Murders chill me to the bone. As long as its on paper. I won't freak as much.
the story is very interesting so far.
Whats all the concern with Characterization. I think you did well. Report Review
Going back to this chapter, I know I've read it, but I didn't review it, so I'm going to apologize for that. Must have run out of time or something, but it shouldn't have taken two months, that's for sure.
Anyway, this was a very good chapter, carrying along the two major threads of the story (Elle's and the Aurors' povs). I found it interesting how you dealt with death in this chapter - it became a prevalent theme that brought the two parts together. I liked how you portrayed death in two very different ways, yet there was the constant need for peace in that final moment. It doesn't glorify death, but it keeps it from being so terrifying a thing - it added a measure of softness to your story, preventing it from being an entirely harsh, violent, action thriller.
That's all I can think of to say for this chapter. No critique or complaints, just a desire to keep reading to see what happens. :DAuthor's Response: Hey Susan! Thanks for the review. As ever, I really appreciate it, thank you for taking the time to stop by :]
Aha, it's okay, I've been backlogged for ages on things I have to read or review (or both), so don't worry about it.
Is it slightly sick that I enjoyed writing the death scenes for the characters that died in these two chapters? -shrug- Probably. Death is definitely the main theme throughout the two parts, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Stories that are just all entirely violent are just ... well, boring. Not to mention horrible, but boring. There has to be more substance, and the peace in these chapters, I hope, did justice to that idea.
I'm very glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for the review ^_^ Report Review
OMG thats so sad i can't believe that she would actually kill her. and it seems that matt can't believe it either. this was a great chapter a lot of actiona and stuff going on that it made this chapter an easy read and enjoyable. i didnt see any mistakes. keep up the good work.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Ahh, yes. When chapter seven is up, you may feel more compassionate towards Elle, but perhaps not. Poor Charlotte, eh? :/
Aww, thanks for much for the review! Report Review
great chapter. i like how her sister believed her in the end it shows that they are close. i feel bad for her that it was a just a wrong place wrong time kinda thing. keep up the good work
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Yeah, so do I actually. As psychopathic as she is, you have to feel a little sorry for Elle, I think.
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Hey Liam! I'm here with a review for you from Aparecium!
To be honest with you, I'm glad I didn't first post in your topic for this story saying I would do a review because back when I first saw the word count, I cringed. No joke. 6,000+ words is pretty steep for me for one chapter. The most I've ever read was probably 3,500, but certainly never over 4,000. I just have this short attention span that if I come across a fic that has such a long word count, I'll start to feel like I'm reading one of those classic novels in my English class.
However, I'm glad I decided to bite the bullet, (It's a new thing I'm doing now), and read this story because you were able to keep my attention span grounded. One of the reasons was because you kept things in short structures. It's common for novel writers to stuff everything together. And for people like me, reading a book like that and being aware of what's happening is just not going to happen.
Two: There wasn't any straight up tedious narration. Even if the story opened up with narration, it was shortly dismissed by back and forth conversation which kept things engaging. It wasn't boring like, "said Ellie." or "Ellie screamed." And even if it was, there was some type of action to go along with it to add more to the dialogue. In addition, I felt like you gave such a strong voice to each of the characters, I could imagine such things going on.
Like honestly, there was nothing boring about this story. That's my honest to God fear I have with chapters that are more than 3,500 words. But this chapter, like made me feel better about those things.
As for characterization, I feel like Ellie is legit, dude. The way you started things backwards and kinda took a "Well, let me show you how I got into this situation" angle I feel gives the reader a better chance of getting to know the character. This way we can see where they're at and where they came from. Also about Ellie, I feel like she's the kinda person who makes trouble for herself. She's strong willed and goes in headfirst; which could also be her downfall, considering how she ran from the scene of the crime, or on top of that how she picked up the knife when she knew it was a bad idea.
Matt, I feel like I don't know him so well, but from what appearances he made, I feel like he's going to be the salvation that Ellie needs. BUT, since I watch too many movies, I'm going to keep my eye on him, just in case something happens.
Okay, this has to be the longest review I have ever left. Wow.
(Oh, just another thing, you write like a journalist. I dunno if you know this but, journalists are supposed to write in short structures.)
So yeah, good luck!Author's Response: Hey Alice :P
Thank you so much for the review, first of all!
Ahh, yes, 6000 words is very long, I have trouble reading them myself. Not to mention writing it! It took me three days D:
Wow, I managed to keep you engaged in the story? Really? Thank you! That makes me feel good about my writing. I would so be giving the :wub: emoticon if we could use them in responses right now x]
I'm glad you like the action and the dialogue, their two extremely important elements to this story, and I'm glad you think I've done them well, it makes me feel great!
Hmm, I want readers to make their own opinion about Elle. She's kind of the anti-hero, both a protagonist and an antagonist, I'm just interested to see who thinks what XD
I promise you Matt is a good guy. He does doubt Elle sometimes, but he's one of the good guys ;)
Although he will be tested later on in the story ...
Anyways, thanks so much for this review, it made me really happy! Thank you! :D Report Review
I definitely enjoyed this chapter.
Did I mention that Elle is utterly terrifying? I didn't?
Well, she is. She's so cunning and managed to survive so many accidents.
Even if she is a fictional character, I'm pretty scared, haha, just kidding.
That was a wonderul chapter, and you're an awesome writer. But expect you're tired of all the flattery, LOL.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: LOL, she is, isn't she? Even I'm scared of her :P
She is very cunning, and hopefully that should come more into play later in the story ^_^
Aww, thank you so much! The next chapter should be up relatively soon.
Thanks for the review :D Report Review
I hate cliffhangers!
Why, oh why, are there so many cliffhangers?
Haha, just joking.
All I can say is that I adored this chapter,
especially these two quotes:
"Remember, Elle. Family first. Always remember that. Family first.".
"She was it's, and it was hers."
Except the apostrophe isn't supposed to be there, though.
So, now I'm off to the next chapter!
(again,haha)Author's Response: Ah, I seem to abuse cliffhangers. I'm very sorry about that Dx
I need to upload the beta'd version of this chapter actually, thank you for reminding me by mentioning the apostrophe.
Thanks so much for your kind reviews! Report Review
*sniffle* You killed Leonard and Charlotte!
Of course, you had your reasons, but still..*sniffle*
Agh, I'm so SENSITIVE.
The word awesome doesn't even begin to describe the way you wrote the fast-paced actional and imagery!
I'm off to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Aww, I'm sorry. Charlotte had to die - that was mainly to make way for the character of Fiona Weasley, who I thought was a little too much like Charlotte. When I decided I prefered Fiona, she had to go. I'm so sorry!
Aww, thank you. I'm brilliant? *major blush*
xo Report Review
What a very wicked twist there!
I noticed the old "three cups" trick. A bit cliché,but it was great all the same.
Yay! Action scenes! Me loves ACTION! The way Elle escaped was a bit frightening, and it kept me on my toes.
Loved this chapter, and I'm off to read the next chapter!
(ha, I'll never get tired of that)Author's Response: Aha, I'm glad you liked it! And yes, the cups are a little cliche, but I think they worked for this chapter. Sue me :P
Ehe, thanks so much! Report Review
That was such a enthralling chapter.
The Ministry briefing revealed a lot, and it seemed so weird that Elle could recover so fast.
All the suspense and thrills make me want to read more!
The story flows so well and the dialogue and character interaction was amazing. I mean, if a murderer stepped foot in my house, even if that person happened to be my sister, I'd be freaked out, too.
And I'm off to read the next chapter!Author's Response: Aha, yes, there's something horribly wrong with Elle ;)
You'll see soon enough, I guess :P
Aww, amazing? Wow, thank you so much!
I appreciate the review, thanks :D Report Review
It's Michelle from the forums!
Anyways, as I read the first paragraph, I was already quite intrigued. The way you described Elle was excellent.
The way you wrote this chapter was very unique, and I liked how you went back in time to show how they got to the specific point in time.
The action and the descriptions were riveting, and the plotline is awesome!
I can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Hey there, Michelle! Thanks for stopping by ^_^
Thank you! *blushing* I'm glad you liked Elle, and this chapter. Thanks so much for the kind review! :D Report Review
Alright, since you wanted me to reveiw, I guess I'll have to do just that =]].
Okay. Phew. First off, the first paragraph got my attention right away. You showed your heroine in a damaged slate, and I loved it! It was dark and angsty and WONDERFUL! I wanted to give Elle a hug and tell her that it would be okay =]]
You were also very creative =]]. I tried coming up with a spell all by myself and it sounded gay. You also have great vocabulary...it was rather wonderful. You made it actiony, and everything was fast-paced. Wonderful!
But now, I'm going to have to get a little sour =[[. You leaned on your dialogue too much for me, because I hardly knew what anything looked like, therefore making it seem less plausible. It was okay around the end, as all the action was...quick, and you aren't supposed to use as much detail there.
I couldn't see any grammar mistakes, but seeing as you have a beta, I would hazard a guess as to why =]]
Oh, and before I leave (don't worry, I'll review more later =p) I want to congratulate you on your banner. It was very pretty and interesting.
I love the story line! Keep up the good work!
Constants! Report Review
Wow, that was so good. Really well written and intriguing - cant wait to see where this goes! =)
And a Cliffhanger =O I love cliffies =D
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much! ^_^ Report Review
I'm so sorry it took me a while to get back to you with this review. I actually read this chapter a few days ago, but RL suddenly became unbelievably hectic and to top it all off, my computer started acting up. Again, I really do apologize for the delay. Thank you so much for your patience. ^_^
I think my favorite scene in this chapter was the Ministry briefing. It was a great intro to some of the personnel, especially the man from the Department of Mysteries. He was simply chilling! I do hope we get to see more of him in the future, he really is intriguing. I also loved the dawning possibility of Elle's mental instability. It's so unique! I don't think I have ever read a fic in which the OFC is 'mentally unstable'. And since Elle is a fully-trained Auror, who knows what she's capable of.
I'm curious as to why Vince is singling out Elle as the only potential killer. Does he have something against her? Maybe he's trying to frame her? Certainly, I would think the Department of Magical Law Enforcement would consider not just one suspect. Of course, Elle's actions are suspicious, but there really is no damning evidence against her except for the fact that she found the murdered Minister. Hmm, this is a all very fascinating. I cannot wait to see what you come up with. ^_^
I really enjoyed reading this, Liam. Please feel free to drop by my queue and request another review anytime. I'd love to continue reading this. I hope you have a pleasant week! Take care!
Lee AnneAuthor's Response: Hey Lee Anne! Sorry this response is so late! Oh wow, its been ages :|
I'm really sorry, I tried to reply to it a while ago, but my laptop messed up, sorry!
I'm glad you liked the briefing. I tried to answer a couple of questions, but leave the reader with even more, so I'm glad you liked that part.
The thing about Vince is he's a very ... driven man. Even if he's flawed in his motive or evidence, he has to get things done, such as catching killers. It's his biggest downfall, as you'll see later in the story ^_^
Thanks so much, Lee Anne!
And again, I'm sorry for the uber late reply :( Report Review
Eeep! Liam, fantastic chapter!!
The wait was worth it, but you definitely can't wait that long next time! I need this story!
It's too amazing!
I adore Elle. I really do. She is a fantastic OC and she really makes your writing and your talent shine. The scene with Elle breaking free was intriguing. I could feel the tension building up with the scene - written awesomely!
Liam, I can't wait for the next! Update sooner!
I LOVE THIS STORY! ILY!
10/10Author's Response: I'm sorry I've taken so long to reply, Drue bear! Ily, thank you for this amazing review. I'll certainly try to update as soon as possible.
xox Report Review
Another excellent chapter, Liam :D I really liked the imagery of this one, I could imagine exactly what everything looked like and the whole situation. Loved the introduction of the corrupt ministry, too - it was really blunt and shocking, despite the fact that we as readers already knew something was up.
One thing that didn't gel with me was the flow of the chapter, with having the Azkaban part at the beginning of the chapter. It broke up the flow quite a lot and I found myself a little confused, wondering whether I'd missed a few chapters or not. Also, at the beginning of the section section where you're describing Elle's pain seemed a little repetitive in terms of vocab, so you might wanna change that a bit.
Loved this chapter. Great stuff! :DAuthor's Response: Hey, Jenny! Thank you so much for this review. The Ministry is very corrupt, so watch out for that, their corruption will play a huge role in this story.
Ahh, sorry about that :/
I\\\'ll try and fix all that up.
Thanks so much! :D Report Review
Oh wow, I wasn't expecting this! I thought that Elle had been caught for sure, but you've thrown a curve instead. Excellent plotting here, I'm quite in awe. Though I am less sure about how easily Elle almost got caught. Firstly because a Dissillusionment charm might be the first thing the Aurors would look for, and second because Elle should have been better at hiding herself (also being an Auror). The three cups would have been enough to give it away (an old trick, but used wonderfully here).
What I'm absolutely shocked about is Elle's new abilities. It's a good shock, I assure you, but wow. I'm extremely curious about what happened to her with the serial killer - how has she managed to get these super-hero abilities? It makes her quite terrifying and if you had characterized her as a "villain" instead of the protagonist of this story, then wow, you would have had quite a villainous character to work with. But I do really like how she is the protagonist - it makes the story more original and interesting to read.
Anyway, need to continue on. :D Great story!Author's Response: In awe? Really? Wow! That's a huge compliment Susan, thank you very much! Ahh, you have a good point there *blush* Bad plotting on my part, I'm afraid.
Well, she's no super-hero, but certainly her abilities are an amazing thing (she won't start breathing fire or shooting shockwaves from her fingertips, just FYI, nothing over the top :P), but it'll be much later into the story when we discover what really happened with Elle.
Aha, Elle is ... well, she's neither a protagonist or an antagonist. Indeed, I suppose as the MC, she's automatically the protagonist, and I believe I have given her some of the traits of such a character, but she has a much more brutal side to her, which you've already seen, and will see alot more as the story progresses ;]
Thanks so much, Susan! This review means so much ♥ Report Review
Oh gosh, what a discovery! Something has to be wrong with Elle, even if she doesn't know or recognize it. There's no way she could heal that fast and not be affected somehow. Wow, even she didn't make out her injuries to be that bad, no wonder people are uncertain of her!
This chapter was gripping to read. It has the perfect mix of suspense and action and conspiracy, just like a really good thriller. :D I'm impressed by the movie-like quality of your writing. Everything is so clear to imagine, and you don't waste time on unnecessary words or descriptions. Excellent work, Liam. No complaints with this chapter at all! ^_^Author's Response: Something IS wrong with Elle ;)
The funny thing is that you\\\'re the only one who actually seems to be noticing it! Nobody else has really picked up on it so far, so well done Susan :D
Wow, thank you so much! It\\\'s great to hear that you\\\'re enjoying it, and hopefully you\\\'ll keep enjoying it!
xo Report Review
This is definitely a refreshing story to read. It's original, with lots of action, and it has a male-female lead duo without immediate hints of romance. A good murder mystery thrown in, too. :) Yes, you've caught my attention with this story and the writing is excellent as well. Wow, if I could have written something like this at your age... *is jealous*
Anyway, I do have a couple of minor criticisms. By minor, I mean it only has to do with details you've added that don't seem quite right. They do suit the story/genre, but they were little irks for me.
When the secretary caught Elle in the office, her reaction was really angry, far more angry than shocked. Would she first say "sweet Christ", being a witch (they don't use religious explicatives, instead substituting Merlin or Godric, etc.), and would she also call Elle a "slut"? That word didn't fit, not for the secretary of the MoM. And why would she immediately suspect Elle of a throat slitting? That means a LOT of blood, of which there should be evidence on the killer. Elle was neither holding a knife nor had any blood on her, and there hadn't been enough time from the time Elle entered the room to the secretary's entrance to get rid of the weapon or clean up, even with magical means. That seemed too neat, in terms of plot - getting Elle to run even in her innocence. Unless the secretary's in on it and I'm being a clueless idiot (which is quite possible - I haven't actually read many of these futuristic wizarding action stories).
Also, would Elle, a witch, have a room filled with artillery? Wizards and guns don't seem to mix, unless that has changed in the time period you're working in. If that's the case, then you might need to explain that. Matt was suitable horrified at seeing the weapons, so I'm wondering if it's just an Elle thing (too many Die Hard movies for her? :P).
Otherwise, the use of action and movement is fantastic - it's fast-paced without being breathless. I'm really curious as to how she'll get caught and thrown into Azkaban, and equally curious about her later escape from there. Having the two timelines working at once is fascinating, creating a parallel plot structure (I love those, sorry for the nerdiness), and you lay it out nice and clearly for the reader. :)
Okay, that's a really long review. I'll stop and continue on with the next chapter. I'm sure that review will be shorter! XD Report Review
i am very confused. =[
this jumps around a lot. and doesn't explain much. but i have been pulled in.Author's Response: Aw, I\\\'m sorry.
This chapter is a little confusing. The point is to set up the mystery for later on in the story to try and figure out what\\\'s going on ^_^ Report Review
omg, that was so gud. whats gonna happen to elle and matt tho? the minister sounds horrible.Author's Response: Ahh, you\\\'ll have to wait and see.
And yes, he\\\'s absolutely awful D:
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello, Liam! First of all, I have to apologise for the length of time I took to get this to you. I have no excuse apart from the fact that I found the length of the chapter intimidating and that man on your banner was horrifying, Lol. Thank you SO much for changing it and getting rid of him!
Your action scenes were very well written and greatly enjoyable. My main praise would have to be how clear everything was. It was described so well that it ensured that there was no confusion and yet, it wasn't overly described. I'm also very intrigued about the circumstances which see Elle in Azkaban! Obviously she has been on the run, but what has happened during that time?
Your plot is unique and very interesting. I liked how you revealed who Julian was and the fact that he was the Minister only made it better. You've set yourself up very nicely, and although this is a very long chapter, especially when compared with the others, it was a nice way to start.
My one criticism would be the use of the word 'poo' in your dialogue. It just seemed quite juvenile and awkward. After the swearing that has gone on already I highly doubt that either Matt or Elle would be using that particular word.
Elle seems like a great character and you have a good grasp on her. Her emotions are realistic, as are her reactions and so far, I really like her as a character.
You've got a good story here, so good luck with it!Author's Response: It\\\'s fine, Jane! I\\\'m just glad you\\\'ve been able to come along and review, it means alot to me, so thank you very much :)
HE WAS NOT HORRIFYING. HE WAS ZACHARY QUINTO. :P
But now we have the delicious Henry Cavill to gawp at instead, so nobody can complain about that. (Apart from when he\\\'s in The Tudors)
Ahh, alot happens to Elle over the course of a few months, hopefully you\\\'ll keep reading and find out x\\\')
Sorry it was so long! Every time I thought I\\\'d finished it I found something else to edit and expand upon, and since its been beta\\\'d it\\\'s about 300 words longer, I think ^_^
Ahh, well, I\\\'ve already explained that on MSN, but I\\\'ll expalin it again. That was originally the \\\"s bomb\\\", but when it was beta\\\'d the language filters on the forums changed it. I did manage to find most of them and edit them out, but it seems I missed one. I\\\'ll certainly go back and edit that now :)
Thanks so much, Jane! :D Report Review
PRINCE LIAM! HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME YOU UPDATED!
LUL. OMG, the BIZAM!factor was like, P O W E R F U L. The action was amazing, even though it mostly took place in the hospital thing she was at. I'm pretty sure...
ANYWHO, I adore Elle, you know that already. HEY! I was watching Heroes, season two, and there's this girl who reminds me of Elle because she has the same name : D But alsooo, because Elle in Heroes is a sadistic betch. She has the power of electricity or some shiz and she ADORES shocking people. I don't know, but her sick attitude and way of thinking reminds me of Elle in TPOF. I mean, Elle is resourceful, intelligent, bold, and strong. She's like, BEAST! I mean, she's got that power and mind. She's just coolness, man.
Matt just pwns life, you know. I mean, he's smart, too, and he's just THERE. I mean, I don't know what I mean, but Liam, dearest, you totally understand characters. This story pwns life, much more than Matt, tbh.
ACTION, BABY! How come you get to write it, oh so perfectly?! It's not fair, I'm telling you! Just not FAIR >.< But it's okay, because your characters make love to me and make me stuff myself with ice-cream. Which, just to let you know, is a VERY good thing, okay?
And Elle's feelings and emotions are just fantasmical, hon. She just makes me feel what she feels, and you're an amazing writer for accomplishing that.
Alas, I have put off my review thread for you. I must leave and give those people what they requested : D
WRITE MORE, HON! PLEASE?!
ILY, LIAM, FOR WRITING THIS AMAZING CHAPTER AND STORY. Report Review
hey there hun!
I loved this chapter and all the inside stuff that I know about it =D
Firstly, your descriptions are just to die for. Fantastic I tell you! KATE IS DEAD! NOOO!
I miss her =[ She was lovely.
I can not believe, well no, I absolutely can believe that Elle would knock Matt out to save herself. But, I love that Matt already suspected that she would, he's a lovely friend isn't he. *coughcough* =]
Another lovely chapter darling! I can't wait for the next one!
xoxoAuthor's Response: Hey Kara, honey! Thanks for the review :D
Baha, you know pretty much everything about what has been explained in this chapter, hopefully you\\\'ll enjoy the next two chapters. Aswell as the introduction of Deverax ;D
Kate will be around for a few more chapters, then around chapter fifteen or so she\\\'ll get bumped off. Not, perhaps, the nicest way of phrasing it, but there we go.
Elle is willing to do anything for her own survival, and I mean anything, so knocking her best friend out is relatively minor compared with other stuff.
xoxo Report Review
Goodness, Liam, you've done it again! I loved it. I'm now an official fan-girl of LiamR! *waves flag*
Well, to start, I really enjoyed reading all of your descriptions. Some authors struggle with including the right details about the things that surround them, but I think you did a magnificent job. I think I mentioned that in my last review, but I still loved it.
And goodness, Liam, you're killing me here with your plot! I absolutely love it. I said it before and I'll say it again, you just let the readers hit the ground running and I freaking LOVE it. *waves flag again*
Nothing really to comment on here in terms of criticism! I just... loved it. And I'm running out of things to say! Darn it. Uh... *waves flag again and again*
Now, I reduced my load to one chapter per request, and I'd really love for you to request again! I'm loving it here, Liam!
10/10 Report Review
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