"Rowena, who had been surveying the discussion shrewdly"?Idk, I like to think of the founders as nothing alike. Sals the shrewd oneAuthor's Response: Of course the Founders are different, but someone can made a shrewd comment without being devious. Shrewd is also a synonym for "wise", if you'd like to check a thesaurus. Report Review
Wow. I'm speechless. This was purely amazing. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, waiting to see what would happen next. Your writing is beautiful. Everything just fit so well together, and you have me bealiving that this is exactly what happened. Although I can't remember whether the other Founders actually knew that Slytherin had built a Chamber, but still. this was absolutley amazing.Author's Response: ...oops...I totally posted this to a reviewer before, because I didn't read the name closely enough. I'm a dumb dumb. This is what I meant to say:
I just read all of your reviews before I started responding, and I could never get sick of them! Seriously, I've been losing my motivation to write lately, but getting all of these makes me want to get my rear in gear! I'm really glad that you're enjoying my stories :)
wow ur discriptions are absolutly amazing !
a really great story, cant wait to read moreAuthor's Response: Thank you so much but this is only a one-shot. You can always check out my other stories if you feel the inclination ;) Report Review
Hey, lovely one-shot, very nicely written...it sort of flows, but does get very fast at the end, which was a bi unbalancing compared to the rest, but nevertheless very nice! I liked the names you used too - Gavina "white hawk" and de renard "fox" . Clever.
A different take on the Slytherin story too. :) great!
Chocolate rainAuthor's Response: I tend to have that problem of rushing near the end. I've really been working on it, but I'm glad that you still enjoyed it. Thank you for your review! :) Report Review
First off, I need to apologize to you for having to wait this long. It is absolutely irresponsible for me to offer to give reviews and then have you wait two weeks to give one. I am so sorry. Please do not stray from posting in my review thread for more reviews; this will not happen again.
With that said, I thought this was very interesting. It told about the Chamber of Secrets and why you can't apparate on the Hogwarts grounds.
Regarding your concerns, I don't think it was too rushed at the end. And your summary isn't terrible; I've read a lot worse, trust me. ^_^ One tip if you want the dialogue to sound a little more traditional: Don't use apostrophes. Instead of saying 'It's' say 'It is'. I find it really amazing how much that can change the dialogue, but it really does.
I love insight on eras or ships that have not been explored as much; your fic gave that insight. It was so interesting to, instead of delving into the future, go back in the past. Well done! 10/10
-Mrs Roonil WaslibAuthor's Response: I apologize, too, for taking so long to respond! Thank you for a fantastic review; I'll be sure to pop by your thread again this summer when I hopefully start writing again.
Hmm, I tried to stay away from apostrophes, but I'll watch them more carefully next time.
Yeah, it was interesting to do that. I tend to stay away from Founders because they're so far back, but it was nice to explore the roots of Hogwarts, y'know? Thank you again for your fantastic review! I really appreciate the time you took :) Report Review
This was really, really good. The plot was incredible for a simple one shot, and I really liked it. It was a great explanation for the chamber! I've read a little Founders, but none of them have ever mentioned a spouse for a Founder other than another founder. Gavina was really nice to read.
For your concerns on the rushing at the end, I'm no master, but I thouht it was fine. The pace that was set begged yo uto read fast, and you were on the edge of your seat, and it was fantastic. I'm also no master on the dialogue of the Founders, but it was certainly believeable, if not 100% accurate. It was definitely not distracting from the story.
As for your summary, when you asked for help, were you referring to the one you posted on my thread or the one on the story now? If I'm guessing right, I'd assume you got help since you posted (sorry for taking so long to reply, by the way), and if that's so, the summary on the story now is great. It really drags you in. The only problem with the summary on my thread is that it was a little curt, and a little short.
Nice work! It was an incredibly written story, and a great read!!!
~lllbAuthor's Response: This was definitely the most complicated plot I've attempted in a one shot, and I'm really glad that you didn't find it too overwhelming. I just had this wonderful idea, but I don't have enough time to totally flesh it out into a novel or even short story, so I thought I would try to make it a one shot.
I did get help with the summary. It's always one of my weakness, because I just want to pull the old "JUST READ IT"...but I can't. ;)
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! :) Report Review
You're right. The summary didn't capture me at all. If I may offer a suggestion, how about you take a line or two from the story and use them as your summary? Maybe something like:
"I had a dream."
The beautiful hawk soared through the stormy skies, seeming to barely avoid each stroke of lightening. (There should be no 'e' in lightning, by the way.)
"It continues to appear, and always, always it must die."
The hawk had barely time to shriek before the fox's jaws closed around its neck. (This would read better if it said, 'The hawk barely had time...')
"I am the hawk, Godric. Something is coming."
I think that would be a killer summary, actually. Just something to consider. Good luck!
As for the dialogue, I applaud your efforts to sound legit. Almost always when I was reading this, I felt the time period and it was natural. But there were a couple of lines where I felt you were trying too hard. Even though they spoke differently and that fact should be apparent in writing a Founders story, it cannot distract the reader from the main point. Like this, for example: "Your skin has become ice." Physically impossible. I get that you're trying to say that her skin is cold, but this is not the way to do it. Perhaps something like, "Your skin is like ice." Or "Your skin is cold as ice." Even though they were from a different time, they still spoke English. You can't make them sound alien. But really, there were only one or two spots where I wasn't convinced by the dialogue, so you don't have much to worry about.
As for the ending, I don't think it was rushed at all. It kept along with the exciting pace you had for the whole story, so I thought it was good that you didn't slow me down with unnecessary details about things I don't care about. I didn't feel rushed at all, so don't worry about that.
Overall, this is a great piece. It had a lot of action packed into it and I was interested in what you had to say from the first paragraph. You are a very good writer. Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Urgh. I figured as much. That's probably one of my weakest pointers as a writer. I can never write a satisfactory summary. Ooh, totally fierce. I might use that, if you don't mind. I'll put you as a credit, of course ;)
Okay, that's great to hear. Thank you. This is only my fourth Founders story, and I've been told before that my dialogue has been unbelievable for the time period, so it is very encouraging to hear that I've done better this time. There are definitely times when I go look over something and decide that it should "look" older, and I'm quite sure that was one of those times. I've gone back to fix it, though, so thank you for pointing it out. I'll definitely be more aware of that in the future.
Ah! Wonderful! I do have this terrible habit of rushing endings, and I was so worried that I hadn't done this story justice, since pretty much the whole thing was leading up to the murder.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review. It has really given me a lot to think about. I just might have to request from you another time ;)
i thought that the dialogue throughout this story was written incredibly well for the time period. they way they spoke to each other was so simplistic, yet entirely complex and the same time and that is how people took to speaking a hundreds of years ago. i think that you did a lovely job with tackling that obstacle and would not change how any of your dialogue was written throughout this read.
i did think that things sped up a bit at the end. i liked the pace throughout the entire story; it was one that really collected readers and led them on, but then at the end things sort of went faster and even though you did not lose me, i was not a drawn in as i was throughout the rest of the story.
overall, i thought that you did a wonderful job with this story. everything seemed to be written so well and i find that you did a beautiful job with everything. nice work.Author's Response: Thank you! I really am I dialogue person, so that's what I was most concerned about it. Thank you so much!
Urgh. I tend to do that. At least it's good to know that I'm starting to improve. I'll continue to work on it, though.
Thank you so much!! :) Report Review
Oh my. The leaving of Slytherin, was always a question. This was an answer that made sense. Poor Godric, but even more sympathy to Lady Gavina. To have seen the birth of the Chamber, but not able to give it's location. Now we also know when the first anti-apparition spell was cast at Hogwarts. Did the other Founders ever meet again with the evil Snake? This was an very good One-Shot.Author's Response: This is my second idea of what could have happened. If you're interested, I have three interwoven one-shots that deal with the leaving of Slytherin. ("Beacon", "Remembrance", and "Flickering") They are from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin's points of view. I'm hoping to get Gryffindor's eventually. For this story's sake, they never saw him again. Godric would have killed him if he had returned. Even though he never intended Gavina's death, it was better that he didn't come back.
Thank you so much for your kind review! :) Report Review
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