hi! this is a great story except ther are some mistakes. but this story is awsome! haha luv the 7 dwarfs thing

 Report Review

Kelly,
Quite the fun chapter, if you were Marauders. Well except Remus. Well Done. I do have one little correction. The container for the Memories are vials, not veils. I think you might have had this problem in the previous chapter. Happy Writing.
FoM

Author's Response: thanks for reviewing i cant believe ive wrote it wrong again i'll have imprint it on my head so i dont forget how spell it lol

 Report Review

I love it plse continue 2 write I love it hahahahahah, cant wait.

 Report Review

you suck at grammer and you need to edit ur stories for mechanical errors, that just makes it easier for people to understand the stories.

BTW ur story was good

 Report Review

This story is a good thought. However, I can not follow it. It seems there are so many run-on sentences. A lot of them are when people are talking. I would maybe go back and separate one person from another. It was very hard to figure out who's talking, and what they are saying.

 Report Review

it was really funny but u need to watch puntuation not once in the chapter did u use “” when people were speaking out load.

 Report Review

Kelly,
I thought for a bit your writing style had changed. But it was just because of the memory show. A bit difficult to read at first, but it got easier. ;-) Can't wait for the next.
FoM

 Report Review

Its a good start so far my only advice to you is make sure you put in commas were needed.

 Report Review

Oh Kelly,
I really liked this chapter. I must though, mention that you mixed up the word viles and veils. It was a bit disconcerting. But the viles of memories and the projector is really awesome. Watching the Marauders do their thing, will be a treat for all. I'm betting that the pranks on the house elves backfired. It just seems right. I'll be waiting.
FoM

 Report Review

First off I would like to say that I love the way that you have the story moving. It is one of my favorite periods of the Harry Potter World that I love reading about. You have managed to keep the story interesting and engaging. I really look forward to your update. Now I don't want to be too critical but I would suggest that you invest in an Microsoft Word program. Then copy and paste your chapters into it and let Word run through your story to find gramatical errors. This will truely help with your spelling mistakes. Now please don't think that I am saying that I am the world's best speller. Because I know I am not and this is how I overcome my spelling weakness. I would also suggest that you use different words, to convey your point, as well sometimes this works better.

Other than the spelling the two biggest drawback of your story are Quotations marks, Helps with following a conversation between characters, and the flow of your story. Sometimes it just seems to be rough around the edges and it can be smoothed out by adjusting your timing of events. Don't let the story rush itself. You must direct the action. That is the best thing about a written story, it can be as short or as long as the author wants it to be. To correct this I would just advise that you start at the begining of the story with the mindset of a first time reader and make notes on what YOU think would smooth out the rough edges.

All that said I only have one thing left to say.
YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO LIKE THE STORY. Don't try to please everyone. Just please yourself and it will all work out in the end. I look forward to seeing more from you.

 Report Review

the story is amazing put is it possible for u to but speech marks in because its really confusing :) but it really is a great story

 Report Review

Really loving the story so far! Can't wait for chapter 14! Let me guess, Ginny is Snow White and Harry is Prince Charming! Don't get frustrated and give up! You are doing great!

 Report Review

Kelly,
I really loved the Marauders HQ. That was inspirational. I can only imagine just what the family might find there. It occurred to me a good title for this chapter could be "Watch Your Step" or "Unearthing Secrets". Feel free to use either. I did notice quite a few misspells and grammatical mistakes. Isn't there any Beta here at the site that could help you? I can see that whatever Nargles are messing with your head are hindering your writing style. As far as what Harry and Co. will find in the HQ? Perhaps the secret to making the Map? A few prank items that George could use in the shop and call it the Marauders line? A diary from James? Maybe even a Portrait of James and Lily that Harry could chat with? I look forward to your next. If you wish a way to contact me look to bearscave fortyeightfiftythree at hotmail dot com. Please use numbers.
I'll be waiting
FoM

 Report Review

Ooooh, how exciting. Harry and Company are going to fix up the Godric's Hollow house. He'll finally be able to go and be home. I look forward to the next!

 Report Review

I totally love it , plse continue 9/10

 Report Review

OMG I LOVE IT! Grammer is easy to fix: copy and paste into microsoft office word, correct the mistakes wich are now underlined, and copy and paste it back here. THX BYE!

 Report Review

As much as I loved the exploring of the two vaults, there was a bit missing. When Harry asked for an accounting, there was no amount mentioned only that it would sustain many generations. I would have expected more leters, especially from Lily. Perhaps the meory vial will reveal more. I did enjoy the content of this one, but the context needs a bit of polish. There were many spelling and capitalization mistakes. I understand you were without your laptop, but most come with a spell check feature. Some of the misspells include- conkers-conquers, pursuation-persuasion, viel-vial, hoe-how, out side-outside, orginal-original, que-queue, blots-Blotts. Those are the most glaring. I will also remind you that All formal names of people and places need to be capitalized. I will mention now that I loved James's nickname for Sirius, shortening Padfoot to Paddy, it fits! Kelly, I really like your story and will continue to read it, I really hope the spelling problems will turn around. I really didn't mean this as a rant or flame. I just want your story to be all that you want it to be, and for it to shine! Please take this in the spirit it was given. ;-)

Author's Response: sorry about the spelling mistakes it will get sorted a.s.a.p i just havent got the moment to sort through it but thats a promise i will fix it. but the reason i didnt put a an amount was because tell the truth i couldnt decide on how much put in it so i wrote it that was so you get the point he gots alot of money

kellyhp

 Report Review

I don't know whether to laugh or cry so I'll do both. The seven dwarfs?! I would suggest you get a proof reader as your multiple mistakes is affecting the readability of your story. Good ideas tho.

 Report Review

Well the chapter was good.
But i don't think it was right place to have your First date in such environment. :)
Hope to get frequent updates

 Report Review

First spelling mistake, it's waist, not waste, second, dining, not dinning, you're welcome not your, Please get a dictionary, or a beta. You also need to pay attention to capitalization, God, Burrow, Kings Cross. I will say the conversations are a bit better. I also think you nailed the snotty/nice waitress. I don't know if I would have eaten there. But this wasn't as bad as you might think.

 Report Review

You did have a funny mistake. you wrote " brass Gryffindor loin" instead of lion. A loin is a part of the body. Ever hear the expression "fruit of his loin" pertaining to children?

 Report Review

I did like it. I think Harry taking in a fair for the first time with his best friends and the love of his life was really fun. Then going to his parents home, finding the pensive was just an added bonus. I can only hope some of the things in the vaults will be more memories. Excellent!

 Report Review

Hey Kelly,
I did like the content of the chapter. It was the context that was a bit of a problem. Please take a little more time when writing conversations. If you have someone who can take the second person, try going through each. You'll find an easier and smoother flow. As for the next, maybe you could do a tour of the other properties, you can always add Magical surprises to each( more house elves, if out in country Magical creatures, secret rooms, possessions from the Marauders.) Maybe in addition to closing off the portait room some personal items from the family could find their way in kind of like an informal home based vault. Speaking of which a day of inventory of the vaults could be fun. James probably wasn't the first Potter prankster. Hope I gave your block a ram. Hope to hear you soon.
Di

 Report Review

ok, although i liked this chapter, u have lack of punctuation and a lot of spellings mistakes. i advise u to get a beta-reader and fix it because sometimes it's confusing as to when it's a dialogue or the narrator speaking.^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

 Report Review

well the story is great i felt Harry may have accompanied Ginny with him for the visit since he never in his life wanted to do anything on alone maybe Ron and Hermione could have come too.
Elf's name were really funny

 Report Review