Oh, this isn't bad. Though, of course, readers/reviewers always view stories differently than the writer does, I suppose.
Anyway, I liked that you mentioned the Longbottoms at the Potters' funeral - I think it's generally forgotten that they weren't tortured immediately after that Halloween night. The comment about Narcissa and Andromeda - sounds like something they would do at that point.
Snape's thoughts about Lily - though maybe a little soppy - seemed realistic, I think. Especially the fact that he didn't think words could do her justice shows how much he cared for her. Ignoring those words by remembering Lily by himself seems like a logical thing to do.
Again, I don't think this was so horrible at all :) It was a nice read. Report Review
That story was so powerful. I think that Snape would have behaved exactly as you described it. Great job!Author's Response: Thanks. Glad you reckon Snape was true to character. Report Review
Lovely descriptions at the start. You paint a rather grim picture just with the landscaping and that's quite a talent. You've given Snape some strong emotions here and managed to balance them well without making it melodramatic. Even though angry, I like that you make Lily give him one more chance...she attempts to get him on her side even at the end and that's very true to her character. I adore how he blamed James equally for her death. That's a nice touch that I haven't seen done with finesse in fanfic before so kudos to you for that. Nice story, a must for any Snape fan.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, timeturner. I'm glad you think it wasn't melodramatic, because personally I did think it was a tad bit sentimental. Then again, I'm so utterly unemotional that I have a hard time writing emotions and such.
It did seem obvious to me that he'd blame James for her death. I mean, he decidedly hates James, but for James to bequeath the animosity to Harry, and moreover for Snape to be so unrelenting in his hatred, I felt the loathing should be a bit more deep-seated.
Thanks very much for reviewing. Report Review
I am feeling awful about this, because I seem to the only one with critique in my review. But here we go.
I really loved this; I don't read much that FanFiction, because it takes a lot to grip me from the first sentence. Your characterisastion of Severus Snape was very good; very flawed, as it should be. I think he's a hard character to write, sometimes, because he is so bitter and so...he's an inwards character, rather than outwards character (like, say, James Potter or Ron Weasley). You did it well.
I am just sad I couldn't finish it, I couldn't quite get through the flashback to his last day at school. This might be because of personal preference, but although you write beautifully -- some of the best writing I've seen -- I felt like you were trying much too much to make it so. But by doing so, you overcomplicated otherwise wonderful writing. For instance; "aureate glow", "crepuscular sky". It felt like too much; like they had been looked up in the thesaurus, more than anything. It's a personal pet peeve, overflowering, especially since at times when the words do not fit (because thesaurus' don't give exact matches, only similar words that do not always fit into the sentence the same way). That really is my only critique in this; that your writing is beautiful as it is, and there is no need to insert extra words. Not only would some readers not understand, the ones who do will spot when they are used in the wrong way, which is very frustrating to read.
But I am still giving this 9/10, because it is wonderful, it is just that, if the words had been cut out, it would have been much easier to read. I hope you write more Severus/Lily, because I really did enjoy what I read of this.Author's Response: Hey hun,
No, no. Don't feel awful about it. To be honest I'm not very pleased with this either. It was one of my earliest writings, when I hadn't yet developed my voice.
Aureate! Lol, did I really use that word? Evidently I did. The rather bombastic words aren't so much the result of thesaurus-trawling than my own obsession with words a few years ago. When I read all those Victorian novels in my early teenage years, I had a habit of listing all the unknown words and looking them up in a dictionary, and they crop up every now and again in my writing. Though I don't think I've used 'aureate' or 'crepuscular' wrongly. I think aureate is a synonym for golden, and crepuscular for twilight. I'm not sure, though, maybe I'll have to look up the exact meaning in a dictionary.
However, the floweriness notwithstanding, I'm very glad you found this enjoyable in parts. I do like the Severus/Lily ship myself, but it's difficult to dodge the cliches. If I'm going to be writing Snape/Lily again, it'll have to be entirely different from this, and I'm not sure whether that's possible or not, given how little scope the ship offers.
Thanks very much for your critique. It's much appreciated. :)
- Renee Report Review
I believe you have done Severus justice. You've written him flawlessly as I would have seen him standing there the day they buried Lily and James. I love the flashback, it is my favourite part. It was right sad, but not too much that it made me want to stop reading. It was angsty and yet, dark and brooding (much like Snape). You've done a fantastic job at capturing the moment when all is truly lost for the one you've loved. Very well done. I enjoyed it immensely.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. I'm relieved to know that you consider the characterisation of Snape to be 'flawless', because personally I was slightly sceptical as to whether he'd ever get so sentimental.
The flashback... When I wrote it I liked it. I tried writing it as JKR would have. That's the closest I'll ever get to aping JK's style, but Lily is not a character I particularly relate to, and the only way to write her was to emulate JKR's style.
Thanks again for the wonderful review.
- Renee. Report Review
This was brilliant. I was completely wrapped up in Snape's memories and emotions that before I knew it, I was finished reading. This was one of the best Snape fics I've ever read. It was so emotional and sad, but spot-on and perfect all the same. Seriously, this was amazing. Your characterazations were amazing. And the language was utterly beautiful.
10/10-completely. :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I'm very glad you were 'wrapped' in the memories. What's more, I'm glad you didn't find it to be very soppy or sentimenal, because I've always found this fic to be a bit mawkish.
Thanks again for the lovely review. :) Report Review
Gah! This is so sad, I cried! Anyway, this was really great.
LynnAuthor's Response: Aww. I'm quite overwhelmed to know that you were moved. Just never thought I could make people cry, is why.
Thanks for reviewing. I really appreciate it. Report Review
Great job! You did an amazing Snape characterization. Wonderful.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I'm glad to hear that Snape's characterisation was 'amazing.'
Thanks again. :) Report Review
that was incredible!
i loved the last part.
it made me tear up in serveral places.
it was beautiful!!
you did he great justice :)
well done!Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review. I really appreciate it. :)
I'm very glad you enjoyed it, and gladder to hear that it struck a chord with you. Being an utterly unemotional person, I was worrying whether I went overboard with the emotions and mawkishness, but it's reassuring to be told that it was OK.
Thanks again for the lovely review. Report Review
Superb! Simply Superb! I don't know what it was you asked in particular with your review but this was absolutely lovely very gripping. You have the dynamics between Snape and Lily down pat. Snape's voice was spot on. I really highly enjoyed this piece. Even the bit with having Remus linger was quite accurate. I really enjoyed this not only as a fan of the marauders but as a great fan of Lily and Snape as a ship. It was just so accurate and very gripping. I don't know if I can even accurate praise to how well this was written!
Before I find myself rambling more I'll make a quick apology about taking so long to get to this review and state one last time that this was quite a good read. (I also LOVED your extensive use of vocabulary!)Author's Response: Thanks so much for this wonderful review. I'm very glad you enjoyed it. When requested reviews suggest that the story was enjoyable, it's all the more gratifying, because not necessarily do reviewers enjoy the story.
I'm relieved to hear that you thought I didn't miss the mark with Snape's voice, because personally I was a sight unsure as to whether Snape could ever get this sentimental. Then again, I consider myself to be an utterly unemotional person and consequently find literally everything mawkish. Less is more is usually my mantra.
Thanks so much for the review. I'm very sorry it took me so long to get round to responding. Thanks again. :) Report Review
Breathtaking. You made me cry and that had never happened before while reading a fanfiction. I'm without words, really, I can't say anything.
10/10Author's Response: I? Made you cry?
Wow, thanks. Thanks so much. I've never been told that before.
Thanks again. Report Review
I really feel that you captured snape well... his weakness was his desire for power and respect. I thought this was beautifully written. Maybe a few typos that I remember seeing but nothing too major. All in all, brilliant story.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. :) I'm glad to hear that you think I captured Snape well - I've never written the MArauders or Snape before, so I was a bit iffy about the characterisation.
Thanks again. :) Report Review
This was.breathtaking...oh so sad...I really think you DID do Snape justice-you put in so many emotions that he would have felt at the time. Thank you.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you liked the story. :) Report Review
Nicely done! A good characterization of Snape.Author's Response: Thanks. :) Report Review
Such a shrill contrast in the visions of Lily.
Those who knew her speak of her in general terms.
Those who loved her, unconditionally and unreturned, speak of her in memories of her.
I am perfectly sure you've done justice to Severus Snape. In fact - and now I'm talking of canon compliant fics I've read - your picture of him is pretty much close to ideal.
There's some wonderful imagery, some extremely fluid dialogues, some really poetic descriptions. I still maintain my opinion of you as one of the most original and surely one of the most skilled writers on HPFF and I read each and every of your stories with immense pleasure.
And yet again, I was left speechless.
Glad to see that Enticement would be soon updated with a new and hopefully equally wonderful chapter. Can hardly wait to lay my hands on it.
If you have some time, would you mind giving some CC on Seven Deadly Sins? An opinion of such a wonderful writer will most certainly be highly appreciated.
ZoltanAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for such an amazing review, Zoltan, and I'm so sorry I couldn't get round to responding to it before today. I haven't been on top of things lately.
Close to ideal? That's such a huge compliment. Thank you, thank you so much. I've never written the Marauders before - in fact, I don't quite understand their dynamics - but I'm just so glad and relieved to hear that this was done well.
Enticement has been updated now, and I hope you liked it (if you've read it). I'll certainly have a look at your story. You've been so kind to me, it's the least I can do. :)
Renee. Report Review
I love it! The description is excellent, and you wrote Snape really well. I've always been a James/Lily fan, but I could really sympathize with Snape here. His reasons for siding with Voldemort and his feelings for Lily were written wonderfully. And the ending is simply heartbreaking. Great job!Author's Response: Why, thank you. :) I'm glad to hear that you could sympathise with Snape, because that was what I was going for. I've never particularly liked Snape, but I did find his love for Lily very moving.
Thanks again for the lovely review. Report Review
Hello, dear! I'm here with your review!
Wow. This was... So wow.
It was unique and amazing. It was so compelling and I loved every second of it. I really did. You wrote this fantastically and portrayed Lily and Severus awesomely. Normally I can't even stand them in the same room together, but you really made this story cast a new light on them. I loved it. I'm surprised that he would go to their funeral - well I guess not - I guess I'm more surprised in this manner.
This was so sad and moving. The flashback was amazing, and it really fit perfectly. It gave the story that extra little burst of amazingness to send it soaring into perfection.
This was really amazing, and I actually didn't spot any mistakes! YAY! Well done.
This was amazing!
10/10Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. And I'm so sorry I couldn't reply to it earlier. I was so hard-pressed for time with uni-work.
As for why he went to the funeral... I think he would have seen it as the last time when he could be with Lily. Given how much he loved her, I don't think he would have passed up the opportunity to be with her, even if at her funeral.
Wow. It's good to hear that you liked it, despite not being a fan of Snape/Lily. MAybe it's because I didn't romanticise Snape, I guess.
Thanks for reviewing, and I'm so sorry I couldn't respond to it earlier. Thanks again
WD Report Review
I love your start. You've caught my interest before the first sentence ends, in the first six words exactly. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I love it.
You show a perfect side of Lily from him. It's that side we've heard of in the book, but only few of the writers around manage to show too. It's almost like hearing Lupin talk about her all over again, her kindness and her ability to see the good in people.
You've caught Severus so fantastic in this. You're making him sound so right, true to that little we've seen of the soft side of him. And it doesn't seem out of character.
And wow. That flashback between Lily and Severus was written so powerful. It was really great and I loved it. It remains the best part of this story, because not only do you write it till perfection, but you also write it with such fantastic emotions and a perfect portraying of the characters. It was so believeable and great I can't even find words for it.
And the thing with the rain. I love how it seems to follow him. As just before he realises the truth, that she's dead, it starts raining. It's so beautiful and powerful.
You have a very capturing writing, and reading through this, I feel drawn towards it. This was a fantastic story and I'm really impressed. Amazing! Powerful! Just, wow.Author's Response: Once again, I'm so sorry for the very belated response. And thank you for such an amazing review. :)
I love random openings; so much that I go for very random openings for all my stories. There's something really catchy about them, I feel.
Personally, Lily is not one of my favourite characters. Maybe it's because there isn't much of her in canon. But to Snape, Lily is perfect, and I tried to capture her from his POV in this fic. Good to hear it read all right. :)
I'm quite relieved to hear that Snape was in character, because when I was writing this, I felt that maybe he was beginning to sound a bit soppy. But I'm such an unemotional person that I find every little bit of sentimentality soppy. So sometimes I have to force myself to type some things even if I personally feel it's a bit too mawkish, because otherwise my writing comes across as particularly clinical.
I enjoyed writing the flashback. I tried to imagine what JKR would have written it. Everyone says in the reviews that the flashback was the highlight of this fic, and I think I agree with that because that was the closest I'll ever get to writing like JKR.
Thanks for such a wonderful review. Thanks you.
I think you did an outstanding job my friend. A great write. Enjoyed and felt every emotions. It's believable and it's now my idea of the way I want to think about the way Snape reacted. Thank-you for sharing this with us my friend.Author's Response: Why, thank you. I'm glad the emotions were real and that you think Snape would have reacted te way I've imagined it. :)
Thanks again for the lovely review. :) Report Review
Ahh, bless ya hun! I knew you cared about Lily really. :P
Actually, I know how much you hate her but your Snape was brilliant! As always, I luv your writing! :DAuthor's Response: To tell the truth, I don't care much about Snape OR Lily or the Marauders. I know, I know, how can anyone (especially any girl) not like Sirius? :P But I'm weird that way, and yeah... I don't care much for that era.
Personally, when I reread this story, I feel I could've written it differently, less soppily maybe... But I can't be arsed to rewrite it; it's over.
Anyhoo, thanks for the review. I love your writing too. :D Report Review
Just wow xD
this is very well written.
You wanted to know if you had written this story well... and you DID! No question about that.
painfullygoneAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. Glad to know it was written well. :) Report Review
I'm an absolute stickler for good spacing in a story, I find it makes the whole story seem so much more polished and professional. Oh and yeah, your spacing is great! The paragraphs were just long enough to hold my attention without me getting bored. Good job, I've read some stories where the spacing is just terrible and it frankly ruins the flow of the story. So I'm glad you've perfected the layout of this, it makes me smile.
"but it seemed as if Nature too were holding back," I'm not sure if I'm right or not, but I'm pretty sure I am: I don't think nature should be capitalised. I loved your opening paragraph, it was just beautiful. Your use of description was so rich and full, it set the scene beautifully and it just all unreeled to magically in my head. Your descriptions are some of the best I've read and I can tell a lot of thought and energy went into them, they're well thought out and reflect your ability as a writer. You're obviously extremely sophisticated as a writer, this whole story just oozes elegance.
I particularly enjoyed reading the distaste Severus felt for his childhood. For your first Severus fic it was very good, you put across how much he hated his childhood and his father beautifully, ever finer detail was included and I really felt how much he hated every minute of it. Including that really helped characterise Snape, really highlighted how he became to be the bitter, cold man he is today. And you highlighted that perfectly!
As I read further into the story, my heart breaks further. The way you've written Snape is just inspiring, I can whole-heartedly feel the desperation he feels for Lily, the way he longs for her to come back to him. I can personally feel the grief he feels, the pain that's tearing him apart because he feels responsible for the loss of Lily. The sophisticated vocabulary you've used maximises it even more - I feel that I just want to ease Severus' pain and make him realise that he needs to let go, because as we know he never did let go. Never did he let go of the love he felt towards Lily, the only person that ever understood him and appreciated the person he was. He's such a broken person and this story really lets the audience recognise the broken man he is.
The flashbacks were also beautiful. They represented the friendship they had and how much he needed her. A lot of the time people don't appreciate how much she needed him also, but the divide in their personality would not let them be the best of friends that they knew they should be. The thing that stood in the way of their friendship was the Marauders, and these flashbacks made me feel so nostalgic considering everything that Severus and Lily had and the relationship they shared. This is a beautiful story, it captures the aboslute essence of who Severus and Lily were. It was so poignant, every emotion was displayed beautifully, magically.
LMVAuthor's Response: Ah. Perfecting the formatting is difficult seeing as the formatting goes haywire while posting the chapter. But I'm a stickler for good formatting and I know how distracting it is when fics are not properly formatted.
I'm not sure either whether Nature should be capitalised or not. I haven't got this beta'ed yet, but am intending to. So I'll check with my beta then. :)
Descriptions are the easiest to write for me, it's the dialogue tags I usually have trouble with. And openings. I usually go for slightly unconventional openings, and they're not the easiest to write/conceive. But reviews such as these which appreciate how much of thought has gone into it makes it worthwhile.
Snape's horrible childhood did play a very key role in shaping him into the man he became. He was oppressed and weak, and that led him to seek power.
I'm so glad to hear that you could connect with Snape. That is the greatest achievement for any writer - to be able to elicit a reaction from the reader, to be able to tap into the reservoir of emotions and bring them to the surface.
I'm also pleased to hear that you found the flashback to be beautiful. You're right. Quite often, in flashbacks, we read about Lily being absolutely cold and unforgiving, which I find a little hard to accept. Somewhere deep down, I think Lily would have loved Snape (in a very platonic way, of course), despite everything that had happened between the two of them. I wanted to highlight that.
Thanks for the amazing, amazing review. As I said, reviews such as these make writing worthwhile. Thanks again.
Renee. Report Review
Wow. That was amazingly detailed, and very well thought-out. I really enjoyed your thorough work, the analysis of all of Snape's thoughts, the flashbacks, and the linking of the eulogies to Snape himself. I've read quite a few of these stories, both for Marauders and Hogwarts eras, but I think this has been the best so far. Your Snape seems in character according to what we learned in Deathly Hallows, so it's all good on that front.
I really enjoyed this. Keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. And I'm so sorry I couldn't get round to responding to it before today.
I'm glad to know you liked it. It was difficult to get right, I had to read the books again and read some other fanfics too, but all in all, I think I'm happy with the fic.
Thanks again for the lovely review. Report Review
Hey there dearie! Psychee from the forums here with your review.
You were concerned about writing Severus in a canon manner - let me put your mind to ease. Almost never in fanfic have I seen a Severus so succinctly and perfectly portrayed. His emotions at the funeral are, for lack of word, quite perfect, and I could picture the scene in my mind perfectly.
Knowing what it is like to lose a loved one, I can only agree with you that words never do a person justice - I know that the way I feel is that it is sacrilege to speak at a funeral, because no one has ever truly known the person, and thus no words could fully encompass the truth and extremities of their character. This feeling, this anguish, you portrayed absolutely stunningly.
There were no grammatical errors that I noticed, so kudos to you for that!
The last thing I wanted to comment on was your absolutely divine vocabulary and metaphors. It was so refreshing to be able to read comments like "the ether scorned", or "the sky awash" without it sounding too ... corny, really. It was perfect.
This really was sublime.
KalinaAuthor's Response: Wow. Thanks, thanks for the wonderful review. :) And I'm so sorry I couldn't get round to responding before today.
I'm glad to hear that Snape was portrayed well. I agree, words never do a person justice. Especially because the person would have meant so many different things to so many different people, and one person's account never quite does justice to the deceased.
My vocab... Glad you didn't find the prose to be verbose, because as often as not, I get reviews which say that I need to dumb down my writing a bit because it is too highbrow. Whilst I don't completely agree with it, sometimes, I do feel that I just might have gone a bit overboard. I'm working on it though; hopefully I improve.
I'm so relieved to hear that this fic didn't sound corny. I was worried about it, because personally, I'm as unemotional as they come. So writing EMOTIONS was particularly hard for me. In fact, I had to force myself to write some of the lines, and when I reread, I felt that some of these lines were a mite cheesy.
Thanks again for the lovely review. :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your review. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to get here, and I apologize for the delay.
Anyway, I absolutely loved this one-shot!! Everything was flawless about it: the structure, the emotions, the flow, the characterization... Everything.
You said you were concerned about Snape's characterization, but I don't think you have anything to be worried about. :) He acted, thought, and moved exactly as JKR wrote him, so that's all good.
There were a few paragraphs with some awkward phrasing, but other than that I couldn't spot a lot of grammar mistakes. It all moved and flowed very nicely, and the paragraphs seemed to melt into each other!
The descriptions here were probably my favorite part of this story. You illustrate such a perfect image for the reader, and I can really picture what's going on and the setting around it all perfectly.
One last thing: the emotions were fantastic! With this fic, the writer would have to be really good at writing emotions, and you did it all quite well!
All in all, it was a wonderful read. For me, a definite 10/10 for you! XD
RinAuthor's Response: Thank you, thanks so much for such a wonderful review.
I don't have a beta, so I'll have to reread and edit this chapter again. Some of the sentences seem all right when I write them, but they sound awkward when I read them. I'll have to tweak these sentences a bit so that they read OK.
Glad to hear that the emotions and descriptions were good. I consider myself to be a very heartless, emotionless person. I really had to force my fingers to type some of the lines and paragraphs of this one-shot. I kept saying to myself: just because you don't feel anything, doesn't mean the character shouldn't feel the same way. That is why I love to write, because I can get into characters' heads and write about emotions which I generally would not feel.
Glad to know that Snape wasn't too OOC or anything. I've read the books so many times that writing Snape as Jo would have written him wasn't particularly hard.
Thanks again for such an amazing review. :)
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