Hello. I took on this challenge too and I decided to take a look at what everyone else had written for it now that my own piece was up. Anyway, I just want to first say that I like the idea of this story - that he did what he did because of greed. But I don't really get a feel for it very much. I think you could make this longer and explain it more - if you know what I mean. You did have some really great parts to this though. My favorite was this:

"I now sit here in this cold damp cell waiting for death to slowly crawl upon my distorted body. My battle wounds shine brightly for all to see and here I am nothing more than the thief in the cell next to mine. I waited, and waited for the Dark Lord to return, and he did, but at a price. He promised us power, glory, and riches. He swore that we would win and wipe out those below us.


He lied."


He really realizes what Voldemort was and all the mistakes he had made. That part was really well written and I found myself nodding at the computer screen when I read that.

Overall, this story was good and I liked reading it! 8.5/10!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review:) I was actually pretty dissapointed with my final copy of this story. But I barely made the deadline so I felt rushed, anyways good luck with the challenge:)
~hpf14

 Report Review

First off, kudos to you for selecting a character with so little known information. I really believe that this one-shot has potential to grow into something more amazing if you put a little bit more time into. Right now, it feels a little choppy in the way you go from one thought to the next so quickly. You definitely have a good idea of what this story's going to be about, but display it a little more and just have your words flow from one sentence to the next. There were a few errors here and there, but your previous reviewer already pointed them out. Also, the spacing between the paragraphs are a little large, they're not too bad but this might have been why I felt some oddities in the flow.

The one aspect I really did enjoy about this one-shot is how well your portrayed Voldemort. Yeah, we know that he's a powerful man, but he completely took over Rookwood's life and shattered it when things didn't turn out as planned. I definitely enjoyed the reflecting on Rookwood's part at the end. You're told not to regret past actions, but he accepted them so I appreciated that. Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks for the supportive review! It means a lot to hear some feedback. I'll try to fix all the errors as soon as possible.
~hpf14

 Report Review

Hey Harrypotterfreak1414!

"The Dark Lord constantly dangled gold and jewels in front of our faces on a regular occurrence, and every time I always fell for it." - You've used 'constantly' and 'regular occurrence' in the same sentence. You need to remove one of them.

"I was of great value to my lord. I was given the utmost respect by all my fellow Death Eaters and pureblood's." I think the other Death Eaters are more likely to be jealous. They all compete for Voldemort's attention so they would show all that much respect for him.

"And because of my selfishness I lost everything." You say he was selfish but what exactly did he do? Leaving the reader to guess is good but you do need to add exactly what he did.

There were lots of typos but I'm sure you'll correct them when you edit. Although, reading through your story carefully before submitting it for validation would really help as you find most of the mistakes yourself.

I felt that you could have added more detail. You could have shown more about him.

Your beginning was very interesting. You showed his greed well. It was a nice read and thanks for taking part in my challenge. :)

-limelight1816

P.S-I hope I haven't been too critical?

Author's Response: haha, no its fine. It was a fun challenge and I did submit my un-edited version because my beta didn't get back to me until today but yeah it was harder writing this than I thought it would be. Augustus Rookwood as a character is sort of boring and we don't know much about him so it was hard in that sense...
~hpf14

 Report Review

Wow
very good
Iloved how he looked back and saw things for what they were in the end
well written.

Author's Response: thanks for the great review:) It means a lot.
~hpf14

 Report Review