Another great chapter!
Something I really like about her is that her Dad was a muggle - just because she likes muggle sports and so on too. It makes it more original than if she would be a pure-blood with no muggles what-so-ever in her whole family.
Something else I liked was that she was afraid to be sorted into Slytherin or Huflepuff because no one she knows had been there - not because she disliked the houses.
Mel is a really great character, and I really liked this chapter. Nice work.Author's Response: Woo-hoo, glad you like it!
Yes well, I wanted Melody to be able to play muggle sports and I didn't want to stick with the whole pureblood cliche.
Ah, yes. I was wondering if anyone would catch on to that - she doesn't know (and I don't think she'd care all that much) about Hogwarts' four houses. So it's perfectly acceptable to not dislike the houses, non?
Thank you very much, again, for your absolutely heartwarming review! Report Review
Hello, it's inkscribble here with your requested review :]
I enjoyed this story very much. You have a very nice writing style and I found it very realistic and quite amusing actually how their Mum was gushing about everything before leaving. Of course, the ending was hardly funny but it was very nicely written. So far, even though it's only a prolouge, I think you've made your main character very believable. The smallest things like making her tuck away her book neatly makes who she is. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you for the review [:
Aw, thank you. Haha, yeah - I wanted to make her the kind of Mum who is extremely over-protective and is constantly worried but at the same time, an extremely loving and caring mother - I guess it's what I wish I had in a Mum, if that makes sense.
Thank you - I was a tad antsy with the ending but I couldn't think of any other way to end it than the way I did. I'm glad that you liked the ending though - it makes me relieved, haha.
Ah, finally - someone says the main character is believable! I've been so worried about that because a friend of mine told me that she sounded like a Mary-Sue (although, this friend is also one that has envied everything about me and is constantly trying to insult me).
Thank you for your absolutely wonderful review! I hope you continue to read - I'm 1/4 through the second chapter. Report Review
Hello! It's Potterholic from the forum. I apologize for the delay; my life has been hectic lately. =) Anyway, this is a good start. I like how you portrayed the love and closeness of the family, and you did a good job describing the emotions too. So far the characterization is good, and I'm looking forward to seeing her cope with the death of her parents. Keep it up!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review! Don't worry about it--my life has been the exact same.
It won't exactly be a story that follows the prologue--that was just to show why she was living with her Aunt in England. But thanks for your comments.
(: Report Review
i'm sooo sorry, im am SUCH an idiot, i'm kinda reading 2 storys at the same time rite at the mo, so i accidently thought that this AMAZING story was the other one...
ps please check out my story 'three little words' thanksAuthor's Response: Haha, no worries! We all make mistakes sometimes. [:
Thank you for calling my story amazing; it gives me a burst of happiness. [:
I'll be sure to check it out if I have the time. If I don't check it out soon, just remind me in your next review (if you read more, I mean).
~ Lilith Report Review
oooh, luv it!!!
sooo cool, although i'm VERY confused, is she Hermione, has she always been like this etc.
xxxAuthor's Response: Er.. there's no Hermione in my story? Lol. Report Review
Here as requested! The story is a bit confusing, there isn't much detail and I don't know who the POV character is. The writing style is very good though, it just needs some polishing. I love the last 2 paragraphs, it just like snaps. I love it.
~nickyAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review. [:
Haha, yes, I am aware of that- this is only the Prologue though, not to worry. [:
I've posted the first chapter on one of the message boards I go to, and they liked the chapter very much. I assure you that it includes much more detail than the Prologue.
Thank you for your review and rating. [: Report Review
Hello, it's WeasleyTwins here to review as you requested. I would like to apologize for the delay :]
Personally, I think you should capitalize your title. It's only proper English, of course, and could cause possible readers to simply skip your story.
"I was watching the movie with much enthusiasm, much to Alexander's amusement." - If I'm correct, wouldn't this be Benjamin, not Alexander?
I did enjoy that Benjamin and Melody seem like normal teenagers, they're not too over-dramatic or Mary-Sue-ish. I would like to point out that you never actually mentioned Melody's name in the story. I know that the story is in first-person POV, but perhaps, her brother could say her name. I had to go back and look at your summary to find her name.
This is just a suggestion, of course, but I think that you should add a bit more to the last part. It was done beautifully, but I felt that it was a bit rushed. I would have loved to read a little more on what Melody was thinking and feeling.
This was a great start, especially for your very first fanfiction!
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Hi, thank you for reviewing- it's no problem that you were delayed, everyone is! :]
Alright, thank you for that. :] I'll edit the Prologue's title and such after the holidays are over.
Yes, you would be correct. Many people have pointed that out to me, and I originally named my character Alexander, but changed it, and I overlooked that one.
Well, it's still the Prologue; the first chapter has her name and everything. The Prologue was just to set the story up, and it's not supposed to reveal to much.
Well, actually, something similar as to what happened with Melody at the end happened to me. I found out my uncle- who was like my father- died, and I didn't feel anything. I had an immediate panic attack, just like Melody.
Thank you for your review! Report Review
Ok, first thing I notice, and this is just me being really picky, is that you didn’t capitalize your title. But that’s just a personal pet peeve.
Verbs. You can’t add a (‘d) after every verb to make it a contraction. Example: “that she’d explain every time she’d have to go to an important event with my father and leave Benjamin and I home alone. We’d…” Okay, the first one is ‘she would’, the second one is also ‘she would’, but the third one is ‘we had’. I know it works grammatically, and according to the dictionary, but I think that using the entire word in at least one instance might help your writing seem more polished. That’s just me though. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with the way you have it.
Accent/dialect-wise, are you British or have you studied British English? Because the majority of your dialect comes across sounding British, or at least passably so, but then your narration comes across confused. Half the time it’s British, the other half it’s not, or at least seems more American sounding.
Character confusion, probably just a typo. much to Alexander’s amusement – Alexander is her dad…she’s currently home with her brother Benjamin.
Nice way to spike the plot at the end. Predictable, but unavoidable.
Overall, I think your story has a lot of potential. It’s going to be interesting to see what you end up doing with the characters. I would have liked to have had more characterization of the girl and her brother, that way there would be more to compare them with to see how they take the news of their parents’ deaths.
Because you are working with OC’s, you have a lot more room to manipulate them, which gives you more potential to avoiding clichés (every author’s nightmare).
I look forward to seeing how your story ends up progressing. Feel free to ask me for another review when you update again!
~CrazyForYouAuthor's Response: This is possibly the longest and most helpful review I've had so far.
I usually just do the whole lowercase thing for show. It's usually how I write my chapters and such.
Haha, thanks for that. I'll attempt to do that for the first chapter, and we'll see how that works.
I'm actually not British. I'm happy that you think at least half sounds British, but I'll work on the second half. I haven't exactly researched a lot about Britain dialect and such. I'm actually Canadian, not American. xD
But thanks for telling me that- I'll be sure to try and make the whole thing sound British, since that is my goal.
Yes, it's a typo, but thank you for pointing that out. I originally had Benjamin named Alexander, but changed it. I overlooked that part by accident. I'll fix it as soon as I have time.
Ah, yes, I know it's predictable, but I could think of no other way to fit that in. This prologue is just a way to start off the story, but explaining why the two siblings are living in England with their Aunt.
Like I said above, I'm not going to focus on the year before her parents died, how she and her brother took the news, and the two years before her Sixth Year
Thank you for the GREAT review, and I'll be sure to ask you for more reviews!
Thanks, Lilith. Report Review
SilverShadow04 here from the forums!
I was watching the movie with much enthusiasm, much to Alexander's amusement.
I think this was a typo and you meant to put Benjamin, if not then I'm confused because the father left with the mother.
Your writing is excellent and wonderfully simple and easy to read. And you did a good job by setting up the foundation of the story in the prologue for the chapters to follow.
I also thought that the description in the last paragraph was also very well written.
Pain rushed through my body, starting at my heart first and then reaching everywhere else. I gasped for breath as my lungs closed up, and my hand gripped my chest.
Very intense and I could almost feel it.Author's Response: Oh! Thanks for finding that mistake! I originally named him Alexander, but changed it at the last minute. I must have overlooked changing that! Thank you very much for pointing it out!
Thank you; this is actually my first harry potter fan fiction story. I have another one in the works, but I won't start that until I have this completed- my goal is to finish this at least within a year, hopefully less.
Thank you- that was one thing that I knew how to write, simply because I've had panic attacks before. Of course, it's not easy to write about a panic attack, since there are no words for one, but I hope I did it justice.
Thank you for the review, and I hope you'll be reading the next chapters as well. [: Report Review
Hey there, I'm Rachel and I'm here as you requested
For your first fan fiction chapter i thought that this was really good. I was very drawn into it because of your descriptions and dialogue. i cannot wait to see where you go with it. i didn't see any grammarish issues but if you're worried perhaps you could get a beta.
Very nicely done. Sorry i couldn't be anymore helpful. I'll come by and request a review from you in a bit
~ RachelAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for responding! Thank you for that. I tried to make it descriptive, but not up to the point where it got boring to read. I'm happy you were intrigued by my way of writing. I'm not exactly worried as of yet, but I get OCD over grammatic errors and such.
Oh no, you were very helpful in making me happy that there are people who like my writing. I'll be awaiting for your review request!
-- Lilith Report Review
I like this! There were no grammatical errors that I can see, and so far the characterization was good and readable. I also like the cliffie at the end!
This was well written, and I would read more!
Have a good Christmas! :DAuthor's Response: First off, I'd like to say thank you for your review! I really appreciate it. A lot of people [I've posted this on other forums I go on] said they couldn't find any grammatical errors, which is odd, considering I overlook at least one or two during my editing process. But I'm glad that you didn't find any, as it makes me extremely happy. Haha, I ended it that way so you all would want to read more [oh yeah, I'm sly] [;
But really, the next chapter will be two years later, when Melody is about a month or two away from her sixth year.
Thank you for the comment, once again, and I'll get the chapter finished as soon as possible. Although, it won't get validated until AFTER January first. So sorry in advance for the long wait you'll have to endure! I promise I'll make the wait worth your while, though! [:
Happy Christmas to you as well! Report Review
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