Another great chapter! I loved the last paragraph. Well I can't wait for another chapter! Update soon!Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! Report Review
. . . .
Wow. I have no words.
This story is amazing, and sooo (I presume) original.
My favourite thing has got to be the small notes
I await the next installment with baited breath
xAuthor's Response: I love how people either love the small notes or hate them. Well this is an epic review, I just love how you wrote it. Sounds like your breathless.
I really apprecaite it, thanks for the praise. Report Review
Another great chapter (apart from the occasional grammatical errors). It really draws you into the story! I also really like the little notes, although I wasn't too sure about the "facts on moi" one!
Keep updating, please!
likeclockworkAuthor's Response: Oh I have grammatical errors still, I thought my beta and I had found all them. I'm glad you enjoyed this and thanks for the two reviews. Report Review
The whole idea of this is incredible. I also like the way you leave the name out till right at the end of the chapter, even though we get clues as to who it is throughout the chapter. I think it's great in first person and it's not confusing!
Keep up the good work!
likeclockworkAuthor's Response: I'm really glad that you enjoyed, and thank you for the great praise. Oh thanks for reassuring me with the first person, I'm always nervous about it. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello, WeasleyTwins here to review. Sorry for the extensive delay :]
Reading under your Areas of Concern, you mentioned that you are trying a new writing style. May I ask why? That aside, I think that this 'new' writing style of yours has amazing potential. The descriptive techniques that you employ really drew me in. The diction used to describe Lily's thought process was perfect. The air of mystery surrounding the entire chapter was excellently done, your diction adding to such an atmosphere. The plot is so intriguing! At first, I was wondering what in the world was going on, but your little hints here and there gave me vague clues that has me wanting more.
In response to your little 'notes', I must say that I'm not one for notes like that in a story. I read in one of your review responses that you got the idea from a novel, so whatever you feel works the best for you, that is fine. The only reason I say that I'm not one for notes like that is because I feel that with your writing style, you could do an excellent job in describing those bulleted points in a paragraph :]
Overall, I think this is a great first chapter! 10/10
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Don't worry about the delay! I completely forgot I had even asked for a review, so this was a nice little suprise to find.
First of all, I'm glad you enjoyed the writing style. It's extremely fun to write and I'm glad it worked. I was so nervous about it! And I'm glad the suspense worked... it's the first time I've written it as well. I'm always so eager to just tell everybody everything though!
On my notes... Oh now your having me doubt again! I go back and forth with those. Some people like them, some people don't. I'm on the edge with them as well. Hum... well as the story goes on it gets cut down a little bit on the little notes.
Thank you for the compliments and I appreciate the review. Report Review
Okay, so I'm going to refrain from mentioning all the grammatical mistakes I found in this chapter. I'm sure that your beta that you're getting will be able to clean all that up and make it rather nice. =] So I'll spare you from me beta-ing your chapter in my review. =P
I love the whole idea of this story, actually. It's quite interesting. It reminds of the book, The Giver. Have you read that? If not, then you think along the same lines of that author. (And I have a feeling I'll like this story more than The Giver. =P) But either way, I like the whole idea of Lily being obsessed with feeling pain. The whole concept of this story is great. Really, it is. =]
Your little notes make perfect sense, although you should add periods to the end of each sentence in your notes, since that's how you're supposed to write bullets like that. (Sorry, beta-ness kicked in! Hehe.) I like them, though. It gives the reader a nice little summation and you're doing so in a way that gives more definition to Lily's "voice" which is always good. And I think that you should definitely keep it in first person. It'll make the story a much more interesting read, in my opinion.
Really, I don't have much to criticize here. This first chapter is pretty amazing and it sucked me right in. I didn't stop to make notes like I do on most stories I review, I just read all the way through and then wrote my review. This is a great first chapter for what I'm assuming is going to be an excellent story. Keep up the good work. =]
-AlexAuthor's Response: Grammer! Gah! I always had a huge probelm with it. I am in the market for a beta though so hopefully they will help me clear up all my mistakes.
The little notes idea I got from The Book Theif, a wonderful book. I'm glad it gives some voice to Lily as well. I really want to make her a unique character, and I'm glad the notes help.
Thank you for the wonderful praise, I'm blushing as I read your review. Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
Oh my god, that was brilliant. It just pulled me in and would not let me go. I love the little notes, I think they are a brilliant way to describe what is going on. The only really mistake I saw was that you spelled 'Victoire' wrong but that is so minor it barely matters. And, I think that first person is the best way to go for this whole story because of the nature of the story and stuff but I love first person so I am kind of biased. Anyway, this chapter is amazing and I cannot wait for your next chapter.Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed the little notes and first person. I was really nervous about those two. Anyways thanks for the very nice words, and I'm glad you enjoyed it so much.
The next chapter should be out as soon as I aquire a beta. Report Review
Awesome! This is very intriguing. Very very intriguing. I'm curious to see where this goes. You've set it up really well, showing the beginning of her education, some small parts until she leaves, then start to explain what happened after. It's all flowing really well and keeping my interest. I think the first person works spectacularly.
I was confused at points though. These were the more prominent ones:
'The last generation, itís the name given to my parents and anybody born after Victorie' -- would it be after Victoire? or before? I was assuming it would be before, but now you're saying after... I was a bit confused.
'I took them until I was born until the third day of my seventh year ' - from when I was born?
'The government gives us the pills, but some of them donít (hypocrites)' - but some of them don't what? take the pills? or give them to the rest?
'how can one diagnosis themselves as insane?' - diagnose.
'revolutions that has ever occurred. Actually to rephrase that, that still is recurring' - I think occurring should be at the end instead of recurring... recurring is happening again, not continued, and I think you meant that they were still continuing what she started.
'But I have you not seen I can be somewhat bleak at times?' - I have you not seen? a few too many subjects in there that could use some clearing up...
A general proofread would also do well... quite a few words had letters switched around that wouldn't be caught by a spell checker.
I'm really picky with grammar, so don't take this harshly, I really liked the story so far and definitely want to see more!!
-JillAuthor's Response: First of all thank you so much for the indepth review, and sorry for taking awhile to respond. I'm part of this challenge at this moment and it's taking up all my time.
I'm glad you like the first person, it's one of the things I'm the most nervous about! I'll clear that part up about Victorie up as well, now that I read it... it is a bit confusing.
Grammer! My achilles tendon. No matter how much I try, it's always my downfall. I'm in all these advanced English classes but my teachers always remark on my poor spelling and grammer. Anyways I'll fix those up, and I am in the market for a beta so hopefully that will fix everything as well!
I thought that your story was awsome and i can't wait for moreAuthor's Response: Double post!
Well thanks again. =) Report Review
i thought that that was awsome and i can't wait to read moreAuthor's Response: Well I'll be posting a new chapter soon! Thanks for review! Report Review
I love the concept of this story! It's one of the best i've ever come across! Please, keep up with your brilliant writing...I can't wait to see how this story will progress!Author's Response: One of the best? Thank for the wonderful response, I really enjoy your review! Report Review
This is really definitely something interesting and worth reading. You've caught my attention! Great work with it. The whole theme of this chapter has reminded me of "The Giver" by Lois Lowry (or however you spell her name), only this one is much more interesting to me. I can't wait to read the next chapter. I'm very excited. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: I did get inspired a lot by the Giver, it is an amazing book. Better you say? That's some nice praise your giving me! Thank you so much for the lovely review, I really appreciate it! Report Review
intense, i loved it.
just the idea of the story, very gripping,
it sort of reminds me of The Giver, one of my favorite books
i like how ironic it is, of her parents being so amazing and helping the world
and lily being this rebel
at first i thought it's be albus as the main character, then when it said lily at the end, i was shocked
though, i think it will really add to the story
i honestly cannot wait till the next chapterAuthor's Response: I juggled between a few people before I decided on Lily. I decided she would have that little bit of rebellious youngest, only girl syndrome in the end.
Yes this is based strongly on The Giver but it has a lot of influences as well like the movie Equilibrium and lots of holocaust survior diaries.
Anyways thanks for the review, I should get the next chapter out as soon as I aquire a beta! Report Review
Love it! Very unique with explaining certain things. Update soon! By the way Great ending! UNDATE SOON!Author's Response: Thanks! I was hoping the ending wasn't going to be too obvious and I'm glad you weren't able to figure it out. ;-) Thank you for the lovely review. Report Review
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