This is very...abrupt. Try more linking between thoughts. You need to add more details. Your dialogue is good, but without a solid format it is hard to read. It doesn't have descriptions of things like facial expression, or tone of voice, that would take that dialogue to a totally higher level. When you are describing actions, you list a stream without those things that make it really approachable. It's a fairly good, tried and true story idea, but it needed a lot more developement. If you'd like some help, just leave me a comment on one of my stories. Report Review
This is a very productive start. an issue you might want to address is starting a new line each time a new character speaks, it really makes the story so much easier to read. so for example
"I am such a awful daughter" said Hermione. "Whys that dear" said her mother. "remember the boy I used to hang out with" "Yes my dear Hermione"
put it like this:
"I am such a awful daughter" said Hermione.
"Whys that dear" said her mother.
"remember the boy I used to hang out with"
"Yes my dear Hermione"
Thats the only real complaint i have is that its hard to follow because of the dialogue format. other than that, excellent start, i hope you keep writing this. :)
Lots of love,
IHeartDracoMalfoy Report Review
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