So, I'm not sure what I think of this. Normally when I read something that has two different point of views, I usually like to see something different than what has already been written, either in a part before it or another chapter. While this one, repeated a fair bit from Sirius's chapter. Which, I understand is a must since it's the same scenes, with one added in on why Lily missed her study-date with Sirius. However, that still doesn't make me feel any better about this chapter. Especially considering I just read the other. I felt rather bored reading the same thing twice.
Though, I did enjoy seeing why Lily and James broke up. Stupid James, doesn't he know boys are silly and think silly things that are totally and utterly fabricated by their own minds? Tsk tsk James.
And Lily, you stupid girl, you should know better than to take words said in anger so seriously, give the boy a few days and then show him what he's missing by making him jealous, not go after his best friend! lol
I did find one mistake that I think needs fixing. Just a typo, nothing serious.
"No, Lily! If you want to take a break to see othjer guys then -"
Overall, not my favourite chapter, I enjoyed Sirius's more. Though, I did enjoy the bits that were different between the two.Author's Response: I'm sorry you found it boring to read the events again in someone else's point of view, but I really wanted to write it this way. I thought it would be interesting to see both sides of the same story.
Thank you so much for reviewing. I really appreciate your opinions. =) Report Review
OMG! Sirius, you dog! I cannot believe Sirius even agreed to this whole this. I'm ashamed to think of Sirius even that much of a player to even consider kissing Lily. And yes, I realize that Sirius doesn't want to but still, he still went along with it!
Haha, good on you to invoke such emotion in me. Not many people can do that.Author's Response: XD Thank you for reviewing. I'm really glad I could get this kind of emotion out of you. It's truly an honor. Thank you =) Report Review
Wow, this short story set was wonderful. I thought that it was great. The fact that you gave the same story in two different perspectives was fantastic.
I can't really say anything constructive, because I couldn't find anything to correct. So I feel a little worthless. But I really did enjoy the piece. I have never really read Sirius/Lily, but in the last two days I'm discovering that there are many out there. So I will have to keep reading them, as I love things that are new and non-canon.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked reading the same story twice, basically. This story is either you love it or you hate it, so I'm really glad that your case was the former. Thank you so much! Report Review
I have to say I liked this chapter better than the last one. I think it was written better, to.
On the contrary, James, being left by myself to figure it out. That’s the sharpest blade. I think this could be better if you dropped the period and replaced "that's" with "is", making it one sentence. However, you could have done it that way for the sake of emphasis.
The more I think about it, the worse I feel. Change of tense - most of the chapter was written in past, and this in present.
Other than those two small things, I only caught a couple typos ("thought" instead of "though" and "othjer" instead of "other").
I also have to wonder why McGonagall would write an "S" on Lily's paper?
I like your characterization better this chapter, and I can totally see where Lily's coming from now. This chapter also compliments the first nicely, and I like how their feelings about their actions were pretty much the same and neither of them knew it. I like the impact of that quite a bit, and if you ever decided to write a fic dealing with the repercussions of their actions, I would love to read it.Author's Response: I figured you might =P
Again, I'm going with the grammar liberties clause on this one.
Urgh, tenses are my devil. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll fix it.
I thought I did my homework and S was the best... hm... perhaps I forgot to change it to an O when I went back and double checked the lexicon. Thanks for pointing that out, too.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the idea of this piece as a whole. I really appreciate your review ^_^ Report Review
For the most part, this was written well - easy to read, but not so simple that one does not know what's going on. I did find a couple of mistakes.
“Mr. Black? If you don’t ace tomorrow’s test, you will most certainly fail my course. That means detention for months.”
That question mark should probably be a comma, and I find it hard to picture McGonagall using the phrase "ace the test".
She just dove right it.
You mean in/into it?
Besides that, there were a couple of sentences beginning with "But" that probably should have been attached to the preceding sentence using a comma. Other than these few things, I think you did well with grammar. Good job.
Characterization...I'm iffy on this one. It's hinted at in the books that Sirius was talented in school, and although it's easy to see him as a slacker (like Fred and George - they were brilliant but cared little for school), I find it hard to believe he'd let things get that out of hand. You have him seeming very horrible at school here, and he seems to stress a bit about it more than the arrogant Sirius we see in the books would. Didn't seem very Sirius-like. Apart from this, I have no complaints on his character, and I think you got him and James spot on. I'm holding out on my thoughts on Lily until I read the next chapter.
I must admit I think the idea of James testing Lily via Sirius is original/good, and I'm glad you made Sirius not like doing it. OTOH, it seemed that he would have stopped at kissing if he really felt that bad about it. Still, I think you did well overall and I am interested to see how the rest of this will play. I did like Sirius's thoughts the last little bit, about feeling like he was going to hell and such.Author's Response: Thank you. McGonagall was difficult for me to write. I guess I'll just need more practice. Thanks for pointing out those typos.
The grammar mistakes like sentences starting with 'but' were intentional. I believe that when writing in first-person, small liberties with the rules of grammar are allowed. =)
I always imagined young Sirius to be bright but just lazy, like Fred and George. I'm sorry you didn't care for my depiction of him.
Thank you! The idea for James to test Lily was a big risk, but I'm glad at least one person liked it. Thank you so much. This review has really helped me =) Report Review
Incredibly story. Beautifully written and very well-thought out. I loved it.Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it =) Report Review
Wow, that was incredible! Absolutely love it xAuthor's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it =) Report Review
Your story is AMAZING! It is fiction...yet so real. When you read it, it is like you are experiencing what is happening.
The switch to Lily's POV was a brilliant idea. I felt so sorry for poor Sirius when Lily sisn't show but then you find out that she really did in a way have a valid reason.
James was a bad friend for putting sirius in that position. Yet that in my opinion was one of the best twists in the story so far.
Your writing is so emotional, it flows so easily. The way that you made the last scenes seem so emotional, yet neither had any emotional attachment to each other was so good.
It makes you feel sorry for them both and for what they are getting themselves both in to.
(ps. who's Lily on your banner, she's so pretty) 10/10 for the story. XDAuthor's Response: Thank you! I can't explain how happy I am to hear that you thought this was realistic. I'm really glad you liked this story. Thank you for reviewing!
I'm sorry but I don't know who that is on the banner. Report Review
THIS STORY IS SOO GOOOD! PLEASE KEEP WRITING!!Author's Response: Thank you! I will ^_^ Report Review
that was such an amazing chapter that i dont even know what to say!Author's Response: Thank you! ^_^ Report Review
Wow- this is dark! I see what you mean by "it's all a lie". Lily is really cold, Sirius is in a vortex, and James is overprotective.
Again, amazing description- good flow. I'm still in shock, which is I guess what you're aiming at =D
But- argh- repaying a favor? That's really sick. You are a very thought-provoking writer. Kudos for such a fast, intense story! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I appreciate that you were surprised, because that is the kind of epiphany I was trying to do.
Thank you so much! Report Review
Hey - I'm HogwartsMarauder over at the forums- and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to review =)
Well, for one, what a shocking opening chapter! Your flow was good, and you're a very descriptive writer (but not overly so- you struck a good balance). I am a little confused at your characterization of Sirius- Sirius is supposed to be extremely talented at Transfiguration, as he's an Animagus, but I suppose that's just artistic license. Lily's portrayal also threw me for a loop- why did she suddenly decide to go snog Sirius? I suppose she's just really angry at James? But I wasn't sure why, when she didn't even want to talk to him, she'd do that- I mean, there's guilt, and then there's that.
It was a stroke of brilliance for you to make Sirius feel the way he does when he kisses Lily- dirty, contaminated. I didn't follow your logic as to why James wanted Sirius to ask her out- it makes James seem really shallow.
And why isn't Lupin at the top of the class as well?
Good start- really original- I'm off to read the next chapter. =DAuthor's Response: Hi! No worries =)
Thank you! I understand that Sirius is a very smart person and everything, but my impression of him is that he is just lazy and therefore some of his endeavors in school suffer. Lilly's characterization is a different story, and I think you'll have to read the next chapter to fully understand =P
Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you've had to say =) Report Review
Honestly, I think this may be absolute perfection.
:)Author's Response: Wow! I'm so glad you think that way. Thank you ^_^ Report Review
Goodness. You just keep getting better and better! I am utterly speechless, my dear, this is fan fiction gold. The plot is so original and keeps me on tenterhooks. Again, I barely noticed the 4,000+ words breeze by, I was that absorbed (a remarkable feat, I must say!). I can’t really say anything critical because there is nothing that I would change. You are an excellent author; I was humbled just reading this. Everything – plot, characterization, flow, dialogue – was excellent and realistic. Wonderful work.
It was interesting to read the paralleled chapters. I like how it showed how something can be so misconstrued that the only real way of deciphering someone's thoughts is to get in their head or ask them. People can wear masks and mislead people, and ultimately creates problems.
I’m just a huge fan of yours now.
DaniAuthor's Response: Thank you! Wow, what great compliments. I'm blushing ^_^
I'm really glad you liked this. Actually, I'm firstly glad that you understood this. I figured that people would have a lot of questions after the first chapter, but once this one is read, I wanted everything to make sense.
Thank you so much! I really can't describe how great this makes me feel ^_^ Report Review
Hello! Your review, as requested :)
McGonagall seems a little harsher than usual. I can picture her berating a student for their lack of effort, but she seemed almost Snape-like in her comments. Another characterization discrepancy is that Sirius is supposed to be really smart, I don’t picture him on the verge of failing, you know?
Other then those little things, you have an absolutely spectacular story here. It’s original, witty, enchanting – I’m absorbed and hanging on your every word. You’ve established an excellent flow that makes it really easy to read – usually, I drift off when chapters reach around 4,000 words, but you had me captivated. You vary your diction (my tired brain thanks you!) and I couldn’t find any grammar or sentence-structure mistakes. And you write really, really well. There were so many sentences and paragraphs that I wanted to point out, but in the end it got to be too many. So I have two:
I really liked this sentence: “It would be you, Padfoot,” said James, laughing. Remus and Peter’s expressions agreed, but I saw a subtle hint of apology in Lily’s face.” It was perfectly realistic in terms of characterization and dialogue, and it flowed well and provided a nice visual image. All in one sentence ^_^ Also, loved this sentence: “Since McGonagall was a machine and was completely void of human emotion and a social life, she had the tests graded and ready to hand back the next day.” It made me laugh… and reminded me of my history teacher who somehow manages the same thing. ^_^
I love the plot. I’ve never read anything like it, and a fresh take on the Marauders is always welcome. I love them, but sometimes I feel like I get déjà vu when I’m reading a story because it’s so clichéd and similar to dozens of others. This, though, was completely your own. Kudos!
p.s. Who’s the lovely boy on the banner? I have a hunch, but I’d feel like a fool if I was wrong ^_^Author's Response: Thank you! I always kind of imagined McGonagall as a hardcore teacher like that, so perhaps it's just an interpretation difference. I didn't mean to portray that Sirius was stupid by any means. I just pictured him as being so lazy that he might be doing kind of poorly in school.
Thank you so much! I usually don't like to write too much but I didn't want to make this any longer than a one-shot, so thanks for sticking through it.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your review ^_^
It's Ben Barnes. =) Report Review
I liked this chapter a lot. It really filled in a lot of gaps from the Sirius chapter. It must have been a challenge to keep the chapters (especially the Sirius chapter) separate, to stick with the respective points of view.
What impresses me most about this chapter is that even though I knew what was going to happen, it still seemed new. Of course, part of that is because you added in details we didn't know from the Sirius chapter, but part of it is because you gave a distinct voice to both Lily and James.
Gah! Scenes like the one at the end always want to make me shake the characters and force them to realize what the other is thinking!Author's Response: Thank you! The more I think about it, the more I realize that this story really can't be read one without the other. Thank you for understanding. =P Thanks for the great reviews! Report Review
McGonagall reminded me more of Snape than anyone else, really. Still, you probably needed an evil teacher to set up the rest of the plot. One problem area I did notice is how you transition from the missed study session into the test the next day. There isn't much of a transition, and I thought at first that Sirius had simply fallen asleep in the library. I know you put horizontal breaks in there to set it off, but I thought it denoted a dream! I really liked the test questions, though. That was a great touch.
The breakup felt a little sudden I know this is a one-shot, but if Sirius had maybe seen them briefly argue or glare at each other or something, that would have made it seem more natural. I also am surprised Lily was so ready to go along with his "seduction" attempts on the very day of her breakup, but I guess that means her relationship with James really wasn't doing well at all. And they are teenagers after all. I know a lot of teen relationships change that quickly.
Anyway, enough nitpicking and complaining. I like your style of writing. The pace in this chapter moved along very quickly. You manage to set up scenes very well with description, so that it was easy to imagine, but a lot happened! Also, you did a great job of imagining a horrible day for Sirius: Failing a test, getting stuck with loads of detentions, and then feeling like he's betraying his friend. The quotes you picked out were good. Did you build the story around them?Author's Response: Thank you! I always pictured her as a hardcore teacher, so maybe that's why it seems weird for her to be so mean to them. But I guess it's just my interpretation of her character.
Those worries you have will be addressed in the next chapter, I promise. =P But you're right. Teenagers are unpredictable.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your input ^_^ Report Review
wow i really liked this chapter too. its a very different perspective of the story and helps us to understand what happend between lily and james. it also tells us that lily didn't really want to be with sirius either. it was a really interesting read and i enjoyed it.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. I'm really glad you understood it. Thanks so much ^_^ Report Review
i thought it was really funny in the beginning when mcgonagall said she wouldn't say whos paper it is then has sirius come and get it. i honestly didn't know what to expect when i began this story but its very creative and i like it. i like the idea of sirius doing this for james and not because he wants to. its a really good chapter and your writing style is good too.
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you! Believe it or not that actually happened to my dad when he was in school, and I thought it would be interesting to put in a story. Thanks so much ^_^ Report Review
Wow, I really love the way you're writing this, it's different than anything I've ever read! It's refreshing! At the same time, I feel myself just totally getting lost in the story, which is awesome. Don't we all just strive to make the reader forget about everything else, to have your words swirling around them, pulling them into another world? Great job. Not much CC I can offer here, except you might want to look over the first half of this chapter-there were a few grammatical errors, but other than that, great job! Feel free to rerequest when you've updated, it would be my pleasure to review more chapters!
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm sorry to disappoint you but this is the end =P It was only two parts. Thank you so much for your great reviews. I really appreciate it ^_^ Report Review
Hey, it's honeybabycakes1013 from the HPFF forums here with your requested review!
You know, I usually dislike anything to do with the Sirius/Lily ship, but I think the way you've kind of done it here is both artful and in good taste. I love the situational irony use here, as Sirius is seducing her, yet hating every moment of it. It puts that feeling in the pit of the reader's stomach that really connects you to a story. You've done a really nice job with this so far and the plot is great so far. It makes me want to read more, great job.
~HoneyAuthor's Response: Thank you! I find that not too many people are keen on Sirius/Lily, but I was eager to step into that realm and see what I could do. So glad you enjoyed it. Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
Oh my goodness. WOW. This chapter was completely amazing, and it totally destroyed every single preconcieved notion I had from reading the other one yesterday.
Your characterization of Lily was absolutely brilliant, and the way that you used these two chapter to bring the story together at the end really made this story very special.
The way you wrote the breaking-up scene in this chapter was very accurate, to the point where I can remember saying some of those things when I get into fights with my boyfriend. Another thing I liked was the inclusion of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice into this. That was original and a very nice touch :)
As a whole, AMAZING story. The second chapter really pulled together your story and gave it an amazing conclusion, in which I almost cried. I feel sorry for them both, and the situation that James put Sirius into...
10/10 great job!Author's Response: XD Thank you! See, that's why I didn't want to say anything about the last review. =P
I'm glad to hear you think my characterization of Lily is good. I hoped it all made sense but I still wanted it to be Lily-ish.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your reviews ^_^ Report Review
Hi, it's Sarah (dracosgurlx) from the forums, here to review as requested!!
First of all, I loved the way you wrote McGonagall's character in this story so far, but I was a bit confused with why failing a class earned you detention...it seems to me like a better way to punish a student while making the punishment effective would be to make him come everyday for tutoring for a few hours, not detention. But it's your story, your choice.
Lily...She seems a bit, well, evil so far. Don't get me wrong: you characterized her well. I'm just shivering over what she's doing to James. And poor Sirius...you've written his emotions amazingly well, describing everything he feels while he's "betraying" his best friend.
All the same, I can't believe Lily doesn't suspect anything...Sirius is, after all, James's best friend first and foremost. Sirius and James were friends long before Lily and Sirius ever spoke.
Excellent chapter--I don't think I spotted any grammar/spelling mistakes :)
On to the next!Author's Response: Thank you! I see what you mean about the punishment, but for the sake of the story, he needed detention.
I'm not going to say anything about your comments about Lily because they will be answered in the next chapter.
Thank you! I was scared to write Sirius because I didn't want him to be cliche, but it means a lot to me to hear that you liked him.
Thank you so much ^_^ Report Review
Hey there TwilightPrincess! So sorry it took me awhile to get to the second chapter! :(
I love how you have two point of views of Sirius and Lily. It gives us a chance to get into their mind and 'hear' what they are thinking. :)
Your discriptiveness is right on and I love the little 'Dear Me' letter Lily wrote to herself! :P
Great start! :)
AliciaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked this. I really appreciate your reviews! Report Review
Hey TwilightPrincess! Tinkerbell01 here to review! ^_^ Sorry it took me so long. I've had one uber busy week! :(
Anywho. I think you have a great start. I like how you have James get Sirius to go out with Lily to 'test' their relationship. :)
But there is one thing that bugged me. When you have Sirius thinking those two questions, I think there could be a better way of describing those than the old a, b, c way. You might want to have a beta check that over! ;)
Other than that, I think you have a great start! ^_^
AliciaAuthor's Response: Thank you! I understand what you mean but I kind of like the way I did it. I'll look it over just to be sure. Thanks for the great review! Report Review
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