I really like the way this is going. Please update soon. X Report Review
This is excellent :)
I was hooked from the first chapter! I like how you make it clear right from the beginning that ellie doesn't hate oliver, she just doesn't particularly get on with him. Yet throughout she can still respect him as a captain and a quidditch player. They have fantastic moments, like when oliver tried to avoid telling her she was in his bed and also when she caught him smiling after she thanked him for not taking her to the hospital wing *squeal*
I think you're a really great writer. I always feel like a sign of a good book/fic is when you feel what the character's feeling, even if you know that they're being irrational or something. Like the time after ellie fell off her broom and she was in pain etc, you did it so well that I started to feel breathless and exhausted like her and completely got why she was crying and thought that if it had been me, I would have too! I don't really know if I explained that well but you made it believable, so much so that I wonder if you've ever had a punctured lung yourself? ...and I have a feeling that i'm rambling now lol. I tend to do that.
Anyway, moving on to this chappie. Yay! She can fly again! And more brilliant oliver/ellie interaction- that hug was just too cute! :) They have such great chemistry. I'm really looking forward to your next chapter, can't wait to see what happens next! Update soon!!!Author's Response: Thank you so so much for such a positive and nice review! Report Review
I really like this story! Its awesome please updates soon!Author's Response: :] Thanks so much! Report Review
Well hello, I think this story is great, it seems to be going in a good direction, Your writing is brilliant. Very good.
Well I have to say that this is the last chapter I am going to read because it's getting a little hectic for me to review every story, so I review three chapters now and if you want me to review more to need to re-request.
Thanks for giving me this story, I have liked it so far cheers.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi back again, well, well, well. this chapter was very interesting, wonder who cursed her broom?
Wonder what will happen with her and Oliver?
well best get onto the next chapter.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: :] Thank you so much! Report Review
Hi there it's MissSpitfire, Estelle Black on here with the reviews that you have been waiting for, for so long. I am incredibly sorry for the long wait it's just I have been caught up doing my own thing, anyway I'm here now and here to give you a review.
I have to say that this story is good, I like Ellie she is great.
Well I wonder what will happen now with her position in the team? mmmhhh
Well best get onto the next chapter.
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: :] Thank you. Report Review
I've been neglecting you and Josefina for quite some time now...me bad... mea culpa.shame on me!!!
Now I'm back for your latest story and I must say after your wonderful "Hold Back the Tears" I've got really high expectations.
This introductory chapter is already brilliant. There's Oliver Wood, the somewhat obsessed, nerdy Quidditch captain and your OC, Ellie.
The two seem to be in a somewhat awkward, tense "relationship", well, not a REAL relationship, but you know what I mean. This creates really interesting moments, conflict situations between the two.
I must say you have a talent for writing OC. You own them, shape them at will just like Pygmalion shaped his Galathea and one can't help but fall in love with them.
Oliver might be a canon figure, but his appearances were scarce, hence you have complete freedom over him and you make good use of it. I must say I didn't like him in the books; I will have to see where you will be going with him, but one thing is sure. This will be one hell of a read!
Good job with the first chapter and en extra kudos for your nicely flowing, impeccably clean writing!
I will be reviewing more when my free time allows.
ZoltanAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this kind review! Report Review
I'm back! *Grin* *Grin*
Buahahahahaha! I told you I'd be stalking your story! Can I has some candy now? :D
Another wonderful chapter of course~
*Happy dances* OMG! A HUG! OMG! I am very excited for this development if you can't tell. (:
They're mates! And she gets to fly! Woot!
Keep writing, yeah? XD I'm so happy~ Eeeep~Author's Response: :] I just checked all my reviews after not writing fan fiction for ages. I don't know if I'll update, but this review definitely made me smile. Report Review
wasn't aware that this had been updated!
but i'm all caught up now...and i'm glad to see that they decided to be mates. hope they beat slytherin!
anyways hope to read a new chapter soon!
Princess MaidenAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, and I'm hoping to update soon before my life starts becoming even crazier than it is now. Report Review
Hey there rachm. Rocket here with your review, as per your request from the forums. Sorry it's taken a while for me to get to this. School's started back, and I've been sick. That being said, let's start with your review!
Firstly, let me thank you for requesting an Oliver/OC. I've got one in the works, but it hasn't been posted yet. (;
Now, we have a fairly over used plot line here. Angry female seeker on Quidditch team, who dislikes Oliver Wood. And of course the feeling is 'mutual'. Though he probably has, or develops feelings for her. This, of course, is not a bad thing. I enjoy things like this. So don't worry. (:
I noticed a few places where you overused commas. Most people don't use them enough, actually. But you had some that didn't need to be there. Rule of thumb: if you don't need to pause while reading it for it to make sense, then you don't need a comma.
Also, just a couple of dialogue issues. There should be spacing with dialogue, and if you're going to say ' "blah blah blah," he said. ' Then you need to do as I've done, and put a comma between the last word of dialogue, and the quotation mark. At the forums, there's a topic on dialogue. I know it helped me a ton.
Also, this may be the first chapter, but I feel like your introduction of Ellie was a bit vague. . . I liked her, but I don't really know her, and I don't feel like she's. . . real. Maybe that's been developed thoroughly in the later chapters?
Other than that, it was funny and very promising. I did enjoy it, despite what you may think from my review.
Please feel free to re-request. I'm trying to clear up my request thread at the moment, so there should be room if you'd like to request a slot.
Hope I helped, and wasn't too harsh! I didn't mean to be if it came off that way.
Rocket.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! And no, you weren't harsh at all. I promise. Criticism is something that must be given to all pieces of writing. I am glad that you enjoyed it, and I'll try to re-request soon. I really appreciate it. I know that I struggle with comma usage as well. I don't know why I do! Report Review
Korean00American again, with your last requested review. Let's jump right in!
I see almost no misused commas in this chapter at all. Bravo! Now I truly do think you should go back and edit the mistakes in the earlier chapters, since you clearly have gotten more discerning about where to place them. This is such great writing--there's no need to leave your early chapters weakened by silly grammatical errors.
Your description of the weather--everything from it feeling like summer but being October, to the descriptions of the landscape--are just lovely. As is your description of Ellie flying again. Really close attention to detail and strong word choice. Nice job.
Even more great lines of humor, which I've taken to just copy/pasting, because no one can say it better than you already have! =^.^=
--That everyone counted for everyone except me.
--“I was flying, Wood. What did it bloody look like? Surely, I wasn’t riding a hippo."
--"You’re the only one who knows how to annoy the living hell out of me.”
And to answer your questions:
1.) I see HUGE improvement from the first chapter to now, absolutely huge. And I really do think you should take your improved skill and rework your earlier chapters so they are in the same league as this one.
2.) As I said before, I think that Ellie is a deep, natural, strong, and perfectly well-developed character. I understand less about Wood, but that is natural because he is not your POV character. He is consistent and multi-layered. The girls are also consistent throughout, and the voice is superb for each character. I'd say I'd rank your character development as "masterful." ^^
3.) Ellie is my favorite part of this story. She is the kind of girl I always wanted to be--the anti-drama queen. I think the humor is also great.
4.) I think that I'd love for you to edit your earlier chapters (do I seem like a broken record? ^^).
5.) I notice what some reviewers are bringing up about the end spacing being strange, but honestly it doesn't bother me. It'll be a great day when my most important life concern is the spacing at the end of a fic's chapters.
I had a great time reading your fic, and I'm sure I'll be back for more! If you'd like to, I'd appreciate a return review on my measly two chapters also!
Thanks for your great work!
KAAuthor's Response: I definitely want to check out your story!!! If you can give such amazing reviews, you're probably an even better writer. Your story looks very interesting as well. As soon as I have time to review properly I will get on to reading your story! I know how good it feels to get good reviews, so I'll try my best to give you something good. I'm sure it's fantastic though!
About your review, firstly. Thank you so much. Words can not even be used to describe the feeling I felt when I read your reviews. Normally, when I get reviews, I get happy but then remind myself this is only fan fiction I am writingĂ˘Â€Â¦ But when I got your review, it felt as if someone had given me one of the best presents ever. I really appreciate all the compliments you gave to my writing, dear!
I am so happy you enjoy the descriptions and the humor. When I read stories I always prefer when there are good descriptions too, so I guess I try to reciprocate that in my own writing.
I am glad that you see an improvement, I think that as an a writer the only place anyone can do is IMPROVE.
And I'm glad that you like Ellie. I will go back and edit my earlier chapters as soon as I get the time. Time is so sparse right now in my life.
Thanks very much for reviewing. I Hope that you review the last couple of chapters!
- Rachel Report Review
Hello again from Korean00American! Let's get going on another review.
First off, some things to consider reviewing:
Again, I notice issues with comma usage, but even less now than in chapter 2. You seem to be improving chapter by chapter, but I'd still consider editing all errors anyway.
In paragraph one, never the less is actually one word, nevertheless.
I mentioned in my review for chapter one the repetition of Oliver running a hand through his hair multiple times. He did it again in the second chapter, which I liked, as it seemed to be a characteristic move. Angelina has now also done it, along with Oliver yet again. I think the fact that I'm noticing who does this gesture and how often could be telling about your use of it. You could consider giving your characters something other to do with their hands--drumming fingers, scratching a chin, etc--so that a reader isn't drawn away from your strong writing by a needless repetition.
--"Because it hurts to sodding much." [To should be too]
--Every student was either in class or in their respectable common rooms studying. [Respectable should be respective.]
And as for things you're doing perfectly:
Your descriptions of Ellie's pain are excellent. I don't think there's too much or too little--just the right amount, and you choose the perfect words to tell the reader exactly how Ellie is feeling.
Your entire development of Ellie as a character is strong and complete. I know this girl--I've met her, I've envied her. This is a character with a consistent voice, with great depth and emotion, and with a lot of room for you to work creatively as a writer. Excellent work.
And finally, I have to give you a big congrats yet again for more great humor writing. Character voice is obviously a huge strength of yours, and I'm adding humor to that list too. "This made me feel loads greater. Not." Totally hilarious. And another--"I'm not going; can you tell McGonagall that I've died on the Gryffindor table?" And yet another--"You give such stellar compliments, Wood," I taunted him. He smirked. “It’s really a miracle you manage to date some girls.”
Meet you at Chapter 4--ready, break!
KAAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing again! I feel like the reply of my reviews aren't anything in comparison to how amazing your reviews are! My responses seem bla, and your reviews are like wow! Haha, so I just want you to know that I really appreciate them. I went back and fixed the mistakes you pointed out. I am glad that you think I am improving. I really am trying to write better. Thanks for all the compliments. WOOT Report Review
Hey there--Korean00American again completing your second requested review.
To begin, this chapter had some of the same comma issues as the first chapter, though there seem to be fewer here than in chapter one. Have you edited this more thoroughly? If so, consider giving the same treatment to the first chapter. ^^
--Try not to irritate him too much tonight, Ellie,” she she was pleading with me. [Double she]
When Ellie's broom is going out of control, consider putting her ACTUAL thoughts in italics so your readers don't get confused. First person means that Ellie is usually describing her thoughts, but in these paragraphs your insert some of her actual in-the-moment thoughts. These are what I'd suggest italicizing.
--It’s not my felt my broom went totally blooming insane on me. [Felt should be fault.]
And now for a few cupcakes for all your great writing in this chapter. =^.^=
I loved, LOVED your description of Angelina, and her comparison to Ellie. Though I think Ellie is just being too self-critical, I really enjoyed the way she describes being envious of Angelina. The lines "She looked like an athlete, a true athlete and stuck out among the rest wherever she was. Sometimes I envied her gorgeous looks," really stood out for me.
Again, you do a great job writing humor (I'm so jealous!). "Here little snitch, come to Ellie now. Be a good snitch." SO funny! *^^*
I liked your description of the broomstick trade. I never thought before about the manufacture of broomsticks, but your description "Broomsticks were finely made throughout the country by the best manufacturers and tested multiple times before they could be sold. There had never been such a thing as an out of control broom in the history that I knew of," was really fresh and interesting.
Another strong chapter! See you in Chapter 3!
KAAuthor's Response: I went back and fixed these errors you pointed out! Thank you for that!
I am glad that you like it. I don't know how to put Ellie's thoughts in italics, plus when I go back and edit I have like strange characters in between my words which I am afraid are not even in english. Haha. I don't know what happens but as long as it looks normal when you read it then I'm fine with that!
Thank you so much for reviewing. Honestly, you are so kind to say all these words. They really make me smile. You have no idea how unbelievable I felt when I got these reviews from you! Report Review
Hi there! It's Korean00American from the forums, completing your first requested review.
Just so you know how I like to do things, I generally start by offering some suggestions and pointing out possible things to review, and then move on to things I think a writer does really nicely, so here goes.
First off, as other reviewers have noted, your comma usage is not grammatically correct. Generally, you tend to overuse them, while sometimes commas are missing where they should actually appear. Since many reviewers have given this same note, I'd really consider making the edit. My advice would be to use your word processing program to remove EVERY comma from this chapter and start fresh. Commas generally go 1.) before a conjunction or conjunctive phrase (AND or DUE TO THE FACT, for example), 2.) After a sentence introduction such as HOWEVER, a sentence that begins in an ordinal number like FIRST, or a sentence that begins with a name, 3.) between all but the last two items in a list, and 4.) (and be careful with this one!) at a natural pause in the sentence one would make when reading aloud. Otherwise, when joining a two halves of a sentence that could potentially stand alone, use a semicolon (;). I'll give an example: I am really enjoying reading your story; I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter. Hope all that helps. =^.^=
Next, in the very beginning, you have Oliver running his hand through his hair three times in just a few paragraphs. Consider taking one of them out so it's not repetitive.
--I shifted my weight in anticipation of whatever awful horrible thing he was about to make me do. [I'd remove awful or horrible so it's not repetitive.]
--[Wood] Alright hop too. [There should actually be only one o in too.]
Now for some things I think that you do really beautifully:
First, you use a great, natural first-person voice for Ellie. Since JKR uses third-person semi-omniscient, a lot of fic writers (like me!) tend to do the same without even really noticing. It's great to read a first-person with a character voice as smooth and realistic as you do here, so nice job there.
--“Please,” I clasped my hands together for extra effect. Very cute and funny. *^^*
Your descriptions are really great, and your word choice is totally apt. For example, Ellie giving Wood a "tight nod" is something I've never read before, but it's perfect at explaining the action you mean. Wonderful job.
You write humor very well. That is something I find really hard myself, so I greatly admire anyone who's got a talent for it, as you obviously have. Fred's joke about the shower, and right after that, Ellie wondering if she could shoot Wood were both very funny and surprising.
This is a strong start with only some things to review--I can't wait to see what's next!
oh and p.s.--the fact that you named your review box is the cutest thing ever!Author's Response: HI HI HI HI!
Wow, your reviews are fantastic. I've read all the others you have left and they have absolutely made my day! You think that I write humor well? I used to think that I always struggled with that a lot because I am not a very funny person. I feel like Ellie is a big part of me though, and most of her thoughts are something that I would probably say.
I will definitely go back and edit this chapter for commas and any other issues of concern, I know that there are some errors. And I'm just SO busy right now with school, theatre, work and trying to get my grades to stay high so that I can get into a good school for college. I know that they are excuses, but I don't have time for a major edit right now. Maybe to write another chapterĂ˘Â€Â¦
Thanks so much for your compliments. Honestly, you've given me some of the best compliments that I have ever received about my writing. I'm glad that you like josefina! I love your reviews. Thank you so much! They make me feel like smiling and dancing! Report Review
This was really really sweet. Aww this was soo sweet. I loved it! :) I adore this side of Oliver and I like that side of Ellie too.:) this has go to be my favorite chapter so far. This was amazing. You did a great detailed work. Congrats!:DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm glad that you like it. Keep reading! Report Review
I'm gunna answer your questions again. :)
Yes, I'm seein great improvement, your really improving.:D
Your charact development is amazing! You give great details and amazing descriptions. I LOVE it.
I love how realistic this story is. I'm pretty sure there was that one hard to get girl for Oliver. ;)
I really wouldn't have changed anything in this chapter, it really was good. Its a good turning point as you mentioned.
And yes, I have to say the spacing is a little funny...Author's Response: I;m glad that you like it. I don't know how to switch the spacing! I have tried and tried and it's very frustrating. Thanks for reviewing. Report Review
I do think your really impoving in your writing. Its getting better and better each chapter! :)
And again I do like where the story is going, I love that soft side of Oliver and i love how its coming out now. :D
And I ADORE Ellie! Shes amazing, she remind me quiet a bit of myself. :P
Fantastic job. I really can't wait to see where this story goes.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I am glad that you like it. I see a little bit of myself in Ellie as well! Report Review
I think this was good. It was an amazing twist, but its a little soon. But it was still fine. I can't wait to see how the rest of this story is going to go. And I love how Ellie and Olivers relationship is getting better! Yay! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Jumped the gun indeed. Whoops. I guess I just couldn't imagine any other reason for him to be injured, but this does make a lot of sense. People do get dirty sometimes when it comes to sports, and here we got to experience it firsthand. Incapacitating the Seeker does help in crippling a team, as they are essentially the most important player on the team. They end the game, after all. At least they discovered that her broom was cursed after all, and also found who was behind it. That's good...or bad, depending on how you look at it.
I like how they're going to try being mates. It's great that you haven't tossed the main characters into a romantic relationship as yet, as it lends an air of believability to the entire story. It's definitely moving at a nice enough pace.
You're still misusing your commas at points, but it's gotten tremendously better since the first chapter. Dialogue's still good, of course.
One suggestion I will make is for you to include classes. You've mentioned them in passing, but I'm starting to feel like they aren't at a school at all. Just having them in classes, working on an essay or even talking would be enough.
Other than that, it's a nice story. Not sure where you're taking your plot but I always feel like that's a good thing. I'd hate to have the ending of my story guessed at after just the first few chapters.
Anyway. Keep it up!
~LeighAuthor's Response: Classes will be included coming up! Don't worry. I hate how in a story people seem to forget the classes too. Thank you very much for reviewing. I will keep an eye for those commas I've misused. If you could ever shoot me an inbox over at the forums and let me know at what specific points commas are misused in this story (if you get bored and want to spend that much time) but no pressure thoughĂ˘Â€Â¦ Thank you so much for your kind reviews, I really really enjoyed reading to them and responding to them. I trust your judgement in my story. Thank you so much, Leigh! Report Review
Ah, now I understand why she screamed. Weird her shriek wasn't enough to wake even one of the other boys. They must really be deep sleepers.
Some friend Alicia is. She knows how the twins like to tease, and she shouldn't have said anything. Ellie shouldn't have even told them to be honest, but I guess not everyone knows how to lie. Hope she doesn't get teased too much for it later on.
Okay. I like the whole cursed broom thing, but something's still strange about it. When she went flying the night before, nothing happened. So how could something happen to Wood because of it? I know that I could be jumping the gun here as I don't have any proof that he flew it, but it's the only logical conclusion that I can come up with.
Reading on in hopes of finding out, then.
~LeighAuthor's Response: You'll have to keep reading to see what happens with the broomĂ˘Â€Â¦. I would be awful if I gave it away. And I know, Alicia is a loud mouth but she really is a sweet girl inside. Report Review
Another good chapter. I take back what I said last review. I'm glad that he didn't take her to the Hospital Wing. Not because of her dislike of it, but because they would have been in major trouble otherwise. He was only in his boxers, and I figure that would have raised Pomphrey's suspicions. So it was actually pretty nice of him to take her to his room instead.
I like how it seems that they are now moving towards friend zone. They still aren't completely civil to each other, but enough so to not be outright annoying each other. I'm really liking Oliver here.
Oh boy. Why did she shriek? There's going to be major problems now, I bet.
~LeighAuthor's Response: Haha, I thought it was an interesting twist. The hospital wing is boring, and Ellie didn't want to be there. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Now, this chapter I really liked. I've seen a definite improvement in your writing, and Ellie's voice is stronger than I've ever seen it. Although she's still not a round-enough character at this point, I do see some development in her. I can feel her desperation when she's thinking about Quidditch and wanting to fly again, and I therefore could sympathize with her.
I think there has been good character development. Ellie could use a bit more, as I've said before, but it's only the fourth chapter. There's plenty of time for character growth, in my opinion. Oliver's soft side is still present. While he's still that strong Quidditch Captain who cares about his team and winning, he's still not so hard on Ellie as to become overbearing. That's good, as it makes the reader grow to like him.
Good chapter. I hope that Ellie returns to the Hospital Wing now. Blacking out is not normal, and with all the pain she'd been in, she shouldn't have been let out in the first place. Let's just hope she returns and doesn't place herself in any more danger.
~LeighAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you so much. Your words make me want to keep writing this story. And your advice is very kindly put and nicely worded so thank you for that. Some people seem harsh when they review, I love how kind and gentle you review my story. You seem truly wonderful! Thank you so much for this review and all the other time you have spent reviewing my story. I will definitely come back and re request another review when I have updated. I am glad that you like this. Aren't Oliver Wood stories fun? Personally, I think he's dishy! Report Review
Wow. This is a REALLY great start! Agh! I totally wanna read more! Thats good! Because I'll totally do more reviews! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! Keep Reading! Report Review
Ellie had some contradictory statements in this chapter. Like when the girls were trying to coax her to eat, Alicia suggested that she go lie down. Ellie declines, citing that it hurts too much. Then in the paragraph after, she's looking forward to going to get some rest. Wouldn't she be dreading it instead, especially with her complaining about the pain associated with lying down?
You had good dialogue in this chapter. It didn't seem forced to me, which is always good. I like the interaction between Ellie and Oliver, though it does seem like their relationship advanced quickly to this stage. Considering how he was in the first chapter, it seems like a total personality switch, you know? I'd just suggest slowing it down a bit.
~LeighAuthor's Response: Haha, Ellie is confused. I see a lot of her in me at times. Is it bad that she is contradicting herself? I don't really know. I thank you once again for reviewing my story. Don't worry, I will slow down with their relationship I think. It's only eight chapters so long and where I'm going, wellĂ˘Â€Â¦ NO one knows yet! Report Review
There was very good description in this chapter. You added just enough detail and emotion to add to the frantic nature of Ellie on that bucking broom. Now begs the question of what happened to her broom. Who would curse it and why? I should think the brooms are fairly protected in their own rooms, which makes me wonder if it's someone in Gryffindor house itself. Hmm. In any event, I loved that section.
I don't really know what to think of Wood at this moment. He is first and foremost the type of Captain we saw in the books. Constant practices, even during bad weather, worrying about what will happen to the team above anything else. At first I thought he was worried about Ellie, but in the same paragraph of him saying that she could have died, he mentions the big match. It's completely flip floppy, and I just wished he'd make up his mind. It shows conflict within him. I guess a traumatic event can change a person?
Now, I do wonder what he's doing sleeping in the Hospital Wing. She's more friends with the girls than she is with Oliver, so why'd he stay and not one of them? He has ulterior motives. I don't buy his 'making sure you didn't die on us' excuse one bit. Hm.
Anyway. Good chapter. Reading on to see what happens next.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! Gosh, your reviews are making me smile. I am glad that you like it. I hope you're enjoying reading this story. THanks so much, again. Report Review
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