Hey I decided to review this one-shot because it is one of my absolute favorites. I love all of your stories but this one was very unpredictable.
I liked how most of it was explanation. Also, I loved how you incorporated Albus into it. Truthfully, I thought it was Albus Dumbledore and when it got to the part about Harry I was like, "Wait what?!" But I loved that it was Albus Potter.
Poor Harry =( The rocky marriage was sad but a good touch.
Overall another awesome story with great characterization.
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked this one. Haha, yeah, the names are kind of confusing sometimes. =P Thank you so much! Report Review
I like this. It's so wonderful. Mental problems hardly ever come up in stories, and I always like when it does. It makes the characters seem really real. XD I love how Albus related Beatice to Harry and just how he acted period. :D
Also, my mother has a mild, mild, mild version of this and it's a bit different the way she reacts to it, but the same on a basic level. It's cool to see another side of bipolar disorder.Author's Response: Thank you! It was quite a challenge writing someone with a mental disorder, but I think it was worth it. Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate it ^_^ Report Review
Hi, Ilia! It's Gubby (at last) with your review :)
I am almost certain that I've read this before. At least the beginning, I'm pretty sure I have. I can't imagine why I never finished until now, so for that, I'm sorry. Now, to make the review make up for that: I really enjoyed this piece, more so than the other one-shot I reviewed, Murder in the Bathroom. Both were unique, but this felt... I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I'm more of a next gen fan and prefer open-ended canon to AU. But I just really liked this one.
Whenever you're dealing with a disease or disorder, it's going to be tough. I applaud you for writing bipolar disorder, and for doing it as well as you did. Beatrice is a compelling character, but even more so when the rage and fury we see in the beginning is contrasted to the placid, "serene" girl in the infirmary. But what I liked was that the focus seemed to be more on Albus, not so much Albus' perception of her or an anonymous third-person observation on the two. I can't say that I agree with your portrayal of Harry, but it's certainly intriguing, different, and not entirely out of canon, considering what we know about his temper. I think he would stop short of hurting anyone he loved, Ginny especially, but that you thought to echo his condition with Beatrice's is quite inventive. And Albus looking in on both of them, dealing with both tempers, isn't quite heartbreaking, nor bittersweet, but it has all of those things together.
The one thing I can advise you about is the first part of the fic, back when we don't realize that this has anything to do with Albus. It felt kind of... colloquial, which doesn't fit your tone in the rest of the piece. It doesn't pop up often, so it's not that bad a thing, but watch out for it just to keep the narration uniform. Here, for example: He wasn’t accustomed to anyone giving him lip. "Giving him lip" isn't something you would see normally in third person narration, and it doesn't fit very well. Same thing goes here: Every time Beatrice had an episode, a guy in the class would nobly take it upon himself... The word "guy" is very colloquial, again, and it kind of breaks up the flow of the otherwise excellent narration. However, that's just me being neurotic, so if you disagree, that's fine; as I said, your narration is impeccable otherwise.
I'm really glad I read this. It's an atypical next gen fic and I was glad to see that you pulled off such a difficult topic. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked this one, though it's a bit disappointing to hear that you didn't care as much for Murder in the Bathroom =P
I don't know anyone with the disease, so I couldn't exactly pull from real life. I had to sort of guess how it must be, which I felt was wrong of me, but I suppose it was okay. I'm glad you liked Beatrice and the way I wrote bipolar disorder in a character. =)
Harry's characterization in this piece is sort of causing a stir within readers. I was merely playing on his temper, because I couldn't see Harry mellowing out completely after the end of the war. I didn't mean to show that he actually hurt Ginny by any means. Thank you for understanding what I was going for by showing Harry in relation to Beatrice's disease. =)
That's an interesting point you make about the voice of this fic. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I'm writing in third person. Formality should be kept in third person, but I guess I need to restrain my own voice a little more. In the second instance you pointed out, I'm interested to see what word you would have chosen. I didn't want to use 'boy' because this person has to be able to carry a girl out of the classroom, and I felt 'man' was too old...
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you like this story and I appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Wow, TwilightPrincess, this one-shot is fantastic
You capture the feelings of both characters well even though it isn't in first person. There are no mistakes or anything I could criticise, really. This would be the perfect story to continue in different POVs - I'm hungry to know about Beatrice/Peaches' lives and why the famous Harry Potter has become so angry and intelligible.
You have a definite air of metaphorical and descriptive language that engage the reader - it was truly a fantastic one-shot.
Deserves this 10/10 I think (",)Author's Response: Thank you! I wasn't sure if it would be too much to show the emotion of the characters like I did, since it was in third person, but it's good to know it worked out well!
It's always tempting to delve deeper into a one-shot and expand it into a longer story, but I think this one is going to stay a one-shot and you'll just have to stay hungry =P
Thank you so much for your awesome review! Report Review
Hey, Leslie from TGS here to review as requested. I really liked this one-shot. The plot was well-written as well as the characterizations, especially the way you've characterized Beatrice "Peaches" Locke. I thought you did a great job really conveying what Bipolar Disorder is by how Beatrice went through each episode in class and then quickly calmed down peacefully once in the Hospital Wing. The only thing that I saw that needs correcting is that Ravenclaw's house colors are blue and bronze, not silver. Overall, great job; 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I really don't know anything about Bipolar Disorder, so writing this was certainly a challenge, but I'm glad to know that you thought it was interesting and well written. Thank you so much! I'll get that fixed. Report Review
Hello there!! I'm here with your review.
I think that this was an interesting and heart-warming peice of writing. I'm slightly in love with Al Potter, so seeing him falling for a nice girl was lovely to play witness to. This piece dealt with a controversial and jagged topic, but I felt that you handled it well. The language surrounding talk of the disease was informal and mirrored the 'rumour'-like talk that must get passed aroung about Beatrice.
Now for some constructive criticism. I do feel that the beginnin of this story is very stiffly written. I don't think that you hit your stride writing till about the middle of the piece. However, once you did, the words flowed together beautifully. I also wasn't that terribly fond of picturing a 'bad-dad' Harry (but that's just a personal opinion). Harry does have a temper, but I'd always hoped that he'd overcome that as a father. That being said, I think that you wrote the environment of the Potter household well. Although Al may have seemed slightly too scared by Harry's temper for a sixteen year old boy.
I love the distinction between Peaches and Beatrice. That was lovely. :) It warmed my heart.
WitnessAuthor's Response: Thank you! I actually have never known anyone personally with this disease, so I just had to go by what I read online about it. In that respect, writing this was a bit of a challenge. But I'm glad you liked it. =)
That's a good point about my writing. It actually does take me a little bit to warm up to the subject. And for the sake of the story, I wanted to present that side of Harry that I thought was there.
Perhaps this wasn't clear but I meant for Al to be remembering Harry's temper when he was a child. I mean, the part where he was scared and remembering how scared he was - that was supposed to be a flashback to when he was a kid.
Thank you so much! ^_^ Report Review
Sorry for the delay on the review request. It was all good, no negative remarks. Good job.Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Aw that was really cute I liked it a lot!Author's Response: Thank you ^_^ Report Review
Different. Not bad in the least. It was kind of simple and sweet. I never really saw Harry as one to have as much rage as you depicted but in the instance of this fic I think it works.Author's Response: Thank you...? XD I didn't mean to show that Harry was some kind of crazed freak, but just that his temper can be scary at times. Thank you! Report Review
At first, I didn't think I'd be able to relate to much in this story, as I don't know anyone with Bipolar Disorder, as far as I'm aware. However, I ended up relating to it more than I thought I would. The thoughts Albus has about his parents fighting, especially his father's behavior, really hit home for me. You described that perfectly. The bit about the Quidditch team getting sick off trick brownies was also a nice little touch; it seemed very Hogwarts-like. I thought the scene between Albus and Beatrice near the end was very sweet, and the difference between the beginning of the chapter and the end really underscored the mood swing Beatrice experienced (if that's the correct terminology). Your descriptive writing makes it so easy to picture the scenes and situations you write about.
I saw a couple of typos. The one I remember for sure is near the top. The professor says "pat attention" instead of "pay attention."Author's Response: Thank you! I have never actually known someone with the disorder in real life. I just googled it XD But I'm really glad you were able to relate to something in this story. Thanks for pointing out that typo. I'll fix it. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Omigosh! This story is so deep! It's- it's- it's amazing! And so sweet.Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
Wow... this was just too amazing for words. I am shocked.
Totally going in my favs!Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
Hi there! Happy to be back =]
Well, once again, I must say that you have a lot of writing talent! This story started out terribly disturbing, grew awfully sad, and ended leaving me with a pleasant feeling?! How did that happen? Well, I suppose it's the mark of a good author, right?
Anyways, I can't really come up with a criticism, although I know they can be helpful... I'd just rather talk about how much I enjoyed this story ;) I think it was quite creative how you paralleled Beatrice's disorder to Harry's temper; it was sad, yes, but creative nonetheless. The ending, too, seemed to close everything perfectly - like a period sitting neatly at the end of a sentence.
So, all in all, bravo! Another great story by Twlight Princess =] I'd be happy to read more of your work at anytime, just let me know!!!
~CBGAuthor's Response: Thank you! Wow, it's so flattering to hear that you think I have talent. XD I can't exactly explain how I did it, but that was my plan so I suppose I did something right. Thank you! It's good that you saw I was paralleling her disorder to Harry's temper - a lot of readers kind of missed that.
Thank you so much! Be careful; I may just take you up on that offer =P Report Review
Wow. I have chills, really I just loved every bit of it.
You captured bipolar distorder with such justice that I fell in love with them.
Harry bipolar? I can see it, but more in a scense dealing with his past demons. Anyway yours is amazing anyhow!
10/10 and I favourited it!Author's Response: Really? Wow, thanks! Glad you liked it. Actually, I didn't mean for it to be interpreted as Harry being bipolar, just that his temper can sometimes get really bad. Thank you so much! Report Review
This was incredible. Lovely, flawless descriptions. Your OC seemed very well developed. I like how you took a muggle disorder -- that no one really in the Wizarding World would know about -- and gave it to her. I loved Albus as well, strikes as exactly the kind of character he would be. Very unique piece. Excellent job 10/10
Femme_Fatale ^_^Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. The bipolar disorder wasn't actually my idea. I got the topic from psychee in her challenge so credit goes to her. Thanks so much! Report Review
This is imagine_the_magic with your requested review! Okay, here goes! First of all, I enjoyed the unique perspective and topic in this one-shot. I thought it was brave to take on such a touchy issue and bring light to it.
One thing I thought was a little off was when Albus was talking about his father's rage. This is Albus Severus, correct? I think perhaps you would have been better off describing someone else's rage as opposed to his father considering that Harry Potter is his father. Perhaps this is mainly opinion, but I don't think Harry would get angry so often. Someone like…like Ron or someone is more likely to explode as you describe and it would make the description of his rage have more weight and impact.
Another thing is to perhaps make it a bit clearer why Albus doesn't recognize Beatrice in the hospital wing. Perhaps mention that he was always used to her face as guarded, almost harsh or twisted with rage, so she was nearly unrecognizable happy and relaxed. That will make it more plausible. Other than that, this was very, very good. I see no glaring grammatical or spelling errors which is a breath of fresh air. Overall, this was a very unique, interesting fic and again I commend you on your brave, delicate use of a new, sensitive topic. Well done!
-imagine_the_magicAuthor's Response: Thank you! I chose Harry to be the example because I always thought he was the one with the worst temper. I'm sorry if that didn't come across the way I wanted it to.
I sort of alluded to that fact in the hospital scene - that Albus didn't recognize her because she's practically a different person when she is going through an episode. Again, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear enough.
Thank you so much for this review. I really appreciate it ^_^ Report Review
Wow. Just... wow.
The beginning was just amazing. I loved the description there. I was completely gripped from the very first sentence.
I also really loved the way you wrote Albus! He's just how I always imagined he would be, actually - kind of quiet, reserved, pretty sweet. Your characterisation of Beatrice was great too.
I liked the parallels between Beatrice and Harry, that was really clever. It also made it easier to connect to Beatrice, in a way - as we understand Harry to an extent, we could understand her on some level as well. I don't know anything about bipolar disorder, but the way you described it seemed very realistic, and I really sympathised with Beatrice.
No criticism at all. I just loved it. The way you write is so beautiful. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. I found Albus difficult to write because I think he's really complex, but it's great to hear that you like the way I portrayed him ^_^
Thank you so much for this great review! I really appreciate it ^_^ Report Review
Wonderful. I was looking through psychee's challenge when I saw what you had been given and when you put up a link I had to read it. Wow. You pictured it so perfect; her episodes, the way everyone would react, the way Albus would feel. I especially like that when he went to see her, he changed his mind and was about to walk away when he was 'forced' to do it anyway. I don't know, it just seems so realistic. And realistic is good. It was great how he didn't even recognize her, and how she was a completely different person. The fact that he thought of her as Peaches when she was... the other person, I suppose, was beautiful. It was really sad, but beautiful. One thing though; even though Harry and Ginny would fight since they're both stubborn and tempramental I doubt Harry would ever throw as much as a pillow at her. But it was a really amazing piece of writing.Author's Response: Thank you! To hear that you think this is realistic is the best compliment I could ever get. Thank you so much. I understand what you mean about Harry throwing a pillow at Ginny, but I am a firm believer that as he gets older, his temper doesn't go away. I was going to have him throw a glass or something but I decided to tone it down =P Thank you so much for this fantastic review ^_^ Report Review
Awe, this is cool -- cute! Actually, he reminds me of Harry...isn't that weird seeing as I only read about Harry?
Anywho, I loved this. You did great!
*100/10.Author's Response: Thank you! He should remind you of Harry - he's Harry's son after all =P Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
Hey there! This is Erised, with your requested review.
What an interesting one-shot! I thought it was very well set out - the plot is interesting and unique (you don't seen many plots concerning bipolar disorder!) I also like how you forged a common link between Beatrice and Albus, despite their vast differences.
As for the technical side of things, your vocabulary is beautiful and the story is easy to read.
I wasn't too sure about Harry's characterisation though - that seemed a little AU for me. I can't imagine him getting into heated rows with Ginny, to be honest. That's just me though :)
Well done with this, it was a lovely piece to read!
PS: The banner made me go 'eep!', haha!Author's Response: Thank you! The bipolar aspect of the story was given to me in the challenge, but it's good to hear that I executed it well. As for Harry, I may have gone a bit overboard, but I don't think I'd go as far as labeling it AU. Harry has always had a strong temper, and I didn't think it should end with Ginny. Thank you so much for reviewing. I really appreciate your comments. And thanks for the comment on the banner. I made it myself ^_^ Report Review
Nicely written. I don't know much about bipolar disorder, but your depiction was interesting. Perhaps a little more background or scientific facts to back up your claims of a disorder would be helpful?Author's Response: Thank you. I don't know much about it either. I appreciate your suggestion, but the reason I didn't add scientific facts to this was because I didn't want to bore readers. Thank you for reviewing ^_^ Report Review
I love your start. That you start like you do, with Beatrice and the nosebleeding. And then goes to explaining a bit about what had happened before. It sounded so professional to be honest.
I really like the Albus you drew. He's so silent, and observing, and I really truly loved him. Especially when thinking back at his father and how it was at home, suddenly realising a few things, both about Beatrice, but also about Harry. I think you did very well on that part as well. Very good.
I think it was a little unrealistic that Albus did not see it was Beatrice when he started talking to her. I know it's (as he says) two completely different personalities she's got, but not being able to tell the two stages from each other. But on the other hand, I couldn't have come up with a better way for them to meet in there.
All in all a very good read. I truly enjoyed it!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the opening. Wow, professional? That's a huge compliment. Thank you ^_^ The Albus I created was very easy for me to relate to because in a way, I am him. Observing, thinking... glad you like him. I know it's a little unrealistic that he wouldn't recognize her, but I was just trying to exaggerate the fact that when Beatrice is having an episode, she becomes almost animal-like to the point where she is almost two different people. Perhaps 'recognize' wasn't the proper word in that situation, but thank you for pointing that out.
Thanks for reviewing! Glad you liked it ^_^ Report Review
I was trying to decide whether or not to just simply leave it at 'Wow,' but this was just so fantastic that I want to comment on every little thing.
I really enjoyed how you made Harry echo Beatrice. Or Beatrice echo Harry. I like how you made both of them - especially Harry. It was a wonderful interpretation.
I really really loved where you connected bipolar and schizophrenia, because there's a debate going on in the medical community at the moment as to whether they should classify the two as one disaease. And it's true - the two diseases are quite similar. I mean, if you ignore the part about schizophrenics seeing/imagining things.
Your pace and writing echoed Albus's mood and Beatrice's mood perfectly. At the end, when he's more peaceful, your writing echoed that. When she was having her rage, your writing echoed that. It was fantastic.
This piece was just so thought provoking and brilliant that it drew me right in. I love it. Good job!Author's Response: XD Thank you so much! The parallel between Harry and Beatrice was actually really difficult for me to think of, but I knew I had to write something that Albus could relate to. I'm so glad it worked.
Really? Wow, I honestly had no idea that there was debate about schizophrenia and bipolar. I figured they were similar in a lot of ways, but I didn't know they were actually thinking about classifying them as one.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
Wow! This was great!
Firstly, I really like how you were able to incorporate the disorder into this type of story, it makes it very different, and that much more interesting to read.
Secondly, I love how you introduced the two of them at the end, especially after the wonderful description of how Albus was afraid to meet her.
There were a few grammatical mistakes, but proofreading would get rid of them quickly.
And, I felt that there was a good story line and wonderful descriptions, but a bit more dialogue would've made it easier for me to connect to... I started to lose track in the middle and had to call myself back and reread a few lines. That's just how I am as a reader though...
Keep up the good work!
-alanaAuthor's Response: Thank you! It was actually a huge challenge turning this disorder into a fluffy one-shot, but I didn't want to write another angsty story. The idea for them meeting came to me on accident, and I won't get into the whole story, but I don't think another good idea like that will come to me in a while. Thank you so much.
Thanks for pointing out the dialogue fact. I'll keep that in mind for when I write my next story. Thanks again! Report Review
Hello my dear! I just couldn't resist reading your story first :]
My ice cream melted. Seriously, I set my ice cream down to read this, I became so intrigued. It takes quite a lot to make me put down food :P
Anyhow, you've got to be kidding me! I am honestly amazed at this, Ilia. The sincerity you put into this piece is astounding. I should know by now that I shouldn't expect anything less out of you. How you integrated the Bipolar Disorder and Harry's tantrums was incredible. It added a depth to the story that really just wrapped it all up in this amazing little package called a one-shot [if that made any sense] ^_^
I found your characterization of Beatrice delightful, not to mention Albus. All I can say is that you wrote them splendidly.
"I - I have to get this bowl of Beatrice to peaches -" - Great tension breaker [there's definitely a literary term for it, but it escapes me] Anyhow, it totally made me giggle and broke the tension just enough to create this calm air in the writing.
Absolutely beautiful. I love anything you write and this is no exception.
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Mommy! XD I'm sorry your ice cream melted. But thank you so much for reviewing my story. If I may, I think I was at a peak moment in my writing when I wrote this. After this, I haven't been able to write anything as good, but at least this came out of that wave =P You are seriously way too nice to me. This review is making me blush. I'll need a huge piece of humble pie after responding to this.
Thank you so much! ♥ Report Review
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