. Again, Maxy was no barbarian.) just add a touch of comedy that I really do love :D
As for charactersation, as I said before, I love your characters :) They're brilliant. And flow? Personally, I think it flows really well, no compliants from me :) 10/10 for a fantastic start! Report Review
I loved this chapter! For some reason, the word "rip-roaring" comes to mind. Both your OCs, Nola Reid and Maxy Holden, are fantastically interesting people so far. They seem like very fun characters, and it seems you have a definite image of them in mind. I was impressed by the way you introduced Nola to us through Maxy (and that ad), conveying his expectations of what she'd be like. That way the reader's idea of her is changed even as his is. In short, fabulous development on the OCs so far.
I have to say, this story really drew me in. It was just such fun to read from the very first! You have a very clear and direct way of saying things, but the story still seems open and approachable. I enjoyed the verbal sparring the two characters engaged in; your dialogue is quite good.
I did think this chapter moved very quickly, most likely due at least in part to your direct style. I don't think this chapter moved too quickly, but I do think it's something to be careful of. Of course, this is difficult for me to say for sure, never having read any of your other works. Anyway, great start! I do believe I'll be checking on this story's progress. Report Review
Oh, wow! Rita, this is wonderful!
You have a brilliant plot coming along and it seems to be somewhere extremely amazing. Which will be true, I know, with no doubt. You never fail to amaze me.
You wrote this beautifully - capturing every emotion and every scene perfectly, sending the reading falling head over heels for your story. No joke. xD
I love your characters. You have given everyone a very good, unique trait. You have made them all your own, and so this story. Great job, Rita!
Please update soon, honey!! :D
10/10 OF COURSE! Report Review
Hey, redherring here to review :)
I'm ashamed to say that I've never read any of your stuff before, and after reading this one chapter, I'm wondering why the hell not. This was just brilliant, and I don't doubt that the rest of your work is too *will be visiting your author page later*
Anyway, your OCs are just fantastic - they're wonderfully written, and I don't doubt that there's much more to them than meets the eye. I'm completely intrigued. The flow was also great - actually, there's no point me going on like this because I just loved everything. Nothing at all to criticise.
Oh, and I loved that the owl was called Portia. I don't know why, but I just did. Brilliant first chapter! Report Review
Hello there, thank you for requesting the review!
The beginning told me it was going to be a great story right away - it made me laugh out loud at once. I think that I've talked about the hook in every review I've left today, but you really don't seem to need any advice on that. Amazing beginning, and I wasn't disappointed but what followed it.
I'll start with your eras of concern, shall I?
I'm just going to sound like a squealing fangirl but so far, both OC's are absolutley fantastic. I fell in love with Maxy as soon as I read the 'Female, preferrably single.' part. I think he's a great character, you do very well with his dialogue too; it seems natural and real to me. Nola, well I'm very excited about her. I have a feeling there's something more to her, and I'm looking forward to finding out what that is. The way she kept telling him to call her 'Ms. Reid' and refused to say Maxy was super. I also liked how she almost scolded at him for hiring her.
I think you're an amazing writer, I really do. I like how personal your stories are; things like 'say a little past two' and 'Tomorrow, ten-ish would be something to look forward to.' It really adds something fun to it. The only thing that bothers me slightly while reading is the punctuation. Some sentences ends before they really have to, you could use a , here and there.
It was fanastic, it really was. (: Report Review
Whenever I read the first chapter of any of your stories, I feel like I've just cracked open a best-selling novel by a well known and practiced author. Something about your style is very professional, and it's an absolute joy to read. I don't even know how to describe it, but something about the feel of this piece is just remarkably practiced. I'm impressed. Amazed.
The plot to this, though rather simple at a glance, doubtlessly has something deeper hidden in it. Were this an expert novel that I'd just gotten from the library, I'd assume that this Ms. Reid woman is some sort of spy, or not who she says she is. Or maybe it's Maxy who's putting up a front. No matter what, I can tell that something big is brewing in this story, and it makes me so excited.
The only thing that is keeping me from falling out of my chair is the fact that there were a few grammar mistakes. They put me off only because I'm a freak, but nonetheless they pulled me out of the story a teeny bit. Perhaps think about getting a beta to polish off this story and make it perfect.
Great job! I really liked this. Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:. Report Review
Hey there Rita, here to review I am =]
I like this start. I really like this start in fact. The entire concept especially.
Nola's an interesting character isn't she? I have the feeling there's a lot more to her than meets the eye. Possibly she's magical as well. Possibly...something. But there is a possibly, and that's the point I'm trying to make =p
Likewise, Maxy promises to keep things interesting. He's not going to be able to help himself around Nola, and she isn't going to be interested in playing his games.
In terms of actual criticism, I think this is FAR too short XD
No, but seriously, there are a couple of little things. Sometimes in your attempts to describe exactly what's going on you have a tendency to take it a little too far. An example of this is here: 'His office upstairs was not how you'd imagine for a single, utterly available, bachelor professional wizard.' All the ingredients are there, but it just needs some re-ordering. I would go with something like: 'His upstairs office was not what was expected of an utterly available, single wizard.' That's just me though =]
There were a couple of small spelling/grammar issues, nothing major though. I think 'check' instead of 'cheque' and 'their' instead of 'they're' were the only real instances I can think of.
Can't wait for an update on this, looking very promising so far! Report Review
What can I say, llyralen? You're a master. ^_^ This opening chapter was enchanting and simply lush with superb characterization and snappy dialogue. And to top it all off, I'm sensing a killer plot in the making. Do update soon! Report Review
I have to say, giving a cast of characters at the beginning is really an interesting idea. I saw Christian Bale smirking that beautiful grin at me the whole time I was reading Maxy. What a rascal he is! I am interested in finding out more about him. I loved the line "straight as a chalkline for hopscotch". You've got a way with words, hon.
Ms. Reid, however, is a tough nut to crack. She's very practical and not much into playing games with Maxy. The two together ought to be interesting to read. Opposites attract, and you couldn't be more opposite than this.
The ending adds a touch of mystery, leaving the readers guessing and coming back for more. Well done chapter. Great beginning. Report Review
'ello Rita, it's Alex from TDA. so glad to see this story up!
I have to say I love how you opened the story with just the employee advertisement. Had me laughing a good deal. 'Must walk dogs'.
I find it interesting that you used the name Portia for the owl, though it's pronounced like the car, if i remember correctly, and was the rich heiress in The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare. What I'm attempting at saying is that I rather enjoy finding these little things here and there in your writing. It's definitely wonderful to find in HP fan-fiction.
The humor weaved in and out of this chapter is wonderful and I'm already loving it to bits and can't wait for the next chapter to hit!
I only saw two things that I can really point out, if you don't mind?
In the sentence: 'His office upstairs was not how you'd imagine for a single, utterly available, bachelor professional wizard.' bachelor made it feel a bit clunky to me. The flow just seemed to die when it hit the word in that particular sentence.
And with this one: 'More of cross than surprised.' The word 'of' just doesn't fit well to me. At first I thought 'a' was missing, but that wouldn't have made any sense at all. Lol. I think taking the 'of' out would suit it better, but like most things, it's an opinion.
Nevertheless, a lovely start to your story! Report Review
Needless to say, Rita, I love you. Also needless to say - I've been checking fairly often for this to pop up, because it looked so freaking original. And again, needless to say, but it was wonderful. Charming, suave, with a touch of sardonic humor, as evidenced by that paragraph about Maxy's past and that bit about Freud. Your style here is kind of reminiscent of Spin (which I TOTALLY have read!), but... hmm. It's different, but very similar. Which I suppose makes no sense, but whatevs, I enjoyed it. The short chapter went by quickly, introduced Maxy, who is VERY charming and mine, and Nola, whose name I adore. Love how you didn't go into the particulars of Maxy's profession and/or why he chose this line of work - I find it much more realistic to let things come when they come, instead of shoving it down the reader's throat. So, all in all, very charming start to another WIP I know I'll love XDAuthor's Response: I love you Gubster! And that's needless to say too!
Maxy is charming isn't he? I wanted him to be so charming he could butter up an old cat lady into taking a dog XD Unfortunately he's met his match in Nola, but that just makes the chase even better.
Hehe, it is along the same vein as Spin, but not quite so. I guess its because of the humor and such. They're my first attempts at humor and to have them appreciated is such a huge relief for me.
Maxy's line of work will be elaborated more on the second chapter, but to be certain: he is no backyard magician XD
Thanks for the review Gubby! Hope we meet again next chapter! *hugs*
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