hey here with your requested review!

okay i must admit im kind of confused, and i think it is because this was rather disjointed. i get the overall feel of the story but, and im not trying to sound harsh, i really suggest getting a beta reader. grammatically, there are many many errors, and it does make it difficult to read because the flow of your words gets tangled up.

your sentences are sometimes too long - try fragmenting them. for instance, "Her grey eyes scanned the spider in front of her, talking to her like the big bad wolf did to little red riding hood, bravery had never been her forte although she was never scared but when a rather large obnoxious spider comes upon you, wouldn’t you dear reader be scared?"

That is a really long sentence - it needs to be broken up ^_^

another thing i noticed - twice i think it was - your narrator suddenly 'speaks' to the reader. im wondering why you did that, because it was oddly distracting and sort of pulled me out of the plot and away from the characters.

so that is my first suggestion.

onto the characters - i'm not sure i fully understood them. you said this has a companion piece? perhaps they are better explained in there. one thing i suggest you do to create more rounded characters is to work on showing and not telling - you can do this by simply describing things about them, like their expressions, instead of leaving it up to dialogue.

also, physical descriptions - you tended to use the same phrases over and over ie god-like teenager. as a reader, i would like more ^_^

i hope this wasn't too harsh hun - you have the basis for something really interesting here.

Maji

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Ooh, this was very interesting and the descriptions were brilliant! I was able to picture it prefectly in my head.

Author's Response: Thank you Lee ^_^ I tried to be descriptive, so i am glad it worked. :D

Lore

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Oooh. I honestly think this is better than The Sound of Silence. Really great imagery, and a great way for them to meet =]
For critique, I still think you can work on your dialogue, an example of what I mean is: 'I'm not someone to mess with I am all bad.'
Try saying that out loud. Actually, that's a really good way to check your stories, just read them out to yourself.
Also I think you say god-like boy a bit too much. Just careful about the repetition.
Really nice one-shot Lore! XD

Author's Response: Yay thanks Jack i know it has a lot more descriptions in it than tSoS and not as much dialogue. I will read my stories out loud thanks for the tip hun and i will get a beta still . I will delete some of the god-like lol thanks so much for the review ily!

Lore

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