Great start! Poor Albus though, but very interesting plot. Can't wait to read more.Author's Response: I shall get writing then. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Aw it's really good!!
update soon? =] xx 10/10Author's Response: Oh thank you. I shall keep writing. Report Review
shoulder is missing the er but i understood what u were trying to say, you have left me wondering who charlotte is can't wait to read more.Author's Response: Oh dear, thank you for pointing that out. Well, hopefully if you read on you shall find out more about her. Thank you for your review. Report Review
Hmm... short, but building for the future of the story correct? But I think the part here "Right now Iím sat in the library, alone." would read better if you said "I'm sitting" since he is doing this in the first person. Other than that it is fine. Keep at it. 10/10
vis sis mis!Author's Response: Thank you. I shall look at the language. Report Review
Thanks for posting it was great to have an update.
I like the introduction of another character and a bit more depth in some of what is going on. Would be even better if the chapter was a little longer but hopefully you will post quickly!
I am really enjoying your story, it feels really original.Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm sorry it's short but under time pressure it was all I could do and still try to put in the important points. I hope you keep reading. I shall do my best to update soon. Report Review
Interesting chapter - I am assuming that you are setting up plot ideas here to be developed further. I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this. Initially I was not sure about the two POV but its grown on me in this chapter. You are building the two main characters well, are you planning to develop some of the sub-characters a bit more?Author's Response: Yes I am, if you carry on reading you should get to know quite a few characters. I wasn't sure about having both points of view but I think it's the only way to show exactly what each of them is thinking. Thank you very much for the review. Report Review
OK, interesting concept here. Just a thought for those that do not know Latin, (and I will admit it has been 20 years since I had it and had to go look it up) you might think about putting the translations in the author notes at the end of the story. Other than that and some small differences in the way English is spoken here and across the pond that makes for strange syntax to Americans at times, I do like the story and look forward to see where this goes. 9/10
RatboyAuthor's Response: Well, the point of the latin is that it shall be revealed as the story goes along, plus, if we are in Scorpius' point of view, he may not understand it either. I'm sorry my English may be a little strange for you but I honestly didn't know there were that many differences. Thank you so much for the mark and the review. Report Review
Well you sure no how to create sympathy for your characters. I'm already sad for both Scorz and Alz. It's just a sad story. A good story, but sad. 10/10.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review, and for the mark out of ten! Well, I want to make you understand them both, it helps for the later chapters. Report Review
Good chapter. But space the paragraphs out a bit more.
I'm begining to suspect that Albus has been trained as a death eater, by this master person. Or at least, he has been trained for some reason.
Please update soon.Author's Response: Hmmm, well you shall just have to read on then. I'll have a look at the paragraph spacing. Thanks for the review. Report Review
That was a great chapter. I love how it was told from Scorpius's point of view. I will read on and see what happens. But there are a few spelling mistakes
"I left his there on the floor, cowering because of me."
doesn't make sense. but I take it you meant to put him.
I hope you write more. 10/10Author's Response: I will write more. Thanks for pointing out the mistake, I shall change it as soon as I have time. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Wow - well done for posting so quickly. Definitely keep writing - it is very very rare for me to get hooked on a story in one chapter!
Did you want ideas or just feedback on your writing?
One question - in Albus Point of view did you mean "distinguished the fire" or "extinguished the fire"?Author's Response: Oh, sorry, extinguished, thank you for pointing that out. Yes I'd love feed back. Updates may be a little slower now, exams, but I'll keep writing. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Now you have me really intrigued. Why is Al such a good student? What all did Master teach him? Why is he back in the first place? You better answer those questions or my head'll fall off. ;) 10/10.Author's Response: Haha, well, I better keep writing. Thank you for the feed back, it really made me smile. Report Review
The originality of it all is quite becoming. I love how it starts out. With a bit of proofreading, this could easily become a classic in many people's books. 10/10.Author's Response: Ooo, thank you. I realise it may need a little editing but I though I should put more emphasis into writing first. Thank you a lot for pointing it out though.
Great story, please dont stop. I hope that Albus learnt a bit more than making potions in the chapters to come. Maybe he will kick some ass in defence against the dark arts or maybe very skillfull with a wand.
But anyway I will wait and see how your story unfolds.
Great work.Author's Response: Well, you shall have to keep reading, I have most of it planned out and Al does have a few...talents up his sleve. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Wow! This is amazing! It's so original and totally awesome. I can't wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Well, I guess I should start writing then. Thank you so much for the review. Report Review
Wow amazing start! I hope you update quicklyAuthor's Response: Thank you, I will try my best. Report Review
It's really different, I'm really liking it so far :)Author's Response: Thank you, I shall try to keep writing then. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection