Wow, that was great! Very deep. For something that's out of your comfort zone, I think you did a very good job on this. It took me a while to realise whom Draco was talking to, even though it should've been obvious when Myrtle talked about the big yellow eyes. For the biggest part of the first part of the story I was even wondering if Draco was dead too, for some reason. Kind of bad.
The characterisation of Myrtle seems very realistic. She acted just like I expected her to. Draco was great as well. You could really feel his fear and his anguish. The 'You reckon my aunt owls me every time she goes to kill?' had me laughing at first too, but it's not hard to understand that it's not meant to be funny.
Crabbe reading the comic book reminded me of CoS, actually, where Draco comments that he didn't even know Crabbe and Goyle could even read - though this might not even have been a reference to that.
Draco's nightmare really sounded like a nightmare. It seems like a realistic dream for him to have during his sixth year, with all the pressure Voldemort was putting on him, and the cabinet that wouldn't budge. It's very sad indeed that he can't tell anyone, except for Myrtle, about those nightmares, and what he's going through. His outburst near the end seemed realistic as well; he thinks about death more than an average sixteen-year-old should, and it's starting to consume him. The fact that feels all alone won't help much either.
All in all, I think this was a very good story! :D Report Review
That was beautiful!
It was really strong and...deep :)
you should be pretty darn proud!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I do like this a bit more than some of my other pieces, and even if not proud, I'm definitely don't outright hate it. Which, to me, is a good thing, I guess.
Thanks again. Report Review
that was incredible! very powerful, and the voice was strong and convincing. the short sentances you used were effective and your style is very unique. great job on portraying the bond between myrtle and draco.Author's Response: Glad you find the voice to be strong. Funny you should comment on the style, given that this isn't quite my usual style. My signature style is turning out to be something horribly poetic, turgid and a horrid epigone. So perhaps the fact this ISN'T my usual style works in its favour. :)
Thanks so much for reviewing. Report Review
Truly, Absolutley, Bloody Amazing.Author's Response: Why, thanks. :) Report Review
Okay, this was really really good.
Usually I skip right past Draco stories, b/c I don't really like him, but this I loved this story and how you gave insight into his inner struggle and made me feel sorry for him without him beign at all out of character. I loved how you showed ther relationship between him and Myrtle, and how you showed how scared he was. You're writing style is great, and I'm so glad I didn't skip past this story.
(Wow I don't usually write reviews this long.)
10/10Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review. :) I don't like Draco overmuch either; he's not really a sympathetic character, is he? I don't feel sorry for him, however I think I can understand his fear and his despondency. It was a strange story for me to write, not least because this stripped down minimalistic style is not my forte. I only wanted to experiment.
Thanks again for the review. Report Review
Woah, that was great! I loved how Draco seemed- well, you now, all tortured soul and what not. I also loved how you described the relationship between him and Myrtle. It was amazing.
I loved it :)
Shelby WeasleyAuthor's Response: Hey there,
Thanks first of all, for reviewing. :) I'm very glad you liked the portrayal of Draco. He does seem a bit disturbed, doesn't he? He's in over his head and doesn't know what to do. He has nobody to talk to, and out of desperation seeks solace in Myrtle.
Thanks again for reviewing. :) Report Review
This was an interesting insight into those missing scenes! I liked how you got Draco to relate to Myrtle, becaues I think this was key in him confiding to her, seeing as Draco isn't the most "confiding" of characters I think he'd really need to see himself in someone before opening up to them. I've always found him emotionally restricted, so it interesting to see how normal he behaved with his friends. I reckon you got him pretty well in this story.
His nightmare was pretty creepy, and I think this added a reality to his fears about Voldemort. :)
I enjoyed this story, great job!
10/10Author's Response: Hey,
Thanks so much for the review. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to it, but life has been crazy and I didn't want to leave a one line response to this review.
You're quite right, Draco isn't the most confiding of characters, is he? I mean, he's not the kind of bloke who'll have a heart-to-heart with a ghost. I think it was instrumental in showing how disturbed he is. He fears Voldemort and he's really het-up being he's not able to sort out the cabinet. And of course, he fears that he'd be killed if he doesn't do it quickly enough. I hope I captured his terror and his desperation well enough.
Thanks again for the review. :)
Wow! I really like it... It's kind of like he's helpless. I've never seen him portrayed so... damaged. It's kind of... unnerving but still incredibly amazing to read. I really cant put it into words! Amazing...Author's Response: Thanks for the review. And I'm so sorry for this very dilatory reply.
Yes, he is helpless, isn't he? It was the darkest period of Draco's life, and the fact that he was going to Moaning Myrtle for comfort says alot.
Thanks again for the review. Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review as requested! Sorry for the extensive delay :]
Okay, so at first I was thinking, "No description? None?" But as I got further into the piece, I realized that this didn't need any description. And let me tell you, that takes a lot for me to say something like that, especially since I'm a huge description freak. Back to point. There was so much said in the dialogue, I swear it took me ten minutes just to let it all soak in and really grasp the underlying symbols, the meaning.
"The storm has been weathered, even if only for today." - You could have wrote that one and only sentence and it would have told me more than you could ever know. I love it that you've left most everything open to interpretation. It takes a fair amount of intellect to really...'get it'. It takes a true author to bring across such beautiful symbolism in a piece of almost complete dialogue.
Your characterization of Draco was top-notch. You captured him perfectly and I find that amazing. Draco's complexity was clearly portrayed in this piece. I applaud you and this was one story I will never forget.
Absolutely excellent, 10/10
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Hullo Shelby,
First off, I'm so very sorry I've taken so long to respond to this. I just completely forgot about this fic. Strange, but true.
I'm a sucker for description too. I mean, sometimes I feel it's pure self-indulgence, but I do like to write description. But I felt descriptions, however much I like it, would bog this story down. I thought the dialogue itself speaks a lot, as it were, and adding unnecessary dialogue tags or descriptions would've taken away the spotlight from what is important.
I'm so glad you 'got it', because I'm sure not many people would have. But that was a risk I was willing to take. I'm so thrilled that you thought Draco's characterisation was good. It was a bit different writing him, but gratifying in the end.
Thanks again for such a lovely review. And once again, I'm very sorry for this punishably belated response.
- Renee Report Review
Very nicely written. I liked it a lot. 10/10Author's Response: Why, thank you. :) Report Review
I'll be honest. I hate Draco Malfoy, but I truly enjoyed this very, very much. I thought you brought a lot of humanity to his character and made him someone I could be very sympathetic towards - not that I didn't have sympathy for him in the books, too; this just brought that sympathy up to a higher level. Love the title, too.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. :)
The reason why I think you could sympathise with Draco was because I didn't romanticise him; my portrayal of him was ruthlessly honest. He is not a very nice person, which is evident in his attitude towards Myrtle. But he is terrified; like JKR said, after having talked the talk for so many years, when he is finally asked to walk it, he realises that it's not a walk in the park. His first brush with reality, one could say.
Thanks again for the review. :) Much appreciated. Report Review
Wow. Holy effing. I don't even know. How am I supposed to...? That was awesome. Arite, lemme gather myself here.
I am so impressed with the way you wrote this. Everything is very choppy and short, but I felt it flowed that way. The opening was one of the best I've ever seen. It caught my attention right away, and thank you for not bogging me down with silly dialogue tags. That's another thing: you get right to the point with this story, which I greatly appreciate. And this it the type of story where too much dilly-dallying will ruin it. So it's good that you understood that. This piece was very enjoyable.
The fact that Draco is having this conversation with Myrtle is very unique, if I may. I have never seen anything like this, but I like it. I love the relationship between Myrtle and Draco here. It's interesting that Myrtle can't see right away that Draco would be the one that makes fun of people, instead of the victim. Not interesting in a bad way. It's actually quite refreshing. Because in my opinion, Myrtle is all about first impressions. She liked Draco right away and therefore wanted to get to know him better. That's very good. It made the story easy to get into.
Overall, this piece is immaculate. I really really loved it. This is truly and art piece. Good job.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Wow. Thanks for such an amazing review. Art piece?o_O Thanks!! *blush*
I thought excessive descriptions and dialogue tags would only make this piece protracted. Also, generally I have issues with first-person fics. Maybe it's just me, but when I read first person, I want to be directly in the head of the person. I want to know his thoughts just as they are, without the frills of a narrative attached to it. Barring the 'I', if first person reads verbatim like third person, it defeats the purpose of first person. I know it's strange, but I'm weird that way.
I'd like to think that Myrtle and Draco hit off right away. Myrtle would have loved company of any sort, and the only person Draco could confide in was Myrtle. Maybe it's because he knows that his secret is safe with her seeing as how she's prety much ostracised by the rest of the school.
Thanks again for the review. :)
Renee Report Review
Wow, I think you've really got a great premise/idea to work with.
Congratulations for managing to write first person - and a depressing one at that - without seeming completely overwhelmed and neglecting the character to portray the emotion.
You had a couple of random phrasings, errors that caught my attention, but nothing major:
Her attempt at being mysterious is so pathetic it isnít true. - So it isn't true? Maybe funny would work better than true.
And a couple others, but it's no big deal.
I like the way you incorporate his feelings of revulsion towards Myrtle, but at the same time, he's feelings to lonely and hurting so bad, that he can't help but appreciate her company. I think that shows more than anything else, just how troubled he is.
About the title, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Tourmente also means torment/turmoil, so I think you chose a strong title.
Great job! I really liked this, and I think you were very successful stepping out of your comfortable writing style. Awesome!Author's Response: Thanks so much for such an amazing review. You do some of the best reviews, you know. :D
I'm relieved to know that I didn't completely bodge up the first person narrative. I know exactly what you mean by 'neglecting the character to portray the emotion.' That's one of the main issues I have with first person. The emotions always seem so... pronounced, so clear. Rarely in reality are our emotions so well-articulated, even in our mind. It's usually a blur. I wanted to capture that mindscape, where not everything is clear and categorised.
You nailed it. Yes, what was what I was going for. He is repulsed by her, but at the same time he needs someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't judge him or laugh at him. He is very disturbed, very troubled.
The title was given to me by marina (tell_me_what_the_truth_is on the forums). It was written for a challenge. I'm no great shakes at French so I'm not quite sure what it means, but I was told it translates into 'The storm.' But I'm pleased you think it is a strong one.
Thanks for the wonderful review. Stepping out of my confort zone is not something I prefer doing (seeing as how it took me a great deal of time to settle into said comfort zone), but I'm glad it worked for you.
I thought that was just brilliant, actually. Your characterisation of Draco and Myrtle were excellent, and I even liked the snapshots we saw of Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle. I loved the way it was written - I completely adore your writing style. 10/10Author's Response: Why, thanks. :) This was an experiment of sorts, so I'm glad you liked it. Though personally I would have liked it to be longer, but I didn't to draw it out.
Anyway, thanks again for the review. Report Review
Hello there, dear! I'm here with your review!
Wow. So excellent story. Myrtle was a very interesting take on the subject. You really made it your own story. everything was so unique.
The layout was a little difficult to manage though. At the beginning, the spacing made it intriguing with all the big spaces and short dialogue. It was an excellent way to pull the reader in, but then it just becamse confusing with so much spacing and using " ' quote ' " was very confusing. Maybe I could suggest actually using quotations in your next story. It just makes things easier.
But overall this was an excellent story. I feel like descriptions lacked slightly, but I really really enjoyed this. Completely its own. I couldn't ever find a story like this anywhere else. ;)
9/10Author's Response: Thank you, thank you so much for the review. And I'm so sorry I couldn't respond to it earlier.
I understand what you mean about the layout, and it's not my style to write it this way. This was, as I've said, an experiment of sorts. I use the single quotation (')mark instead of the more traditional double quotation mark ("), but that's how I learnt it, and that's how it's used in a lot of books (HP books UK edition for instance). But yes, I know what you mean when you say it is slightly confusing, especially for those who're accustomed to seeing/using the double quotation mark.
The descriptions... I know it lacked descriptions, and it was consciously written that way. I'm a sucker for description, but I deemed it appropriate to dispense with unnecessary descriptions in this fic. My reasoning is that since it's written in first person, I wanted to only project the character's thoughts as it would play out in his mind. Because otherwise, I felt that the fic would've read exactly the same had it been written in third person. If it had been written in third person, I would've described the bathroom, the Slytherin common room, Draco's appearance, Myrtle's appearance etcetera. But since this was written purely from Draco's POV, I didn't think Draco would, you know, think about what the bathroom or the Common Room looks like. That's only my personal take though. :)
Thanks for the insightful review, and once again, I apologise for this very dilatory response.
I really enjoyed this! You've got him stricken with fear, and the way the dialogue on his part was a bit clipped, as well as his thoughts, made it clear that he can't think as well as he normally would.
I love how you included Myrtle in this, and you added in a couple things to lighten the mood a little for the audience, even if it didn't do so for Draco. She's an awesome character to play around with.
There were no grammar issues :] but I think a little bit more description would've been beneficial to really help the audience visualize what was going on: I had a really good audio of it playing, but I just kind of used what I thought might be the right place from other sources.
Lovely job! Keep up the good work!
-JillAuthor's Response: Thanks Jill, for the wonderful review. I'm so sorry I couldn't respond to it earlier, but I was swamped with work and had no time whatsoever.
I understand what you mean about the lack of descriptions, but it was consciously written that way. I set out to project Draco's thoughts EXACTLY as they would play out in his mind. I didn't want to weigh the fic down with descriptions. It sounded very weird to me when I wrote descriptive sentences like 'the dull green lights of the Slytherin common room imposed upon the place a look of desolete gloom.' I mean, that would read all right in third person, but in first person, it didn't sound right. Maybe it's just me; I have my own issues with first person narratives and am more comfortable writing third person. Funnily, even second person is easier for me to write than first person.
Thanks again for the review, and I'm sorry again that I couldn't respond to it earlier.
So, I was pleasantly surprised to see that you'd written a new one-shot, and for Marina's challenge, and with Draco, so naturally I had to read it, and I have to review it now. Here I go, then.
I loved the idea, the four snapshots into Draco's torment and tempest. Really, you worked in the title wonderfully. It was subtle, but clear enough. I also really liked that this was Draco at his most vulnerable, with a wonderful glimpse into his relationship with Myrtle, which I don't think is explored very well in fanfic, so kudos for that. Myrtle was characterized splendidly, and Blaise, Crabbe, and Goyle were nice supporting characters. Draco's fear is very well described, especially the third part, the nightmare, which confused me but I'm stupid like that, and once I got it... well, you know. Very chilling, very heartfelt.
You said you went out of your comfort zone in writing this, and honestly, I can tell. The first person worked, for the most part, but my personal problem was that nearly every line in this story was its own paragraph. You and I know there's nothing technically wrong with that, but it got boring after a while. One-line paragraphs are used for the effect that comes with a shift like that, but using them every.single.time. diminishes that effect and I'm not sure it worked in your favor by the time the story concluded. I understand what you were going for, but it just felt really... choppy. By all means, sprinkle a story with powerful one-liners, but this seemed just too much, you know? That said, this was a very bare-boned fic; I liked the idea, but knowing what you're capable of doing, this didn't feel like the very best you could have done.
So basically, I liked it, but not as much as I expected to upon seeing this fic in the first place. Hope my ramblings were the least bit coherent ^_^Author's Response: First off gubby, I'm so sorry for this punishably belated response. I've been so busy, but that's no excuse...
I'm so relieved that the title seemed apt. Initially, I was thinking about writing a Peter Pettigrew fic, just after the murders of the Potters and the Muggles, when Wormtail goes to the Weasleys. His guilt, his cowardice... But then I changed my mind and wrote Draco. It was the banner; I wanted to have this banner!
I know what you mean when you say the nightmare was confusing. Part of it is in past tense and part in present. I was a little confused when I was writing it too. Had to reread it a couple of times to figure out what was happening! That happens sometimes, when fics sort of write themselves.
And yes, I understand what you feel about the choppiness. When I read it after it was validated, I hated it! Like, totally! (lol) But sadly, that was how I had intended it to be. It's funny and weird, because this is not my best piece of work, not by a long shot. This is not even the way I generally write; it was only an experiment. I love to explore the emotions, am a sucker for description blah blah blah, but this time, for ONCE I wanted to try out a different style. My main issue with first person narrative is that for the most part, it reads exactly like third person narrative. So in this, I only wanted to project Draco's thoughts exactly as they would play out in his mind. No frills whatsoever, no dialogue tags. Also, his thoughts are all over the place; there's no coherency. To capture these disjointed and scattered thoughts, I employed the choppy, blunt sentences.
So basically, I'm not entirely fond of this. Also, I realised that I'm more comfortable when writing in the 'voice' that I've developed. It feels easier and it even reads better.
Thanks for the review, Gubbster. Wish I could leave such good reviews for your fics!
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