12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Harry and Ginny Alohomora and Adventures in the Air

7th March 2009:
Well i can say this story caught my attention and this story is A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! will u make this through all the seven years at Hogwarts? Will u make Harry and Ginny fall in love? Who will Alana fall in love with? and most important, will u update soon please?^_^

10/10 all chapters

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: Thank you!! I'm so glad you're enjoying it!

I'm currently going through and editing the chapters I have now... I wrote a bit further and wanted to clean up the beginning a bit. This is my first story, so I figured it would be improved with a bit of editing.

And I'm not sure if I'll do all seven years... right now I'm thinking not, but I might do one shots of various parts... I currently have a story in validation that tells about Alana's life after school, with a prologue telling a few scenes from sixth and seventh year.. so check that out!

And you'll see who they fall in love with if you read that one ;]

Thanks so much for your review!!! :]


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Review #2, by TwilightPrincess Hogwarts, Home?

17th February 2009:
The problem I see in this story is not enough originality from you, the writer. I think it's great that you want to add a sister to Harry's life and see how it will play out, but staying too close to canon can be just as bad as going too far out of it. Right now, I don't even know which one you're doing. It's like you're rewriting JKR's story, and that's really canon, but you're giving Harry a sister, which is totally uncanon. I don't hate this story, I don't love it. I'm indifferent I guess.

I keep thinking about those twists in the plot you mentioned and I look forward to seeing them. Don't get too hung up about this review, either. I'm just one person. Keep writing!

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

Author's Response: Hm.. alright. I'm glad to hear something like this, it's constructive criticism, which I find always helps someone expand as a writer.

I guess I assumed it'd be easier to add her into the story with all the canony scenes in it, so that's what I was going for... but I'll try throwing some of my own stuff in there and see where it goes... I'll also try to add in more details...

Thank you for your reviews!


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Review #3, by TwilightPrincess The Wizarding World

17th February 2009:
Okay, so she's Harry's sister? The idea in general is overdone and almost never works, but I'm going to try and keep an open mind about it. I'm not against the idea of Harry having a sister; I actually think it could be a really good idea if written well. But right now, all you're giving me is HP by JKR except adding Alana. I'd love to see more of your personal style here. You could skip all of this beginning stuff if you wanted and get right to the good stuff. I don't quite see how all of this beginning is important to the plot, but I'll have to see.

Your OC is okay, but she could be so much more. Again, it's still kind of early to judge, but I'm wary.

Keep writing!

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #4, by sinwillys822 Alohomora and Adventures in the Air

17th February 2009:
i think the story is good and can't wait to read more about the sisters fearlessness.

Author's Response: I'm glad you're enjoying it... I'm not really sure if the fearless side of her character will really be shown in the earlier years, but eventually it will, I just felt like I had to introduce the character properly by starting in first year... keep reading though! I'm glad you've replied, it's the small encouragement that keeps us going! :]

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Review #5, by TwilightPrincess Their Sort

17th February 2009:
To be honest, I don't much care for this as the opening chapter of a new story. It doesn't do much to capture my attention, apart from the fact that a girl is answering to Aunt Petunia's pleas. Speaking of which, I don't know what to think of the situation. I don't understand where Alana stands here. Who is she? Is she related to Harry? To Dudley? I'm sorry if that information is here and I missed it, but either way, I don't think I can go for it. I'm all for anti-canon, but this goes a little far for me.

You had a lot of dialogue in this chapter and it would be beneficial if you added some more description to balance it out. Add more thoughts from your main character (and even sub-characters) to add more depth to the story.

As far as plot goes, this sounds just like the real HP except instead of Harry going to Hogwarts, it's this OC Alana. It's too early to judge, so I'll have to keep reading.

Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^

.:.Ilia.:.

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Review #6, by sinwillys822 The Wizarding World

17th February 2009:
i think u should continue the story.

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Review #7, by Lucy Alohomora and Adventures in the Air

17th February 2009:
I Like this story alot has it is somethink different(Harry has a twin), and I will like to see how you involve Alana in the stroy later on too.
To me it does feel abit rushed but i have read that you want to get to the older parts. Thats fine with me cause even though it sounds rushed it still got a very good flow and story line to it, so i more then happy to carry on reading! Cause i have read storys where they have been really rushed and im like argh! Lol. But your story is good!
Overall good chapter + story so far , and i cant wait to see hows this story will develop with Alana and etc.
9/10.
Lucy :)

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Review #8, by Phoenix_Flames Their Sort

17th February 2009:
Hello, there! I'm here with your review.

I'm so very sorry your request took so long for me to get around to. Life goes on, but I won't bore you with my reasons and excuses. :) I will get right to it.

First off, this is very unique. I like the idea of adding a sister to the story. When I read the summary, this isn't exactly what I was expecting, but this is better than what I was expecting. Good job!!

You write fine. I really didn't see many mistakes. Your descriptions are great, as well as your emotions, but I feel that your characterizations are a bit off. I can't really grasp Alana, nor can I grasp Harry... :/ I would suggest working on that a tad.

Now, your grammar/punctuation/spelling are brilliant, your layout seems to be a little odd and it makes it much harder to enjoy your story. Sometimes there are tabs up to three times and others there are none at all. I would suggest getting rid of the tabs completely. It just makes everything so much easier.

Other than deleting a few spaces here and there, this story was excellent and I can't wait to see where this goes and how you add Alana to the story. :)

As I have a huge queue waiting for reviews, I only have time to review the first chapter right now. But after I have emptied my queue, I will definitely be back for the next chapters. :)

Excellent job.

8/10

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I see that I'm going to have to slow things down and describe Harry more... I think I avoided it a bit because people technically already know him.. and well, you aren't supposed to know who Alana is... :] It comes up later, I'm already writing scenes that come about in later years... haha

And I don't know if the spacing has to do with the fact that I write this out in Microsoft Word first or not... cause when I put it into the edit field, it's only a space between the paragraphs and stuff, guess I'll have to figure that one out.

Thank you for the review! I'd be quite pleased if you came back and read more!!

:] alana


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Review #9, by SlytherinPrincess55 The Clipping

14th February 2009:
Okay, I would have reviewed every chapter, but I was into the story.
=-]
Lol I really like how you've worked Alana into the story and I loved her competitiveness with Hermione. It was great, and part of me is sad it was over so quickly. Lol
I've also got a story in which Harry has a twin, and I'm so stuck on it. Lol so it was a very nice to read someone else's version of it.
=-]
10/10
Update soon, its coming along spectacularly.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you've enjoyed it!! I think I've actually been rushing it a bit because I'm trying to get into the older parts, like fourth year and on, because I have so many more ideas for that... this is proving somewhat difficult for me to write! haha but it's great to know that you enjoyed it, and the next chapter's in the validation queue atm!!

-alana


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Review #10, by confusedlover The Wizarding World

13th February 2009:
very lovely.

wow, i noticed an incredible improvement from the first chapter. nice work.

your introductions of Alana do seem to be ranging on a bit as you mentioned, and even though you were aiming a bit toward later chapters, i kind of see where you were headed when you commented about that. it seems to me almost as if you are trying to say too much at the same time. slow down a bit and maybe things will work out a bit more efficiently. i think that is you take things one at a time, they will slowly build and explode and there will be the beauty of this all.

i thought that your flow was much improved from the previous chapter and even though that could be a little less rushed, you are onto the right track. as i mentioned before, just work a bit more with not trying to juggle more than what you can handle as a writer. a lot of writers have the same problem and unfortunately, it never concludes in a nice way.

continue to work with the tenses a bit more as well. i noticed a few mistakes that were not blaring or anything, but could get a bit annoying and all if they continue to be so consistent and easy fixes.

overall, i thought that you did a wonderful job on this second chapter. things are beginning to progress and i noticed a slight deepening in the plot itself. you have a fantastic start here and with a bit of improvement and hard work you will be off to a wonderful time. nice job.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all of the advice and I'm glad you liked the character! I did edit these, and I apologize for the extremely long time I took replying to this! I honestly have no idea why I never did... but I took it into mind when I was fixing them up :]

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Review #11, by confusedlover Their Sort

13th February 2009:
very lovely.

i thought that this was a very nice introduction to this story. i felt the overall sense of a beginning and the drag on for more to come, and for a first chapter, that seems to be the overall goal that writers wish to present to readers. that is a lovely element to start things off with.

i think that your characterization of your OC is starting off very nicely and even though this is only the first chapter, i can easily tell that she will be of great importance in future chapters. just make sure that you watch our for possible cliches that she could develop into. right now she is alright, but with female OC having this particular role, it is something to potentially worry about.

the flow of this chapter did seem a bit off. i felt as if you were rushing through things and as though you were either repetitive or too quick with your descriptions. work with slowing down a bit and spitting out exactly what you wish to say rather than rushing to the point of the entire chapter. once you do so, you will be able to work a bit more with developing your individual writing style and that will help to make this story that much more your own.

another thing that you should watch out for are your tenses. i noticed that in a few cases you were mixing up the meanings and tenses of words and that can arise to become a distraction for readers. they are an easy fix, however, and you should have no problem taking care of them with a simple edit and read through.

overall, i thought that this was a wonderful start to a story and think that this has great potential. this story is starting out to be very original with the plot and feel and if you work a little bit harder with improving a few aspects, you will definitely notice your writing take off and zoom to places you never could have foreseen.

onto the second chapter.

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Review #12, by Lotte The Wizarding World

13th January 2009:
It's perfect! Do I need to say more? XD

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it, and I really appreciate you saying something... I've been sitting here wondering if I should even bother continuing cause NO ONE had replied at all. So thank you! haha and I'll keep going on it :]

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