Hello! Here with your review, as requested!
At points this flows really well, but at others it seems awkward and jumbled. The opening paragraph is the best example of this. I had to read it a few times to try and understand what you were getting at. I think the only real problem in this fic is that you have a bunch of run-on sentences that are hard to understand. The other problems just spawn from this. This is apparent in the first paragraph especially, but occurs throughout the story. For example, instead of:
"For the past few days, the Lycan was immersed in not only the clinical research that had been taking place over the past three and a half years under the leadership of Markus in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. However, the old legends, lore and anything else that might help the youngest Fredricks brother out that also caught his attention, lay pilled haphazardly upon his desk."
You could write:
"For the past few days, the Lycan was immersed in study. He examined clinical research that had been taking place over the past three and a half years under the leadership of Markus in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. He even read old legends, lore and anything else that might help the youngest Fredricks brother with his condition. Everything he scrutinized lay in a haphazard pile upon his desk."
You have a sophisticated understanding of the dictionary (Kudos on that! Repetition of words or a limited vocabulary are turn-offs in writing, but you have no problems there!) but you just need to work on flow. It's hard, I know. I struggle with it daily. I recommend reading what you write aloud. If you don't trip over your words, it probably flows nicely. If you struggle with it, the flow is probably off.
Also, I really like the phrase, "curses rebounded off the walls," but I'm not sure exactly what you meant by it (another reason for this is because it was in that slightly confusing first paragraph of run-on sentences). Did you mean curses as in spells? Or curses as in he was swearing out of frustration?
Another thing I noticed is that you could be more concise to maintain the reader's interest. The phrases, "Remus sighed deeply, leaning back in his favorite leather, high backed chair," and "Hayden had given him when his old wooden, tarnished swivel broke the month before," are amazing on their own, but it's too much to string together in one sentence. This is also spawned from your tendency to use run-on sentences. Adjectives are all at once a writer's best friend and worst enemy. It's just as easy to be skimpy in description as it is to go overboard. I'd recommend taking out a few: "Remus sighed deeply, leaning back in the leather chair that Hayden had given him when his old, tarnished swivel broke the month before." Or something to that effect.
Now, for positives! As I mentioned, you have an extensive vocabulary that is reflective in your writing. It's excellent. You've also got the characterization of Remus down to a tee! It was amazing, like I was reading him straight from the books. Also, I liked the repetition of the "tick,tock," line. It added a nice effect.
You have dialogue down nicely too. It was very realistic, not at all forced. It flowed very well. I also really liked your descriptions of speaking. For example: "Hayden opened her mouth to interject, but Remus pushed on,", "Hayden signed(sighed?) this time, waving her hand dismissively," and "Hayden replied, giving his shoulder a squeeze." These sentences are perfectly balanced and are just the right length. And, I really loved the ending. It was cute, it made my heart go all warm and fuzzy ^_^
Overall, you have quite a nice story here. Even though it might sound like I dislike it (if I came across that way, I'm sorry!) I definitely didn't. It was quite good! You have a creative plot and original ideas. My only criticism is your flow. If you work on that, I have no doubt I will be flat on the floor in awe of you!
p.s. Sorry for the epic. I tend to ramble ^_^Author's Response: Thank you for pointing those out! I went and fixed it up. TA status is nice. XD I'm always worried about my flow and glad that you gave some good tips and pointers.
I happy I was able to keep Remus in his 'skin', lol, and that I could make your heart go all warm and fuzzy. ^___^
No you didn't come across that way at all! Thank you and thank you for the great review! Report Review
I am not sure what to say.
I love that you had a good plot and even created a new department. Should have been in the epilogue honestly.
But it was really hard to follow and the detail was long and drawn out. Made it harder to read. I did not see any grammar mistakes and it was a really good read. But it was quite hard to follow. Bits of it were all mashed together.
Good plot though.
IzAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I'm not quite sure what you mean by: it should have been in the epilogue though.
Sometimes simple is better, right?
Nonetheless, thank you again for reviewing. Report Review
Here to review!
The first line kind of irked me a bit, instead of -"Tick, tock went the clock as the pendulum swung back and forth. Almost silently in the rich, dark, wood paneled room, curses rebounded off the walls, while the man shifted through papers on the desk that had been pilling up nonstop since his initial drive to research would it not be better as "The almost silent clock, ticked tocked as the pendulum swung back and forth in the dark, wood paneled room. A man sat at a desk, shifting through the pile of papers piled in front of him, in his research..." - its just that some of the detail you used isn't really needed here.
I don't get the curses rebounded off the walls bit, it makes it sound like curses are flying around, when there actually isn't any. Could you clear this up for me? If you can tell me what it means that it would be okay to leave it in.
Some of your wording might want to be twisted around a bit, like here- With a long yawn, his eyes met Hayden's in mid-stretch in an attempt to shake off his exhaustion. - could be, He stretched out his arms in an attempt to shake off the exhaustion that overwelmed him, his eyes meeting Hayden's you could also add in what color the eyes were.
"grumbling when the warm scent of the plate of food in her hands drifted past his nose." - this just doesn't sound right to me, what about- "grumbling loudly as the smell of hot food drifted to him from the plate she was holding"?
"When Remus didn't respond, instead sat eating," - ummm..."When Remus didn't respond to her, but just kept on eating"?
brother is conniving - should conniving here, be convincing?
"Remus' hand gripped her own that lay upon his shoulder still and he pulled her back to the desk before him" - what about, "Remus grabbed her hand which laid gently upon his shoulder and before she could move further away, he tugged her gently back towards the desk"
Also, instead of describing their features near the end, you should write them near the beginning, just so that the reader can have a better picture of what the two of them look like.
I know this may come across as if I didn't like it, but I actually did- it was a weird little one-shot. I liked how you came up with a new department, that deserves a round of an applause *claps*. It was a nice one-shot to read and the flow wasn't all that bad. I would like to see it made it into a longer story, so if you do change your mind please tell me and I'll review it again.
harrylilyjamesAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing, but
no, it's meant to be conniving. ^^
Glad you liked it and I'll keep what you say in mind. thank you once again for reviewing. Report Review
I thought this was just wonderful. The description, the dialogue, everything. I also thought your characterisation of Remus was spot on - he's one of those characters that can be really annoying when written wrong, so good job. The whole thing flowed well, too.
I liked the repetition of: "Tick, tock went the clock as the pendulum swung back and forth." It was a nice touch.
There's just one thing - is lycanthropy hereditary? I wasn't sure about that.
In conclusion, great job! In fact, my only real criticism is that it was too short - I would've loved to read more!Author's Response: First thank you for reviewing and I'm happy you enjoyed it! I was thinking about making it into a short story if it was well received enough as it does peek my interest. ^_^
In answer to your question: Lycanthropy hereditary?
Now we know that was one of Lupin's fears should he have children.
"My kind don't usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it --- how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child?"
So in my personal belief it's a genetic virus that mutates DNA and changes cell structure, the virus rapidly multiplying like a factory; the DNA being recombined in large quantities. That alone would have to be possible to even allow the change of form that a Lycan goes through. So, with that said, it's more than possible to have the virus passed down through the family line.
For example the common cold is caused by a type of virus known as Coronavirus. Just like any other virus Coronavirus is just a packet of DNA information in a dormant state.
With that said, it is very much possible that any person born from a Lycan would have that packet of DNA information, simply in a dormant state. So, yes it can be hereditary.
I may have to make a discussion topic about it on the forums ^_^ Report Review
I'm here with your review!
I'll be the first one to admit that I don't read a lot of Remus stories. I don't know why, since he's an amazing character, I just happen not to. But it was nice reading about him! I think you've kept him very in character too; the slight seriousness and desire to come up with a cure even if it means working himself sick was perfect. Very Remus.
The first paragraph was a little confusing, I think. It's probably just me though, but I had to read it twice before I knew exactly what was going on and who everyone was. Don't be too bothered about it though, I'm pretty sure it's just me being tired. (; Other than that though, your writing is excellent! The flow is great and you really paint an image.
You're very good with dialogue too; it seems realistic and not something someone would say in a sappy romance novel but in real life too. My only problem is that there seems to be no feelings there. I know it's third person and while first person is usually the writing form that shows what the characters feels and thinks more I think there are some parts of the story where it would have been better to show what Remus felt. For example, when he talked about him being the one to have bitten Hayden (because if I'm correct, that's what it was like? While we're at that, I think that part was a little confusing at first.). Remus was heart-broken and filled with grief when he got Tonks pregnant just because he thought Teddy would become a werewolf, I can't imagine how terrible he'd feel if he made someone else a werewolf, especially the girl he loves.
When we're at the subject, I'm not sure whether Lycanthropy is passed through genes. I only know that Teddy didn't become one even though Remus was one, but of course that doesn't necessarily have to be the case for everyone.
I really did love it. You managed to make it serious (with the whole cure part) and funny (with the soup) at the same time and you really captured me in your writing. Also, how you were able to develope a character in such a short time. Even though I believe there's a lot more to Hayden I got a great feeling of what she's like just from this. Which is great! The last line was amazing, a fantastic way of ending things.
Now I've been rambling for too long, I hope you don't mind. (; Very nice work!Author's Response: i have to agree that it's lacking a bit of Remus' emotions when it comes into focus he was the one to infect Hayden. (back to the editing board ^_^)
When it come to the Lycanthropy I have a personal belief that it's a genetic disease as it does change the form of the host. so at some point, the disease which has changed Lupins DNA, to even allow the change of form to occur, gets passed down to their children. Even if its dormant there's a high possibility. It's like one parent being allergic to shellfish, the other isn't and neither is the child. But because of that, that doesn't mean the allergy won't crop up in the future for the child.
I had to do loads of genetic research just to explain Hayden's family history of Lycanthropy. XD
Anyways, I'll stop rumbling! XD
Yes indeed there's more to Hayden, but that's more for longer story then a oneshot, lol!
Thanks for reading and thank you for the great review!
Hello dear! I'm here with your review! Again, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get around to this. I've just been so busy.
But - as always - this was an excellent story by you. haha, it was so enjoyable and really unique. Hehe. When I saw the Vegetable Soup, I was like what?? Okay, then.
But I really liked it! Really. This was a really different take on Remus and it was great! I would like to see this more often.
Fantastic job dear! I actually didn't spot any mistakes!
10/10Author's Response: no problem! lol, i understand what you mean, i seem to pick some strange titles. lol. I'm glad you liked it and thank you so much for the great review! Report Review
That was short, but sweet! :) I loved it!
I didn't notice anything worth crituqing about, so that's good news! :)
10/10 :)Author's Response: lol, thanks! Report Review
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