Reading Reviews for A Good Day
  
24 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ava Pearce -Part B-

20th April 2010:
Hi its RoseWeasleysPatronus from the forums here, Ava to review again.

Seeing as I'm not usually one for flash, it was suprising how much of a liking I took to this story. It was very well written and the emotions were well displayed. You could see it was almost heartshattering for Elphias when he got the idea that Albus loved someone else.
And more so when Albus was watching him leave, with tears filling his blue eyes.
I really could pick no mistakes, the writing flowed and was excellent. I love the characterisation of Dumbledore, Spot on!
10/10 I thoroughly enjoyed it :)
Ava xx

Author's Response: Ava, thank you for such a great review! I really appreciate it. I'm glad you felt the emotion I was trying so hard to capture and that you enjoyed my characterization of Dumbledore. I'm thrilled you gave it such a great rating, made me smile.

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Review #2, by dracos_hotter -Part A-

15th April 2010:
Hello there! Here from the forums [bamboomei's the name...]

"Did he have the courage to trod up the craggy front steps..." I think this should probably be 'tread' instead of 'trod'. Trod is the wrong tense here, and doesn't make sense to me =S

Wow, everything feels quite old. Old friends! Old house. Old love. You've given it a brilliant sense of being from a different time here -- everything feels quite nostalgic.

"posted from the India border" Indian? Doesn't quite make sense, again.

I have got to say, I have major objections to using paratheses in literature. This is a personal thing of mine, that I was taught, but I'm sure there are other's as freakishly picky about them as I. I've always preferred using hyphens, or commas.

Elphias and Albus... I confess it never even crossed my tiny mind. I just thought it was close friendship. But I guess [romantic] love fits with the story surprisingly well...

This is quite fascinating. It's not all-guns-blazing action, but it's certainly grabbing in it's own little way.

xE

Author's Response: Thanks for the review bamboomei! I appreciate the small things you pointed out, it does help to have fresh eyes on the work to see the things I've missed. I'll have to go back and look through about those parentheses, though since I wrote this my writing style has changed and I'm more inclined towards hyphens. Its a good point though, thank you for bringing it up.

I'm glad you enjoyed the different feel of this piece. I definitely wanted to capture a more 'old-time' sense and the pairing, while unusual, lends itself nicely to this sort of story. Thank you again for the review!

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Review #3, by crestwood -Part B-

13th April 2010:
Ohhh. I get it. He's really in love with Grindelwald. Wow didn't see that coming. Ha Ha wouldn't it be great if they formed a love triangle. I love this fic! 10/10

Author's Response: Hehe, of course he's in love with Grindelwald! I'm glad you liked, thanks!

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Review #4, by crestwood -Part A-

13th April 2010:
Hey. It's crestwood here for your requested review.

First off I just want to let you know that you are a great writer. You really did this ship justice. I feel as though Dodgy's feelings are just radiating off of my computer screen. Also you portray Dumbledore fantastically. I love this!

Author's Response: Thanks crest, I'm thrilled you think so! I really wanted to do both these characters justice and capture the special nature of their relationship. I'm so pleased you enjoyed the writing. Thank you for the review!

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Review #5, by Ava Pearce -Part A-

13th April 2010:
Hi RoseWeasleysPatronus from the forums, Ava to review

Well i really enjoyed the somewhat detailed descriptions of Elphias's travels. Many stories with the same ideas just say 'I went to this country and this' but don't actually describe it in good detail. So kudos for that.
It was very interesting to observe the relationship between these two.
There was a spelling mistake in there i picked up but I can't remember what it is now (lol)
Great chapter, the descriptions, once again were great!
Ava xx

Author's Response: Thank you Ava for a review that made me smile. I'm also glad you picked out the details about the Grand Tour: it's such an interesting concept and I wanted to do it justice.

I'm glad you liked the read and I'll check for that misspelling ;)

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Review #6, by taylorj828 -Part B-

12th September 2009:
Okay, part 2! This was a nice continuation. I wonder if you intended it to be two parts, originally? And if so, why you decided to break it up? If not, why you decided to continue? I'm curious. (o: I like picking authors' brains! Hehe.

Sequentially:
When Elphias asked after Aberforth though, Albus gave an uncharacteristic excuse, saying that his brother was much entangled with other business and that he’d not spoken to him in some time.

Nice. This sounds perfect for what Albus would say, given the situation, and his voice/tone. It sounds like it comes from the books, it's so cannon, in my opinion!

who just happen to be good friend’s

Plural: good friends

Elphias was in many ways, as unremarkable as white rice.

Haha! I love this line! (o:

Nor would they quickly forget the boy in Albus’s constant shadow. And Elphias was content with that, because he loved that shadow. Loved the man who caste the shadow.

Aww, oh dear! I love this. It says SO much, and says it in a different way, you know? But Elphias certainly adored Albus. Oh, and I believe 'caste' should be 'cast.' They have very different meanings. (o:

seven years of close quarter’s

Plural: close quarters. There are many instances of this, so please do watch your plurals/possessives. I don't think I marked them all down.

Love him for befriending a boy with dragon pock’s and loved him for his dear bookish ways. Loved Albus for never having openly acknowledged that love and loved him all the more for never having mocked it.

I think it should be: Loved* him for...with dragon pox* and loved... Aside from that, I love how Elphias appreciates the positive and negative aspects. And the last line? Beautiful. Just so, really, gorgeous. It's emotional and heavy, and tells us a lot about both characters. Maybe my favorite line/theme in the story. (o:

“Elphias,” Dumbledore began but Elphias shook his head and stood up shakily.

Just a thought - you use 'shook' and 'shakily' in the same line. It usually flows better not to repeat a word too close together. Maybe tremulously or something else? *shrug*

He felt a guilty flush, for having been away when Albus’s mother and sister died.

I like this line. It says a lot without saying it, mainly because we readers know what was really happening with the Dumbledores and understand more than Elphias does at this point. Or at least I think we do... Anyway, it just says so much more that what's actually there.

You don’t know what its like,

Should be: what it's like...

“I wanted it to be you though,” Elphias added suddenly. “I’ve always only ever wanted it to be you.”

Oh dear. My heart...! This boy. So brave to just blurt that out, too. I liked this part a lot.

He didn’t know why he’d never seen it before. Probably because he hadn’t wanted to and the sudden insight of knowledge hit Elphias low in the gut and high in the head.
Albus was in love with some one else, perhaps had been for a long time, even before Elphias had left for his Grand Tour. Elphias couldn’t guess as to who and was sure, he thought as he stepped back and the front door closed, that he never wanted to know.


Oh dear, again! This section was spectacular! Totally awesome. Heavy, meaningful, emotional. Cutting. And I like the very last tagline, so raw and intense, juxtaposed with all that love and softness. Really excellent job with this. (o:

...down the front walk and very gently open, and then closed, the front gate behind him. He paused a moment in the middle of the lane to pull out a cigarette and light it with the tip of his wand.

Should be: ...and very gently opened*, and then closed... Also, I like the detail of his wand lighting the cigarette. I've never seen that in fanfic before! (o:

He did not spare a backward glance for the cottage and so he did not see the front curtain part, or a pair of bright blue eyes, now all the more clear for their unshed tears, following Elphias as he walked down the way.

I'm so curious about this part. What do you believe Albus is feeling and thinking here? I confess I'm unsure. Is he thinking on how big Elphias's love for him is, and maybe at this moment Albus feels a lot of unlove toward himself? Feels unlovable and unworthy? Or does it involve his own feelings for Elphias? I'm curious what you, the author, think (or know). (o:

Anyway, nice work! I hope something I said helped. Remember that I am just one person, so please do take what is helpful, and throw out the rest. (o:

Author's Response: Hi, again. So to answer your questions...

First, I never met the story to be broken into two parts. Originaly it was a one-shot that I wanted to come in under about three-thousand words. But, the further I got into the story, it became very clear that there was just too much to do in one readable short, and for the sake of my readers (and plot tension, as it turned out) I split the story in two. Still, the divide seems to work and none of my readers have complained yet. *fingers crossed*

As for the second question, what's on Albus' mind. Honestly, I don't know... I remember writing the ending without the bit where Albus peers out the window. I saved the story, closed it out and walked away. Unfortunately I was plagued by this image of Albus parting the curtain with his hand, and watching as his old friend walked away. The image wouldn't leave me alone, and after about a day I went back and ajusted the ending, even though I didn't really understand the emotions behind the scene; was Albus regretful, relieved, sad or maybe even angry? The problem I kept encountering with the whole write was that Albus as a character was very remote, I couldn 't get a clear bead on his thoughts, which was great because since I was writing from Elphias' POV, he didn't know either, but as the author it kept me confused, and still does. Why Albus watched Elphias go I may never know...

Thanks again for another great review. Huggles.

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Review #7, by taylorj828 -Part A-

12th September 2009:
Hi, sorry for the delay again. But I'm here with your review. I'm very intrigued by the Albus/Elphias pairing. Honestly, I'd be interested to read any well written slash about Dumbledore. I don't mean sexyslashy stuff, just, you know, to see that side of Dumbledore exposed a bit more - his affection for some of the friends he once had, perhaps. And whether he muted that part of his life as he aged, or if he had anyone special, behind the scenes. Ah, but I'm rambling. I just like well told stories!

And this is interesting and intriguing. I like your vocabulary. There were some typos and things, though. So the next part will go sequentially through the text, what stood out to me.

First, I like the intro; it really draws the reader in. I liked the part about gathering truth from the wooden gate. Just watch your commas though. Sometimes I think you don't need the ones you have, other times you need them where you don't have them...

..as if it to were shocked at the state of things and hoped to gild the broken titles and crooked window shudders, the cracking facade and overgrown front yard into some former semblance of charm.

I think it should be, "as if it too* were..." And titles of what? Or do you mean tiles? And what about a comma after yard? Just sounded a bit off to my ears, that's all.

"Now he gave the front door a pert knock when he reached it..."

And also, this might just be me, but 'now' always sounds funny to me, when used in a past tense story. And I don't think it changes any of the meaning, or flow, or rhythm, to remove it. But of course that might just be a preference thing. (o:

"the air laden with a rain soaked sun."

A very concise but full description. I like it. (o:

...of sunny day’s spent walking by the lake...

Should be plural: sunny days... (no ownership)

of hours in chilled classroom’s

Again, plural: classrooms. (no ownership)

an familiar greeting and

Should be 'a familiar...' rather than 'an.' (o:

Oh, yes, the part where the two men hug? I found myself wondering for the first time, very curiously I might add, how Albus Dumbledore might hug. Especially as a younger fellow. Is it warm and full and enveloping? Or brief and distant? Or a sideways hug full of uncertainty? It wasn't necessarily something I thought needed to be added or anything. I just remember thinking, "I wonder...!" And your words started me on that train of thought. (o:

...gripping Elphias shoulder

Elphias needs ownership here. It should be either: Elphias's shoulder OR Elphias' shoulder. (As far as I can tell, both versions are accepted variants, but it should be consistent within the story, when used.)

Your travel’s have done you well

Plural, no ownership: Your travels* have done you well...

from the India border

Just wondering if this should maybe be 'the Indian border' or 'the border of India.' Unless, back in their day, this was the common way to say it...? Just curious...

how the old place carry’s on

It should be: ...how the old place carries* on...

I don’t stay here but on the weekend’s.

Plural, no ownership: on the weekends.

“Seem’s like they were

Should be: "Seems like they were..."

Oh, also, I noticed when you use names, you're lacking commas. When you point out someone, like: "My dear friend, Albus!" or "My neighbor, John, doesn't have a car," you should use a comma before and after the name, or if there is a final punctuation mark at the end (! ? or .) then just use a comma before the name... Maybe I'm telling you something you already know though. Er, sorry. *hides*

pooled between the two friend then

I think it should be: pooled between the two friends* then...

Elphias might come to know himself completely, pure without his secrecy and their friendship that were the drug to which Elphias had been so long addicted.

I really liked this part. I think it tells us a lot about Elphias, and his feelings or his struggle. Poor fella. Anyway, it's a lovely line, I really like it! (o:

Alrighty, that's the review for this part. Because the parts are fairly short, I think I might be able to go ahead and do the next one, too, while I'm here. (o: We'll see...! Please let me know if my reviews are ever too much, or if you would prefer for me to focus on some other aspects.

Author's Response: Hello again dear taylorj! What an amazing pair of reviews! I think you missed your calling as a beta, I mean really. You're always so on point and you catch all my little mistakes, it's amazing. Stuff I've looked at twice times over becomes clear and obvious when another pair of eyes look's at it, and I'm super excited to have your eyes all over this story.

Seeing everything you have to say here convinces me that I really need to take this piece down and do some serious clean-up on it. It's been a while since I've gone over it, and having a fresh perspective will be nice. Plus, all your specific examples and exerts make the job of clean-up ever so much easier;)

I want to thank you for your time and effort, I am sincerely grateful. Now, onto the next review...

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Review #8, by Lily Roselyn -Part B-

17th August 2009:
Oh dear, I see.

That's very sad, but beautiful, I think it's my new favorite fic. It seems real, too. Not prude, and not overdone, just beautiful.

Cheers.

Author's Response: ...just beautiful. I'll take it, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed another piece of mine, I always feel great knowing that someone's had a good time with my work. Thank you for the reviews deary!

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Review #9, by Lily Roselyn -Part A-

17th August 2009:
Ah! This is beautiful, really.

But Albus was involved with Gerwert, now wasn't he? Is he feeling guilty now? heehee.

I have to say, it's pretty weird trying to imagine a young, attractive Dumbledore...

This is fantastic, anyway, Cheers.

Author's Response: Hi again Rosie, I see you've found probably my singular favorite story here. I loved writing this piece and I've loved reading people's responses.

I think if Albus felt guilty, it was mostly because while he understood what Elpias felt, Al knew he could never return the feeling, because he was already in love with someone else -- bet you can guess who ;)

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Review #10, by LuckySeven -Part A-

26th June 2009:
Hello! LuckySeven has arrived. :) Sorry that it took so long. This is the third time I've read slash and I'd like to thank you because you've just proven, once and for all (in my eyes, at least) that the genre can be good, if it is written properly. My favourite parts:

"He grimaced. For all the undeniable talent Albus Dumbledore possessed, he never could brew a decent cup of tea."
-This and the part about Elphias saying, 'as long as you're not doing the cooking', were my favorite because you gave Dumbledore a flaw. Nobody is perfect, the flaws make us real. And Elphias's acceptance (and amusement at?) of this flaw proves how much he cares about Albus.

"He had hoped though, hoped that the many months spent on his tour would cure him of an infatuation that had been born the moment his school companion and he had first met. He had let him self believe that once free from the soft dark of Dumbledore’s shadow, Elphias might come to know himself completely, pure without his secrecy and their friendship that were the drug to which Elphias had been so long addicted."
-Well said! You are a very talented writer. I'm very impressed with the way you've managed to keep this cannon and make it work! It's just awesome. The way you write this paragraph is beautiful, and it makes it all but impossible for the reader to say, 'well that was nice, I'm done now.' You just have no choice but to keep reading.

So, your area of concern was 'anything glaring.' I'll assume that means you want the basic package. ;)
Grammar: Excellent! I love it when I don't notice spelling errors and typos. It either means that I need a nap, or I've been presented with a good piece of writing. (In your case, it's the ladder) Though, I'm just a high school student, so my opinion on your grammar is...high school level. hehe
Characterization: Awesome. Amazing, wonderful, stupendous. You get the idea. I can't write Dumbledore stories. It's too hard! You just pulled it off and made it look easy. Congratulations! *confetti falls on your head.*
Flow: Excellent! You make it seem entirely natural to keep reading.

So, that's it. :) I have officially covered every inch of your awesomeness. Please return to my review thread so that I can rinse and repeat!! (don't know where the hair-washing metaphor came from, but I'll roll with it.) Thanks for the lovely chapter and come see me again!
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day!,
~Lucky
10/10 (If that rating surprised you, I'll have to revoke your confetti!) *wink*

Author's Response: Lucky, thank you for such an amazing and thorough review! Its hard getting people to read this story but its so good that its worth reading and I'm glad you agree :)

I will gleefully take the confetti (woohoo, confetti!) and the compliments which of course made me blush, hehe.

I really loved writing this story and I think that shows in the work. The characters seemed so alive and wonderful and fragile, I was sad by the time I came to the of it.

I also wanted to write a good piece of slash. This was my first attempt and I consider it to be very successful. I think that any genre handled with care, respect and a smidgen of talent can prove people's preconceptions wrong. I'm so excited you liked this piece.

I can't wait to get back to your thread for another request, thank you yet again for such a great yummy review!

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Review #11, by SayaEvange -Part B-

9th June 2009:
It was his eyes, Doge has decided. Elphias Doge walked down the front walk and very gently open. I noticed that you used the wrong tense in these two sentences and a couple others. Other than that I didn't find anything wrong. Great job! You're an excellent writer. Let me know if you ever want me to review something again. :)

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, you're totally right about the tense! No one's ever pointed that out before and I am way too close to the work, I'd never see it. I'll go through and clean that up, thanks.

I really appreciate the reviews, maybe I'll drop by your thread again!

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Review #12, by SayaEvange -Part A-

9th June 2009:
That was really good! I didn't see any mistakes. The pacing was a little slow for me, but that's mostly a preference thing. I like your writing style. It's obvious that you've had a lot of practice. Great job! Keep it up. :)

Author's Response: Thanks Saya! I have had a lot of practice writing, I've been doing it since I was 15 years old! Fan fiction had really given me the opportunity to expand my work and experience and all that I've learned definitely shows up in my original work.

I've never thought the pacing was slow but I suppose it is. I knew I was going to need to really anchor the scene so I took my time on description and the like.

Thanks for the review!
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Review #13, by Wierdy -Part A-

9th June 2009:
Ha, that last part made me smile.

So what exactly is their relationsip? Oh wait, just realized this was slash, so DUH! lol I love your characterization of Dumbledore, and Elphias. I would love to see their relationship progress.

Although I'm already getting the hint that they have a past. lol

No noticeable mistakes, good writing flow.

All in all I give this a 10

xoxo
Allie

Author's Response: Thank you for the review Allie! Yes, this is a slash story between Doge and Albus. It is definitely one-sided which makes the story so very nicely angsty!

I'm thrilled you gave this part a read, thank you so very much!

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Review #14, by scarlett nixon -Part B-

16th March 2009:
I'm not a big fan of slash, but there's something really artful in the way you wrote this. So props to you! I liked it, along with your writing style. Very beautifully written.


ps. I don't know if it was you who asked for an update on the Snape and daughter story, but for what it's worth I have a revised chapter if you're interested. (I changed the story title and everything, just to avoid confusion)

Author's Response: Hi S.N, thanks for the review. I know slash can be a touchy subject for a lot of people but I really believe my slash breaks the bank. I write it from a mature standp point and I do something different with it. I guess that's what makes it good.

On the sidebar, I might have asked for an up-date. I'll check out your story, see if it rings a mental bell. Thanks for letting me know.

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Review #15, by Misty_Rey -Part B-

8th February 2009:
In spite of my dislike of slash, I actually found the love between Doge and Dumbledore quite interesting. You handled it tastefully and it was subtle, rather than force-fed to the reader. I liked that his love at its core is devotion rather than lust, which would have turned me off. There was lust, yes, but it was fleeting and ended as quickly as it began, which is more realistic. Doge's love really was, pardon the pun, like a dog's, one of complete and utter affection and adoration. It felt sweet and endearing and fitted with what we know of in canon. It was a nice touch at the end to hint that Dumbledore's heart in fact belonged to another and that Doge didn't know and didn't want to know. This was a really good one-shot, I enjoyed reading it. =)

~Misty

Author's Response: Eepp, happiness! I'm so glad you liked this story. You're totally right about Doge, his need for Dumbledore is deeply seeded in his absolutely loyalty, he's almost blind when it comes to Albus, his love doesn't let him see much beyond was is imediately obvious.

I also wanted to keep the story canon-mirrored. The bit with Grindlewauld (god, is that how you spell it?) needed to be there because I've always felt that Dumbledore is a man with a scarred heart, and it was that wizard that did it. Poor Doge, didn't really know, nor did he want too.

So yay, you liked it, I'm really pleased. Thanks for risking the read, your reviews made my evening!

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Review #16, by Misty_Rey -Part A-

8th February 2009:
Well, I was intruiged by the premise of the story so, despite the slash warning, I decided to give this a go. I'm glad I did. =)

The imagery you weaved at the beginning was beautiful, as were your word choices, painting the mundane with such elegance. You were careful not to go overboard and this was a good call as the brief descriptions really enhanced the story. You've set up a wonderful atmosphere, the easy-going banter between old friends. It had a natural flow to it, making it very enjoyable to read. Both men shone through their dialogue, you did a great job with their conversation. While the words were casual, one could feel the slight awkwardness of friends who haven't seen each other for a long time. Very good opening chapter.

~Misty

Author's Response: Hi Misty, I'm so thrilled you chanced this story. Its one of my favorites and I love it when readers respond well to it!

I tried to keep things realistic, despite the setting. Plus, characterizing a younger Dumbledore was not easy, extra care need to be taken there. I'm glad it was worth it.

Thank you for a lovely review, I really appreciate it!

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Review #17, by Georgia Weasley -Part B-

3rd February 2009:
The tension between them is done beautifully. The way Elphias feels about Albus is so sweet and so deep. If, perhaps, Albus had allowed himself to feel that way for Doge instead of Grindelwald, what might have been? Elphias's resolve to walk away and still be his friend was poignant. And again, the details and imagery are staggering. There are so many lines that just resounded in me that I can't begin to name them, and there aren't enough words to tell you how good this is. Excellent job.

Author's Response: OOh, what a fabulous review, thanks G.W! I wondered before what might happen if Doge and Dumbledore were set together. Perhaps Albus might have been a happier man.

I'm thrilled you liked the story, its such a great boost to have a reader so thoroughly appreciate a work that is near and dear to me. Thanks!

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Review #18, by Georgia Weasley -Part A-

3rd February 2009:
The details and imagery in this were simply gorgeous. You're really quite talented, and I hate to think you may be done with fanfic. Though, to see what your original work is like would be fantastic. I especially enjoyed the little parts he included from his trip, and the character you infused into them both. The hope in Doge, and the diappointment to find that his voyage had not rid him of the infatuation with his friend, were so well done. You have such a way with words; you painted a picture of the house and gate in my mind, and an atmosphere of emptiness in Albus and the cottage. Very well done.

Author's Response: I'm very excited to see that you picked up on the atmosphere, that's half the story right there! And I tried really hard to keep an authentic feel for Doge's Tour, I wanted him to see all these wonderful things but still long for Albus.

Thank you for such a fantastic review, you've really made my day!

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Review #19, by datbenik513 -Part B-

2nd February 2009:
Hi from the forums,

I need to admit I was never a fan of slash pairings. With that said, I must admit you did a pretty darn good job with just about every aspect of the story.
I especially loved the descriptive parts, which were literate, almost lyrical. And, not less important, you managed to capture the very essence of your characters.
I guess a nine is well deserved.

Cheers,

Zoltan

Author's Response: A nine, woot! I'll take it. And thanks for risking a slash, I know its not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm pleased the work stood out beyonf the pairing.

I really enjoyed writing this piece so I really enjoy it when readers come away from it pleased. Thanks for a delicious review!

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Review #20, by marinahill -Part B-

21st January 2009:
Hi, here to review as promised. Sorry about the delay :)

I've a mixed view on this fic. I'll be honest and say I've never dared read slash where dumbledore's concerned, but I think you handled it suitably. Put it this way, you haven't put me off reading more about him!

My overall impression is that this fic is genious. Not only is it really original, but it's sparked all sorts of ideas in my head! Of course Doge like Dumbledore, it just makes so much sense. Or at least, you wrote both him and dumbledore so realistically that it seems canon. You've done such a brilliant job! Every word could hand been written by JKR herself, and I can't give you much higher praise than that.

What struck me as particularly good was that the story had Doge written all over it, hidden in the words and letters. The thing is, my visions of both dumbledore and doge are of old men, so I'm amazed at how you were able to write them both so well at that time of their lives. I'd forgotten dumbledore didn't always have grey hair! That quite shocked me actually XD

Really marvelous job on this, and I'm glad you requested :)

Author's Response: As good as JK? Holy clover, now that's some kind of compliment! Thank you so much!

I love this story. It happened really fast, just came pouring out of me and I got it done in about three days. I was surprised as how the story was so instantly with me, and instantly written, it hardly felt like I wrote it at all, which just confirms in my mind that some stories need to be written!

I'm thrilled that this got you seeing Doge and Dumbledore in a different kind of light. You're totally right about the gray hair thing, though honestly the thought that some one might be stuck on the older image of both Doge and Dumbledore never really occurred to me, so go figure :)~

Eitherway, thank you for the lovely review, you've totally made my night!

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Review #21, by dramaqueen6 -Part A-

11th December 2008:
Hello, here's my review!

Anyway, I really liked this first chapter. The writing was magnificently done; the sentance structure was good, and the flow was beautifully done.

One question though: Did Elphias just come back from the trip that Dumbledore was going to take with him, after graduation? Or is this later?

But anyway, I really did like it. I haven't read the next chapter so I don't know if you have or not, but I think there should be a bit more detail about their relationship in school, and Elphias feeling overshadowed. Just to explain more than what was. But without it, it's fine.

So, great first chapter! The character of Dumbledore was portrayed really well.

-dramaqueen6

Author's Response: Thank you lots for the review.

Yes, you're right about the trip. Rmember that Albus was suppose to take a Grand Tour but he doesn't cause his sister dies. That's the trip Elphais does take, and this happens just after he gets back.

I'm glad you enjoyed the first part, this is a favorite write of mine, I get a kick when other people like it too.

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Review #22, by lia_2390 -Part B-

9th December 2008:
Hey Blissbug, it's Lia from the forums with the review you requested.

I really liked this, though I don't really read slash but I love minor pairings and what drew me in were Elphias' racing thoughts as he hesitated at the gate. I thought it was a good interpretation of someone else's view of Albus Dumbledore after his sister's death.

From the way you had Elphias describe things, it made me wonder if anyone else knew that they were more than just friends. The tension between them was thick, and at times it seemed so awkward, especially after the kiss in this part. I was like "No, why are you walking away!"

I felt sorry for him in the end, actually for both of them. There could be several reasons why Dumbledore so subtly rejected him, somehow, his unshed tears mean to me that he had no choice but to let him go. As for poor Elphias, he'd never really know and he didn't even turn around as he was walking away...why was that?

You had asked me about pace and I thought it was fine, the kiss seemed to have come in the right place. As I mentioned earlier, the setting suited it...right after the death of his sister and the fact that he seems to be avoiding any mention of the incident leaves an air of mystery about him.

This line was funny, I laughed out so hard - "Elphias loved Albus. Loved him for his inability to make tea..."


I think you did a good job with this. =]
Lia

Author's Response: Thank's so much for the great review Lia, I really appreciate it!

I really wanted the tension thick, but enjoyably so. I wanted the reader to the feel that pleasant building need from Elphias while also recognizing that nothing could come of it.

I tried to get across the point that the reason Albus turned Elphias away was because Dumbledore was still in love with Grindlewald (is that spelled right?). I don't know if many readers made the connection there, but that was the reason ;)

Thanks again for a lovely review!
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Review #23, by Savangel -Part B-

3rd December 2008:
The apostrophe problem shows up a few more times and I'd take another look at the hads in this one too, but for the most part you're in the clear when it comes to technical problems. One very small thing that bothered me for some reason was the line "Albus shifted – not – to Elphias’s surprise, away from him but into him, a movement born of instinct." For clarity's sake, I would add another dash after "surprise."

I really enjoyed your description and characterization! The ending was beautiful. I really liked the story as a whole, as well. I was just rereading DH last night and it kept reminding me about this. It really just seemed to fit! Great work, and by the way, I would be very pleased if you returned to request more reviews. :)

Good job.

Author's Response: OOhhh, happiness, thank you, I'm really thrilled you liked this story, it's one near and dear to my heart!

I am definitely gonna go back through and do a edit read, and its funny you picked at that one line, since I struggled with it myself. I still feel like it doesn't move just right yet, but I'll get there!

Thank you once again for a lovely review, I can't wait til you've got another opening, I think I'll throw my Sev' story your way :)

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Review #24, by Savangel -Part A-

2nd December 2008:
I'll confess that this is the very first Dumbledore story that I have ever read, but yours really makes me wonder what I've been missing. I do have a few suggestions to make, but two out of three are purely grammar related.

The first is the use of the word "had." Not that you ever used it improperly or anything, but sometimes just because something is technically correct doesn't make it the best choice for the story. Even in the third paragraph, it really isn't necessary and "had" tends to break up the flow and slow down the story wherever it is. I would go with only one or even no had in this paragraph. "Before he had gone (before he left), Elphias knew this place to be, etc. He often heard the chortle, etc." Most readers don't really need the had to realize that you're speaking in what I like to call the double-past tense. However, some of the other times that you used it, you weren't even speaking of the double-past, therefore it really should be, "'I wanted to come back,'" and "'I always hoped you'd go your own.'"

The second is mostly just an observation. You have a couple spelling issues here and there, but the only recurring problem is your use of apostrophes. In the seventh paragraph, "day's" should be "days" and "classroom's" should be "classrooms" and those aren't the only two places, so I would give it a readthrough to find the rest. Apostrophes are only used to show possession and for contractions, so unless you mean "the classroom is" or "the something which belonged to the classroom," you shouldn't use one.

The third is more of a question. Why does it say "the man he loved as a friend" when it certainly seems to be hinting at something quite a bit more? There could easily be a very good reason behind this, I just don't know it yet. ;)

Finally I would like to say that although the entire thing was very well handled, my favorite part was easily:

'"When did you take to wearing glassed Albus?" he asked, setting his cup aside.

"I'm...not entirely sure," replied the young wizard with a grin. "Seem's like they were just there one day. When did you take to smoking?"'

It wouldn't make sense for nothing at all to have changed since the two last met and it gives another meaning to Elphias' later line, "He had known, the moment he touched that front gate, that no amount of distance, or time or terrible circumstance would change a thing," as though that might just be wishful thinking on his part. Of course, if I've got that wrong, just correct and ignore, and as always, feel free to disregard any suggestion I make.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Savangel, thank you for such a wonderful and thorough review. This is by far the best feed back I've gotten on this story (I had it posted in the past, then took it down and you're my first review since putting it up again).

You're completely right about the 'had' issues. I remember wanting a distinct kind of phrasing for Elphias, and since most of my character writing comes organically, I never even thought to question the appropriateness of all his 'hads.' I'm going to go back though, and do a complete technical read through, to fix the above mentioned, and tackle those apostrophes (I do believe apostrophes and comma's to be regular nemesis of mine).

You're totally correct in the scene with the glasses, I did want to show that things had changed, but I didn't want to make it blatant.

Thank you for such a fantastic review, I hope you'll take it as a compliment if I come back to your thread and as for a review on other work!

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