Love it! This is truly amazing!! Report Review
Hi my dear! Here for review exchange!
I know you were unsure about how much time you would have to review this month, so don't worry if you aren't able to fulfill your side of it. It won't count against you for the next time that you are able to sign up :)
Onto the chapter!
Honestly, the length didn't bother me. Once I'm reading, I'm reading, you know? And we found out a lot of information in this chapter, so it wasn't like you were just going along describing every single feature and that's what was taking so long.
I really like our OC so far. I did feel a little bit overwhelmed by her in this, and I think that maybe cutting back on her own personal information or the things she talks about with harry may have helped that, but it's not a huge deal either, so I wouldn't worry yourself over it.
The line where she tells Draco that he needs to learn to talk about his feelings and the thoughts that followed that, oh gosh. Those were perfect. He'd never been able to share those things. How could he start now? Poor little guy.
I think the memory of Draco and his bear was very,very moving. I almost wonder though if you're planning on showing how Draco did get better, more fatherly, as time went one.. because the man that was so cruel to his son is a big jump from the one who just begged one of his enemies to protect the same son. But of course, in that kind of terrifying situation Lucius may have just realized that Draco is what's important, not his pride. Still, the teddy bear scene was incredibly moving.
Ahhh I can't imagine that it would ahve been a lovely meeting for the trio and Draco. haha. It's hard to tell who I really feel worse for...
this story continues to be a really entertaining read, m'dear!
&heartsl Report Review
Hey there! This is Courtney, here with your requested review:)
I will start by saying I really like the idea of this story. I have read a few other fanfictions from Draco's point of view, but most of them have been unbearably cheesy and completely out of character. Even in this first chapter, I think you have painted a very accurate picture of Draco, and what his life is like, so well done on that!
I think you started this chapter really well, with the whole "All is fair in love and war." It is short, to the point and an intriguing first sentence. It immediately made me wonder what the rest of the chapter was going to be about and what provoked Draco to say...or think it. I also enjoyed the sentence; 'Well I for one would like to meet the moron who came up with that sentence.' It's great because it adds a touch of humour into what I can tell is going to be quite a dark story, and also seems very Draco-ish. In that respect, I think you have portrayed Draco as a very believable character all throughout this first chapter.
I liked everything you mentioned about Draco's father, especially the paragraph that begins with 'But no matter how well I did or how much I tried' because I feel it accurately shows what Draco's feelings towards Lucius might be-and how his relationship with his father has turned him into the person he is today. You actually made me feel a little sorry for Draco, especially in this part: 'Instead, he liked to point out all of my flaws, and tell me where I did wrong. So I never felt good enough for him… never felt loved by him.' The way you worded this was superb-I could definitely tell it was from Draco's point of view!
The paragraph about the concept of love was also very good-and I feel like I'm saying that about every paragraph, but it's true! You have done a very good job with this first chapter. This paragraph, especially the bot about love only existing in fairytales intrigued me, and made me wonder where you are going to take this story next. Will Draco find love? And with whom? The sentence 'It just isn't the Malfoy style' was just perfect. It was so Draco so...right.
Another part I enjoyed (and I'm so sorry if I'm rambling) was the seconf to last paragraph about Harry. I enjoyed this because, again, it added a much needed touch of humour, which I feel fits in well with Draco's character. I've always seen him to be jealous of Harry and this paragraph shows this perfectly, especially the part; 'If you want to read about him then go and find another book. There are plenty out there about him! Potter could open his own personal library if he wanted to, and that’s the problem!' It was a very nice touch.
Overall, there's not much else I can say about this chapter apart from the fact that I really enjoyed it and I can see that it is going to turn into something spectacular. My only nitpicky reminder is that in England it is 'Mum' rather than 'Mom', and 'vacation' is usually 'holiday'. But apart from that this chapter was amazing and absolutely left me wanting more.
Thanks for the read!
Courtney:) Report Review
Oh, I'm so gutted Draco is upset with Roxi. I mean, I can kinda see why but I really can't wait for this to sort it's self out! You're quite mean you know, you get me all excited with Droxi then take it away!
Again, I love the relationship between Saleena and Draco, when he said she was like a sister to him it was just so sweet! I'm glad he's telling her first it seems like the right thing to do.
You've really thought this whole thing out so well and your writing is great! Well done on another great chapter.
Secret Santa x Report Review
NO NO NO NO!!! Please say this isn't happening!! Gah your killing me right now! :( I can't believe she's going to join them! I have fingers, arms, toes and everything crossed that something changes her mind!!
Okay, now I've calmed down slightly I will say that this was again written brilliantly. Voldemort was excellent in this chapter and I liked the bit of background we got into why Roxi likes the dark arts so much. I just hope she doesn't go for it!!
Secret Santa x Report Review
After reading your warning at the start I was really scared to read this chapter! However I have braved it and OMG, I am tearing up.
This was so heartbreaking! God the pain Lucius felt. I love how you always remind us of just how far he has fell from what he once was. What he say's is right though, no parent should ever have to bury their child. I just hope that he learns the truth before his time is up...
Poor Roxi! Now she thinks this is all her fault because of Percy!! Gahh just when i thought I hated him you go and do this and I find i can actually hate him more. His plan has worked far to perfectly so far I just hope they figure all this out soon!!
Again I love the Snape/Lucius friendship in this. I love that Draco is Snapes godson and that Draco means a lot to him too. It's so refreshing to see Snape in a good light - so well done on that!
God - Voldemort! Again, just when you think he won't surprise you. Making Lucius bury Draco is just cruel, you really have a knack for writing all this evil!
Gah this is such an amazing story! I'm praying that everything turns out okay in the end. I'm hoping that Kireonna has been paying attention and knows something or that the memory spell hasn't worked (Crazy I know but I just want this to work out so badly). I'm also VERY concerned about what voldmort wants with Roxi - i really hope it isn't death-eatership again :(
Secret Santa x Report Review
YAY, Draco has escaped *dances* but you left Roxi!! I can't deny I was a little bit gutted about that! I was also kind of glad I was right about Lucas! I love how things you bring into chapters always have a bigger purpose later on. the whole story you have written is so well thought out!!
Oh poor Lucas! i was so gutted, although I knew the whole plan couldn't have gone worked without some hitch. I was praying he would change his mind and just live happily ever after with the Weasleys but no such luck :(.
Percy. Again. Seriously, please let something happen to him now! He is seriously winding me up! Gah, I have to give it to you though, the Polyjuice idea is AMAZING and I certainly didn't see it coming!! but if Roxi and Lucius think Draco is dead this is not going to end well :(.
Hmm so Draco back with the Weasleys and so is Harry, I like how you have parts of Harry's mission fitting nicely into this. It's just nice to see as this obviously isn't a Harry fic but you haven't just completely forgotton about him. the whole Nagini part was great! What is harry and ron's deal though? They're fighting an awful lot... Should I be worried?
Okay, onto more reading. Fabulous chapter once again!!
Secret Santa x Report Review
I am so furious at Percy right now!! I can't believe this is happening! I was practically screaming at the screen for Roxi to see right threw him and I practically threw up when she kissed him!! Gah please end this, it's hurting my eyes :( Please? and if you could also do something horribly mean to Percy that would be great too... just saying :)
All personal feelings for Percy aside, you are writing the whole thing beautifully. Percy's devious scheme and the reactions of Draco and Roxi are perfect. I'm just too emotionally attached to Droxi and want to read some more!!
YES!! A plan! This plan just has to work! I want Draco to be free and be happy again! I don't like him being so sad. This mysterious person has to be Lucas right? Lucas is with greyback not voldemort so he's the only person I can think of! I'm just excited and need to read more!
Another amazing chapter... I LOVE this story right now and you are awesome :D!
Secret Santa x Report Review
OMGOMGOMG! Another unbelieveably great chapter! Gosh there is just so much to comment on so I'd better start at the beginning...
OK, this new stanger and Lucas. I had absolutely no clue who this guy was, and when I found out I was really kicking myself! I thought this was an amazing twist! Greyback against Voldemort, oohh I'm looking forward to the prgressin of this, and if he's sending Lucas into the Riddle house there can only be exciting things to come!! I'm excited! I am also worried for Roxi's saftey, if greyback has an interest in her, ew. that can't end well!
Oh gosh, you really keep putting poor Lucius through so much! I would be terrified if that had happened to me! Lucius and Draco are a right pair between then now aren't they?
I've just seen your response's to some of my reviews and I'm so glad you're happy I'm your santa as I've enjoyed it so much! Haha, not long 'til all will be revealed =D, I look forward to chatting to you about this story so much!! I'm sure when SS is over I will still be reading and reviewing your stories...
Secret Santa Report Review
Another fabulous chapter my dear! After all the Percy-meddling in the last chapter you made a fantastic job of displaying the repercussions in this one!
Have I mentioned I hate Percy? I love to hate him but hate none the less, I look forward to reading him get his comeuppance for all the crap he's currently giving out!! You write it fantastically though!
I both loved and hated the conversation between Draco and Roxi. I loved it becuse I thought you wrote it perfectly and everything they said was just great. My favourite bit was when he told her she couldn't take him back t me meet her father and the only thing she picked up on was that he'd thought about meeting her father. that was such a girl-in-love thing and made me smile so much!! On the other hand it did make me grumpy as, as I have previously said, you have made me such a HUGE fan of this ship that I just want them to be together and be happy and not in Voldemorts dungeon and for Draco to be able to walk (seriously I couldn't believe it when I read that bit) and gah just everything.You're really killing me that they haven't had their chance yet. I will try and wait patiently though to enjoy droxi goodness!
I was so happy Lucius tried to help Draco/Roxi instead of it being Percy! I thought he was really sweet been as it's pretty much his fault Draco is having such a hard time dealing with his relationship. I really did love this bit!
Gah - Voldemort. I thought you made an excellent job of him in this chapter. It was really freaky when he asked her to join the death eaters and she didn't out right say no this chapter - I was seriously worried for a minute there. I REALLY hope she doesn't go that way and her and Draco can make it up before it comes to that. Again - have I mentioned I hate Percy been as this is all his fault.
Sorry to point this out again but this chapter has a few spelling mistakes and the like again, I know you said this chapter hadn't been beta-d yet though. There was a whole section though where I think you haven't added Dracos lines in and I was seriously gutted - it was a key and really interesting part t the conversation -
'You are unbelievable, you know that,' she shrieked. 'I mean, do you really not love me?'
Roxi cut him off. 'Then say it!'
'If you really love me, then say it,' she demanded of him.
Anyway, hopefully speaking with your beta should sort those little niggles out.
Well done on another cracking chapter though - I'm seriously hooked on this story - I'm so glad I'm your secret santa!!
Secret Santa xAuthor's Response: OMGosh, now I really can't wait to find out who this is cuz you are officially my new best friend, lol!! SOO happy that I have converted you to the Droxi ship!! Honestly, I feel like this could be the start to a new and beautiful friendship, haha!! ;)
No need to be sorry hun, it's fine to point things like that out. I will definitely look into that one asap tho because sometimes the HPFF story editor thingamajig cuts lines out like that. I don't know why it does that, but I do know that this isn't the first time it's happened. I usually catch it before now, so I can't believe that this one got missed... Yeah, I am looking over it right now and you're right; there is a HUGE chunk of that conversation missing!! I wonder why it only cut out Draco's lines like that?? That is so weird, I will be looking into that as soon as possible now, and I can even PM you the full conversation once identities are revealed if you'd like... Sorry about that! 0_o'
All the confusion aside tho, I couldn't help but to Lol at this review when I read it this morning. I really love your reactions to Percy especially. People really do hate him, and I think it's great, lol!! What a way to start out the 2013 year, this has seriously just made my day! Thank you so, SO MUCH my dear!! I can't wait to add you as a friend, it I don't know you already. I'm so glad that you were my Santa too, haha!! You are seriously, like, THE BEST Secret Santa ever, haha!! Happy New Years hun!! =D Report Review
Your so mean leaving it on such a cliff hanger! I'm so glad I have the next chapter waiting for me so I don't have to wait!!
You do need to be a bit more careful, in some places you miss words out and stuff like that. It doesn't detract from your story as such but you've written such a great story that it would make it even better!!
I thought you did an amazing job of describing the potions effects! Poor Lucius! He's gone through so much! I love the friendship you have created between Lucius and Severus, even though Voldmort had forbidden it (I thought was a great idea by the way) they obviously will do anything for each other and is really nice to see through all the darkness you have created!
Oh Percy! I really can't stand him in this! I love characters you can hate and you really have built his character up well! You have kept his canon pompous nature but have turned it so much darker and I love it! Big well done to you on that!!
I really need to move on though as the suspense is killing me! I really hope you let Draco let his guard down soon! I want some Droxi goodness :D
Secret Santa xAuthor's Response: Hey now, I love my cliffhangers, so you should probly expect more to come, lol! XD
I know I seriously need to go back thru and do a serious clean-out, it's just SOO time consuming tho, you know? I've always said that of I ever get TA status on here that that'll be the 2st thing I do tho... Wishful thinking, I know, but a girl can dream. *sigh* =/
I like that you can appreciate Snape and Lucius' relationship tho. Not too many people comment on that, so I never really know how it is being intercepted. I know there's a bit of an age difference between the two of them, but I still feel like that would bond over their common hatred of Voldemort, you know? You seem to think outside the box and are very good at guessing things tho... I like that about you, lol!! :)
Hahaha, if you hate Percy now, just wait until later! It's good to know that you "love to hate" him, cuz I absolutely love reading people's reactions to him, lol! Every story needs a good Villain, and Percy is definitely mine. I am quite proud of the way his character develops... you'll see. ;)
Again, I cannot tell you how pleased I am to see that you are enjoying this so much!! You are honestly the Best SS that I have ever had!! Happy New Years hun, and thanks so much for all you have done for me!! =D
Oh gosh! You had so much running through this chapter! I loved the beginning, your building up Roxi and Dracos relationship up so well! I can't wait to see how this progresses! I really love this ship!
Lucius! I couldn't believe what I was reading! To purposefully put himself through that after he'd already suffered frm voldemort... Gosh. You didn't hold anything back and I thought you wrote the whole thing so well. When he broke his arm! It actually made me feel a little bit sick! I couldn't believe they were doing what they were! I'm so happy Draco stood up for his father though! What he said, calling them death-eaters was spot on. You write the speeches so well!
I was actually crying a little bit inside when Draco got stabbed! I was worried for him but I had my fingers crossed he would live being as I wasn't at the end of the story yet and I was so so happy I was proved right *sigh*! I'm glad Saleena returned too! I love hers and Dracos relationship, its so cute to see how fond she is of him! Another amazing OC you have created there!
This was another amazing chapter! You really have thought the whle story through so well - I'm loving it right now!!
Secret Santa xAuthor's Response: Haha, I was gonna respond in your review to chapter 6 that that one and chapter 11 are two of my favs, but it looks like you beat me to it, lol! So, of all the chapters you could have picked out, I am REALLY glad that you at least chose those 2, thank you so much!! ;)
I am so glad you are enjoying this so much!! Let's just say that, for the past 2 years, my secret santa's haven't exactly been all too enthused about reading/reviewing this, so it was really nice to be paired with someone who actually LIKES the story this time around, lol! I cannot tell you how much I truly do appreciate you taking the time out of your bust Holidays to do all of this for me... Thank you SO much Santa!!! =) Report Review
This chapter was so good! It's really moved the plot on and has got me really excited to see where you are going to take the story next!
Oh Percy! I've never been a real fan of his but I'm so disappointed in him in this chapter. i guessed where you were taking it part way through and was so gutted when I was proved right! The poor Weasleys :(. I thought you played out the whole thing really well, from Malfoys reluctance to hurt them to Mrs Weasleys near break down! You did such a good job, well done! I also loved how you hinted about this when Draco first came to the Weasleys... Nicely done!
I am also really intrigued by your OC. I thought you have built her up well in the previous chapters and she didn't disappoint in this chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how her and Draco go from here!
The only two bits of CC I would give is to firstly be careful with some of the dialogue. Most of the time it is great but occasionally some of the adult characters (McGonagall for example) sound more teenager. You also have a few spelling mistakes (coarse instead of course for example) that you need to watch out for.
Altogether though, this is such a good chapter in your great story! Well done!
Secret Santa xAuthor's Response: Yay, you reviewed one of my favorite chapters!! This one and ch.11 were 2 of the most challenging to write for me. I can't believe you actually guessed it was Percy beforehand tho, lol. Not to many people have ever done that, so congrats!
Since you are at this point in the story, if it interest you, then I would like to point out that I have a one-shot that follows right after the next chapter here... It the 4th story on my author page, and it's called: "Born A Leader." It's a missing-moment of sorts about Saleena and the Gypsied. So feel free to check that out as well whenever you get the chance. I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it!!;)
I am so happy you are like this so well, it really makes my day!! I can't wait to see what you think of the rest!! Hope you had a good Christmas Santa!! =)
First of all I'm just going to say that I hardly ever
leave reviews except on the last written chapter
because I don't know how they get to you and if
you read the ones on old chapters.
#1 - I really like this story. I haven't read many
Draco stories and this really explores him even i isn't
#2 - I think most of the characters are good, the
only one with major flaws I think is Voldemort. Your
Voldemort is too forgiving, he bothers too much with
the Death Eaters. Rowling's Voldemort would never
have used Roxi's first name or joke with her in any
#3 - Spelling. You seem to have a few words that
you always misspell. You write "weather" instead of
"whether", "loose" or "looser" instead of "lose" and
"loser" which is really irritating. Just try to work on
that. The other word that annoys me is "anyways".
You constantly write "anyways" instead of
"anyway". Please stop that :)
Other than that I think this is a really great story
and I hope you do manage to update regularly in
2013. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Report Review
I really loved this chapter! I was drawn in from the very beginning, nd really enjoy the way you write Draco! This story has a nice pace to it, and the background we get is really nice and rich, instead of being dry like it can get sometimes. I also love that Draco wants his own story told, but doesn't seem to be jealous of Harry for getting so much attention. I really love how you've started this story and can't wait to read more! 10/10
Cassie :) Report Review
Another really great chapter to your story. I really can't wait to see how this is going to play out. Draco with the Weasleys. This is definitely going to be interesting!
One point I would like to make is that the letter Lucius wrote was a bit long winded to say he was pushed for time. I don't think it would have quite been Lucius' style either. Just be careful not to get to exclaimation mark happy too!
I thought you dealt with process it took for Arthur and Molly to accept Draco very well! Their agonising over the final decision was really well written so well done you! I thought you got their characters really well. I also liked that you brought in the money issue... of course it wasn't just about the money but when your the Weasleys bless them it had to be a bit about the money. I really loved it!
Well done on another amazing chapter!
Secret Santa x Report Review
Wow, another amazing and quite frankly horribly chilling chapter! Voldmort is just pure evil. Branding Draco as a baby? I thought that was a really nice touch on your part. The whole chapter just made me keep gasping as you took Voldemort to new levels of low! Poor Narcissa and Lucius! That was such a hard decision on Luicus in particular and I loved how you really put an emphasis on what was the better way... Death or no choice.
I thought you did a great job of bringing the theme of love/hate into this chapter. It's very JK of you! Obviously Voldemort thinks he's got a new follower incapable of love now but hopefully his plan will be scuppered once again with his lack of understanding! I really hope so anyway!
One but of CC I would give is to be careful with Narcissa's dialogue. Most of the time I thought what you wrote was good but there was couple of parts I didn't think sounded quite right. Using 'yeah' for example for me just didn't quite give the right feeling for her.
Another amazing chapter though! I really can't wait to see where you're going to take it next!
Secret Santa x Report Review
I thought this was a really great start to your story! Your characterisation of Draco was excellent - it really gives you a good insight to him. The paragraph about Harry really made me smile, Draco's anger and jealousy show through well.
Hmm, you have really built things up around Lucius. It feels like you have more to tell there. I can't imagine what growing up like that must have been like for Draco though. He clearly is just a product of his parents!
Great job and I look forward to reading more!
Secret Santa x Report Review
I like the story its amazing but you missed a lot of words and I think you need to revise and edit it a bit more carefully. Report Review
Hi love! I don't know if I can get through all of this, but you're welcome to go and dance around any of my stories with the warning that I probably won't update any of my non-one-shots until the summer? But I will try to read as much as possible since I really like getting to stay with stories! :)
So, I'm hooked! I liked the part about his father - it made me really want to know how that tangles into his story. It also got me thinking about how much his father's influences have shaped him - good characterization is good. :)
The repetition of the quote was also a really cool device. I've heard it before, but I hadn't given it much thought until now. I do love a good bit of unfairness; makes the characters come out of their shells and do interesting good writing-ey things. :)
I liked the intro, and other than a mild grammatical slip up here and there, I can't think of anything to give cc about.
Happy Holidays, and I look forward to seeing what happens next - I'll definitely be coming back! :)
Annie Report Review
Hey Deana!! So good to see you again and I'm back- *pauses*
One moment..."Stomps into chapter, takes off shoe and smacks Percy with it. puts shoe back on, climbs out of the story and returns to the review box* :p
Like I said I'm back and I'm working on catching up on writing and reviewing along with doing this fun little Holiday review swap!!
Now onto my actual review...You were right, you said I'd despise Percy even more and I do blahhh. But it was funny to see that even though he is in control right now, I got a feeling it won't be forever! Not with the way you write and just that feeling...we will see if I am right later hehe.
I love this story to pieces *hugs it*
I remember when I first started it I couldn't stop. I had to pry myself away. It's got all the perfect elements that I crave and adore and love and everything!
Omg where are they taking her? (Don't tell me) And what's happening ? I wonder if they will find out what she is *grins*
I look forward to reading more of this story later :D
I'm so glad to be back reading, writing and reviewing!!
(((HUGS) Report Review
Phew, finally here again! RL has been a brat lately.
I LOVE that you had the differences in Molly's and Arthur's parts in this. I think it would make absolute sense for Molly to be extremely reluctant to let Draco live in her home. She's such a protective mother, and knowing the things he's done to her family, that his family has done to hers, is a lot to be okay with. And then the money. No, Arthur isn't let Lucius buy him off, but he's also not making it easy to refuse. I mean, when you're really hurt for money, it talks more than if you had plenty.
The way that it comes down to the fact that if this was one of their children, they would need someone too, is awesome. And when Molly thinks about how young Draco really is.. how *he* hasn't actually done most of the things, but it's been his family that's done them *to him*... that was a really great turning point for Molly's decision.
The idea of what happened to Draco and Narcissa is terrible and so sad :(. But I still love how original this is all starting out, that you're really finding a solid point to start building a Draco/OC on.
I do have one bit of CC in this chapter, I don't think you need as much explaining in Lucius's letter. I mean, have all of the reasons and what's happened in there, but just in a shorter version. Only because that would really give us the feeling of intensity. But the letter didn't detract and take away from my desire to continues, so it isn't a big deal at all if you decide against editing it :).
Awesome chapter, m'dear!Author's Response: It's no problem hun, RL has really been getting to me lately too. But then again, who ISN'T busy this time of year? With the holidays, and shopping, and working all this overtime; it's been hard keeping up on much here lately, lol. I will leave you some more reviews as soon as I can tho, I promise... Maybe you and I could just be paired together again this month, you think? Cuz I would really like to participate in the Review Exchange again, but I just don't think I would have enough time to read/review your story, plus take on somebody else's and then do SS on top of that! That's just a bit much, if you know what I mean... Is there any rule that says we can't be partners again for this month tho? ^_^'
I'm glad you liked my take on Molly's side of things tho. Some have said that it was OOC for her, but I didn't think so either. The money was definitely a contributing factor, no matter what Arthur said, lol. I think in any situation; especially one like theirs, it would be a hard offer to say no to. & I'm glad you picked up on the "what if this was our son" bit, cuz not too many people have really commented on that before. You really seem to be very in-tune with what's going on here, (if that even makes sense) and I like that about your reviews, lol! :)
Lucius' letter... Yeah, it's bad, I know! I get that from people a LOT actually, and reading back over it last night it did seem rather long and unrealistic in some parts, given that it's coming from Lucius. But I couldn't pick & choose what to keep and what to get rid of. Everything in the letter is essential in order to explain what happened prior to Draco being drooped off at The Burrow... Initially, I HAD a chapter before this one that detailed Draco's experiences prior to this moment, But it kept getting rejected for validation so I ended up just scrapping it and starting the story from here. Lucius' letter was how I then chose to let the readers know what had happened without really writing the scene out in full detail...
I don't know tho; that WAS a long time ago, back when I was a new member and was unsure of all the rules and how best to follow the ToS here. I probably could go back and redo that initial 1st chapter and make it so that it complied with the validation standards. But then I'd have to go thru and renumber ALL the chapter from here on out, and it would probably just end up confusing people, you know? I'll probly end up just getting with my Beta one day when we both have off and brainstorming some ideas on how we can improve the letter tho, cuz that would be the simpler thing to do. I appreciate your CC comments on that tho. I DO plan to eventually edit it, I just don't really know when, lol! =/
I felt bad, killing Narcissa off in the 1st chapter with no further expiation as to why or how she died. But her death is sort of essential to all of the changes that Lucius and Draco go thru in this, and you will find out more detail on her as the story goes on, I promise. I am glad you like the plot tho, and saying that you think my idea behind it is so Original is probably the best compliment I could ever receive, haha!! I take making this story as original as possible very seriously, and I have worked hard over the past few years to write something new, something that hasn't been done on here before. So it really meant a lot to me to hear you say that. Thank you so much hun!! =D
~Deana~ Report Review
This is all so well written. I am very inspired by your work... Thanks!Author's Response: Thank you so much hun. I worked really hard to get this prologue just right, so I am very glad that you liked it! Thanks for the review, I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the rest of the story as well. :) Report Review
Yes! Bombs really started to fall in this chapter and I loved it. I have to say that your writing was a whole lot better in this one, too. This may sound silly, but your writing felt like you were a lot more comfortable when you wrote this chapter. I think you found a really good zone and once you were in it, things just clicked for you. I'm not sure how to explain it beyond that.
So one thing I wanted to say right off the bat is that I kind of regret the fact that you only explain the aftermath of Draco's "trial" with Scrimgeour. I know this chapter was already really long, but even if you had to pull that out into its own chapter, I think it would have been well worth it. With Draco sequestered away inside the Burrow, we have only gotten an indirect idea of what's going on in the outside world and how people have reacted to the idea of Lucius Malfoy's son taking up with the Weasleys. Scrimgeour's questioning would have been very interesting, along with the information that Draco would have revealed.
That said, I'm really worried for the Weasleys now. Given his sources inside the Ministry, it shouldn't take very long at all for Voldemort to learn that Draco not only survived, but where he's hiding. I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm scared for Snape and Lucius, but this information will clearly put them in a very bad spot, as well, since they were tasked with "disposing" of Draco following his supposed death. I hope you give this state of affairs its due, because it can't help but be interesting.
The conversation between McGonagall and Draco seemed about right to me. Maybe I would have liked Draco to be just a hair more confrontational, but I guess the poor guy is pretty beaten down by this point. From her side, I think Minerva manages the exchange just about right. Draco plainly has information that the Order desperately needs. At the same time, she knows that she can't push him too hard or he's likely to recoil. Letting him see the workings of the Order first-hand is something of a gamble, but a wholly reasonable one I'd guess.
OK, I'm about to tell you something that you're probably not going to like, but it was my honest reaction and I wouldn't give you anything less. Something about having a character with the same name as your forums username, and having that character be Draco's love interest, besides, was just really weird for me. Now that I think of it, you might have picked that username well after the story was underway, which makes it less weird. But since I knew you from the forums before I got to this point in the story, I'm getting strange vibes on it. I guess it doesn't really matter since there's really no way you could go back and change it now without confusing the daylights out of your long-time readers, but overall I found it kind of freaky.
The other thing that jumped out at me was Fleur's reaction, specifically "She iz not even from here. She iz not one of us!" That just sounded really out of place coming from her, since she is something of an outsider in the Weasley family, herself. She also comes from another country and she had a lot of difficulty being accepted by the rest of Bill's family in the beginning. To me, that would have made her more sympathetic to a newcomer. Just a differing perspective, I guess.
The other reactions seemed fairly sensible to me. Having not one but two metamorphamagi in the Order seems like an extraordinary stroke of good fortune, one that people who are used to finding that Voldemort is one step ahead of them might find very suspect. It gave Draco a good chance to step out of the shadows and make his presence felt. His speech about suspecting the innocent was maybe a bit high-minded for his character, but he had a good point. And I really liked the way that Fred and George don't miss the opportunity to call him out on the meaningful stare he was exchanging with her. Nothing gets by those two...
The entire scene in Molly and Arthur's bedroom was heart-breaking. I loved the way you set the stage by describing the shabbiness of the room. That seems so like the two of them, always putting everyone else first. Draco's speech before he drops the bomb on them actually came across as really heart-felt, which surprised me once I went back and thought about it. If you'd told me a few chapters back that Draco would be saying things like that and sound really sincere, I probably wouldn't have believed you. It kind of indicates how far you've brought the character.
Each of the Weasleys had a very believable reaction to the revelation about Percy. Fred and George were angry. Bill was disappointed and sad. Charlie was shocked. Molly was devastated. Arthur was the most interesting one and probably the best from the standpoint of how you wrote him. So much guilt mixed into the sadness, and all completely understandable. This is his son, after all. When you have a son -- weird, I actually know this now -- you feel a great deal of personal responsibility for how their sense of right and wrong turns out. Overall, you did a fantastic job with this section.
I liked the crisis of confidence that Minerva handles very well at the end of the chapter. I think after all of the difficulties the Order has suffered, compounded by the truth about Percy, people were likely to be reeling and questioning everything. Minerva's genuine offer to step aside probably went a long way toward getting everyone's head back together.
Like I said at the outset, this chapter was really well done. Your writing was really good and I felt like you were really in your element with this one. It was probably the best chapter so far. I really hope they continue to improve like this. The story will be a joy to read!Author's Response: Oh Dan. Can I just start by saying I love you? Now, you know, I usually like to do thing in order, but this review is just too awesome to leave sit here for any longer, lol! =P
Yes, Ch.6 is definitely where it starts to pick up, as you have already noticed. The writing really does get better from here, or I think so anyways. There's only so much "introduction" a person can take, lol. Now, finally, some action! I do get what you're saying about Draco's trail tho, and I wanted to show that more, I really did. But I am no good with politics and the like, so it really would have been a horrible chapter that probly would have made no sense at all... I know that's a cop-out, but there you go, lol! XD
It's funny you should mention Voldemort and being worried for The Weasleys tho. Keep that in mind for when you get to the next chapter, lol... I'm glad you liked Draco & Minerva's conversation tho. She's a hard character to write, but I try to do her justice every time she comes in. And what you said about Fleur actually makes sense. I guess I never really thot about it that way before. Now I am going to have to edit it and make somebody else say that line, lol. I can't believe I never thot of it that way before now! ^_^'
As for the Username thing, I guess I should have warned ya about that before hand, huh? But see, Yoshi_Kitten was what I used to use for EVERYTHING back when I set up this account, and I HATE it now, lol. It makes no sense and it's not even Potter-Related. But it was all I could come up with at the time, and now I can't change it... I joined the forums about a year - year & 1/2 after joining here tho, and Roxi is my pride & joy/ So I renamed myself RoxiMalfoy over there and it has just stuck ever since then. Sorry it freaked you out tho. =/
I love that you commented on Fred & George tho. Their remarks to Draco in this chapter were some of my favorite moments to write. And I like that you picked u on the state of Molly & Arthur's bedroom too. I don't think anyone has ever pointed that out before now, and I actually put a lot of thot into that one too. I even remember drawing a not-so-good picture of how I thot their room would look before I sat down to actually write about it. So thanks for picking up on that man, I appreciate it. :)
OMGosh, I just can't stop smiling right now, you've made me so happy!! I love everything you had to say here about how far I've brot Draco's character, and all of the Weasley's reactions to the news; especially Arthur. I don't have any kids of my own, but I am glad that you were able to relate to this from personal experience so well. I love how much thought you put into everything, and this one brought a few tears of joy to my eyes. Sappy, I know, lol, but it's the truth tho! Thank you SO MUCH Dan, for being so kind and thoughtful! Report Review
Hello, again! Sorry it's been a long time between reviews. Such is life, I suppose.
Given the mildly AU nature of the story, I liked the idea of Harry, Ron and Hermione periodically getting together with McGonagall to compare notes and strategize. The hunt for the horcruxes is definitely a longer-term project in your version of events and the Ministry never completely fell, so remaining completely shut off from the rest of the Order would be neither necessary nor beneficial for the trio.
You did a pretty good job of building up your mythos around the Gypsies in this chapter. The idea of them being exceptionally powerful and too proud to willingly accept the Statute of Secrecy makes sense. This section definitely filled in bits and pieces of Saleena's back story without having to deliver it all through her own thoughts or dialog, which was a nice plus. Two things struck me as either omissions or something that could have benefited from a bit more elaboration. First, if the gypsies are as powerful as they're described to be, how did the Ministry win the war against them? Was it sheer weight of numbers? Some spell that the Gypsies were particularly vulnerable to? It just seemed strange that the Ministry would be able to force a solution onto them. Second, Hermione makes no mention of the fact that the Gypsies are a strictly matriarchal society. Perhaps Ron simply knows that already, but if Harry didn't know about the wars, he probably wouldn't know about their social structure, either.
I love the little bit of adoration and affection for Hermione that you slip into Ron's character here. It was a nice little touch.
McGonagall's questioning of Saleena seemed to cover the basics, but it felt a bit short to me. I know you probably didn't want to make that section drag on for too long, but I still through that McGonagall would have been a lot more thorough. For instance, she asks about Voldemort and Malfoy, but not about whether Saleena had connections to any other Death Eaters. Maybe I'm just over-thinking things, but that was my reaction.
Moving along, it also seemed odd that McGonagall would start out right away briefing Saleena on brand new intelligence that she'd just gathered from the trio. I think you needed more of a transition there, whether it was in the form of bringing the trio back into the conversation or perhaps Molly and Arthur. I realize that having Saleena still be affected by Veritaserum was essential to her giving away far more than she meant to, but things just happened far too quickly.
Ooh! So Saleena's secret is out. At least to McGonagall. I was of two minds on the way that Minerva reacts. Part of me felt like Minerva wouldn't have been quite so quick to want to turn her into a spy. After all, she just joined the Order and Minerva has no way of knowing how she would perform undercover. Does she have the requisite skills to not be found out? Is it too big of a risk to take with her since the main reason that they wanted to recruit her into the Order was so she could act as a Healer? On the flip side, everyone in the Order has to sing for their supper. Dumbledore put Remus in enormous danger by sending him to infiltrate Greyback's pack, to say nothing of Snape's role as a double agent. So it's definitely not unprecedented. Again, I think one of your bigger challenges in this story is pacing. So far, everything has happened so quickly. If you were to slow the narrative down just a bit and give the characters some more time to gradually assume their roles, it might all feel more natural.
I am really interested to see what sorts of things Saleena learns from her family. Her special abilities will definitely change the course of the story, whatever they might happen to be.
So I noted some typos and other spelling and grammar issues as I was reading:
-- "It is said that their leaders often poses extraordinarily supernatural talents and abilities." - possess
-- Right you are, as always, Miss. Granger," - needs opening quote mark
-- ... they’re all prejudice cowards who put restrictions on anyone who may have the power to overrule them." - prejudiced
-- "The three of the were just leaving." - three of them
-- "It tingled he tongue as she swallowed it." - her tongue
-- I only have a few questions for you,” McGonagall began. - missing opening quote mark
-- "Lucius and I’s relationship" - I don't think "I's" is proper English except for a house elf. ;) How about "My relationship with Lucius"?
-- ... you won’t go back and tell Lucius anything tat we discuss?" - that
-- "There are several Do you happen to know anything about Gypsies?" - I think the first three words don't belong here.
-- “Every single member of this Order have all had to make sacrifices and your no different." - you're
-- "Loose my job and become an outcast in society?" - Lose
-- "Even of only one of them listens to you, it will still be better than none, and that’ll be one less that Voldemort will hive on his side." - "if only" and "will have"
You continue to move the plot in an interesting direction. The players are beginning to line up in their roles, although we haven't seen anything from the other side in a while. I hope you're planning to show us at some point what Voldemort, Bella and the rest of the crazies are up to. Until next time! Report Review
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