First thing first I have to say I really love your banner and your chapter image. You are very briliant in descriptive writing. Which I know is a very weird thing to say but I absolutely suck at it so I appreciate and admire writers who are able to write descriptive. I also am a hardcore Bellatrix/Rodolphus shipper but when I was finished reading your story I really thought a Rodolphus/OC or Rodolphus/Canon character could work. I feel so sorry for Francizka. The end was beautiful but it really sucked for her. I also want to say I will put this story in my favourite list.
Cleopatra Report Review
This is a beatiful and very sad story. My heart aches for poor Franciszka (lovely name, by the way) and how she let herself be blinded by Rodolphus.
You're writing is very smooth, and it flows together quite nicely. I didn't spot any grammar or spelling mistakes, and nothing sounded choppy to me. In fact, you place sentences together in an almost musical flow.
I really, really enjoyed this and would very much like for you to re-request upon updates. =) Report Review
Ooh, I'm so excited with this new story of yours! You have quite a knack for writing those purebloods perfectly. Report Review
Hi! I have been seeing your name over and over again because of your fame in doing graphics, but wow, now I find out that you're a great writer as well! I love the atmosphere to this story -- it really feels like I'm going back in time and viewing a sixties movie! I can just imagine the whole scene where Franciszka was sitting in front of that mirror! I really love the way you've described the intensity of her love for him and the sensual descriptions you've employed are just right, not over the top, but just right.
What a great idea to write a story about the Lestranges from the point of view of his mistress! A story like this really had the potential to be tacky but yours is definitely upper class! Well done! Report Review
Hi, this is maraudersmap from the forum. :)
Although I'm a little confused about where the characters will go from here, I really liked it. The breathtaking descriptions, vivid images and realistic dialogue are only a few of the things that make your writing so captivating. I could see, smell, feel and almost taste the room you described.
You portray two imperfect persons perfectly, with a lot of emotion. It was not too melodramatic, however, which was great. You wrote of her love for him and the reasons she loved him beautifully, and even though I knew that it would end badly, I couldn't blame her.
Even though Rodolphus is a canon character, we don't get to know that much about him in canon. You've done a great job at making him realistic, and I could easily understand her fascination. I can't wait to see how you portray Bella, as she's one of the most interesting characters in the HP universe. :) I didn't quite grasp Franciszka's character though, but I suppose that's because it's only the first chapter.
I especially loved the ending: How she wanted to see him; how he reacted; how she found out that he was in love with Bellatrix... It's most certainly an intriguig plot. It is unique and original without being random. This could easily have happened, after all.
At first I was rather confused, with the dialogue in italics and all, but I understood as I kept reading. Overall, I think you've done a wonderful job. :) Report Review
Well, this going to be really rambly and random because NaNo break-time is nearly over, so I'm reviewing on borrowed time!
Nitpicks: I spotted one missing comma, but I lost it somehow when I went to copy/paste it down here. :P This was very mechanically sound nonetheless! One comma out of that entire long chapter is impressive...
"They were all emotionally deaf. "
Wow. That line there really blew me away and made me think!
Okay... moving on to the real review...
First, I think this is a very interesting plot. Second, I just realised what it is that I love most about your writing (it was almost too close to call, though!) is your amazing imagery. I love it. Report Review
Hi there :) I'm here to do a review for you.
First things first... Might wanna consider rewording this sentence.
ex)...with their high heels and fragile straps which curled around her ankle so elegantly whenever she walked.
By adjusting the wording just a little, the sentence flows better...
ex)...with their high heels and THE fragile straps which curled around her ankle so elegantly whenever she walked.
I'm impressed by the depth of your description. I find the imagery to be striking and careful. Oddly enough though, I don't find a lot of emotion in it. As I read I can feel you reaching for emotion, but it's not quite ringing through. For example, you've written:
ex)She ran towards the door, opened it with a brusque movement and emerged into the hallway from where she barged into the dark bathroom. The water began running from the tap as she washed her fingers and palms with a bar of soap that she had taken from the cupboard. She rubbed them so hard that at one point, she could not feel them anymore. They were numb.
I think I know what you're trying to achieve here: the red represents what she wants, and what she's lost, and by trying to get the red off her hands, she's trying to rid herself of what wants and has lost. I wonder though, if the scene might go better by emphasizing that the lipstick WON'T come off, because some things stain you forever. So a change up in the paragraph might read:
ex)She ran towards the door, opened it with a brusque movement and emerged into the hallway from where she barged into the dark bathroom. The water began running from the tap as she DESPERATELY washed her fingers and palms with a bar of soap that she had GRABBED from the cupboard. She rubbed them so hard, THE RED WAS IN THE CREASES OF HER PALM, IN THE BED OF HER NAILS. SHE SCRUBBED, SO ROUGHLY that at one point, she could not feel them anymore. They were numb: AND THE RED WAS STILL THERE.
I'm particularly impressed by this paragraph. In it I feel like you're not trying so hard, you're just letting the character speak.
ex)It was as if he blew air into her lungs, pumped blood into her heart and stimulated her to live. He held all the answers and knew all the questions that she had never dared to ask. Looking back now, Franciszka could not even remember a single event before Rodolphus had stormed into her life, bringing along cloudy skies and starry nights. There were no memories to help her move on, no flashes of a past existence to show her that despite his absence there is still life after all this pain. Could she die of a blue heart, as she had read in those fairytales books when she was little? Could her heart suddenly stop by merely trying to imagine life without Rodolphus’ presence?
This sentence is great! It sets up the whole stage for the following scene, the emotional tug-of-war, the finality of it all. Love it!
ex)The gate opened with a loud creaking and as he slammed it forcefully
I'd just cut out a portion of this sentence. Because the physical gesture already indicates the emotional responce, its not necessary to restate it.
ex)She covered her mouth with her sweating palm in an attempt to muffle out the shock she had just received. She backed down slightly, still unable to believe her own ears. When had Rodolphus began defending Bellatrix Black? When had he allowed himself to nurture something for her?
It could look like:
ex)She covered her mouth with her sweating palm in an. She backed down slightly, still unable to believe her own ears. When had Rodolphus began defending Bellatrix Black? When had he allowed himself to nurture something for her?
You asked about characterization. I would make your male-main's actual verbal responces toward the end more subtle. I don't see him shouting, I see him sniggering, answering softly.
As for your female-main, really well done. Lots of good description, the pov is handled very smartly. I liked her desperateness.
I saw no grammer stuff, this was a good read!
8/10 Report Review
Merciful God!!! This is, without a doubt, my sweet, talented story, the best chapter you have ever written and posted! You left me breathless, and I can't believe that this is truly dedicated to me! God's been kind to me these days...
THIS IS AMAZING!
Let me start by showing the passages that I loved most:
"Upon spotting him in the garden, she threw herself on the fence that delineated the property, holding tight to the bars that kept her away from running into his arms and showering him with kisses and tenderness. She reached out a hand from between the cold bars in a feeble attempt to get to him. But he was so far now. So far and yet so close…"
This, my dear, was one of the most beautiful scenes I have ever read. So much sadness... The fragility of Franciszka it just breaks our hearts, because many of us know how it feels to reach for something you can never claim as your own. This was the most beautiful scene you have ever wrote.
And then, the end... Your characters were described so vividly, that I had no problem picturing them. And the banner it's perfect! The end it's so unexpected, but so well fit... I simply can not find the words to describe it.
And the scene where she writes on the mirror suing hr lipstick, that was one of the utmost delicacy. I am simply in love with your characters, and this story is so much more than a simple fanfiction!
Love, fragility, desire, control, loss. This words characterize your story best!
Thank you once again for dedicating this to me, you are, as always, simply amazing! Report Review
I'm here from the forums!
This is a new idea for me! :) The flow was smooth, no bumps or anything. The grammar was okay, just that sometimes you changed from past tense to present- it wasn't that big though. :D
Good job, and I liked the ending. ^^ Report Review
Whew! What a gut wrenching experience. I didn't see any glaring grammar issues, besides the word "evilness". I don't think that is a word, just use the word evil in it's place. Other than that, it was fine in that respect.
The flow was a little slow in the beginning, but it needed to have the emotions in place for us to understand her later. I really am impressed by the emotional imagery you used. The metaphor comparing Rodolphus to a cave was spectacular.
This is a very sad, but well written beginning of a story. Well done. Report Review
Hey there, I'm here from the forums!
This is a wonderfully unique premise for a story, to have the mistress jealous of the wife. It's usually the other way around.
Your grammar is great! I don't think I saw a single grammar mistake--maybe a few misplaced commas, but that's all. Your word choice in your descriptive passages creates amazing imagery, too. Especially in the beginning, I could definitely picture the room, the window, the mirror, the moon, everything.
One thing I noticed is that sometimes, in an attempt to be elaborate, you use words that don't quite convey what you want them to.
For example: "Hastily, she waltzed over to the windows". At this point, Franciszka is absolutely miserable. Only extremely happy people "waltz" when they walk.
Another one: "a cigarette...from which grey smoke emerged rhythmically." Cigarette smoke curls smoothly. When I read "rhythmically", I thought of the little puffs that rise from choo-choo trains in children's books. =]
It's not a big problem, just be careful about using appropriate, not necessarily poetic, words to describe things.
Your flow is excellent as well. Overall you manage to convey extremely strong emotions in a way that doesn't seem over-the-top, although this passage didn't sit right with me:
"How about those nights...when you begged for affection and sought the warmth of somebody’s skin next to yours? ...when you felt alone… when you looked for understanding between my arms!?”
I've never heard/read a book/seen a movie where anyone says that sort of thing out loud, unless it's meant to be cheesy--and I don't think you meant it that way.
Other than that, everything is going well! Your characterization of Rodolphus is believable to me, and I'm actually writing a story that characterizes him completely opposite. That's a great accomplishment. Wow, I can't believe how long this review is. Thanks for requesting!
~CSG Report Review
Your vocabulary is INCREDIBLE!
I wish more stories had as much depth and intelligence as all of your stories. Poor Franciszka. She sounds infinitely more beautiful and much saner than Bellatrix. I cant tell whether I like Rodolphus, or whether I'm meant to like him or not, and that's what I love about your writing, you always keep me guessing!
I loved the way you described her dress, and the passion she felt when she and Rodolphus were together, and the way you twisted her passion into nothingness was great!
I can't wait to read more of this story, it may be your best yet!
Bron Report Review
Lovely banner first and foremost. This story looks very promising. I like wheh authors explore other characters such as Rodolphus and Bellatrix, even invent their own. So, yes let me know when you update and I will get to you. Thanks again for wqishing me a happy birthday. :] Report Review
I LOVE this story write soon again!Author's Response: Thank you very much indeed! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection