Reading Reviews for Finding Selena Kelly
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Not Bob At the Mall!

18th June 2010:
Well, I have a lot to say in this review, so I'm going to get right to it!

Well, there were quite a few things about this story that were just so confusing that it made it hard to really get into the story. I tend to have this problem of whenever I run into a story hiccup (be it inconsistancies with the plot or dialogue that seems off), I find myself questioning it so much that I cannot really focus on or enjoy the story. But the truth is, almost everyone tends to have this problem. It's just that everyone has a different threshhold under which this occurs. Some, it can just be different spellings of an obscurly mentioned place, while others won't be bothered until a random munchkin hops out of a well and starts singing Lady Gaga.

Some of the these such things in this story were as follows:

1. The music choice: The Marauders went to school in the 70s, so it would completely defies the laws of physics that Avril Lavigne would be playing over the loudspeaker at the mall. (In addition to the fact that loudspeaker was not yet in common use for broadcasting music in the 1970's. Also the fact that Selna believes she could possibly date a member of Fall Out Boy also makes no since, considering the story takes place two or three years before he is even born.

2. Why would a family of wizards even go to a Muggle mall? I'm sure that they would not sell robes and other wizard clothing, and that coming from pureblood families, the idea of wearing jans and t-shirts to a party would be just as foriegn if you were to wear robes to a summer bash. No boys would be talking to you then.

3. You never tell us exactly what Selena is famous for: is she a singer, an actor, a model? Or is she just like Paris Hilton who is famous for no apparent reason, except fr her family, and considering her background and her thoughts during the interview, probably not.

4. You mentioned that Selena's father left when she was just a baby. I assume he is the wizard from whom Selena gets her magical powers. And also that Faye is her father's sister. What I wonder is that if Selena does not even know her father or know where he is, how can she be as close as she is to her father's family?

5. Jessie Potter: adding OCs can be a lot of fun, and can really add a lot to a fanfiction, but I am at a loss to figure out what purpose Jessie really serves. For the time being, she just seems like she is there to add another body to the girls' side in this story. Maybe you have plans for her later in the story, but for the time being, she doesn't seem to have a real purpose, and characters with no purpose just weigh the story down.

There are a great many ways that you can fix the various mistakes in this story however. I feel like the greatest way to improve this story would be to make it more believeble that this story takes place in the 70's. And luckily, since we live in the Internet age, this can be as simple as typing 'things people had in the 70s' into a search engine. The same can be said with adding 'musicians', 'technology', and 'clothes'.

Also, I would consider how this story fits in with the Potterverse. In this story, so far, I have seen absolutly no evidence that magic even exists. I know that Selena has mentioned that she and her family are wizards, but so far, I have yet to see anyone use their wands, say any spells, and they all seem to live their lives very much like Muggles would. We know from reading about the Weasley household that wizarding homes have very little in common with Muggle ones. And also, with James and Sirius being both from pureblood families, they would have no idea who Muggle celebrities would be (especially thirty years before they became famous), and they would probably also feel very uncomfortable in a Muggle mall, and while it might be possible that they would go to explore in the mall, but they certainly wouldn't want to go shopping for clothes there.

Greatly consider how you can add more of the magic that J.K. has created into your story. After all, that is the very reason we read the Harry Potter books, and, by extention, Harry Potter fanfiction.

There are also quite a few grammar mistakes, but I feel like the issues above will be much more relevent for writing a better story for the time being.

This story might have the potential to be truly great, but first I think you need to do a serious revamp of the entire story.

Author's Response: Thank you for that-I'll try and clear things up as possible. In the next chapters, hopefully there will be more magic, but as they're all still underage (until the birthdays) they can't really use magic. I understand that the marauders were in the 70s, but for this story's sake, it has been moved to now.

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Review #2, by Nice Troll... At the Mall!

11th June 2010:
Bwahahahaha! What an ingenious troll, sockpuppet. It almost made me spray cola all over my keyboard

Author's Response: thank you :)

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Review #3, by Jenny At the Mall!

24th April 2010:
So far it is a great story. The only thing that I would change about it is to put more stuff with Sirius and her and the rest of the marauders. Can't wait to read more. Update soon! :)

Author's Response: Good idea-i'll def try 2 add more in the nxt chap! thanx 4 the suggestion!

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Review #4, by naflower05 At the Mall!

23rd April 2010:
good story so far! looking forward to more! update soon!! =]

Author's Response: thanks-i'll try and update soon!

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Review #5, by xMessyEyelinerx At the Mall!

16th May 2009:
This is a very good start, there were a few problems with grammar but apart from that you did very well.
Please update, i'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Author's Response: thanks!!! i hope 2 update soon!

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Review #6, by marauders lover At the Mall!

3rd April 2009:
wow wat an awesome time they all had! i bet james and jess luv havin a cuzin lyk selena!cant wait for the next 1 plzz write more and soon! 10/10

Author's Response: thanxs so much ya i'd luv 2 have a cousin like her 2
i'll try 2 write more soon! thanx


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Review #7, by Moonlight Magic BFs, Biting People, and Wows.

7th January 2009:
I like where you're going with this! Update soon!

Author's Response: thanxs
yeah i'm 1/3 through the next chapter
hope to finish it by next week!


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Review #8, by rupertgrintislove BFs, Biting People, and Wows.

9th November 2008:
Love this chapter, also I adore this plot. Please continue.
Keep it up.

-rupertgrintislove

Author's Response: thanks i hope 2 update soon!

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