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Heh. Peacocks. Anyway, continue please! I'll love you forever! And yes, saying "by reviewing you help me to make your HPFF experience better!" is cheesey :) Report Review
Wow Ali, this moved me to tears. It is truly outstanding! This is one of the most moving peices of writings I've ever read, I think this chapter could work as a one-shot as well as a story, you wrote it really well. You really captured the way Lily must be feeling, your characterization was super! The part where she talked about her last conversation with Petunia was really well written. If you remove the magic and wizards and such you're left with a story that so many people could relate to. You have written this so well and I really think it's a difficult subject to deal with so I really am amazed by the result.
I'd just like to say I'm so very sorry that I have taken all these MONTHS to review, but your story has stayed with me and so happy to finally review it.
You have a wonderful writing gift and this is astounding.
Well done! Report Review
This story is amazing! Omg! I love it so far! The writing is fantastic. I love how there's action and danger already, and you also depict the war very nicely. I really really really like it. Although, I wish you would have explained Lily's deal with Gary a little more. That is still a little fuzzy. Other than that, I am really excited for the next chapter!Author's Response: Oh! Thank you so much! ^-^
I'm going to edit this quite soon (my beta mustn't like me atm, I'm taking so long to reply o_O) and I'll try and add some more in.
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ali! i love this so much! oh my goodness! you make Lily seem so human and vulnerable... not like this perfect person, you know? i love how she's fleshed out, it's great. i also love the way you subtley hint at her realtionships with people like Petunia (the sandwich thing = not a strong bond) and Snape (just a quick mention that is more powerful than a paragraph) you are such a good writer ali! and this story is amazing, i'm already hooked! i want to know what the terrible plan is! i can't wait to read your nano story!
Author's Response: AUBURN. ILU.
Thank you so much! That was what I wanted to do - make her seem human, I mean. And LOL. I actually didn't mean to 'subtly hint' as you put it, but if it works, then, er...of course I did! Was planned all along. XP
Thanks Aubs. That's a real compliment coming from you. -blushes-
XD I want to know the plan as well. I have this awful habit of making things up as I go along. It didn't work for my nano either - which, by the way, you will not want to read. -headdesk- If I even finish it, that is. Report Review
this was so good! and creative! omg, update soon!Author's Response: Thank you heyITSme. I'll update it soon - after nano, of course. ^_^ Report Review
Ali! *huggleglomps* I love this! It's different and totally creative, most definitely not boring and cliché! I love how it was serious, like the way she talked about war and her parents thinking magic solves everything was angsty, but you still have some humour going on. ^_^ For some reason I thought Henry was Hagrid, because of the accent and the huge motorbike. =p I'm looking forward to read about Lily's adventure in the Malfoys' manor. Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks Priss! ILY.
Thank you so much for your words, I was so worried about whether it was boring and cliche, and you just gave me confidence that is wasn't! And I was hoping to get that through, that even though the time is angsty, there's still some humour going around. And apparently a few people did, so I edited it and changed it. ^_^
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Hmm, this is an interesting concept. I'm not really sure why she thinks not going to Hogwarts woulds make her safer (what with Dumbledore, isn't it the safest place around?) or why she would wait until the end of summer to leave her family, since they would be in danger with her around for all of that time. But I do think it fits her character to be considered more with others and to give up her head girlship if she thought it was the right thing to do, so I'm definitely interested to see how this pans out and how you answer those questions. Of course it was a little too convenient for her to overhear something about the Gryffindors, but I like that she still assumes it's Remus.
Some of the writing was too conversational for me. I do like how it sets her up as a scared 17 year old, but I think by this point she knows what she's doing, she'll be married within a year, and some of the rambling gets to me. Now hold up - I'm a fan of rambling! This is still very true. I loved how she thought about gardeners out of the blue, and I think if you did more things like that which didn't necessarily tie back to plot points, it would develop her as a positive rambler - one who notices things and lets her imagination run wild. But some lines like: "It was so scary that it...well... to be honest, it hurt! " didn't come naturally, and I think it'd be more chilling if it were "It was so scary it hurt." And then some of your sentences are very passive: "my arms were prickling" would read better as "my arms prickled." It takes away from the immediacy when you use the former example.
Let me reiterate that some of her rambling is definitely a good thing. The conversational "Dead. Kapeesh." was wonderful because it brought home her point and the fact remains that she's a teenager. But I think of her as more mature than some of your phrasing conveys, especially at the beginning and with the discussion of "Henry"'s name. By the way - is it supposed to be Hagrid? That's what I thought at first, but then I remembered that the motorbike was Sirius' until the night the Potters died ... so I don't know. I love the tone of the last segment - she wants to be thrilled, but she finds it boring and it's a case of reality biting when all she wants to do is help and maybe find some adventure.Author's Response: WOAH. Marisa, you are a lifesaver and I officially love you to death now. Not that I didn't before, but you know what I mean.
In all honesty, I'm copping out here and saying I don't know why she thinks she'll be safer out of Hogwarts either. I'll think of something and edit it in, I think, but thank you for pointing that out! I'm guessing because at Hogwarts, there are lots of nasty and cruel purebloods, but waiting until the end of summer is because...um, I don't know either. Maybe because she's only just realised how much danger her family is in? But I'm glad you think the giving up her headgirl postion seems okay, I was worried that it would seem over the top or something. And yes, it was a bit convenient but...um...yeah. I don't have the imagination to think of something else. P:
And you're completely right, it is too conversational. I think it might be because, well, that is how I write at the moment when it's in first person, which this is, and I know I have too change but...you know, you get accustomed to ways and stuff. But I will work on it being less conversational. So, maybe rambling about things instead of being tongue-tied? Yeah, I've never been seventeen (duh) so I have this fear all of my characters will seem thirteen or something. P: And you're right, now I look back over it, I've done the passive and tongue-tied thing a lot, when I could shorten it and make it much more powerful.
So, I think you're saying to cut down on the rambling? Maybe not take it all out, but quite a bit? And no, it's not actually Hagrid or Sirius. I wanted to get people confused there (because I'm evil P:) and think that maybe it was Sirius, when, in reality, it's just an unknown motorbike rider, because I don't think I ever said the bike could fly. Thank you about the last segment thing, yeah, I really wanted to convey that not everything's an adventure and how we see it in movies, because I always go on about how life isn't like the movies, and there are parts that are boring even if we don't want them to be.
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Hey, onestop_hpfan18 from the forums here to review as requested. I'm so sorry it took me all weekend just to get to your story, if it makes you feel any better you story is the first I'm reading since Wednesday of last week ;) Now, on to the review!
I actually liked it, you've really pegged Lily's characterization right on key and I'm curious as to what Voldemort's plan for the Head Boy and Head Girl will be exactly and whether or not Lily actually does not attend Hogwarts for her final school year.
This chapter was very nicely written and you did a good job of making sure the scenes flowed well into the other and made sure that it stayed interesting by keeping the interest of readers, well this reader at the very least =) Keep up the great job and creativeness! 10/10Author's Response: Oh, don't worry about how long it took. I really don't mind, and you made it here in the end. (:
Thank you! And I'm quite curious about Voldemort's plan as well...:/ But as for the other part, it's been decided and all. (:
Thank you so much! You're making me blush now.
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