Just read your whole story, and I loved it so far. I hope there is more to come soon! Report Review
Hey, I'm back again!
Wow, this chapter was fun! I enjoyed reading it a lot! =D
Firstly, I think that the idea of them competing with each other was a very good one. It was fun to read and it showed how she's trying to adjust with them by playing by their rules. Now, I have to say that I like her character. She's developed a lot as an OC and I can see her turning into an excellent character.
I must say that this chapter was perfect in terms of both description and dialogue. It had the right amounts of both and did not get monotonous at all. This is how every chapter should be. It should have the right amounts of thoughts, feelings, descriptions and dialogues. I'm glad to see the improvement here. The scene where he kisses her and wins the race was very well written. It was described perfectly and was well worded! Keep it up! =)
Whoa. Now I fully understand why Laia's here. Voldemort wants her! It's good to see the sudden turn your story just took. I like the plotline and I believe it has a lot of potential! Keep it up! =) I can't wait to read about her meeting with Voldemort.
About the part where she asked Draco about Harry Potter? I think that might need a little work. I mean, Draco took three lines to explain the entire story? I think that she deserves more explanation than that. Also, when he mentioned Harry, he called him "Harry" instead of the usual "Potter" which seemed slightly inappropriate. And I was expecting to see more bitterness and hatred in his tone when talked about Harry. There just wasn't enough of it to make her understand how he saw Harry as.
I think that that's it from me right now! It's a very good story and I really enjoyed reading it! =) Keep it up. I hope my reviews here helped you with everything.. I'm really sorry if I offended you in any way. =) Good luck and Happy Writing!Author's Response: I will respond to all your reviews here. First off, thank you so much for taking the time to read and then give such detailed critique for bits to be improved. Some of your points I kind of felt myself (ie. get out of Laia's head more often), and some were a bit of a surprise but I see where you're coming from. I will definitely keep all your points in mind as I work on my re-writes. Once these 5 have been fixed up, I will definitely come back to you for more help! You've given me alot to think about, and I am immediately shaping up some ways to make things flow a little bit better based on your comments.
Some random points:
- for some reason I really like writing dialogue as Narcissa, so I'm so pleased that you see my portrayal of her as keeping with her character!
- Fernando was really just a means to an end, and I guess it shows. Giving him more character is going to be the hardest bit of this fix, I predict. Oh well. You are right, his actions are extreme.
- I thank you many more times!!! This will be extremely helpful as I work to improve my little story. Cheers! :) Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with another review for you!
Now that's much better. The start of the chapter had the correct balance of dialogue and description and that's how it should be. Here there was the right amount of conversation and the right amount of description which kept my mind from getting sidetracked.
Overall, I think this was a very good chapter. It showed Laia adjusting into the Malfoy Manor and how how she's coping with the new atmosphere. I liked how the entire scene played out between her and Lucius. For some reason, she gets completely helpless in front of him and I think that that's sort of inappropriate. She should be more self assured right now.
Draco as usual was spot on. I'm liking how you made them challenge each other. It would help them to get to know each other and would bring out their determined sides. Good job.
And I noticed that you've made Laia hate Muggles. I think that that is absolutely right. I mean, the kind of experience she's had had and the kind of people she's living with, I think that that attitude towards Muggles can get her pretty far. So good job with that aspect of her character.
The idea of them having such a good time with each other is quite entertaining. I had fun reading it. =) I like how Draco's treating her at the moment. It doesn't go against his character and still makes him seem nice enough. Though I still think he should taunt her more. After all, that's what he does best, isn't it? =P
Overall, a very good chapter. It had a good beginning and a very good pace which kept me interested till the end. I was glad to read this one. =) Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse here with another review for you! =)
Okay let's start with what I think really needs to be mentioned here. I know that Laia's silence is a crucial part to her character and that it's right to keep her quiet so as to let her deal with the recent events. However, I felt that there were too many thoughts and descriptions in this chapter that at one point it got boring and monotonous. And quite frankly, it was a long chapter, but if you look over it, nothing much really happened, right? What I'm trying to say is that if the events have to move slowly, try avoiding the long paragraphs that only mention one's actions. They don't even describe the feelings in detail; they just mention what's happening with the person in question and how they're reacting to it physically.
I thought that I would see Laia deal with her parents' deaths and think about the whereabouts of her brother. She was a rebel but they were still her family, right? So, isn't she supposed to wonder where they are? Just a thought.
Draco's character has been written very well here. I love how you've made him interested but only slightly. I liked it when he felt jealous of her. It's the right kind of emotion for someone like him: a pompous, arrogant and spoiled kid. And if the scene in her bedroom, where he tries to kiss her, had been put differently, I would've said that it was very uncharacteristic of Malfoy to do that. But I must say that they way you put it, it turned out pretty well and did not feel off his character at all.
Laia's not doing so fine with her character. Like I said, she's quiet all the time, but why? I mean its not like she's actually thinking about her parents, is she? It's not mentioned anywhere. Then she goes around having sarcastic thoughts when she barely cares about the Malfoys? Her character doesn't seem solid yet. It's a very good idea though and she as an OC has potential but I'm afraid that her execution needs work. I hope you know what I mean.
Like I said in my previous review, Narcissa and Lucius' characters have been written brilliantly. It's very nice of Narcissa to talk to her and to tell that she understands and it's so like her character that she asked her not to destroy her mother's possessions.
Soo, her parents were Death Eaters, eh? Well well well. =P Not a bad idea actually. It explains how she ended up with the Malfoys. But why was the letter addressed to "Lynn"? Just got confused there.
Other than what I mentioned above, I don't think that there was anything else wrong with this chapter. It had a very good ending and I'm curious to know more now =) Also, I know you may be thinking "Did you even like anything in here at all?" Well yes, I did. But I didn't mention any of that in detail as I thought that the characterisation, being your area of concern, needs more attention. =) Hope you found this review helpful.. =D Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse here with your review! Wow, this chapter was much better than the previous one. It grabs your readers' interest and makes sure that they stay. I really really liked how you've incorporated the Malfoys in the story so soon and so effortlessly. The part where Lucius Malfoy enters the story was completely brilliant and nobody could have written it any better =)
The description level of your story is going fine. However, I would recommend you to get out of Laia's head more often. I mean, it's not a narration so we shouldn't be so focused on her thoughts alone. We should have a clear picture of where she is, who she's surrounded with and how her surroundings are. It helps your readers to visualize the environment and the scenes better. Their imagination fires up if the description level of everything is on higher level. I hope you know what I mean =)
Characterisation: Hmm, seems like I have a lot to comment on here =P Let's start with Nando; personally I did not completely understand why he was so aggressive and extreme. I mean, why did he attack and kill her parents just for the fact that Laia had told him? Okay, it's understandable that he was angry and scared but why? Why the hatred? Was there a specific reason for him to do that? I mean, he didn't even stop to listen. I hope you know what I mean and clarify it a bit. The reason that he was Muggle wasn't really enough for the murders he committed five seconds after he found out.
Lucius: Well well well =P I must say his character is quite different. The Lucius I've mostly read about, is either in Azkaban, trying to rectify his mistakes or sucking up to Voldemort. I like how you've went past all that and made him the sick Death Eater that he is here. I would never have thought that a pure-blood Death Eater would resort to Muggle ways of torture. It's a good idea and as crazy as I might sound, I like it =) However, the part that I did not understand was why he was able to corner her so easily? When it was Fernando, she got so defensive that she killed him. Couldn't she have done something like that to stop Malfoy? Why did she give in all of a sudden?
Laia: I don't have any problems with her character apart from what I just mentioned above. Apart from that I think that she's a unique and a very creatively created OC and I'm surprised that this was your first fic. It's very good and the characterisation of your OC marks its brilliance =)
Narcissa: I think that you did right by showing her as a hospitable host. Even though she's on the Dark side, i think that her maternal nature and her woman instincts should remain preserved. You did right in making her act like she did. She had that balance of the arrogance and the niceness together. Hard to believe and even harder to execute but it was there. So really very good job =)
I liked how you ended the chapter. Though after I'd read I didn't remember reading anything about how Laia felt about the Malfoys. Maybe I missed it or it wasn't there, I don't know. You need to add her thinking about their first impressions. It has an impact on your readers and also, it would tell us how Laia thinks and judges people. I hope you know what I mean. =)
Overall, a very well written chapter. Very good job! I hope this review helped you =) Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse here with your review!
So, let's start shall we? I'll talk about the start first. The first paragraph was a good way to start. You just gave enough detail so as to arouse your reader's curiosity and make sure they read on. However, the part where she discovers who she is and her parents tell her about magic seemed a bit dragged. I mean there wasn't much there to tell about except the part where she's tortured by her father (which was incorporated in the story very well by the way =D), the rest was just a summery of her life. I know that it can't be easy to shorten it further but I just felt that I should tell you about it =)
On the other hand I actually really like your idea. The HP books have been only about the magic in Britain mostly and I always wondered how the other countries handled their magicians. Guess not that well, eh? =P By the way, I know she's in Ecuador but isn't every country supposed to have Ministry and a school? I just wanna know why you didn't send her to any magical school. =)
The next part, where she tells Nando about herself was very well written. There was only one slight problem. There were a few parts where you described both Laia's and Fernando's feelings in alternating paragraphs. It's not wrong but it's not the right way either. I mean the transition between the point of views wasn't smooth and for a moment there I wasn't even sure whose thoughts were whose.. I hope you know what I mean.
Over to characterisation: To be honest I wasn't really able to decipher Laia's character completely in this chapter. I know that she's determined and now she hates Muggles and is probably going to be extremely powerful because of her ability to do wandless magic but other than that, I didn't see anything significant to her character. But for some reason I though that this was a good thing. I mean, it was good that you didn't reveal all of her in this chapter entirely. It would've made the prospect of finding out more about her less interesting =P
Overall, a good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading ahead and I really wanna see how you make this Draco/OC. =) Report Review
Please update soon :p Please i´m loving this so much!!!
Why malfoy is so cute and such a jerk?? But I really love Malfoy ;p
She need to leave Seamus and go to Draco :) And draco need to leave Pansy, she is so annoying, I HATE HER! And Lucios grrr he is so terrible who can he do such things , he raped her when she was so young...
( I´m portuguese so don´t pay attencion to my spelling mistakes :p) XD Report Review
cant wait for the next chapterAuthor's Response: Should be a couple more up there! And thanks so much for reading! xoxox Report Review
Why isn't she healing herself! Agh! She never even has a chance to heal on her own!Author's Response: ...so, thanks for the reviews :) Hope you keep reading, xoxox. Report Review
Lucius Malfoy NO! Grrr he's so nasty.Author's Response: And as I'm sure you can tell... this story started off much, much darker than where it has ended up. I'm actually quite glad people have managed to get through the first few without being totally turned off... Report Review
I'm liking it so far! And yep, stupid muggles. And for that matter, stupid parents. I can't believe people would do that to their child.Author's Response: Oh, the early chapters. To be fair, they were only doing what they thought would keep their family safe. Turns out it backfired, but you know... Report Review
please update soon!
I really this story((:Author's Response: Next one's in the queue :) xoxox Report Review
I love how Draco can be really sweet one second and then the next he's a jerk. I can see that... Oh man, poor Laia! Draco needs to come to his senses and treat her right lol I love this :]Author's Response: As always, thanks for reading! xoxox Report Review
I loved it! Please update soon!Author's Response: Thanks for the love! And keep checking back, because I'm planning to get all my updates up to date this summer! Lots more of Laia to come :) Report Review
“Wait a second now, don’t go all Harry Potter on me.”
That was really funny. So my sister and I both squealed when we saw that your story was updated. Why, you ask? Because we love this story. I'm so happy you updated again!! I love how the chapter titles are songs lol and I can't wait for the next chapter(s), I hope it's Draco who sent her that parchment! (;Author's Response: Thanks for reading (and loving and messaging)!! I've got this one written 80 chapters, and I've started on the sequel, so don't you worry - there are lots more updates to come! Next one is in the queue already :) Report Review
awesome story! please write more!!! Report Review
loved it! make more please! Report Review
I love this story! You're on eof the only people that actually keep Draco as he really is! You're an awesome writer and update soon! thanks! Report Review
My sister is CRAZY about this story (and so am I ;) so please keep writing! This is truly amazing!! (: Report Review
I absolutely LOVE this! I love how Draco calls her "tiger." Write more, soon! (: Report Review
I've just read all of this on a tiny phone screen and I'm completely hooked. I didn't really like it to begin with but you write really well and I love it.
Hope to get to read about her going to Hogwarts and her and Draco's relationship progressing!
Update soon please, I may have a breakdown if you don't.
Lily ^_^ Report Review
very good, keep writing Report Review
I like it so far. The whole internal pressure and hatred...it's an interesting read. Report Review
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