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12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ChoS_sista_gurl Prologue

23rd August 2009:
Hey Rachel, I know it's been forever, but I said that I'd take a look at stories by the authors who follow my stories, so now that I finally have a bit of time here I am. =]

I looked at this one first because I love the banner, but after I'm done with Ralph, I'll feed Josefina over at your Oliver Wood story too. I think the concept of death following Jacqueline is very interesting. I mean, it's scary - I would never wish that upon anyone - but you could do lots of things with a character whose past was riddled with deaths of loved ones. Just please don't make Al die. =[

I'm interested to see how you develop Al's character, because it seems that he's one of the Next Gen kids that lots of people focus on, after Scorpius and Rose. Can't wait to see what havoc James II might cause, too. ;)

Keep writing! Now, off to Josefina...

Gabby

Author's Response: I know it's been forever since you reviewed. And it's been even longer for me to respond. I'm sorry! My life is so crazy. I'm not sure when I will get the chance to update any of my stories. It's been months since I've written fan fiction. I hope soon though. THanks!

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Review #2, by collette michelle Prologue

26th January 2009:
Hello Rach,

I really liked the start to this. I can't wait for it to develop more in depth. Jacqueline seems like a very interesting character. It will be interesting to see how all the deaths in her life play into the person she grows to be while at Hogwarts. I haven't read many next Generation stories besides Teddy/Victoire and Rose/Scorpius, but this one jumped out at me.

Also my sister's name is Jacqueline. But she spells her's 'Jacquelyn' instead. And she hates to be called Jacqui, it always 'I'm Jacquelyn, never Jacqui". I agree with her, I find Jacquelyn more pretty then Jacqui. That was I rant, I apologise.

I also liked how Jacqueline (I think that is what I am going to continue to call her) did stare at Harry or bombard Albus with questions of his father. Hopefully they will end up in the same house, it would be a riot if they were both in Slytherin.

Anticipating more. Nice Job!

Author's Response: ohhh, i'm so glad that you like it so far! I haven't even begun the first real chapter yet, i did... i just ended up deleteing it. haha. I'm sort of having writers blockon this story. Hopefully this will be up soon. Thanks so much for reviewing.I like the name Jacqueline too. I just needed a nicname for her! Thanks for reviewing! Check back for more soon!

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Review #3, by datbenik513 Prologue

20th January 2009:
Lovely introduction to an interesting OC with some of the most powerful opening paragraphs I've ever read.

You managed to create a dark, angsty atmosphere around your little heroine with a few simple words, this is exactly what makes your opening powerful.

This approach was widely used in ancient Greek tragedies, and it's known by the Latin phrase "In medias res", instantly in the middle of things.

Really, really good.

10/10.

Cheers,

Zoltan

Author's Response: awww thank you so much! Is it really that good? oh my gosh. This was such a nice review to read. Thanks so much for reviewing. I really appreciate it. thanks so much!

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Review #4, by JLHufflepuff Prologue

10th January 2009:
I like the way you set up the atmosphere of sadness and death in Jaqui's life. How sad that she had to experience all that. I love the phrase: "Then death paused." It's like as readers we can take a breath for a minute. I also like the way Jacqui and Albus want to create their own legacies - it gives them a good common bond! Please let me know when this story updates! :)

Author's Response: i will definitely let you know when this is updating. Thanks for reviewing :)

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Review #5, by Lolo_Lex_gryffindorgals Prologue

3rd January 2009:
this was a very good introduction the story. i REALLY enjoyed it.
im absolutely looking forward to reading more from you :D
you get a 10!
:D
~lolo

Author's Response: awww i'm glad that you like it. A ten?! *blushes.* thank you

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Review #6, by Lily Potter2 Prologue

2nd January 2009:
Wow, that was really good. The descriptions at the beginning of the chapter were amazing, and I liked Albus' meeting with Jacqui. Please update soon!

Author's Response: I'll try. I'm currently working on the eleventh chapter of my other story. Hold Back The Tears. i hope you stop by and check that one out. I think you'd like it! :) thank you

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Review #7, by Hermione Clone Prologue

1st January 2009:
Very nice chapter!

I loved the suspense of the beginning. The fact that death has followed this poor girl around so much is just devastating, and I think you captured that wonderfully. The only thing I would suggest is naming Jacqueline a little bit earlier. I liked the suspense the anonymity gave it, but maybe introduce her at the part where you transition into the scene on the platform.

Speaking of that transition, it was a bit confusing. It sounded like you were going to skip over most of her Hogwarts years, and then maybe come back when she's in her sixth or seventh year. The scene where she went to the train didn't really seem to fit. Maybe the stuff in the transition could go at the end of the chapter, after the train scene.

Alright, now that the nit-picky part is over with, let's get to the good stuff. :-)

I liked how Jacqui didn't seem to care about Harry Potter! It is the last thing anyone would ever expect, and it was perfect. It also helps her friendship with Albus to form, since it's based on what they know of each other, not because of what Harry did.

Oh, I hope Albus is alright. Death better leave him alone! Poor Jacqui doesn't deserve to loose even more people in her life.

Great chapter!!!

Author's Response: She's actually a first year when she is on the plateform. Could you not tell? tehe


I'm glad that you liked it. I sort of got the idea one day and started writing and never stopped. And then posted it yeserday.

Thanks so much! :)


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Review #8, by Reviewer Prologue

1st January 2009:
This is such an interesting story I really enjoy it please write more.

Author's Response: you do? Oh i'm so scared about this. I don't even know how it came to my mind. I just sort of wrote it. tehe. I am glad you liked it. I'll try to write more soon

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Review #9, by C. Prologue

1st January 2009:
I'd love to see where this is going as it's a really good start. Update soon! (:

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad you like it! :)

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Review #10, by ginnyxoxoharry Prologue

1st January 2009:
very good can't wait to read more :)

Author's Response: really? Ohh i was so scared! *lets out deep breath* thanks so much

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Review #11, by TwilightPrincess Prologue

31st December 2008:
Wow, this all looks so familiar! XD You're quite welcome for betaing. It was my pleasure. ^_^

I like that you explained Jacqueline's past in the beginning because it gives us a solid feeling of who she is and where she's come from and what kind of junk she's gone through. Although I will say that it is possibly a bit excessive. I mean, it just turned out so incredibly convenient that everyone she knew died or got sick or something. You may be embellishing a bit much for the sake of your story, to the point where it could go unbelievable.

I like the interaction between her and Albus, but I think it may have happened to quickly and too... openly. I understand that they're children and they do things differently than adults, but don't you think that there would be some natural skepticism about meeting a new person? The way this read, there was absolutely nothing wrong with meeting a stranger for the first time and inviting him to sit down, and something about that fact rings odd in me.

I do like where this is going and I think it will be a good story to read. Please let me know when you update.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

Author's Response: i'm so glad that you could come and beta. I was very excited. Thanks so much for helping me. Thanks so much. I sort of just got the idea for it today and was glad you could beta! I hope you liked it!

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Review #12, by SpringTime Prologue

31st December 2008:
Hello Ralph! It is a very good beginning. I am starting to wonder about what loss you must be suffering personally (I dont mean that as hard as that sounds in writing) just that I noticed the theme. I hope all is okay. Anyway onto the story. There were a couple of times when you switched tenses (but only a couple) and at the end you swtiched from limited third Jaqui POV to Albus POV... I am not sure if you inteded to switch between the two. There was also one line "Her father had remarried when she reached the slender age of four." I wasn't sure if you mean the tender age of four...slender means thin...?
Okay now onto the good...I think that you have introduced the dialogue well and I really enjoyed the voice that you have given to Albus so far. I also found her resigned pain to be very well explained and could see the intense grief that she was hiding. Very good job, nice beginning. :)

Author's Response: thanks so much! Ralph loves to be fed. I'm glad that you could review. I guess it's just easier to write more about loss than it is for anything else for me. It's not Very familiar, and i've been fortunate to never have to go to a wake. But within the past year or so i've lost about 5 people or so i knew. None of them were incredibly close but i was friends with them and whatnot.one was like a second grandmother to me.
Thanks so much for reviewing. I'll look over this story once more! Ralph appreciates the food!


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