wow this was a really good story. you did an excellent job for portraying all characters personalities Report Review
Hey Liam R, it's notreallyblonde44 from the forums here to give the review I have owed you on this story back from January. I'm so sorry it has taken me so long! Hope this helps anyways :)
'who broke Dumbledore's nose, for surely that is how his nose ended up that way.' -Love this detail and your attention to detail in general. It is just enough to get the reader curious and not all explanation for the reader to lose their imagination too. I'm really enjoying the story so far as it is one that is not often told and it is refreshing to have something different be told for sure.
'and his features looked worried and tired, as though he had not slept in wee.' -weeks
Very interesting turn of events, witnessing the decline of Dippet and his senses. I think some of my issue in really caring about the character of Dippet was that I have no sense of who he was as a wizard. Although I am sure that Dumbledore is better, I'm not sure by how much. Like was Dippet truly terrible? Some contrast in maybe the way Dumbledore sees the current Headmaster versus when Dippet first hired Dumbledore would be nice here.
'letting his night vision adjust' -Perhaps you mean his eyes adjust to the darkness? Or is this an animalistic, snakelike ability?
'"Open," he hissed in Parseltongue, his grin growing wider as the passage began to open.' - his grin grew wider
'"Hello again, friend," hissed Riddle. The huge snake turned towards him and hissed a reply.
Inside one of the cubicles behind them a girl was crying.' - This just in narration needs a break or something, I was so confused for a second there :P
I liked how you executed Myrtle's death, it was very sudden and almost unexpected even though it's very well-known. I find that the quickness of the attack was supported by the quickness of the narration and writing. So I felt that that worked really well and made her death very blunt and horrific simultaneously.
'playful-looking silver monkey' - Usually a patronus takes on the emotional characteristics of its user. Think Tonks in the 6th book sending a message for Harry to Dumbledore, her patronus altered. So I don't think with the news given that Dippet would be big, happy and playful. Although I do like that that is his normal patronus because it gives a great contrast to the readers.
I really liked the ending and this piece in general. I felt that the story was well told and definitely different and unique because it hasn't been told before. I pretty much felt that your story is something I can look to as canon in the sense that the characters were spot on. Other than the changes I suggested above I really don't have anything to add I think this was certainly a well-written piece of fiction and the narration styles transitioned pretty effectively and seamlessly. Good stuff!
Lisa Report Review
I liked it! I few minor mistakes here and there ("as though he had not slept in wee." for example) but nothing that drew away from the story. The part including Myrtle was great but I would suggest keeping each part of the story from one characters point of view. That particular part was from Riddle's pov. I don't think it was necessary to explain who she was until after her death. It was kinda confusing to jump from Riddle's point of view to Myrtle's. Just my opinion though.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I was always curious as to the events surrounding this particular incident during the school's history. I love Dumbledore's apprehension and cautious approach to Riddle and how he didn't accuse he. Very well done! 9/10
~Celtic~Author's Response: I know about the mistakes. Eep, sorry about that. I thought my beta had found them all anyway, but apparently not :/
Well, you do have a point, although I really think it was necassery to include that. And plus, the story is mainly centered on Dumbledore and Voldemort anyway.
Thank you! I don't think Dumbledore would have ever confronted him about it, more likely he'd just look on, but be wary about it.
Thanks alot for the review :) Report Review
First off, I must say I rather like your title. I know, a little random, since I'm here to review the story, but its witty.
With that out of the way, this was a good read. Insight into a story that's always been there but never fully described or explained is a great plot for a fic. Regarding Dumbledore's characterization, I thought you wrote him rather magnificently. I haven't written too much of Dumbledore myself, but when I did, I thought I couldn't possibly capture the man behind the twinkling eyes. I found that you, however, have.
When he was speaking, it sounded the way JK would write him; with intelligence and poise. Well done!
-Mrs Roonil WaslibAuthor's Response: Yay! I like the title aswell ^_^
Thank you! I'm glad you think I really captured Dumbledore. I thought he was pretty easy to write, actually.
I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hey, LucyLovegood here from the forums.
OK, so I'm going to concentrate on the Dumbledore factor - like you asked - but also because the rest is really good. Your characterisation of Tom in particular was great, he was creepy and terrifying and power-hungry and wonderful.
So, Dumbledore. Your other reviewers are right in saying that you've written him well - he's not to easy to write but you've given him this fantastic 'authority without arrogance', which is a huge part of what Dumbledore's all about. His interaction between Dippet was believable and was handled well. I think it's hard to write Dumbledore because there is the magical spark to him, he's so witty and there's that spark in his eye - but under the grave circumstances of your story, there really isn't an opportunity for this to come through. There was only one point that I felt he seemed a bit OOC, and that would be, "His smirk, his swagger, they were all something more than they seemed, and he knew then that the boy was pure evil." I don't think Dumbledore would ever think anyone to be "pure evil" - he's so compassionate and one of the reasons he never feared Voldemort was because he knew his tragic history and pitied him. Other than that, there's no need for concern. He's great.
A really interesting and original story. Well done.Author's Response: It says that? O.o
I can seriously not even remember writing that, but thanks for pointing that out.
But I'm glad that, all in all, you liked Dumbledore's characterisation. I think I'm actually going to shut up about his character now, because nobody has said he was unbelievable or badly written ^_^
Yay, and you liked Tom! I loved writing him, it was creepy ^_^
Thank you so much for your review :) Report Review
Since your main concerns were Dumbledore's characterization and your description, I'll start out with those. I thought your characterization of Dumbledore was spot on, especially in his 'earlier' years, I'd imagine he would be a bit more the way you've portrayed him. Of course, we all see canon characters differently, but agree on many points. As far as your description went, I thought it was lovely, though you didn't have to say it was 'very late now', as the reader can likely assume this.
While I do think this is a beautifully crafted piece, my main concern with it was the fact that I didn't feel the first lines drew me in that well. I can only speak for myself and not others with this, but I felt like while it did put one in the story, it didn't catch. Does that make sense? The first few sentences are very important in drawing the reader into the story, and I didn't feel they did this story much justice.
All in all, I did enjoy the story, but there are parts I felt could be better. Good job!Author's Response: First of all, I'm sorry if the first lines didn't draw you in too well. This was a kind of spur of the moment story. One afternoon I was just hit with it, and I went and wrote it in the space of about three hours, so maybe that's one of the reasons ^_^
From this review, and others, I can see that I might be being a little paranoid about Dumbledore's characterisation, and it's good to see you thought I kept him canon.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hey there Liam m'boy!
Guess who it is! It is I, Rose Wilts. Ha ha, I bet you had NO idea, what with my secretive pen name and all.
Well, I really love the idea for this fic! It's definitely what I'd call original, I've never seen anything like this here. Though, mind you, my reading repitoire is sort of limited XD
I must say, I'm SUPER impressed with you. You've tackled probably the three main characters I'd never DREAM of tackling. They're such challenging people for me to write, so I commend you, because you did it wonderfully!!! I really loved your portrayals of all of them, particularly the dialogue between Albus and Armando. That was great. It seemed so real and natural, you have skills my friend :)
The only thing I spotted that you MAY want to fix was this- as though he had not slept in wee.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh, it was HILAIROUS. Ha ha.
Apart from that, it was a REALLY good one-shot, I really like how you write and I promise I'll be back to review again.
Laura/Rose/Posie whatever XDAuthor's Response: O.o
Gah, since when did it say that? It should say weeks! D;
I will most certainly be changing that, Laura m'dear!
I shall be all over that like a cop over donughts.
Thanks for pointing it out ;D
But yay, I'm glad you liked it overall. That reminds me, I've never actually read any of your stories *shocked*
TO THE BATMOBILE!
(thanks for the review L-L-Laaurraa :D) Report Review
I think you did a brilliant job with this story. You did excellently with keeping the characters in character. I love the way you filled in some of the blanks of the story. This story was very well written and it flowed wonderfully from beginning to end. Great job ... keep up the good work :)Author's Response: I'm glad you think they were in character! I was pretty concerned about that ...
The whole point of this story is to fill in what we don't know from that time, so I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the review ^_^ Report Review
Oh another excellent story by Liam!!!
This was very good. Your work just gets better and better. I'm a big fan of you. I don't have much to say other than keep it up. ;)
10/10Author's Response: *blush*
A big fan? Aha, that's nice to hear.
Yay, thank you for your lovely reviews, they've really made me smile. Report Review
First of all, well done. A very important part of wizarding history lies here, unfolded, as an example for future generations of witches and wizards to learn from.
The characters are well portrayed, the dialogues are on their place. Altogether a very solid piece of writing.
ZoltanAuthor's Response: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it (: Report Review
Wow. My first reaction really is, "Wow."
I've never really read any stories that centre around Dumbledore, and it was your request for a review that brought me here. I'm not sure I would have otherwise, but I'm glad that I read this. It really is a powerful piece of writing.
You said that you were concerned about your characterisation of Dumbledore. I think you're being excessively paranoid. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. This is Dumbledore. This is the Dumbledore we all envision while he speaks his words of wisdom in the books. This Dumbledore, the one we all know and love, is the Dumbledore you wrote. Well done.
I like the idea of this story, as well. I've never really thought much about a story describing what happened around the time when Myrtle was killed, but it's given me a lot to think about, particularly what Dumbledore must be thinking. I never thought that he would be almost horrified that Riddle received an award, but it makes so much sense. Of course Dumbledore would have known. He did empathise with Hagrid, after all.
I like this story because it has layers to it, and it's made me think about those layers. And it just... flows beautifully. It really does. Both your description and dialogue work well together, and I can't find anything wrong.
Perhaps my only criticism would be your third sentence:
Students were being attacked left right and centre, and not to mention it was happening right under his nose.
It's the phrase 'not to mention' that I think could be removed or replaced. It's hard to describe, but it almost feels like you're telling us that you, the author, are the one who is writing the story and I like to forget that happens when I'm reading something. I don't want the author to say something along the lines of, "And now I will tell you what happened on that night, so many years ago". Not that you've written like that, no. But it is similar in some ways. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. I hope I am. If not, just ignore me!
I really liked this story. You've done Dumbledore's character justice and should be proud of it.
:]Author's Response: Well, my first reaction when I saw this amazing review was, "Wow." ^_^
I agree with you here about Dumbledore. Personally, I don't read many Dumbledore fics myself, or certainly not ones with him as the main character, because alot of people tend to butcher his character and make him really OOC, which is probably the main reason I was so worried about writing him.
It means alot to me that you think I can write him well, so thank you for that, maybe I am being a tad paranoid ^_^
They were some of the things I took into consideration. We all know Tom won that award, and yet we also know that he never truly believed Tom, so I had to think with that combined with everything had happened, that Dumbledore would be outraged that he'd won an award, not that he'd say that to anyone else, of coure.
I can see where you're coming from with that actually. The sentence would still work without that phrase. Yeah, I think I'll probably get rid of that sometime.
Thank you so much for your review, and I'm glad you liked it (: Report Review
Wow, Hey There Liam! I'm finally glad that i got to read one of your stories. It was a real pleasure to be able to read yours. It was lovely, i honestly have no cc for you. You really know how to write. I really like your descriptions. Dumbledore seems nearly exactly in character. It was great! You did a really good job! please request another review whenever you want too! :)
- RachelAuthor's Response: WOAH.
Thank you for that epic review.
To be told that I really know how to write means so much to me.
Thank you so much, Rachel.
And thank you for getting around to this so fast aswell! ^_^ Report Review
Well I have no cc for you. I think you did a wonderful job with Dumbledore's character and he is not a small feat to pull off. Other than that I like the originality of this piece, I've never read anything similar. I like your play with the words. The story speaks to me you know. I like your descriptions and figurative language. The dialogue isn't choppy or anything. Above all, I think this is very well written .
ChellDaBelle1030Author's Response: Awh, thank you!
My dialogue between Dumbledore and Dippet is what worried me most about this story, along with Dumbledore's characterisation.
So thanks for the review, it means alot to me that you enjoyed it. Report Review
This is the first dumbledore fic I've read, I think. I'm always wary of unfortunate characterisation, but I thought you wrote dumbledore extremely well. He's by no means an east character to write, and I have to admire you for taking on such a challenge in the first place.
I really liked what you did with this fic. You covered every aspect and more about the first opening of the Chamber of Secrets, and I honestly felt that nothing was left unexplored (except perhaps the basilisk's PoV. But I'll let you off that one ;) ). I loved how you brought in Dumbledore and Dippet's relationship into the narrative. I could see how Deathly Hallows had influenced your writing and characterisation of Dumbledore. That was really effective.
An interesting and descriptive piece :) thank you for asking me to review!
- MarinaAuthor's Response: Thank you!
Characterisation is always a big hill for me to get over. Especially when it comes to writing canon, I don't want them delving into OOCness.
Well, I doubt the Basilisk would have had much to say to be perfectly honest with you. Probably just him/her doing a lot of hissing and everyone else doing alot of dying ^_^
And what we find out about Dumbledore and his family life in Deathly Hallows has definitely made me make his character a little more forceful when refusing power.
Thank you so much for the fast review, it means alot to me (:
Hello! This is Indigo from the forums, here (finally) with the review you requested. I apologize for the delay. :)
This was a wonderful story. The flow was perfect as well as your characterization. Everything was great. Well done!
I loved your dialogue here. The words bounce off each other and flow very nicely, and the sentences seem to melt into each other. This one-shot was full of dialogue, so you have to be good at writing it to make it a well-rounded story, and you pulled that off well. :)
The details, details, details, were fantastic. The pacing of the office, when Tom was running down the corridor. Really, the scene you illustrate for the reader is great.
AND you got the characterization of Dumbledore (sp?) down to the very last detail. The way he talked, thought, and moved was all perfect (at least in my mind).
I don't have anything to complain about. It was a great story, and you should be proud of your writing here. Fantastic, fantastic job!
10/10Author's Response: Wow, very high praises.
Thank you, this review has really made my day ^_^
I can't stop grinning now ;D
My characterisation of Dumbledore was one of my biggest concerns, so I'm glad you think I did him well.
Thank you for this, I'm glad you liked it so much (: Report Review
Well, here is my first offered review.
I think it takes a lot of maturity to write about Dumbledore and Dipet, both important personalities in HP's world, and you got their characters down pretty good, although I would have liked to read more details.
That it's the only criticism that I have to give to your story: for the amount of action in it I would have liked to see a more-detailed plot.
It was very Dumbledore-like to refuse the position Armando offered to him out of desperation. You got Albus's character right.
As for Tom Riddle... He reminded me of Draco at first, when he ran down the corridors. Like Draco in his sixth year when he was trying to do what his Lord ordered to him. But in your story he was merciless, and one could feel his thirst for power. I liked the idea of the sacrifice: how he killed Myrtle in order to create the first Horcrux. Really,really enjoyed that part.
I also liked the small description of Hagrid. I always felt sorry for him and to actually see how Riddle managed to put the blame on him and get him expelled...
The end was also pretty good and the idea of the story it was inspired from real life(a plus for that): there are often the cases when criminals posture as heroes.
Great ending also!Author's Response: Wow, thank you for that.
I guess detail could be worked on a little bit.
And as for the criminals and heroes thing, yes, there are lots of cases of that, and that's how Tom Riddle got away with so much when he was younger.
And I'm glad you liked the "sacrifice"
Thank you (: Report Review
Wow, this is amazing!
Superb writing, and the characterisation was great, especially considering you hadn't written Dumbledore before!
Love it :D
xAuthor's Response: Yay, I'm glad you like it!
Thank you for the review (: Report Review
Wow, that was really, really good! The writing was INCREDIBLE, every detail was crystal clear. It was really canon, perfect in fact, and I especially loved how Dumbledore was written. You got his personality down pat! His advice was very Dumbledore-esque.
10/10! The plot was great, you told the story just as JK would've. Great job!
~long_live_luna_bellatrixAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you so much!
You've made my entire week, thank you!
:D Report Review
dis iz rly gud i lyk itAuthor's Response: umm ... thanks? Report Review
oh my god
this is great, you did really well
i love this
xoxoAuthor's Response: Awh thank you!
I'm glad you liked it.
and yeah, merry christmas ^_^
Oh! I didn't know you had a new story up!
So, Liam, I really don't want to sound boring, because I say the same thing about all of your stories, but I really liked it.
I think your first attempt at something canon was well done.
You never cease to catch my interest with your stories, Liam.
xoAuthor's Response: Yay, Candace, HI! ^_^
Ooh, guess what? It's christmas day! So yeah, merry christmas ;D
Thank you for your lovely review, you never fail to put a smile on my face.
Hope you're having a great time,
xox Report Review
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