Reading Reviews for Alice In Weasley Land
  
108 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Doc Potter Questions of Character

28th December 2011:
Good things come to those who wait, and check stories infrequently :)

Author's Response: hahaha yes! and I promise, I haven't abandoned this, I will be coming back to it again!

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Review #2, by Chocolate Muffin Running Out of Time

28th August 2011:
I loved it.

In the next chapter will we be seeing Alice move in with Charlie? I'd like to see the rest of the Weasley's reaction to that.

In one of your paragraphs you put: 'My sentenced was cut off by him running over to her, grabbing my neck, and pushing his lips against mine.' Most of this is in first person, but 'running over to her' is in third person; should it be 'running over to me'?

Please update soon :D

Author's Response: yes we do! and oops! i'll fix that! thanks so much!

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Review #3, by halfbreed Running Out of Time

18th August 2011:
Ah I love this so much! I'm super happy you're writing it again; please keep going! Oh, it's just so wonderful and addicting. I love Alice's character, and especially that line at the end of this chapter, how she didn't even really think of Bill and Charlie as brothers. I can't wait for the next chapter, I'm literally holding in a squeal of delight. It's just so interesting the way you're doing it, so awesome to read. I grinned like mad when Charlie kissed her, I'm telling you! :P

Oh sorry for this rambling review, I just really love this story and am beyond excited for the next installment!

Author's Response: yay thank you! so excited for the next one, keep reading!

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Review #4, by adluvshp Running Out of Time

16th August 2011:
hey!

wow. a brilliant chapter like always. i really enjoyed this especially the kiss between charlie n alice.
this was kinda with what is happening with her.
but anyways i m looking forward to the next chp.
this is going good. i hope she chooses charlie!

Author's Response: thank you so much!

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Review #5, by adahpfan Running Out of Time

16th August 2011:
Wow, that was a good chapter! I can't wait to find out what Alice does, and which brother she'll choose, I'm for Charlie, because he needs her... It's strange having it from her POV, because normally, if I were reading a story from Bill, or Charlie's then I'd be completely against her, but reading it from hers, I'm not that much...
10/10 and I can't wait for an update!
Ada/BB4L

Author's Response: thank you so much! hopefully I'll kick one out soon!

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Review #6, by I Heart Fictoinal people Questions of Character

5th August 2011:
It's really good! The tattoo scene made me laugh. I don't really know which brother she should be with... Maybe Charlie and her kiss and it's the exact opposite of Bill's? And by that I mean steamy, in case I confused you there (I confused myself! Hmm, maybe I shouldn't describe things...) I really don't know... It could go either way.
Post more soon, please!

Author's Response: haha yes, I like how there completely different, and so doesn't alice! more to come, i promise! perhaps later this week! thank you!

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Review #7, by adluvshp Questions of Character

4th August 2011:
Ad here again.

Another awesome chapter. I liked the bonding between Bill and Alice, it was nice and warm. Also the tattoo thing was amusing.

I also liked that Charlie talked to Alice about it and is on his road to recovery. It is good really. And as much as I like Bill, I think I want alice to be with charlie! :D

And if they live together, it is going to be awesome!

and OMG, Alice stole? Man, I hope she doesn't get into trouble, but she's human after all. And stressed.

Anyways, great chapter all in all. A very nice read.

I am looking forward to future chapters.

10/10

cheers!
AD

~

End of an Era Review Extravaganza: House Cup 2011

Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: Slytherin

Author's Response: thank you so much for all your nice reviews! im excited to put up more!

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Review #8, by adluvshp Leaving

4th August 2011:
AD here again.

Nice chapter. I really liked reading this. Your writing style to describe the flying scene was quite good. Though I found a mistake:

“Flying.” He said it so simply that I turned and stared. Flying, like on a broom? She had seen it before, of course." This entire paragraph you have switched to "she" - third person when your entire story is being narrated in first person. You're only supposed to use I, me, myself etc. Make sure you correct that!

Rest, all was well. I like how things are brewing up with Bill too. He seems good.

I wonder how Alice is going to deal with Charlie now.

All in all, a good chapter. I liked it.

Your story is just improving as you go on!

9/10

cheers!
AD

~

End of an Era Review Extravaganza: House Cup 2011

Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: Slytherin

Author's Response: thank you so much! and oops! I have to fix that. First person I always want to switch because im so used to third. I'll work on it, thank you!

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Review #9, by adluvshp Free Falling

4th August 2011:
hey! AD here again.

Wow, I am liking the direction in which the story is going. And it is good t see Charlie improving.

I am kind of confused with the Bill-Alice-Charlie thing now though I guess that is what you intend to do. It makes for an intriguing plot.

The story is flowing smoothly and the pacing is good, characterization development there too, so good job!

What a bad thing happened to poor Charlie, I feel so bad for him after hearing the story. but I think and hope he'll recover. Bill seems good though somehow I like charlie more :D

Great going!

cheers!
AD

~

End of an Era Review Extravaganza: House Cup 2011

Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: Slytherin

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really appreciate you taking time out to review for me ^_^ im glad you think its all going well so far, can't wait for the next part!

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Review #10, by adluvshp One Weasley Short

4th August 2011:
hey there! AD here.

Well this was a nice chapter too, though kind of slow. It was good to see the relationship between the Weasleys and Alice. I sense a one-sided crush from Bill on Alice :P I think the story is going in a good direction. Your writing is good that readers are left to wonder what is going on with Charlie as you're peeling off information step by step.

Good plot-building here. I am curious to see where Alice takes charlie.

10/10

cheers!
AD

~~~

End of An Era Review Extravaganza (House Cup 2011)

Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: Slytherin

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have the issue of doing slow chapters than ridiculously fast ones, but im working on it! thank you so much!

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Review #11, by adluvshp Just Alice.

4th August 2011:
hello there.

I am finally here with your review. Sorry it took me so long!

Well this story seems nice. Interesting I should say.

I like Alice's characterization, she seems nice and all, just don't make her a Mary-Sue because no one is entirely perfect. but so far, I see good :)

I like how you've added the air of mystery around Charlie, makes the readers wonder what is up with him.

The story overall seems interesting, your grammar and everything looks fine, and the plot and scene setting so far is nicely done. So I don't find any faults :)

Good job!

10/10

Moving on to the next chapter,

Cheers!
AD

~~~

End of An Era Review Extravaganza (House Cup 2011)

Forum Name: AditiDraco95
House: Slytherin

Author's Response: thank you so much! cant wait to read your next review :)

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Review #12, by overdose x3 Questions of Character

1st August 2011:
KATIE. OMG. KATIE. YOU'RE BACK AND I LOVE YOU.

Author's Response: AH! COURTNEY! omg i missed you. love you too!

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Review #13, by Chocolate Muffin Questions of Character

28th July 2011:
I love Alice :)
I think I'd like to see her with Bill, mainly because I think they sound like they go so well together :) Are they going out now, though, you know because they kissed and everything?
Please update soon ;D
P.S; I've added your story to my favourites :)

Author's Response: thank you so much! haha you will see in the next question! thank you so much!

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Review #14, by StEpH_M One Weasley Short

26th July 2011:
So, I was looking through my word documents and found reviews for all your chapters that I hadn't put up yet. My bad, so I am doing them now!

Your OC is a lovely character, she is so kind and honest that I don't think anyone could hate her, she is one of those people who you just want to get to know and become friends with and you really give her great depth and explain her personality extremely well without making it to dull and long.

I like how at the start you don't spend too much time on what she is doing before Molly arrives. You just explain it briefly and jump right into what you actually wanted to establish in this chapter. I also love how you made Charlie drunk. It is not something I really pictured him doing, Bill yes Charlie no, but it works :).

It made me laugh that Molly just levitated Charlie out of the place that Alice works. You got Molly's personality down really well. The way she is always worrying and being kind and thoughtful :)
So... all I can say is... Does Bill have a thing for Alice? Cause he likes starring. :)

Ok so I have some things you may want to fix up... I know it may be annoying but it will make your story flow better.
'I figured it was either Mr. Berkman to complain about overcharging or realizing that he had forgotten something,' it would be better if you went 'I figured it was Mr. Berkman either back to complain about being overcharged or realized that he had forgotten something'
Also
'I felt like I was intruding in on a family situation at this moment, a family situation.' I think it would be better if it went 'I felt like I was intruding on a family situation.' You repeat family situation and it seems strange.

Otherwise amazing story, keep it up :)

~ Steph ~

Author's Response: awe no problem! thanks for coming back to do them! thank you! that is such a compliment, because writing characters who were in jkr's work a lot is really hard for me, because im so afraid to get their personalities wrong. Oops! I'm so repetitive! i will fix those things right up. Thank you so much for your help! ^_^

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Review #15, by FitzedOut14 Questions of Character

25th July 2011:
Charlie Charlie Charlie!

Author's Response: haha I might be rooting for him a bit too ;) thanks for the review!

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Review #16, by adahpfan Questions of Character

24th July 2011:
Hi, it's Buckbeak4Life from the forums, here with your requested review- first let me give my apologies for it taking so long, my computer kept crashing and deleting the review. Anyhow, here it is...
Characterization: it's all very believable, and I can imagine characters doing the things that you say they do, however we haven't got much of the deeper side of things, their personalities. Alice, for example, says a lot more things than she explains, so she'll kiss Bill, but we don't know how she's feeling at that point. Just a little more description will the a world of difference.

Grammar: in all the beta'd chapters it's perfect, however I've noticed a few small issues in the other ones, mostly it's just the odd misspelt word, however in one case you entirely switched from first person to third person (this was when they were playing Quidditch), other than that it's just a few slightly missed out words and the odd missed out comma.

Flow: I seem to be saying this a lot in reviews, and maybe it's just me, but a lot of the sentence seem to be either long and rambling, or short and choppy. It's good to have a mix of short and complex sentence, however shortening the longer ones, and fitting them in between the shorter ones would make it a lot nicer a read. Here's an example:
I couldn't help but laugh. What I wouldn't give to be a Weasley. I said that to Bill too, and he just smiled. Not a sad smile, however, or a pitying one. Just a smile, like he was happy to know that there were people who wanted to be in his family. COULD BE: I couldn't help but laugh, what I wouldn't give to be a Weasley... I said that to Bill too, and he just smiled, not a sad smile, however, or a pitying one. Just a smile. A smile like he was happy to know that there were people who wanted to be in his family.

Plot: can't fault you! It's original, enjoyable and I honestly can't wait to find out what happens. Sometimes things happen a little rapidly and I sort of lose track as I'm reading it of what's going on, but that's outed by the great story line. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

In general: a brilliant read, with a few mistakes which can be sorted out with a beta.

8/10 and added to favourites. :)

adahpfan

Author's Response: thank you so much! You're so right about everything. First of all, I'm looking for a beta. Badly. Because I clearly need one. So hopefully that will all be taking care of! Secondly, I'm so glad you like it, but the errors are there, and I will definitely try to fix flow and pace, and details. I prefer action to description, but I need to work on it! So thank you so much!

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Review #17, by muinthil One Weasley Short

21st July 2011:
I got my questions answered! I love that Alice is not the cliche Mary Sue OC. She is quite different. She didn't attend Hogwarts yet was able to teach herself some magic through books. She is different but not too over the top. Your story flows nicely and I am definitely hooked!

10/10

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Haha yes i need to edit more details into chapter one to make it make more sense. but thank you again!

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Review #18, by muinthil Just Alice.

21st July 2011:
I really like the start to the story. It is a great introduction to your character. I can't help but wonder, if she knows the Weasley's was she in the same year as Ron or is she older? I'm also wondering where in the canon timeline the story takes place? Guess I will have to keep reading to find out!! Great job!
10/10

Author's Response: thanks so much!

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Review #19, by Deltaris Questions of Character

21st July 2011:
I really liked this one. Charlie is finally opening up, which is fantastic and doesn't seem rushed at all. Bill seems so sweet here too, I like it. They all seem like themselves, but without the weight of the war, which is really the only time we've ever been given a chance to really see the older Weasleys.

Oh my word, Alice! I can't believe she did that. It, somehow, doesn't seem out of character for her though. As she said, the stress, it can do crazy things.

Author's Response: thank you so much for the review! im glad you find them all to be in character, because I worry about it at times. But yet, thank you I'm so glad you think so! And yes, poor Alice has turned bad. Hopefully she'll find her way back! Thank you again for the review!

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Review #20, by Deltaris Leaving

21st July 2011:
"not having my own antidote about my father" - anecdote is the word I believe you meant.

"He said it so simply that I turned and stared. Flying, like on a broom? She had seen it before, of course, she was a witch, but never had she done it. The orphanage didn't have enough money to provide brooms, and she never really knew any kids her age who offered to let her have a go on their broom. Until now, that was." - you switch tenses here. The rest of the story is in first person.

"I let my hands go and threw her hands out" - you do it again here. Make sure you watch for things like this when you're proofing (:

Other than those and a few minor errors, this was a pretty good chapter. I feel like we got to see a different side of Alice and Charlie here, and I loved the interaction with Bill. I get the feeling that there is going to be some brotherly competition for the girl. Just be careful to avoid cliches ;)

Author's Response: thank you os much! haha the cliches here are endless, but no worries I think I have an original story line set up ^_^ If I start to cliche, though, let me know! thank you so much!

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Review #21, by Deltaris Free Falling

21st July 2011:
This is very interesting. I'm glad that Alice got Charlie out of the bar, but even more glad that it really didn't do much for him. He went back into hiding and drinking as soon as they got back to the Burrow. Healing takes time, and I'm relieved to see that you're giving him that time, not having Alice be the cliche 'savior of his life' character.

Author's Response: Yes, Charlie is going to be a long road to recovery, so no worries on that! Even if some chapters he seems like he is doing better, he'll fall back down again in others. thank oy!

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Review #22, by Deltaris One Weasley Short

21st July 2011:
"I felt like I was intruding in on a family situation at this moment, a family situation." - again, the awkward repetition.

"more money issues.." - just an extra period.

Aww, ickle Ronnikins. Now we have a time setting for the story. I had assumed post-war, what with Molly saying Charlie had been having a rough time.

Well, at least the connection to the Weasleys is clear now. I'm a little curious as to why she didn't go to Hogwarts - Dumbledore has always made his best effort to make sure everyone able could go, regardless of finances.

Haha, I love Ginny here. She's so in character, good job.

The chapter flowed between scenes nicely, it was easy to follow and quite smooth in transition. The conversation that Alice overhears has piqued my interest, what's going on with Charlie? And where is Alice taking him?

This seems like it's going to be a sweet story.

Author's Response: YAY. i'm so glad someone picked up on the Hogwarts backstory. Dumbledore would want someone to go, unless there was a reason he thought they shouldn't be there ;) so there's more to that! Thank you so much!

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Review #23, by Deltaris Just Alice.

21st July 2011:
"And I liked that. I liked being in a small town where everyone knew everyone. And I liked that. Small town where everyone knew everyone." - The repetition is awkward here. It's the only mistake I noticed grammar/spelling wise, so that's good (:

This is very interesting. The only canon experience we have with an orphanage is with little Tom Riddle, and this seems a lot better than that.

I'm a little confused about Alice's connection with the Weasley's however. The mention of them, and Charlie, seem to be just thrown in. I, honestly, wouldn't have pictured Alice as a witch before their name was mentioned. Hopefully things make more sense later on.

I did like this chapter, despite my confusion. It was well written, and I feel like I've gotten a good feel for Alice. She seems like the kind of girl you meet and talk to once, but always remember has having liked her, you know?

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm so bad with repeating things, I seriously have to work on it. I should have thrown more in with the first chapter about the weasleys and how they react with alice.

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Review #24, by m_vicky Questions of Character

21st July 2011:
Alright,I think I want her to be with Charlie, I always had a crush on him. But you do portay Bill in a very good way, first time I like him that much.I love that triangle of yours, it's quite original as your whole plot.Interesting story, good work. Update soon!

Author's Response: thank you so much! haha I know, I don't know which brother I want her to be with either! such difficulties (: Thanks so much for the review, and I will!!

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Review #25, by Susie Foo Questions of Character

20th July 2011:
Still keeping an eye out! :) Keep writing!

Author's Response: YAY! ANOTHER PERSON WHO IS STILL HERE! im so glad! thank you so much, i will!

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