i loved the story but it did end abruptly. Report Review
This makes me so sad! But it is so wonderfully written. Fantastic job.Author's Response: AWW I know, thank you for reviewing. Report Review
In this chapter you may want to take out some of the excessive spacing at the end. Though it was a short story, it was still good. I like how you took the initiative to write the story from and angle that is rarely seen. Good Job and keep on writing. The more you write, the more practiced you will become :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. Report Review
The story is moving a long well. Glad to see that this chapter was a bit longer. I like how you are putting so much emotion into your characters.
Again, I found some things you may want to fix:
Captain Joe gave a low whistle and head coach Martin shook his [*remove spaces] head.
But to never see Rose Weasly agin [again]?
It wasn’t his fault that his [*remove spaces] family had supported the dark lord ...
... the others that he had only [*remove spaces] seen in the many dusty painting ...
... Christmas." Al [*remove spaces] gave a wary smile.
... made Scorpius smile but not quit [quite], and after [*remove spaces] awhile he resumed his melancholy state ...
Anyhoot ... great job!!Author's Response: The story is in validation to fix these problems. Thank you. Report Review
Wow ... a self-less Malfoy. Who'd a thought? I like the way you characterize each of characters in the story. I also like how you made the next generation characters actually post hogwarts for them as well, it gives a new perspective ;)
This chapter seemed a bit short ... but I only caught a couple of oops-es:
"Oh they’re really quite sweet," she chuckled ["]unless they see something shiny."
... even mor,e [more,] as she thought about how much the little crup had always liked him.
Other than that ... great job :) I am off to chapter 4.Author's Response: I am sorry that it was short. I didn't want to over due this scene, but I felt that it desrerved a psecial place of it's own. Report Review
Good Job ... another great chapter. Glad to read that someone finally gave Lucius what he deserved after all that he had done.
I saw a couple of grammar errors you may want to correct:
'... in truth they would have been much better of [off] it had been.'
'The names of death eaters and there [their] victims.'
This seemed a bit short, but the information seemed to make up for that. Keep up the good work :)Author's Response: I promist toget a beta next time. Thanks for telling me about these things. Report Review
This sounds like the beginning of a cute story. I especially liked the threats between siblings/cousins, it makes the relationship seem more realistic. This flowed real well and seemed well written. Keep up the good work :)Author's Response: Thank you. I love big families, they are just so much fun. Report Review
For some reason the story changed into italics in the middle of the chapter, so you might want to go back and fix that, it has happened to me before as well, something when you copy and paste.
It was a short chapter, but I like how you show his pain and dont just tell us about it. very nicely done, and the rose boxes at the windows was a nice image to leave off for that chapter.
You have a nice beginning to a story here and you should continue working on it :) Hope that these reviews helped, thanks for asking.Author's Response: thank you so much your great at reviews. Report Review
You captured Scorpius' pain really well, and I especially liked the line "It just wasn’t his to make up for, you can't right a sin that isn't yours." Very nicely worded and really displays the trials that he would have to face being a Malfoy in the post war era and especially dealing with Ron.
Your paragraphs in this are off and sometimes split into a new paragraph in the middle of a sentence and there is a moment where you are missing Quotes around a quote. Just thought I would let you know about those, it makes reading it a little more difficult, and this is a good chapter and you don't want that to be a distraction. :)Author's Response: I had a problem when I transferes the story from word the paragraphs are being fixed. Report Review
Aw, poor Scorpius. I really liked the last paragraph where you described how Scorpius had wanted her, very nicely done and it was a bit heartwrenching.
I am surprised that he wasnt able to recognixe the niffler right away, but maybe Care of Magical Creatures wasn't his best subject :) Funny little gift for Lily to bring, I like it.
A sweet chapter, you might want to make them a little bit longer, but that is just a personal preference.Author's Response: I thought that if I ever do a story about Rose's adventures in Egypt that a niffler may come in handy.
I know I really am trying to work on making longer chapters. It's just not as easy as it sounds. Report Review
Me again, still some grammatical errors, and there is moment where you end the sentence without finishing it. A little bit more editing would help. The dialogue seems pretty good, just needs some polishing up. I like how you add descriptions in between so it is not just straight talking.
There is the moment where you have Rose thinking that she would never be able to marry a Malfoy, but wouldn't date be better as they have not even started dating, it seems like you skipped a step there and went straight for the marrying card.
I would like to see Scorpius again soon, and I like how Lucius is going insane, that is a new one as well.Author's Response: This chapter is currently at the validator for that. Sorry.
I wanted Rose to be afraid of dating Scorpius because of where it might lead her in the future. Report Review
Hi there, it's me from the forum. There are some grammatical errors, nothing too awful, but you might either want to read through it or get a beta to do so. I also noticed that after the first part where Rose is getting a letter you do not have any divider to indicate that time has passed and they are now in a new location. Maybe the line or a couple of *** will do the trick so that it isn't as confusing when it suddenly jumps to the ice cream parlor.
I think that you have Hugo saying Oi a bit too much, I always thought of it as a quick way to get attention or a response to something gross and not something that would continue throughout the conversation.
Also the line where Rose is stuttering and saying ew doesn't really seem to fit, I am not sure what she is getting all ewwey about (is that a word?).
I think though that so far it sounds like it could be a nice story, I have yet to read a next gen fic that didn't have them still at Hogwarts, so this will be a nice change.Author's Response: I really dislike writing dialouge, it's somthing that I am working on. I will try to fix it though. Thanks I feel that Hogwarts is maybe being a bit over done. Everyone has to grow up sometime. Report Review
hello, sorry this took so long! i've decided to put it all in one review here, so it's not all mixed up, lol.
there were quite a few grammar errors throughout the whole thing, but it is readable. if you want help with that, you can PM me on the forums. i'd love to help with any future stories, this one was quite good.
i, personally, loved how you ended it without telling how things all worked out. part of me feels like scorpius is going to go find rose, and be all romantic and such. then again, he really is dedicated to his family, as much as he doesn't like it.
this deffinately sets up for a possible sequel :DAuthor's Response: thank you so much. I am not sure about a sequel. But I may do a prequel, about how Albus and Scorpius met. Report Review
great second chapter. you should keep writingAuthor's Response: Thank you so much the story is finished and the next chapter chould be validated soon. Report Review
Great chapter. Although it isn't that clear how old they all are. It was a great beginig though.Author's Response: Thank you. I feel terrible that I wasn't more specific, this is set at least the year after Lily Potter leaves Hogwarts. Thank you so much for pointing that out to me. Report Review
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