Love this story ! post sson :) favourited . Report Review
I'm really liking this story, it's clear you've thought it through alot. You're a great writer.
Will there be more of draco?Author's Response: I've actually continued this story on a different site if your still interested in reading it. haha. But yes, there's much more of Draco. Report Review
i love it. so u need to update it soon pleaseAuthor's Response: Haha, I'll try. Thank you :) Report Review
Hey- I'm HogwartsMarauder from over at the forums- and I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to review!
First- your summary intrigued me. And this chapter has done nothing to diminish that- the way you describe Azkaban was incredibly powerful. Wonderful use of imagery.
I was a tad confused when you began to speak of not "seeing" things- I wasn't sure if that was the innate believing they had gone insane, literal blindness, or what. It sounded like you meant they were literally blind- but then how could they see the crack with the light? I assumed that was literal as well, but then it moved into more abstract thinking. I couldn't follow it.
"I have been fading in the dark for too long. Days past, maybe even years. It's not like there was a way to tell time" Tense change. =) The rest is in past - but the first sentence is present. "I had been fading into the dark for too long." would work.
I loved how you described the moments the prisoners relived- that was really intense, beautifully written.
This chapter was considerably abstract- but as it's sort of the intro chapter I know that's not out of the ordinary.
In general, I would say add longer sentences between the shorter ones you use for emphasis. It will make the flow a bit more steady- and less abrupt. I know you need some things to really resonate- but it was a bit too choppy.
And I can't wait to see the next chapter. =)Author's Response: Wow, I didn't even see that tense change! Thank you. And thank you for the constructive criticism. I alwasy appreciate it!
I had quite a fun time making this chapter abstract. The tense is actually confusing. She was sort of reliving the past...it confused me at times. lol. I was trying to actually. haha
Thank you for reviewing. The other chapters are a little easier to follow. Report Review
The Gaunt House? Didn't expect that! But ooh, fabulous chapter! How old is Eli now? Fourteen, fifteen? I'm not sure...I'd suggest you'd put that in somewhere, just to avoid confusion :) Because while you say she'd completed Fourth year, I'm still not 100% sure how long after that she killed her father. Also, are these four chapters just her (who has now escaped) reflecting on how she got where she is? I'm a bit confused about where we are on your story timeline. But still, regardless, I love it :) Please request when the next chapter is up (just line with a link with the story title and chapter I'm up to will do) :) 10/10Author's Response: Haha, I'm sorry I've confused you. A lot of it will be addressed later but I'll tell you now. She killed her father right after fourth year got out. So she's around 14. And, yeah, she's basically reflecting.
I'm glad you liked it though and I will of course request when the next one is up. :) Report Review
hmm, while i like this chapter, the Eli's tone seems to have changed. i think it's because she is younger? i guess so. i am very curious as to what she landed in Azkaban for! i think she killed her father, personally. anyway, overall great chapter! i like the pace of this story, it moves quickly, but not too quick :) please leave a request when the next chapter is up! i'd love to read it! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I have this philosophy where I don't update until each chapter is reviewed at least once. haha. You've kept this story running :) yay!
Yeah, it's because she was younger. I was going for that actually. She slowly starts to access her evil side and you will see that a lot next chapter. It's called Spread of Chaos. haha. Thanks for reviewing again! I love your reviews! :) Report Review
unfortunately (haha) i have no CC! whether it bad lack of experience with angst stories or that your story is just generally wonderful (i like to think the second one ;) but 'wonderful' seems a bit strange to associate it with, with it being so depressing and all). seriously, i love it :) you explained and described Eli's transition to the Malfoy Manor so well! again, i love it :) 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much again! Haha. I hope it's the second one too but I'm sure you're not totally unequipped with angst. It is a bit depressing, isn't it? haha. Oh well. Thanks for reviewing Report Review
sorry for the lateness of this! life caught up with me :(
okay first off, i loved the 'moment's explanation. seriously, those words were so powerful, i had to read them a couple times over just to get them. well done :) overall, though im not a fan of angst, i love this! it's so eloquently described - it's almost as if i'm there...which, by the way, i'm so glad i'm not, lol. you captured what your OC (Eli? or is it Doras?) is going through so well.
10/10Author's Response: It's alright. I can think of plenty of times where life catches up with me too.
Thank you so much! I'm glad that you felt like you were there. It's what I was aiming for.
Btw: Eli and Doras are the same. lol. Eli is her first name and Doras is her last. It does sound like a first name though. oops. haha. Thanks for reviewing Report Review
Oh, I loved it. Completely brilliant. Just as good as the first chapter, maybe even better.
Eli is fabulous. Wonderfully evil. But she was so sweet as a child, what with everyone abandoning her and everything. Poor little thing.
I loved Draco's entrance. 'Mother, the gnomes are back.' Draco Malfoy talking about gnomes made me laugh, for some reason. I'm not quite sure why, but it was totally funny.
Again, the description of Azkaban was brilliant. It's a place in the HP world that, really, we know so little about, so fics like this are great. 10/10Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! :)
I loved Dracos entrance too! Haha. I re-read it earlier and I started laughing whenever he said that.
Thanks again! I love reviews like yours!! :D Report Review
in the beginning a lot of your sentences seem to be really short and choppy. if you could try separating smaller sentences with some longer ones or combining sentences together it should greatly increase the flow of the story. this is a great beginning we are really understanding what it feels like to be in azkaban and can imagine it. great beginning to the story.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for your review.
Yeah, I started to notice that whenever I re-read it. Haha. Real short sentences.
Thanks again. I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
i thought that you did a lovely job with this story. i loved the dark theme and the original conception that it offered. i have never read a story like this before- similar, of course- but nothing that seemed so...lost? in a good way.
i did think that you could work a bit more with a few things, though. one thing that i noticed repeatedly throughout this was tense mix ups of all sorts. they are easy mistakes to make but if concepted wrong, any reader could get the wrong point of the story. work with your tenses. i noticed you switching between first and second person a lot as well as using the wrong forms of words. just something to watch out for in the future.
overall, i thought that you did an amazing job with this story. this was a very enjoyable piece. with a little fixings and work, this could be that much more improved, but really, it was a beautiful work. nice job. keep on writing.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :)
I was actually going for the whole 'switching tenses.' She was supposed to be kind of talking to herself but at the reader at the same time. Sorry if it bothered you. :/ haha
Thanks so much! I have, so far, a lot of the story thought out and written. It's just a matter of getting all the chapters validated. haha.
Thanks again! Report Review
I think this is possibly the best account of Azkaban I've ever read. The whole thing is believable, and I think you got the tone just right. And the last line was great - I'll definitely keep reading now!Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much!! I hope I keep your expectations up. :)
Thank you for reviewing!! :D Report Review
Wow, I think this is a very original, gripping idea and I hope you continue! My main bone to pick: you need need need need a beta. Everybody does. I'm seeing some typos and some accidental words and letters. Of course, a few are completely understandable, but get past just a few and you start blocking meaning. What I'm trying to say is that you've got some really, really brilliant passages in here. Your reader is on the threshold of being sucked into you story-when they hit a typo and kind of go 'what?' and it sort of breaks the flow. So...beta. Definitely. :)
You have some great description in here with the crack and where you start talking about "moments" and everything. Great job on that! I love your last line; it's very gripping and makes a reader want to keep going. The lack of dialogue made it wonderfully interesting and I like how this is sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing. I can't wait to see what happens!
imagine_the_magicAuthor's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
I agree. Haha. I do need a beta. I type really fast and some stuff just sort of slips out. I didn't mean to break your flow of enjoying my story. :/ I'm sorry. lol.
I really enjoyed writing this story. However, sadly, I need some dialogue and some sort of plot. lol. A plot comes up in the next few chapters, thankfully, but I hope it still brings out her darkside because the first chapter definetely showed that.
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
I really think this is great.
It's got such strong feelings and is very powerful, and (maybe because I'm a huge TDG fan) I see Scared in this - mostly about the crack of light, and about now knowing what's true or not. It's very focused on the mind.
It's well written and keep the reader on the edge the whole time, wanting to be able to read faster than possible. At least I wanted!
This, "It had feelings; I had fear." I think is a little misleading, seeing numb would be the opposite of feeling, and fear is a feeling. And the others before you go with opposites.
This, "So cold, it burned you. So hot, it froze you." Wow. Again, very strong and it creates such a good picture. you really have a way with words, and every sentense in this is fantastic and I love it.
I really only have positive things to say about this! Really amazing.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I'm practically blushing!! Yeah, I'm a huge TDG fan too. In fact, my playlist that I listen to when I write this story has a LOT of TDG. haha
I was worried about the feelings and fear thing. I might change the word feelings to something else. I'll have to think on that.
Thank you for your kind words!! And thank you for taking time to review! :D I really do appreciate it Report Review
Hi There Animic! It's Rachel from the forums here to review!
I apologise for taking so long, and thank you so much for the reviews you left me on Just Because. I really appreciated them.
I thought this beginning chapter was amazing, I loved how you started off with your character thinking more of "looking out of the bars" at Azkaban.
It was so origional and unique, so well done there. I loved it.
Your descriptions were beautiful, and I loved how the whole beginning of it was just reflection and inner thought. So cool.
I loved the thinking and just stream of conciousness.
I thought you did an excellent job! YayAuthor's Response: Hello there :)
It's alright. Haha. The important thing is you reviewed :)
Thank you! I enjoyed writing about her life in Azkaban. It was very dark and mysterious. I was going for original so thank you again on that! :D
Once again, thank you for your kind words and for reviewing. :) Report Review
I'm here with your review!
I enjoyed the glimpse into life in Azkaban. I would recommend maybe getting a beta to help with editing for grammar and flow of your writing; I noticed some issues with that, but otherwise found the idea and development of the story really well-written and intriguing. I'm hoping "some of us were like that before we even came to Azkaban" is a foreshadowing of development of Eli to come...I'm really curious about her now.
Thanks for sharing your story with me!
envinyata.Author's Response: Hello!
You're right. Haha. I probably do need a beta. I let my friend read a couple chapters and she kept noticing little typos and errors that I usually would have passed over.
Yeah, it is a foreshadowing of the next few chapters. I'm glad you picked up on that. :)
Thank you for reviewing. :D Report Review
Hey its honeybabycakes1013 from the HPFF forums here! I would like to appluad you on a couple of points: the originality of this little story and a couple of the sentances you used that were just beautiful! Here are my faves:
In time, you could taste the screams in the other cells. You could feel the dementors gliding towards you. You could smell the hunger in your stomach and could hear the fear in peoples hearts.
Moments where the earth shook beneath your feet, and you turn to expect an earthquake, but only realize it was the shatter of your own heart.
Moments where your feet seem to trip over air, and you stand up and look behind you, only to realize that it was the burden of your soul that tripped you.
Wow. I loved it! You really did an amazing job with this story! Just, great job! Awesome, keep it up!!!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: I like you. lol. You picked my absolute FAVORITE quotes. Seriously, those two quotes are the most awesome things that ever entered my mind! So glad someone else appreciates the little things I try to put in my story. :)
I'm so glad you liked it!! I'll definetely request another review when the next chapter comes up!! Thanks for taking your precious time to read. :D
~Animic Report Review
Wow! Hello, dear. I'm here with your review.
So, this was extremely wonderful. It was mysterious and gripping. It was something new and I was really surprised by it.
I also loved how it was a No Dialogue story. I think this just heightens the level of emotions and descriptions and inner thoughts even more.
Wow. Fantastic job! This was lovely. You have so much talent.
10/10Author's Response: Wow thank you!
I love words of praise!! Thank you so much. :)
I was going for the whole not so much dialogue in the first chapter. My dad always tells me you have to draw the reader in the first chapter and I thought her just describing Azkaban would be amazing!
Thank you so much for your lovely review!! :D
~Animic Report Review
Hi, I'm here with your review! And by the way, dark is fine, I just don't really like being terrified/grossed out by horror/violence fics. You can really tell I'm a girl, can't you? xD
Anyway, on to your fic. In short, I just loved it! I really like your descriptions of Azkaban, and even though you've totally depressed me (:P) I'm also completely hooked on this story.
So far, I think your main character is brilliant - I'm so sick of Mary-Sue OCs, and she's about as far away from that as possible. I love her dark, almost twisted outlook, which for an Azkaban prisoner is obviously understandable, and also very appropriate. It's so refreshing, and I can't wait to see where this story is going to go! Promise me you'll request from me when you update next? *begs*
Wonderful job 10/10
~LizzieAuthor's Response: Haha, it's all good. I don't like to read those stories either. I can't watch them either.
Wow, thank you so much! You brightened up my day!! :)) I'm sorry I depressed you, haha, but that actually was the way I was trying to go.
In the coming chapters, I'm going to pretty much imply how she came to be so dark and twisted. Hopefully you'll approve of those too. :)
Thank you for your words of praise! I was hoping someone would review :D and I will definetely request again when the next one is posted. It's currently in the queue so, just a matter of waiting.
Thanks for reviewing!
~Animic Report Review
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