I had to catch myself in this one, I clicked the next chapter button to read on before remembering that I was requested to review this one! Kudos because its not often that a story can make me do that! Very Great writing in this chapter, and its nice to have a chapter where Bri talks about her mom. Good work.Author's Response: Hi! :) Aw, thank you very much! That makes me feel great. I'm glad you're continuing to like it more :) Report Review
Yet another captivating chapter. The twins are as usual therei annoying humours selfs that you can't help but love, and then Brienne is seemingly more developed in this chapter to me. I like how as the chapter goes on we see a broken side of Bri when it comes to her mum and that it gives her character a bit more depth. I will just say that I noticed that you image in this chapter is not credited, I don''t mind for this one as I made it, but other artists might mind if it isn't, just thought I should mention it. Looking forward to the next chapter.Author's Response: Hi! Thank you very much for the review! :)
I'm glad you think Brienne is more developed here :) And that you like my Fred and George.
The chapter image is credited in the chapter summary :) Thank you again! Report Review
At long last, I'm finally getting around to the rest of this story, which it appears you are almost finished with, very exciting!
The characterization, and Brienne in particular, continue to be very strong. I enjoyed her little quirks, such as slipping back into her French accent when she is sick, and we can continue to see the difficulty of her situation and how she is handling it in a very believable way.
I also enjoyed the way you keep incorporating the events from Book 3 and showing Brienne's perspective of them, but also while maintaining the canon integrity of the events by not trying to give her a bigger role in them. This is what makes the story seem as if it could have realistically been occurring concurrently with Harry's.
Also, as much as we all like Sirius now, I can remember how terrifying he seemed before the relevant plot twists, and that really came acrross here. The suspense continues to build!Author's Response: Hi! It's so good to see a review from you again!
Since you nominated Brienne last year for Best Original Character, I'm very glad you think her characterisation is consistant :) Thank you!
I really want this to be parallel to the original. I hate when OC's are shoehorned into the original story and it just doesn't fit.
Thank you so much! Report Review
This is good. I especially liked the description of the boat ride to the castle, there was really great description that made the scene come to life. Great work, keep it up.Author's Response: Thanks you very much! :) Report Review
Hello! Finally here for your requested review! Sorry for the wait.
Well. I think this might be my favourite chapter so far. Honestly, I loved it - the Divination, the tarot cards and the mysterious dream; I really enjoy it when fanfic writers include lessons on magic - whether arithmancy or transfiguration etc., and here, I think you've done an amazing job portraying the Divination lesson. It's clearly not a subject that Brienne or the others enjoy or have a lot of respect for, but from the dream and the tarot cards, you've shown that it is a subject with some value in it - it sort of hints at Brienne's past - and it hints very accurately, too. And then there are possibly portents about the future? The part where the Justice card remained black in the dream has got to be my absolute favourite moment of this chapter.
Justice remained black. No matter how much Brienne ran her fingers over the shiny card, Justice never changed. She supposed she was still in the dark about that card.
You've captured the vague and abstract-ish sense of a dream amazingly well, here. It actually makes a lot of sense that Brienne would have such strange dreams, what with the foggy, heavily-perfumed and highly theoretical nature of the class - and of course, dream interpretation is part of the Divination syllabus.
It's great that you've introduced a whole new character here. Paisley Hamilton seems like a very interesting girl so far, anxious but bold enough to introduce herself to Brienne, and it seems the girls bond with each other over their mutual boredom and disinterest with the class. I like the interactions between Brienne and Paisley; they aren't instant friends, at least not through Brienne's viewpoint - in fact, the latter is a bit cool and detached toward Paisley. I think it was a really lovely idea making them read each other's lives in tarot cards (and though neither seem to take the whole thing seriously, I'm going to interpret that scene as something symbolic), because of course, examining the other's lives is quite an intimate affair. Which certainly explains Brienne's intense discomfort at her cards.
However, I am a little unsure about Brienne's reaction to the cards as well as the dream, though. It seems that she agrees that the cards are pointing out to specific elements in her life (her mother, George etc.), and yet doesn't take them seriously. Or maybe she does? And that her perspective toward Divination has changed dramatically? Whatever it is, I do hope this will come up in future chapters :)
CC wise: you did take quite some time to really settle into the rhythm of this chapter. The first few paragraphs are a little clunky:
The Quidditch team had trained every other day, which included Angelina, whose friendship Brienne had begun to appreciate greatly along with that of the Twins. As the training sessions shifted from morning to evening -- When it was warmer in the October breeze -- Brienne found herself out of luck for companionship for a lot of the time.
It was mid-October, and it was time for Divination.
There are some rather stilted and unwieldy sentences in there, and I suspect that some of them might be ungrammatical as well. You might want to take a look at them, starting with the first sentence. It's understandable, though; sometimes writers don't always start tidily, but they do settle nicely and become really comfortable with their writing, as you demonstrated with the later part of the chapter.
Also, in the above extract, I think the transition to: it was mid-October and it was time for Divination wasn't the smoothest, either. In fact I think you could scrap the entire first paragraph and just start with the Divination bit. I understand that first paragraph about Quidditch was probably meant to tie this chapter to the previous one with Angelina and practices and all, but I don't think it's necessary. By starting this with: it was mid-october etc. you're stating that time has passed since the last chapter, and you don't really need to link both chapters so closely. I hope I'm making sense here! It's 1am :P
Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, I really enjoyed this chapter! I think you made full use of Divination - and you've certainly captured the dreamlike ethereal nature of the subject. Also, bonus points for introducing a new character :D Great work! I look forward to coming back and reading more ^.^
-tehAuthor's Response: Hi! :) I always grow a smile on my face when I see a nice big review like this :)
I liked the sense in the original books like how nobody took Divination seriously but it did have some merit in the end :) I don't think they would teach it at Hogwarts if it didn't.
I think the cards unsettle Brienne, and her reaction unsettles her even more. She doesn't want to believe that they mean anything, but obviously her dreams indicate otherwise xD
Thank you for the tips about the early paragraphing :) Sometimes it is difficult to settle into the flow, so thanks for helping me fix it xD
Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad you liked it overall :) Report Review
This was a really interesting start of a story! Normally, I don't exactly love reading stories centered around an OC, but this is an exception! I did love seeing Hogwarts and a few familiar faces from Brienne's POV - I actually had a lot of fun trying to identify them; I think she stumbled upon Malfoy and Percy, besides Luna, of course! It's funny that Luna popped into my head as soon as you described her voice as dreamy.
At first I thought that Brienne was looking back at her time in Muggle school before Hogwarts, when she missed her old school uniforms. But then you explained that she was really from Beauxbatons! I wonder why she changed schools. Given the description of the story, it might have something to do with her mum's death. I guess I'll have to keep reading to find out. I especially look forward to seeing more of Fred and George - they are such wonderful and funny characters, and I'm eager to see your portrayal of them. My guess is that Brienne will end up in Gryffindor, since she's in the same year as them, and she'll fall in love with one of them. I have no idea which one, though. Probably George, since Fred always seemed to have a thing with Angelina.
I'll probably come back sometime and keep reading, because this seems promising :)Author's Response: Hi!
Brienne is my pride and joy and I hope you enjoy continuing to read about her if you decide to continue :)
Haha, it was fun dropping in references to existing characters! xD Cause of course, Brienne would only know them as "the dude with red hair and glasses," or whatever xD
Nope, Brienne is a transfer student from Beauxbatons, and it is because of a certain reason that will be explored a lot in future chapters :)
Thank you very much for your review and I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Review tag right back at you! :)
Another great chapter! I really liked the further insight into Brienne's mother, and the causes of her death. It's very intruiging, and I like how you've tied in the mystery of her mother and why someone would want to kill her with Brienne's experiences at Hogwarts. There's so many interesting plot lines, and they fit together in such an interesting manner! Hmm, I wonder if Brienne's mother was involved with the Order of the Phoenix? And if it was one of Voldy's supporters who killed her? At first I was thinking of Bertha Jorkins for some reason, but then she died at the beginning of GoF, didn't she? Hmm...
I'm also liking Brienne's friendship with the twins more and more. George coming after her was so sweet, and I really like the connection and chemistry they have going on between them. I like how Fred is confused that he can't completely understand what his twin is thinking: it must be strange for them when someone, especially a girl, comes into the equation! Brienne seems to fit well with them, and hey, she can already tell them apart!
I might have mentioned this in a previous review, but I really like how you set the story during PoA. I kind of think of it as the last normal Hogwarts year, since the next year was the Tournament which made Hogwarts life quite different, and then along came Voldy... And I love how Lupin plays a role as well! It all fits very nicely. :)
Great job!!! :DAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you very much for the review :)
I'm really glad you like it! :) This is still just setting up everything, and soon the story will kick into gear xD Thank you!
PoA is my favourite HP book other than DH, so I really wanted to start it here :) And also, you're right in that everything starts after this one xD
Thank you again! Report Review
Dropping by from the review tag. This doesn't count as the review you requested from me; don't worry, I'll get down to doing that soon :P
I loved this chapter! There's something very clear and striking about your prose (sorry, I can't remember if I've mentioned this in my previous reviews); it's straightforward and pleasant and it's really comfortable to read - if what I'm saying makes sense. And i think it suits your story very well, and it certainly suits Brienne's viewpoint tremendously. Brienne is this normal relatable everyday-sort-of-girl character (sorry for making up phrases), but her emotional core is full of pain - a quiet sort of pain, and this plain and simple style of prose is just perfect for describing life through her eyes. There's a lovely understatedness to your prose, and this is something that I really appreciate about this story.
As for this particular chapter - I'm loving all the introduction of other canon characters and their Quidditch practices and all. I absolutely ♥ Angelina Johnson, so I'm glad to see her here. There's perhaps a hint of Fred/Angelina here? Eee ♥ It's lovely to see Brienne sitting through their Quidditch practices and I suppose Ron and Hermione will be somewhere in the stands too, watching Harry, and there's a nice relaxed atmosphere to this entire chapter - except the last paragraph which I'll talk about in a minute.
The water fight was a lovely addition. I liked the idea of Angelina and Brienne becoming friends (it's interesting to see what will happen many years later, when George and Angelina get married as in canon - but that I suppose is a good long way off from where we are).
That last paragraph tugged at my heart a little. After all that fun and light-hearted play, all of Brienne's old worries and heartache come back - and I'm guessing she's guilty that she actually enjoyed herself. It's such a very human thing. And that change of tone really reminded the reader that despite all the playfulness of the chapter, that undercurrent of trauma and grief is still present, at least for Brienne. You've got some lovely word choice with those last couple of sentences: When Angelina fell asleep, Brienne lay awake. The dark pink curtains of her bed outlined her gaze. Before long, they were swimming before her, and Brienne bit down on her pillow to avoid waking her friend with her guilty sobs. This is just written perfectly. These are sparse lines for such strong emotions, but they show so much and, as I mentioned earlier, there's this lovely understatedness to your prose which I adore. It is a great way to end the chapter.
OK, I have this feeling I rambled a bit too much in this review. Anyway, I really enjoyed this - it's a slow chapter, but what you lack in pacing, you certainly do make up with the careful characterisation and well-established tone. Awesome stuff, will be back soon ^.^
-tehAuthor's Response: Hi! :D
Ah, I do love your reviews!
I'm so glad you liked it! I've often thought in the past that this chapter is the weakest, and I could never put my finger on what it was. It makes me feel a lot better that you like it :)
I hope you like the next chapter too :) Thank you! Report Review
Another great chapter! I like how well you've tied the story into canon, and I can really imagine Brienne fitting into the idea of Hogwarts I have in my head. You've clearly put a lot of thought and detail into the story, and it certainly pays off, like the exciting idea for practicing Stunning charms in DADA. Definitely seems like a lesson plan Lupin would think up!
Ah, the twins! I really, really love how you've portrayed them. It's spot on, but also gives them some time in the limelight. I'm very interested to see how you'll develop the twins as individuals, and how they'll interact and progress in friendships with Brienne (since they're on the banner, I'm going to put forward an educated guess that there will be a little more than friendship! :P). I loved how the twins were moving in unison and finishing each other's sentences, and how they were joking around with Brienne but also making her feel welcome.
I really liked the conversation about Brienne's mother with Lupin, and again you've done well at setting up the suspense and intrigue. I really like the plotline of her mother dying, by the way, and I'm curious to learn more about Lupin's involvement with Brienne's mother.
Nice work, once again! :)Author's Response: Hi!
Making this match with canon is very important to me :) So thank you!
Writing the twins is SO much fun, but it can be hard to write their synchronicity and humour :) I'm glad you like them! They are definetely going to be developed more as the story goes on :)
Thank you very much for your lovely review! :) Report Review
Review tag! :)
Haha, so first of all I feel so bad for poor Brienne, being the center of attention and grouped in with the first years. I always thought how stressful being Sorted would be, and she really does stand out. I love how she's grown attached to Luna, even though she's a lot younger. It shows that she's not stuck up at all. So far, I really like her as a character: she's very modest, observant and all around rather likeable! :)
I'm definitely glad she's in Gryffindor. Also, random side note, I wonder if Beauxbatons would have houses, and how they would be divided? It would be interesting to read about anyway, but enough of this random tangent! :P
You've done a good job at building suspense of Brienne's past by hinting at her family. I'm very curious to find out what happened!
I'm curious about this sleeping situation. Is the room with the staircase the dormitory for all the fifth year girls? It would actually make sense if so, because I did think if all the years were as small as Harry's then Hogwarts would barely have any students!
Anyway, this was another good chapter, and I look forward to reading more! :)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review!
Brienne is my pride and joy as it were, so I really want her experience and the reading experience to come across as realistic as possible. So I'm glad it does xD
I have no idea if Beauxbatons has Houses :p It seems like they should, they've got to have some way of sorting the students.
The room with the staircase was the way I imagine all of the girl's dormitories to be xD Like you walk in, and you have to go either up or down depending on which year you are. Reading it back now it doesn't make a lot of sense xD
Thank you again! :) Report Review
Wow you seriously have a gift for writing. This chapter was amazing! Hope you can update soon!Author's Response: :D Wow! What an unexpected pleasure! Thank you very much :) Report Review
So, I've seen this story floating around the forums, and I thought it was about time I gave this a shot!
It's been a really long time since I read some good ol' drama. From your summary, the plot sounds very promising!
Our introduction to Brienne is interesting. We know bits and pieces about her; enough to form an opinion on her, but without knowing who she really is. It's a really subtle and well-done way of characterisation and I commend you on it!
I, too, think it's a really inelegant way to be introduced the school. For first years, the boat trip across the lake is the best thing ever, but for a new kid starting not in first year, it's not so crash hot. I'm looking forward to reading about Brienne's reactions!
Wonderful first chapter (you probably get this a lot), and I'm looking forward to meeting more characters and getting to know Brienne better in the next chapter!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you very much for your review!
I'm glad you like Brienne :) And I really hope if you continue that you continue to like her, and the rest of my characters! :D
Thank you again! Report Review
Tagging you from Review Tag!
You probably thought you were rid of me, didn't you? Never! I've just been waiting for the correct moment to strike.
A whole chapter about sixteenth birthdays. It was an interesting theme to overlay on the events that take place here. It was clever to interject a little bit of muggle-born culture into the mix with Paisley's reaction to turning sixteen. Her reaction is much more in line with what we're used to seeing in real life, right down to the way that her younger sibling seems a bit jealous. And it set up one of the funniest dry one-liners of the entire story:
“You!” Trelawney swept over to their desk, her taloned finger pointed dramatically at Paisley. “My girl, today you celebrate! My Inner Eye tells me you, why, today you become a year older!”
Both girls stared at her blankly. Paisley’s luminous birthday balloons bumped against the desk. -- That was awesome! Brilliantly understated.
You kept the events surrounding O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams very true to the books, which I liked. The poor Fifth Years seem to be constantly walking that fine line bordering on either a physical collapse or snapping mentally. Fred and George are a useful pair to have around at a time like that. From the moment they descend from the dormitory on their birthday, they're sucking away the tension and replacing it with delicious silliness. Even the teachers seem to get caught up in the dissipation of stress.
Poor George. He's just all kinds of awkward in this chapter. As frustrating as it is to watch him flounder and flop in every romantic situation -- and believe me, it's **very** frustrating! -- I think you're doing a really good job of capturing the way that a very non-romantic teenage boy struggles with trying to act on his feelings. Especially one like George who has the additional handicap of being a twin and not dealing especially well with difficult things that he must do on his own.
The "almost kiss" was one of the most painful things I've read in a while. Not painful because it isn't written well, mind you. Quite the opposite. It's painful because you've gotten me so invested in these characters and it's hard to watch the two of them struggle like this. George had the perfect line and everything: "Not freak out." I mean, it's not Shakespeare or anything, but I thought it was perfect for him. And he blew it. Lost his nerve at the last minute and pulled up when he should have closed the deal. Come on, Georgie, get it together!!!
It seems like the two of them took a big step back in their relationship, which is completely understandable. Apparently that's the pattern with these two. Every time they get close to a breakthrough, something pulls them back.
The letter from Stanley Meadowes continued to build the tension around the death of Brienne's mother. It opened up a new avenue of intrigue and a new level of tension. I had assumed all along that Dark Wizards and possibly Death Eaters were involved, but now we know that they're on the loose. This bodes poorly for Brienne.
It was very sweet of all of her friends to take a break from their exams and celebrate the birthday that she seems to have more or less forgotten. George is still being so hopeless. If you like a girl, you don't go in on a gift with your brother! You get her one yourself, you big dope!
And you leave us with a cliffhanger! Missives from beyond the grave...
I saw one itsy-bitsy typo, which is pretty darn good for a chapter this long:
It wasn’t as euphoric as the parties usually thrown after Quidditch games, but it was excited all the same. -- exciting?
So I seem to recall you saying that this is the penultimate chapter. It seems like a lot of exciting things are on tap for the next one, then. Can't wait!Author's Response: Hi! Ha! What a great thing to find when you've had a long day! A review from you!
I thought the birthdays was a good way to give a little attention to Paisley and the Twins, and I didn't want to ignore the main character's friend's birthdays like J.K.R seemed to do most of the time.
Something I also didn't want to ignore= their exams. Exam season is currently going on and while I don't have to do them anymore (thank the heavens) my brother and friends are, so I can pick up on their horror and use it to my advantage xD
Brienne and George just can't catch a break xD They are both so awkward and shy in this aspect of things, and their feelings for each other just make it harder for them! Hopefully one of them will get over it soon and become close again xD
While the romance is pretty big story-wise, her mother's murder is most important, and is most on the forefront of Brienne's mind. Maybe that's part of why they haven't got it together yet xD
Thanks for spotting the typo! My beta already let me know about it, and the correction is in the queue xD But thank you for letting me know anyway :)
This is indeed the penultimate chapter. But there is a lot more to come, so no worries. It will be me that you can't get away from before long xD
Thank you for the lovely, long, stupendous review! Report Review
woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.
I need the next chapter. Oh my goodness. Is this a letter from the murderers cursed to look like her mother's writing? MY MINDAuthor's Response: xD Haha! Don't worry, I'm working on the next chapter now! Thank you! Report Review
Hello, here for review tag!!
This certainly is an interesting beginning to your story! I like Brienne already, and you've done a good job of hinting at details of her past without giving too much away, and therefore building suspense. The characterization of Luna was perfect!!! Honestly, I think JKR herself would be proud! :)
I liked how you integrated Brienne in with the events of PoA, like the Dementors. PoA is probably my favourite HP book and it's refreshing that you picked that one to set the story in. I'm definitely interested to see how else you'll tie in Harry's adventures to Brienne's POV.
I'm excited to find out where she'll be sorted (though I have a good idea about where...:)). Great first chapter!!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review!
Wow, thank you for what you said about Brienne and Luna, aw shucks xD
This isn't really anything to do with Harry's story, but she does tie into the HP world as much as I can possibly make her :)
Thank you very much again! :) Report Review
Hey again! It's been a while since I've read this story and I have to say, I'd forgotten just how good it is!
A lot of time passed in this chapter and for many authors (myself included) that would make the chapter feel very rushed and the flow completely disjointed and out of whack. However, you have this way of piecing your words together so perfectly - this chapter flowed like a long flowy piece of silk. And I just realize now after writing that comparison how ridiculous it sounds. But you really are a brilliant author!
I think my favourite thing about this story would have to be your characterization of Fred and George. You have written them almost perfectly, exactly the same as JK Rowling. You've managed to make them funny without being completely annoying and kind and loving without being soppy. I am also impressed by the fact that though they are similar in many ways, your Fred and George are also completely different! They are very, very well written.
I enjoyed the bits about Fred and George's birthday most of all this chapter, I think. I loved that they spent the day in their pajamas and encouraged Brienne to do the same. However, I would definitely have liked to see some more pranks!
I have to admit, I felt pretty bad for George when he tried to kiss Brienne and she didn't kiss him back AGAIN! It's clear that they both like each other, and I think Brienne definitely needs to give George a chance! Maybe it would cheer her up a little!
Finally, that cliffhanger at the end! The very last line honestly gave me shivers up my spine and I can't wait to find out more? Her mother can't be alive...can she? No, don't answer that! I can't wait for the next chapter - I hope you update soon!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi! It's great to get a review from you again!
I'm SO glad it doesn't appear stinted and forced, the time passing, so thank you for saying you liked it.
I really want to make Fred and George appear authentically 'Fred and George'ish, but not to the point where they're annoying or too much.
Ooh, more pranks! That makes so much sense xD Thank you for the suggestion, I'll try to work some in :)
Thank you very much for the review! Report Review
Wow you're such a brilliant author! Reading this story was the best decision I've made all week.
Your characterisation of the twins is just spot on. The things they do in your interpretation is exactly the way I'd imagine JK Rowling herself to do. But in saying that, you add your own little twists that I just love (ie George and Brienne! Love them so much).
I love Angelina and her friendship with Brienne and the boys. Because we never really got to see into Angelina and her character, as well as the twins beyond a few pranks etc in the books, the foursome (five with Lee) are a completely credible story line.
Anyway. Wow. Love this so much. Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Hi!
Wow, that's so kind of you! Thank you very much! I love writing Angelina, she's just the right balance with the twins xD Who wouldn't want to be their friend?
And the thing about the characterisation...it made my day.
Thank you again! Report Review
Here for review tag!
Wow, I have come back to this story after a very long time. I read the first three chapters ages ago. Anyhow, I am glad I got the chance to read on.
This story seems to be going in a very nice direction. I like how we learn a little more about Bree and her mother here, and some more 'depth' was added into her character as it was shown how much she loved and missed her mother.
I also enjoyed the moment between George and Bree. It was so sweet when George immediately ran after her when she went to the owlery, and the sort of awkward way in which he tried to console her was cute. I really liked how Fred & George, and Bree seem to have come closer in this chapter, especially towards the end when Bree finally tells them everything about her mother's death. The part about the patronus was a nice touch too =)
All in all, this was a very nicely written chapter and I liked it. Your plot seems good and I hope I get the opportunity to come back and read further on.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi! Nice to have a review from you :)
I'm glad you liked it, and thank you for all of your kind words! Thanks again :) Report Review
This is another chapter well done! I feel so bad for how long its been since I've last visited this story as it is really interesting. I love Brienne. There's still this huge mystery around her which makes the readers want to know more about her and this story that you've written. I also love her friendship with Angelina and Fred and George. They seem to have this wonderful friendship with each other one that I would say might even rival the trio! I thought it was awesome that you kept the events of Sirius breaking in and them all needing to sleep in the Great Hall in your story. It grounded me, gave me something familar to take in with the new. I love the little hints of romance that are being placed in the chapters and do look forward to more! This was a wonderful chapter! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi! It's lovely to see one of your reviews again :)
It's hugely important for me that I keep this grounded in canon, I want to make this seem as integrated as possible with the orginal story. So thank you for saying you like how it keeps in time with the Hallowe'en debacles.
You're so kind! This quartet could rival the Trio? Seriously? That is literally one of the biggest compliments anyone has ever paid me xD Woah! Thank you so much.
Thank you for your review and your kind words. Thank you! Report Review
Much like Brienne, this new OC has really caught my attention. I don't know what it is about her (perhaps it is your wonderful descriptions), but she's very intriguing! I'm excited to see what her role will be in this work.
Divination chapters are always fun for me to read. I remember in the books, they were my favourite, because Ron got some incredibly hilarious one-liners. This chapter is more ominous than humorous, but the foreshadowing is still fun to read. Maybe I'm just insane *shrugs*
Ohhh, you're putting your narration into the sleeping conscious? Third-person omniscient is a bit tricky, but you seem to pull it off. The thing that is tricky about using dreams, is that they are generally used more as "plot drivers," which is fine, but can be really annoying for readers. Dreams are similar to characters that can see into the future. If you use them right, they can be a cool addition, if you don't, people will be wary.
So far, I'm liking the dreams. It adds a deeper element to the work as a whole. The tone has shifted from that of light and fun-filled, to a more dark.
Awesome chapter!Author's Response: Hi!
I really like Paisley, too. I'm glad you like her too xD
Divination gives a lot of excuse for people to feel a little ridiculous, and in Brienne's case it does strike a chord, though she doesn't believe a single bit of it xD
The dreams are more to show symbolism than really prophecy or "plot drivers" as you called it :) I think you're just supposed to take meaning from them.
Thank you very much for the review! :D Report Review
I feel silly, but after reading that last chapter, I smile whenever I read interactions between Georgie and Bri. I might just be insane (let's face it, I am insane), but my favourite part of fancying a girl was always the first few weeks when I couldn't take my blasted eyes off of her.
Er, right...something about your novel always takes me back to my teens. You, my dear, are a fantastic writer.
Okay, onto more sophisticated thoughts, because I am capable of such things.
Ha, Bri has been so upset lately that something incredibly hilarious had to happen for her actually smile again. Leave it to the twins to be on the receiving side of that, eh? George getting attacked by crookshanks(?) even made me laugh. Well, I say that like it's super hard to make me laugh. It isn't, at all.
Angelina! Yes! She knows what's going down!! Although, it's sad for me to think that Angelina/George will be a thing later on. They will have children that I write about :P
Er, right, so anyway, she cried herself to sleep?! How sad and incredibly heart wrenching to read :(
What an awesome cliffie!
So the overall tone of this chapter is actually quite refreshing. This was your comic-relief, right? You're building up crucial relationships and showing how incredibly epic your characters are, and that just makes me all giddy.
JackAuthor's Response: Hi! This is my 700th review for this story! Thank you so much for helping me reach that milestone xD
Generally when someone says I'm "a fantastic writer" with "epic characters" I squee with excitement, and this is no exception. You are so kind! And you don't seem to mind that the story's pace is going kind of slowly. You get that I'm trying to build relationships and characterisation.
Gah, I can't handle this review! Just so awesome! Thank you so much xD
Remember how pathetically tardy this review is? I do, and I'm ashamed of myself :( Although, to be fair, I was going to review your absolutely wonderful work yesterday. I figured I should wait out the silly words, or else this review would have been a box filled with my laughter.
Awesome, onto your much anticipated review (I sincerely hope not, actually, because my stories aren't nearly as impressive as yours is)!
George...oh man, George is just a freaking awesome bloke. He didn't even think twice about running after Brienne. Seriously, George? To be honest, I think I would have just stared at her back like an idiot before recognizing what was actually going on (I'm obnoxiously oblivious to much stuff).
However, George and Bri have some intense chemistry going on, so I'm not surprised he didn't hesitate. That stud.
Look at this interesting plot you have (I do realize that you've seen it before...you did write it for heaven's sakes. I'm just not very good at articulating proper thoughts :P)! I figured her poor mother was dead, but I figured it was some kind of illness, because I have a sick-twisted mind, but geez. The freaking killing curse? I'm so excited to review your next chapter!
Geez, I can see why so many people adore this novel. It's fan-flipping-tastic! Not only does it incorporate my specialty of fluff, but it has twists of humour and a dash of dark in it. I sound like I'm cooking something.
Right, I thoroughly enjoyed the part about the twins becoming somewhat detached from each other near the end, when for what seems like the first time, Fred doesn't understand what's going on in George's mind. I was like: Holy Hufflepuff! No way!
That, of course, is a good thing.
All right, I'm off to review your next chapter :D
JackAuthor's Response: Hey! Wowzers! What a nice surprise xD
Honestly, don't worry about the review being tardy, I'm the worst when it comes to that.
Haha, George is a stud. He knows how to support his friends, whilst Fred I think is a little like how you described yourself xD
It's really good to get a guy's point of view for this story, I gotta say. I think I've only had a couple of guys review this story before, so it's great to get another opinion, especially from a guy who likes fluff! xD
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
Hello! teh tarik from the forums with your requested review :) First of all, a massive apology for taking such an awful long time to respond *headdesk* Second, I don't know if you've seen it, but my_voice_rising made a lovely gif for your story on her blog :D Gaaah, made me smile a bit and then reminded me to get down to reviewing...
I'm just so glad to be back reading this fic! Joker is fast becoming one of my favourite Hogwarts-era fics and I really should catch up on it time to time. The pacing is slow but so controlled, and you really take your time to reveal the mystery about Brienne's character, and the tragic event that changed her life. That being said, there's certainly a lot of new development in this chapter, in terms of plot and characterisation - from the startling letter her dad sent her to the growing awkwardness/possible romantic development between her and George.
I also love the sense of the growing mystery about her mother's death and how it has affected her friendship with the twins. And there is a lovely and very realistic detail, in this sentence: After leaving the Owlery, Fred and George had treated Brienne delicately, as if she were a bomb that threatened to explode. I've always thought that she was a very fragile person, which isn't unusual given her circumstances, and thus the twins treating her as something rather breakable is realistic, despite their generally insensitive and mischievous nature. That being said, I would have liked to see a bit more detail following the above sentence, a bit more showing - e.g. what exactly do the twins do and how exactly they speak to her (you could possibly just focus on one or two significant moments).
I really like the way you handle Brienne's friendship with the twins; they're part of their own little group, but she seems to fit in rather awkwardly rather than naturally, which is lovely and rather realistic. I've come across fics where OCs immediately bond with Fred & George because of their similarities and love of pranks and flouting the rules...etc. So it's nice to see a fic where your OC is nothing like the characters she's friends with, and where she doesn't just fit in seamlessly. It certainly makes the whole transfer student aspect of your fic more believable. The concept of friendship is portrayed with complexity - and I really love the way you show the delicacy and sometimes discomfort of the interactions between friends. And then of course, I'm assuming the line between friendship and er...something more gets blurred :D You're showing it very subtly with the way Brienne and George act around each other. As George pulled away from the hug, Brienne had stopped crying. She sniffed, staring at George curiously. She tilted her head slightly to the side, and stared into George's eyes. A funny feeling tugged in her chest. This line ♥ It's so uncomfortable! It's done very simply and very nicely, without melodrama. There's a little lightness, a bit of humour in the moment as well, especially when we take into account the fact that George was sort of hugging her rather clumsily and trying to hold his breath from the smell of the owls and all :D It's a very fleeting moment and a little sparse, which works so well and despite how little you've actually said, it really reveals so much and foreshadows plenty as well, about the growing feelings between George and Brienne. At least I'm assuming that this is something of a George/OC fic :)
Mm...I hope you don't mind if I give you a little CC; all reviews requested at my thread will usually contain some (I have to mention this because it seems some people weren't expecting CC when they requested, nor were they too happy, either...).
You tend to gloss things over a little, and the prime example here would be the drifting apart between Brienne and Luna. I know it's somewhat obvious that the two wouldn't get along too well due to the differences in age and House, but still, I do feel you could have gone into a bit more detail about the slow loss of friendship between the two girls. You only had one sentence to describe this: rienne had also spent some fleeting time with Luna -- the girl that she was sitting with on the Hogwarts Express -- but had quickly realised that she was far too young, and far too distant, and far too...odd, to cement a friendship with her. There's nothing after that, and it does feel a little strange, because you've gone into a little detail in writing Luna, in the previous (especially the first) chapters, and how Brienne does really want to be friends with her. Again, a little more explanation, or detail, would really balance out the inconsistencies in the narrative.
I think you have a very lovely ending to this chapter, the way Brienne conjures up an image of her mother while learning the Patronus charm. That being said, I would love if you could build on that sense of the ending a little further - it's a little sparse and a bit more detail would really create more of an emotional impact, and would really tie the chapter up nicely. Specifically, I would love to see more personal memories of her mother (loved the fake wand bit! certainly reminds me of the twins and their inventing...). More beautiful and intimate details like this would really give a fleeting but poignant series of impressions of the mother, and the relationship between her and Brienne. It would also strengthen the ending of your chapter and really tie things up nicely, especially since this chapter is titled "My Mother".
OK, anyway, I think I'm done! Gah, such an absurdly long review; I hope this has been helpful to you in some way - you're probably too deep into the story to make changes, but I do hope these will be some help to you as your write further chapters! Great work, I really enjoyed reading and catching up on your fic! Good luck and keep writing ♥
-tehAuthor's Response: Hi! Wow, don't worry about long reviews, they're my very favourite! I didn't know there was a gif! Wow! *instant search*
Aww, thank you so much! Really means a lot to me when people say things like "this is one of my favourite fics" because that makes me feel real special :)
The friendship between Brienne and the twins is something that's really important to me, I really want to get it right, so I'm glad it feels organic :)
I LOVE CC, cause after all that's the only way I can improve :) So thank you!
I agree that I scrimped on the details a little here- with the whole Luna thing and the last Patronus scene. I will try and add a little more detail here in order to help with the characterisation, so thank you very much!
Thanks again :) What a lovely review! Report Review
Cool and awsome chapterAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I think that the first few chapters have, so far, moved a little slowly. I am, however, still excited to see what's next, but at the same time I wish there would be a more in-depth plot and I'd like to hear more of Brienne's personal thoughts so I know her character better.
I also think there needed to be more of an extensive introduction to Fred and George's friendship with Brienne instead of fast-forwarding through that critical plot point. I would've liked to see some of the things that made them closer. I found it odd that Angelina brought up Brienne and George's attraction to each other, when never before in the story did Brienne note any of these things from George. I understand that Brienne was apparently unaware of George's attraction to her, but it would be less confusion if there were times where, perhaps, George said something or did something that hinted at his feelings towards her, without Brienne noticing it.
Overall, the story is good, but I feel that it needs to be more in-depth so that the reader can really understand what's going on in the characters' heads.Author's Response: Hi! Yes, I believe that these first few chapters are my weakest.
The plot does get more in-depth as the story goes, but I agree that maybe I can try and deepen it here a little :)
Thanks for saying about the friendship thing, I'll try and show that a bit more clearly :) There used to be a lot of bits where you could see George's feelings but I didn't want it to be too obvious. At the moment Angelina is only speculating, putting two-and-two together for the fun of it. Brienne is in no place to fancy anyone at the moment anyway xD
Thank you very much for your review and thank you for your help :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection