Great story.Are you going to continue Report Review
omg that was actually really awesome! But i reckon you should amke it a story and have Draco have his reasons because of the whole Voldemort thing. (go off the ending books and what Draco had to do) XD Report Review
i really like it, but i think there should have been more to it, i feel kinda left hanging..Author's Response: Hello again :D
You mean like a backstory? ._. I wanted to create an effect that this story could go any way, and have alternative possibilities to end it. I'm sorry it ended sort of abruptly, I just thought it was the right moment...
I'm really glad you enjoyed it though! Thanks for the review as well :D! Report Review
I'm not even going to bother to give you pointless suggestions, everything is perfect as it is, and I am very much requesting a full-blown story from this. (If that's not too much, no obligations) :DAuthor's Response: Hi :D. I'm really glad you like the story, but I have no plans currently to write a backstory or to expand it... Although maybe I'll get inspiration in the future. :) Thanks for the review, but I think it'll stay a one-shot for now... sorry! > Report Review
Not bad for a venture into unknown territory. It was a bit short and it seriously lacked dialogue ... but for being a one shot, it was pretty well done. If flowed well and was written with good description, so even with the short length, you still got your point across very well. Keep up the good work :)Author's Response: Hi!
I know... D: I actually was clueless how to develop this, and I've written several drafts prior to this, trying to add on interactions and stuff, because I knew those areas were lacking. I'll try to add some more, and probably make the story longer. :D
Thanks for the review and the feedback! :D Report Review
you were perfect on the descriptivness. i loved it. thanks for taking my challenge. i do have one thing to say though, and that is, the flash backs, well it's nice to do them in italics so the reader knows there flashbacks and not that it's happening. but i really really really really liked it.Author's Response: hiya! xD
oh, yup, I wanted to change the flashbacks, but the queue was already shut-down... I thought edits were okay, but, ah well.
Thanks for your review, and it's been a pleasure taking part in your challenge. xD Report Review
Hi Foxtrott! I decided to pop by and review another one-shot of yours :]
Remember when I told you that you were crazy? Yeah, I stand by what I said. Oh my goodness gracious alive J.K. Rowling! I totally and completely adore this! You've laced it with drugs, I just know it. You know how I know? Because I'm like, addicted. Yep, that's right.
I only have a tiny suggestion. When it's a flashback, you should put it in italics. At first I was like, what the crap and then I totally understood. I think it would rock if you put the flashbacks in italics :]
I have decided to dub you "The Crazy Writer Lady." Yep, yep. This was DELICIOUS.
ShelbyAuthor's Response: Hiya Shelby! :D Yay, thanks!
Nah, I haven't laced it with drugs... maybe sugar. xD. Eeep, I'm so glad you liked it! :D:D:D:D:D:D
Oops, okay, I guess the transition was sort of confusing and all. >< Aheheheh, thanks for pointing that out!
"The Crazy Writer Lady"... I guess I could live with that. ;D
Thanks a lot for your review! Report Review
Wow, I really liked this. The flow of it wasn't the greatest, but I felt that the story you presented wasn't supposed to flow like liquid. I like the choppy feeling of it, the short sentences, the quick breaks. Really a good technique for the situation you wrote about.
I like that you associated green with Draco Malfoy because even though it's an HP stereotype (almost a cliche I suppose) people really do that. Some would say that the idea is cliche but I like that you chose to do it because it's easy to relate to, and as I said, everyone does. I also like the repetition of the idea that his eyes are green but his heart is black. That was very effective.
The one thing I hate more than anything else in the world is when an author asks me to review something and starts with "Well it's really bad so..." If you're going to tell me that, then why am I even bothering to read it? If I read it after you tell me something like that, then I'm going to go hunting for crap that I didn't like. Don't sell yourself short. Have pride in your work. Everything that you do. And even if you know it's not your best work, you don't have to tell anyone. No one will know =P
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
.:.Ilia.:.Author's Response: Hi! :)
First off, I'd like to apologise about the "it's sucky" thing on your thread. D: Sorry, I reread the story before posting that and then found that it wasn't as good as the previous one-shot I wrote... >< Sorry! My examiner told me that I had confidence issues in the stuff I make/write/produce, and I was like, what?! ...at least until today. I get what you mean. :) Thanks! :D
I was afraid it was /too/ choppy... but I'm glad the technique came into use, though. :)
I guess it was cliche, sort of, but I don't know... I just found it easier to work with. Whew, I'm glad you liked it though, I was afraid it would get a bit /too/ cliche. I don't know why I like to work with cliches. ><
Thanks a lot for your review. :) Report Review
I am supposed to be working on this challenge as well but am having some serious writers block, hopefully I will be able to get it out soon. Anyway, I love the ending line it is very powerful (and the beginning line as well I guess). There were a couple of grammatical errors, not many but another read through might help. I would also correct the spacing, I think something is going on with the program because I have been having some problems with the spacing in my stories also.
I think you did a nice job with such a short story, I am wondering about what exactly was in the vile, though I think I have an idea maybe being a little more explicict would help.
It really is good just might need abit more detail :)Author's Response: Oh! What colour did you get?
Eep, I didn't notice any. I'll go check again!
Yup, I've been having problems with the spacing lately... It's annoying.
'Kay, I'll lengthen it with more scenes and details over the weekend! Thanks for the review :D Report Review
This was a really orginal story, not cliche at all. It does need work, but it DEFINITELY doesn't suck.
The plot is very cool, and you incorperated the color green every well. Laura's thoughts were really well written.
So, it was great! But you did ask for some comstructive input, and I'll give that too.
First, something fairly easy to fix: the spacing. It's a little distracting how much you have to scroll down to get to the next part.
Second, I think you should give a little more info on the vial. It's obviously important, and used to be a sign of love, but a little more information would be nice. Even just a few hints on what the contents are would be great.
I'd add more of Laura's devotion to Draco to the story; perhaps a scene where she flunks a test because she's staring at him, or follows him all the way to his common room without realizing it.
The last part was a little confusing; how the blood and vial contents didn't mix, proving to Laura that Draco had been playing with her. It sort of says that Draco meant for her to break her hand on the bottle, so that she could see that, which doesn't make a ton of sense. Perhaps you could clear that up a bit.
This has really great potential. Don't give up on it! I really enjoyed reading it!
~long_live_luna_bellatrixAuthor's Response: Hi!!! (I think I got most of the ants off my laptop...)
:D REALLY?!?!??! I thought I wrote her thoughts flipping horridly... Thanks for the encouragement. :P
Ahhh, I don't know why the spacing's like that either... When it was on Word it was fine, but when I pasted it here the whole thing suddenly got so long. Same with a chapter of my other story... I'll fix it!!
Okay, I guess I should've made it clearer. I'll probably add a few more scenes to make the thing longer.
Actually, I meant the symbolism, the accidental discovery that the very thing that represented their 'love' didn't even mix with her blood. I guess I'll clear that up, then!
Thanks for the encouragement and the feedback! I'll work on it over the weekend! XD Report Review
Heyyy Girl heyyy.
So this is your first fiction that isn't Oliver/Oc... I just saw your authors note and read you don't think you did it very well. I am here to hopefully prove you wrong. Because i absolutely loved it. Like I want you to begin to branch out and write more things like this. Because it's amazing. This story was so powerful. So emotional. I absolutely loved it!! :)
So let me start off with your opening paragraph. Love how you got the color green. The color green is such a great color too because it can also stand for envy as well as wealth because i guess it's the color of money and everything.
A couple of things I caught...
I'm not sure if you're from England or anything but i think you spelled emphasized wrong. You spelled it with two s's. I recently learned that they don't really use the z' in england...
The other thing i caught is right after you said Pansy parkinson. You said that "She" meaning laura squeezed the vial. I think you should put Laura's name in there to make it more clearer because for a second i thought that it was Pansy.
I really really liked this. You wrote this beautifully. I liked how you focused on one big paragraph for each part of their relationship. I loved this. I think you should try to branch out more on your work m'dear because you did excellently.
I really liked Laura's characterization and i liked how you ended nearly like you started. It was wonderful how you described Draco's heart as black twice. It really sunk the message in.
I never remember readin about Laura in any of the books. Which book did she appear in?
You did a wonderful job. Don't feel so bad about this because i honestly loved it. I hope you write more stories and begin to branch out where you don't have an Oliver/oc. I loved the descriptions and the bits of dialogue you ussed as well.
You wrote this so delicately. I loved it.
- RachelAuthor's Response: Hi! Finally, the response function works! Phew.
o_O You did?! Ahh, when I was reading it again, I thought it was horrid, but thanks a lot for the encouragement.
Uhm, I'm not from England, but I use British English where I come from, and I'm emphasised is spelt without the 'z' here.
I'm glad you liked Laura! :D Actually, she's an OC I was assigned to for the challenge...
Thanks so much for the review, and the encouragement. :D Report Review
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