I was a little confused about the short interaction between Hannah and Cedric at the beginning. I know she supported him in the tournament, but I didn't expect she and Cedric to be on nickname basis. Trust me, I'm all for fanon and all of that, but I just thought it was a bit strange. And I also think it's strange that Cedric is friends with all of them. It seems a bit too convenient if you ask me. Again, it's good to show personalities through character interaction, but make sure you back everything up with good plot choices.
In general, this chapter is very long. I loved all the detail and I didn't feel like any of it was unimportant, but it was just a lot for me to take at one time. A long chapter is kind of intimidating if you ask me, and you want to make sure that you leave enough mystery with the reader so that they want to read more. Don't give us all the answers in one shot. Keep us guessing!
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
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I really love the opening scene here. The interaction between her and Adrian really showed a lot about who she is as a character. I'm glad Adrian called her a snob; I think she needed to hear it. But I don't think I believed when she claimed she felt bad for what she said. Anyway, the point is that you have made some really well rounded characters already. I feel connections to them as real people.
I don't know how I feel about the reintroduction of the Triwizard tournament/goblet of fire/aging potion deal. It was cute to read in the book but I don't agree with repeating it with different characters. Yes, you took your own spin on it and that showed a lot about the characters, but as far as plot goes, I think something more original was in store. It's good to show your characters' personalities through plot, but you just have to make sure the plot is valid and applies to both the characters and the main goal of the plot.
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
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You introduced a ton of characters all at once, but I didn't mind that much. It was an exciting introduction and I felt like I was plopped in the middle of a scene, which I love. It gives a story much more pizazz right away. I like that you took a little bit of time in the middle there to talk about the girls individually. That helped, but there is no doubt in my mind that I'm going to get them confused in later chapters. We'll see how that goes.
Along with your great multitude of characters, you had a great lot of dialogue here. I love dialogue, but I think you used it a little too much. Although, having a lot of dialogue does wonders for a characterization, but just be careful not to abuse the power. Because of some of the things you had them say to each other, I feel like the plot is going to be flat and unimportant. There's no sense of urgency in this chapter, and it doesn't really make me want to keep reading.
The idea is interesting enough, sure, but I need an extra shove. Don't be afraid to hit your reader between the eyes with something. Take some huge chances. ^_^
Ganbare! Tanoshinde ^_^
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Hello there, my dear!! I'm here with your review as requested!
I'm so very sorry it took me so long to get around to this. I've just beens o very busy. But I'm here now!!
And I really enjoyed this. You have an excellent story coming along. I like how you emphasize "perfect" at the end of the story. It really sets the mood.
Now, you characterize and sent the tone of the story across very well, but I think you could enlighten a little on your descriptions. We don't know much about what your characters look like. Especially Emma. I'm having a very hard time picturing her.
But other than that.
This was wonderful! :D
Now, I would continue on. But I have a huge queue backed up, but I will definitely be back to read the following chapters after I have emptied it out. :)
8/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad that you liked it. I have been planning on going and adding some description in the first chapter. I'll pay some more attention to Emma from now on :)
No rush on getting to the next chapters. Thanks again for reading and I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hi Juliet2, this is your second review.
I noticed before that you were having problems with your tense when you moved from present to past, so I thought I'd pull out an example here at the beginning of this chapter to show you what I mean.
When you're in the past, actions are in past-tense. Even if some one is doing something right now in the scene, its still written in past-tense. See the example below. The corrections are capitalized.
ex)She rolled her eyes, and headed towards the Great Hall. Ken had stayed behind in the room with Emma, who was looking for her favorite headband. A stupid, muggle object, that she wears everyday, apparently was not in the spot that it was in last night. Em had insisted that Kendra went and ate before class starts, and eventually she agreed. That was before she knew that Adrian was going to be her escort. (Incorrect Form).
ex)She rolled her eyes, and headed towards the Great Hall. Ken had stayed behind in the room with Emma, who was looking for her favorite headband. A stupid, Muggle object, that she WORE everyday apparently was not in the spot that it HAD BEEN in last night. Em had insisted that Kendra GO and EAT before class STARTED, and eventually she agreed. That was before she knew that Adrian was going to be her escort. (Correct Form).
I love the time setting for your story, GoF is my favorite book and you're capturing events in a wonderful bright way. I also found the different scenes to be really engaging, especially the bit with the Goblet Of Fire and Dumbledore.
Again, watch out for grammar stuff, a good beta could help you catch some of those smaller mistakes that draw away from the heart of the reading.
7/10 Report Review
Hi Juliet, I'm here to review from the forums.
I know you're considered about making your OC's distinctive people and a great way to do that is with physical descriptions. For example, when Emma shows up, you tell us she's wearing glasses, but that whole section would be an ideal place to insert some serious descriptive work about her face, the color of her eyes and hair, how tall she is and so on.
I have to say that I really enjoy your dialogue. It has an excellent feel to it, bright and friendly and realistic. Dialogue is another place where you can do some characterization.
People talk in different ways, they use distinct slang, modulation and physical gestures when the speak. Capturing what is different and seperate from person to person will not only add depth to your characters, it will also making them more engaging.
I would caution you about little grammatical stuff. There are a few places where you capitalize your dialogue tags (he said/ she said) and you don't need to do that unless you're using a name. For example:
"Lets make a pact," She said. (wrong form)
"Lets make a pact," she said. (correct form).
This chapter also have a lot of good enviromental details that help to make the reading more interesting. You do an excellent job of setting the scene, and honestly your characters aren't a terribly mess, they each seem to hold their own on the page.
7/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I will go back and check the grammatical mistakes at the end of my sentences. I'll edit more descriptions in. Thanks so much for your advice! Report Review
I love the little notes they were passing, it reminded me of middle school and high school, it was quite fun.Author's Response: Haha. The notes were based on some of mine during boring classes. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Whoa, nice document, ahhahaha. Good first chapter, so far. Good description and exposition.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad that you enjoyed it. The document was very fun to write. :) Report Review
I really like this story. Keep up the good work
:)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I will update soon! Report Review
I really like this story, especially because it's based around the Hufflepuffs, who always seem to get left out. Triwizard tournament year is a great year to set this in; there's so much that happens! Between the tournament, the yule ball, and the rise of Voldemort, I'm really looking forward to what happens next. Please update soon.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! The Hufflepuffs get left out too often. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Added to favorites.
How weird is it that I was thinking about the movie now and then when I found this? I'm going to have to watch that later now.
Love it and I can't wait for more! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the add! I'm love that movie, and it was one of my major inspirations for this story. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Oh wow, I really enjoyed reading up till now. These four girls are such good friends and I know what's going to happen to them. It's kinda sad to think about but I'll read the future chapters nonetheless, because this seems like a good plot and you write well. I love your character potrayals and dialogue as well. So good job and update soon :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I agree that it is sad what happened to the girls, but there will be a happy ending, I promise. Thanks again! Report Review
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